Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

[Kimberleysmith]

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

@C8H10N4O2

Given that the op hasn't been back we don't actually know what support the ex has refused. He may well have meant she needs to get a job and fund herself as he won't be paying her housing costs or food bill, which is reasonable

Yes the OP needs to work after taking time out to bear and care for his child. However he is making it difficult for her to find work by imposing that pattern on her availability/costs.

He says he won't support, at 50/50 he knows he won't have to stump up for CM. He should be paying half the childcare costs at the very least - that may cause him to rethink demanding all his days when it suits him instead of sharing the off days and teh work days.

That is BS.

Ex and I have 3 on 3 off and I have no issues working around it

As for getting out of CM...if there is a big discrepancy in earnings CM still applies, I know because I receive it as ex earns 2.5 times my wages.

Not all ex men are arse holes just like not all ex women are sweetness and light.

The OP is being damned unreasonable wanting to rush their son away from a dad who wants to be involved.

And if I may refer to the OP "He says he is ENTITLED to have him"

Says it all really. Its not about the kid at all but his own sense of entitlement. Its an overused phrase these days but in this instance, it fits.

I would guess that the best legal advice he has had thus far is from Dave-down-the-pub-who's-ex-is-a-fucking-psycho-bitch-who-took-him-to-the-cleaners-and-wont-let-him-see-his-kids

OP, you haven’t said anything about why you’ve split up. I think mediation will be great as the mediator will likely recognise that it is a positive that your ex wants to see your DC so much but also recognise that access can’t simply fall on his days off as that will disadvantage you.

However, if your ex was abusive in any way, please don’t put yourself through mediation. Instead get yourself the best solicitor you can and go from there.

@PyongyangKipperbang

And if I may refer to the OP "He says he is ENTITLED to have him"

Says it all really. Its not about the kid at all but his own sense of entitlement. Its an overused phrase these days but in this instance, it fits.

I would guess that the best legal advice he has had thus far is from Dave-down-the-pub-who's-ex-is-a-fucking-psycho-bitch-who-took-him-to-the-cleaners-and-wont-let-him-see-his-kids

But he is legally entitled to equal tome.

That isn't necessarily him being anymore of a dick than the OP is in refusing him fair contact

I think people aren't spotting the obvious possibility that the OP's ex might be mainly doing this in order to be financially abusive and controlling to OP. Asking for 50:50 means zero child maintenance, and this chaotic pattern forces op into poverty as she will have to pay for 5 days a week care in order to hold down any kind of job.

But if he is genuinely wanting to just have as much time as possible with his child then that's valid. I think you need mediation to come up with a plan that enables both of you to hold down reasonable employment and spend reasonable time with your DC. However, both of you need to put your DC's best interests first. That is too complex a question to be addressed without mediation though.

So many people on here underestimating the importance of emotional support and the whole 'it takes a village'. OP sounds very isolated where she is currently living, which makes parenting and being the best Mum you can be very difficult.

OP, I moved 1.5hrs back to my hometown with my son (then just a month over a year old) following the breakdown of the relationship with his father, which despite some emotional and financial abuse I'd really tried to maintain for the sake of our child but to no avail. Financially it was no longer viable for me to stay living there (London, covering £1800 rent alone, working part time, etc) and we were incredibly isolated from friends and family. This was absolutely the best decision for my son and I as it not only provided us with financial stability, but the emotional support of friends and family and the care and love of all those people for my son. He sees his Dad most weekends, and we will be starting overnights every other weekend when he is about 2 years old with extended access during the holidays. This is absolutely a meaningful relationship, they have a great bond and we have a much better quality of life here and I am able to provide for him in the way he deserves.

@C8H10N4O2

Given that the op hasn't been back we don't actually know what support the ex has refused. He may well have meant she needs to get a job and fund herself as he won't be paying her housing costs or food bill, which is reasonable

Yes the OP needs to work after taking time out to bear and care for his child. However he is making it difficult for her to find work by imposing that pattern on her availability/costs.

He says he won't support, at 50/50 he knows he won't have to stump up for CM. He should be paying half the childcare costs at the very least - that may cause him to rethink demanding all his days when it suits him instead of sharing the off days and teh work days.

If the child is below 1yo then she can still be on maternity leave so should have a job to go back to.

Also, if you do decide to move (ideally before a prohibited steps order!), it is highly unlikely that a court would order a 1 year old to have such an unsettling arrangement as what he is proposing. An older child perhaps, but a 1 year old needs to be with their primary caregiver - usually Mum.

I am still breastfeeding (son is almost 2) and that was a very big factor when deciding our arrangements as my son feeds to sleep and we bedshare etc.

But he is legally entitled to equal tome.

This is not true. Childcare disputes are not based upon "equal" time. No judge will realistically say this.. Life is unfair and even if OPS ex is genuine.. you have to be practical and it's circumstances that are taken into account when you go to the court. Other wise if things were based upon "equal" society and parenting would be a whole lot different but it's not and we would all be doing a 50/50 split with our exs

How old is your son?

How would this work if your son is at school during his 4 days off?

But he is legally entitled to equal tome.

No he really isnt!!

He is entitled to NOTHING. Same as the OP is entitled to NOTHING.

The only person who is entitled to anything is the child. He is entitled to a meaningful relationship with both parents that should be arranged within the restrictions of each parents life/work/location.

The parents need to use mediation to ensure a fair split all around FOR THE CHILD. That means ex sometimes having to work around childcare or accepting less than 50/50 if he is not willing to do that. It means the OP accepting less time with her child than she wants which is sadly what happens when you seperate with children, especially littles ones.

