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Original poster

Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

398 replies

Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 19:54

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

OP posts:
Original poster
Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 20:50

@Terminallysleepdeprived

If you move you need to factor costs for visitation. If the dad takes you to court they can and have forced the parent that moved to fund or do all the commuting.

A child cannot have a meaningful relationship with a parent that is a 90 minute drive away.

You need to think about your child not your own wants.

I think I need to read up on my rights as a Mother...
OP posts:
AutumnFrolicks · 30/10/2021 20:51

What do you want your ex to do op? When do you want him to see your dc?

RubyViolet · 30/10/2021 20:51

It sounds like the shifts a fireman does, and that is not always the same 4 days of the week.
If his job is similar to this structure then it would be a challenge to juggle your hours/ life/ childcare around his work days.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2021 20:52

Tell him that you are staying up North. Quietly put your plans back by 6 months but dont tell him.

I bet you a months mortgage money that will quickly back down on the 4 days idea "Well I've been thinking about it and it will mean that I will never get any time for ... me/socialising/housework etc" Keep it going until the precedent has been set. Make sure you get his agreement for 2 days a week tops in writing.

Then move.

Its blackmail, nothing more. He just doesnt want to have to put the effort into travelling to collect your son on his access days. This is all about him and his wants.....I wonder how involved he has been on a day to day basis of caring for your son, and I dont just mean feeding bathing and changing nappies, but EVERYTHING including caring for you.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/10/2021 20:52

@Terminallysleepdeprived

You cannot just present the fact you are moving away without consideration for his relationship with your child.

He could file for a prohibitive steps order which would stop you taking the child, and with the attitude you have shown here he would win.

4 on 4 off is 50/50 I suggest you learn maths.

My ex and I do 3 on 3 off with dd, she is absolutely fine, her dad has always worked 3 on 3 off so she was perfectly used to the routine as your child will be. The only change was a different place tomaleep.

I understand why you want to move away for support, but you need to do what is best for the child and that includes maintaining an active relationship with their dad.

So who pays for childcare? How does that work? Op has said her ex won’t support her in any way. My bet is he will expect her to fork out herself.
northerngirl142947 · 30/10/2021 20:54

My ex and I have have 50/50 custody and it works great. We split costs I.e childcare etc

YellowEllis · 30/10/2021 20:55

It's commendable a man wants to parent his own child?

The bar is so low. So fucking low.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2021 20:55

@Terminallysleepdeprived

If you move you need to factor costs for visitation. If the dad takes you to court they can and have forced the parent that moved to fund or do all the commuting.

A child cannot have a meaningful relationship with a parent that is a 90 minute drive away.

You need to think about your child not your own wants.

Dont be ridiculous, of course they can.

Thanks to Covid a friend of mine didnt see his children for almost 2 years as they were stuck abroad with his ex and her family on what was suppposed to be a holiday.

He facetimed them at least once a day. The invented their special way of cuddling each other (a very sweet idea that worked wonderfully) and they are just as close now as they were when they were 10 minutes down the road. How on earth do you think forces parents manage?! Or Oil Rig workers or....anyone who needs to spend time away from home regularly?

BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 20:55

It's an absolutely joke! OP assuming she gets CMS from the child's dad currently will be out of pocket all round.... as CMS won't happen with a 50/50 split. What a load.

Does your ex have set days OP? Could he request them? Because that's what he would need surely.

Terminallysleepdeprived · 30/10/2021 20:55

We both do.

And there is no evidence to suggest that her ex won't help

Not supporting her may just mean that he expects her to get a job and fund her own lifestyle. The op hasn't made any allusions as to her financial status.

AutumnFrolicks · 30/10/2021 20:55

I think everyone on this thread can see why you would want to be bear your family op

But your dc also benefits from having a meaningful relationship with his dad

This is not you v's ex
This is you and ex v's you moving away
You both need to compromise. It would be wrong to move your dc 1.5 hours away when there's a parent wanting to be involved in your dc's life

snackess · 30/10/2021 20:55

Who has been the primary carer up until now? Are you breastfeeding? Would the child be unsettled to spend a (reasonably) prolonged period away from you?

All things to consider. My DS is nearly two and although I work has never been left overnight etc. I've been primary carer since birth and I'm still breastfeeding. I attend all appointments with him. He's got a medical condition that has hospitalised him on a few occasions and I've always done the admission with him.

I expect a court would agree that I would remain the main carer. However I wouldn't dream of moving away from his dad. I'd do my absolute best to be close so that I could facilitate a good relationship with his dad and so that they could have plenty of regular contact with a view to building this towards 50:50 (or other mutual arrangement) as child got used to it.

I absolutely understand why you want to now be close to family but it's his child too. You've got to compromise on something in my opinion.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/10/2021 20:56

I don't think he will be given 4 days on 4 off, so I wouldn't worry about that. When he is offered a more workable arrangement he may lose interest, at which point it would be perfectly reasonable to move.

Until then it seems more in your interest than your DC's, but legally I'm sure you can do it.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/10/2021 20:57

@northerngirl142947

My ex and I have have 50/50 custody and it works great. We split costs I.e childcare etc
He said he wont support her so I would imagine that if she needs to pay childcare he will say "Not my problem" because he will never have to pay it.

From that point alone this is a very unfair suggestion. Why does he get all his time off with his child and she get (on some weeks) none?

Goawaymorningsickeness · 30/10/2021 21:01

You have a dad who wants to be fully involved in his child’s life and you seem to think that’s a bad thing.

An hour and a half away is a three hour round trip for your child each time he would see his dad. Totally selfish of you. My husband’s ex partner moved over two hours away after their split many years ago, when their son was only a year old. My husband spent many hours for many years, travelling across the uk to see his son and it sounds like your ex would do the same, but I would urge you to think not just of yourself.

You’d be complaining if the child’s father wasn’t interested. You don’t have any more moral rights to have your child’s time than his dad does.

MichelleScarn · 30/10/2021 21:01

Ate you working or if not planning to go back to work?

c24680 · 30/10/2021 21:02

@EasterIssland yes my husband spends time with our kids, he's very hands on, thank you.

I just don't see why I would stay somewhere I've moved to for him if our relationship was to ever break down.

Kids manage, there's no difference in the parent coming to pick them up when you've moved away then it is living round the corner, my brother was 8 and he understood, it's how the parents deal with it that makes it work. Mine stayed friends and still are so it made things easy.

HouseOfFire · 30/10/2021 21:04

@WaltzingBetty

@celandiney

The obvious problem I see with this is that he will always have your DC on his days off - you might end up with your days being all days you are working.( if you work). That's 50/50 but it's not fair.

No it won't as 4 days in/4 days off mean that his shift pattern will move back a day each week
So if both parents stick to this they'll get 50:50 and equal workdays/weekends

Op doesn't currently work (I think I read, apologies if wrong) so will need to get a job. In an ideal world she could also get a 4 on 4 off job, and love close enough to ex so dc could get to school etc.

However that is unlikely. So realistically OP needs to get a job and then work out a sensible residency

CovidCorvid · 30/10/2021 21:05

You do need to read up on more stuff and possibly get another solicitor. I’m sure your solicitor is right that you can be stopped moving 90 mins away but you need to consider possible implications.

Your ex may well get 50/50 custody. You may be expected to do most/all of the travelling as you moved away. When your child starts school your ex could possibly go to court and say 50/50 can’t work anymore as the dc schooling is the priority and he may apply for primary residence. Make sure you aren’t in a position where you risk getting every other weekend down the line.

I totally hear you about you wanting more support. But what do you think a court will consider most important….you as an adult being bear your mum…..or your dc as a small kid being near their dad?

outofservice · 30/10/2021 21:09

I left my ex with the kids, aged 4 and 6. We moved 40 miles away to my home town. The first thing ex said was he wanted 50/50. This was so he didn’t have to pay maintenance. He then got a preventative steps order and I had to go to court. The judge threw it out as there had been no mediation and it was perfectly reasonable to travel this distance with the children.
I agreed to ex having them every weekend and 4 weeks of the holidays. It was awful but I took them on a Friday night and he returned them on a Sunday teatime. He’d taken the car so we had an awful train trip each week.
After a few months I asked to have them one weekend a month as I never had any downtime with them. He agreed and then when his girlfriend came on the scene, he dropped to every other weekend.
My kids are happy near their gran, they love their schools and friends and have lots of after school clubs and their own social lives. We’ve been here just over 2 years now. My ex is difficult but the kids like going to see him. He dropped out of having them this weekend, they’re not bothered.
My life is so much better. If I’m running late from work or have an appointment, I have people to call on to help. I didn’t have that in my ex’s town and most of his family lived along the same street.
My ex was a bare minimum dad. For a while he seemed to be a better parent but now his girlfriend seems to look after the kids.
I still take them although I drive now, he drives them back. He was meant to have them for a fortnight in the holidays but cancelled last minute. Luckily my family stepped in to help.
I’m not saying your ex is like mine but my kids dad isn’t interested in being a dad. He wants to spend his time doing what he wants and his money on himself. The super parent act soon wore off. You being happy is the best thing for your child.

Notashandyta · 30/10/2021 21:11

Surely the fact he's so young is part of the problem? No way would I be parted from my one year old for that long.

Nomoreusernames1244 · 30/10/2021 21:13

Surely the fact he's so young is part of the problem? No way would I be parted from my one year old for that long

Maybe his dad doesn’t want to be parted from his child that long?

LondonWolf · 30/10/2021 21:13

I’d never post about this on MN tbh. Responses to these kinds of issues never really reflect what I see in RL and I am a single parent with many single parent friends.

I totally understand where you’re coming from. Your child is under one years old and the disruption of 4 days on 4 days off just wouldn’t be in his benefit. Go to mediation, get a solicitor etc. Make it clear that this is a future goal but for now given the age of your child you would prefer a schedule that adhere to his needs not the needs of a grown adult. In my experience many men lose interest in 50/50 anyway so you may find this issue resolved itself in a year or two.

Moonbabysmum · 30/10/2021 21:15

Do you mean you should have them for an overnight? So they live with him and you have them one night a week?

If that would be unacceptable to you, then it's not enough for him either.

Assuming he has parental responsibility then you don't get extra rights because you are a mother.

I can see why you would want to move, and I'm not sure his plan would be viable unless he moved to fixed shifts, but I don't think it would be fair to move away.

FreeBritnee · 30/10/2021 21:15

OP do you think your ex is proposing this as a way to control you? It strikes me as a very useful tool to keep the woman from being able to move on whilst painting yourself as a ‘good guy’.