Basically it means working for the child and not yourself. I cant help thinking that a "no that doesnt work" will result in phase 2 of "FIne, I will just never see him again then". Betcha.

@YellowEllis

It's commendable a man wants to parent his own child?

The bar is so low. So fucking low.

Totally agree !!!

I think you are assuming you have all the control and your ex just has to fit around you. He is doing the same. You both sound stubborn, unreasonable and very similar. I can see why the relationship broke down.

Have you tried mediation? I do think you both need someone to shift your perspectives, or you are facing years of really tough parenting. And your son will be hurt.

@C8H10N4O2

Given that the op hasn't been back we don't actually know what support the ex has refused. He may well have meant she needs to get a job and fund herself as he won't be paying her housing costs or food bill, which is reasonable

Yes the OP needs to work after taking time out to bear and care for his child. However he is making it difficult for her to find work by imposing that pattern on her availability/costs.

He says he won't support, at 50/50 he knows he won't have to stump up for CM. He should be paying half the childcare costs at the very least - that may cause him to rethink demanding all his days when it suits him instead of sharing the off days and teh work days.

So now it is his child, maybe he should go for 100%

@RiverSkater

Im not surprised your partner is unhappy at you hoping to move so far away. Did you think about how your child would see their Dad. How would you feel?

Four days in four days off sounds reasonable to me time wise. How it works in practice is another matter.

You need to rethink your move - how will it work when your child is at school?

When my ex is on his four days at work, I look after our son. He works 12 hour shifts, so when my ex starts work at 6pm, comes home and sleeps all day, to then start work again at 6pm, come home and sleep, it's me that is looking after him. So for almost two days my ex doesn't see my son because he's at work.

I am not a Mother who would take our son because I am bitter or selfish. My ex ended our relationship at the beginning of August; we have remained living together in order to try and come to some arrangement. In the meantime, we do nothing but argue. I am yelled and shouted and mostly ignored by him. If it's not speaking about our son, we don't speak.

I have been and will continue to be accommodating, but at some point a life for me has to be on the cards.

I don't think this sounds fair at all.

Your ex wants your child on his days off work when it suits him. So is he expecting no child care costs? and will get to spend 100% of his free time with the child.

OP on the other hand is supposed to try and find childcare on changing days or ask her workplace to have constant flexibility on her shifts or availability for meetings etc? Ok then!!

EX - Mo,Tu,We,th
OP - Fr,Sa,Su,Mo
Ex - tu,we,th,fr
OP - sa,su,mo,tu
Ex - we,th,fr,sa
OP su,mo,tu,we

Assuming the OP works full time Monday - Friday, she would potentially need childcare (I.e. before & after school or nursery) Week 1: Friday and week 2: Monday, week 3: Monday & Tuesday, week 4: Tuesday and Wednesday.

Who has ever heard of a nursery offering random days on a permanent basis?! My experience is that they will only accept fixed days, the same each week.

I guess the child could go to nursery on fixed days each week (which is great for forming friendship bonds) but then Ex is essentially telling OP he will only collect the child on the days it suits him? So what is she supposed to do the days he decides he can't do?

I can't imagine this working at all.

I think it's great the father is looking to have regular contact. But it needs to be on fixed days and a regular schedule that revolves around a normal 7 day week, for everyone's sake.

Why are most posters attacking this mother. She requested assistance, not to be attacked.

What do you want your ex to do op? What arrangement do you want?

@betterwithage

Why are most posters attacking this mother. She requested assistance, not to be attacked.

Indeed. Almost sounds like some men’s rights activists have found their way here.

@Mellowyellow222

I think you are assuming you have all the control and your ex just has to fit around you. He is doing the same. You both sound stubborn, unreasonable and very similar. I can see why the relationship broke down.

Have you tried mediation? I do think you both need someone to shift your perspectives, or you are facing years of really tough parenting. And your son will be hurt.

Your contribution has really helped me.

@GreenerGrass23 we actually used to have a fabulous nursery where you booked the month in advance of what you needed, so it was full of shift workers, lots of my nhs colleagues and other emergency services, council run but of course they've used bloody covid to end it!

@betterwithage

Why are most posters attacking this mother. She requested assistance, not to be attacked.

Thank you for noticing. What a horrendous experience, never again.

His way is so unfair. As pp said, he would get his DC on his days off so no child care whereas op will be at work lots of the time she has the child. Mediation is the way I'm afraid

This is a marathon I'm afraid, not a sprint. Take a few deep breaths, try to relax and work out what you can live/survive with re parenting with your ex. Please do not be bullied or pressured into agreeing to anything. If your ex is a decent person and good parent you should work with him in the best interest of your child. It will benefit you in the future with your relationship with your child. Sending you all my support 😘😘😘

@betterwithage

Why are most posters attacking this mother. She requested assistance, not to be attacked.

Agree, it feels like these comments are deliberately trying to put the op down. As someone else said by men’s rights activists.

4 days on and 4 days off is totally unreasonable, especially when he’s getting all his days off from work as his days. I do not think any family court would agree with that. I have a family member who works these shifts and his first day off is usually a write off because he’s so tired. And he’s doing day shifts not night shifts.

Is he on the birth certificate?

I don’t think moving to the midlands from The North is that big of a deal, especially if he’s got 4 consecutive days off to do a commute, shit it takes me longer than an hour and a half to drive to visit family in the same county sometimes.

I think it’s time you stoped trying to be reasonable and start thinking what’s best for you and the baby and what’s best for baby is not you being bullied or forced to live away from any kind of emotional support or help in your life,