Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

[Kimberleysmith]

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

[quote LittleMysSister]@CornishGem1975 Exactly, loses his support system (assuming they are in his local area and not just somewhere he and OP moved together), his job, his friends, his home...just so his ex can be happier.

I can't honestly believe people would support this if it was the dad saying he was taking the child and moving so far, and wouldn't even compromise to allow the mum to still have significant contact each week.

Also presumably he was going to look after the child on his days off when OP went back to work, assuming she was going to? Why can he not still do that just because they've split up, as long as the work it so they have adequate childcare to both manage their jobs?[/quote]
Yes god forbid a woman leaves a toxic relationship and wants to be near their family and friends with a young child. Why isn't she prioritising then happiness of the man.

@Lockdownbear

My last post on this unless Op decides to come back. If Dad says I'm not paying its 4 days and 4 days, 50/50, equal cost.

What should Op do?

If he said that then she'd have to say it's impossible as there is no way for her to work herself under those conditions.

If he wants the flexibility of having their son different days each week then he needs to pay half of full-time childcare since there is no guarantee of which days their son would need to go there.

If he doesn't want to do this, then he needs to agree set days per week so OP knows how many childcare days they actually need - he can't do this with his current job so would presumably go for the first option.

The above would presumably be an issue whether OP moves or not as she will definitely need to return to work as a single mum, so needs to be ironed out either way.

If they can't agree, then a court would need to make the call for them.

Again, I don't think OP is wrong to move, but I do think it's wrong to decide to move and just expect your child's other parent to take an unwilling back seat due to that decision. If I wanted to move my child away from their dad, I'd be thinking up some ways it could work before I even told him I wanted to do it, as I would know he wouldn't want us to go and his immediate reaction would be no.

Yes god forbid a woman leaves a toxic relationship and wants to be near their family and friends with a young child. Why isn't she prioritising then happiness of the man.

Not at all!

It's not even about the 'happiness of the man', it's about their child being able to have a relationship with his dad that is more than snatched time one weekend a month or less.

There is no indication anybody is 'toxic' at all.

She wants to move an hour and a half down the road. She's not proposing emigrating to Mars. I can't believe so many women have so much internalised mysoginy that they'll spend days arguing that a single mum can't move nearer to her family because it might inconvenience her ex. Men split and move to wherever they want all the time, but woebetide a woman even considering prioritising her needs.

Here's a radical idea, if dad wants to parent 50/50 he can make changes to his life to facilitate that. For example moving house to ensure he's close to his child, changing his work set up to fit around his child's schedule. But no, he'll sit on his arse and expect everything to be arranged for his convenience.

Men split and move to wherever they want all the time, but woebetide a woman even considering prioritising her needs.

But they don't usually take their children with them!! I'm sure he wouldn't care if OP was moving but leaving their child with him and she was the one faced with only seeing him every other weekend or less.

I can't believe so many women have so much internalised mysoginy that they'll spend days arguing that a single mum can't move nearer to her family because it might inconvenience her ex.

It's not misogynistic to think that fathers are as important as mothers in a child's life.

I can't believe that so many think it's OK for a mum to decide that she's taking the child away and the dad just has to suck up whatever contact she decides to let him have, because 4 days a week away from her child is too much for her. Yet it's acceptable for him to have so much less than that?

Surely if you put yourself in the dad's shoes you can see why he'd be worried about all of this?

@LittleMysSister

Yes god forbid a woman leaves a toxic relationship and wants to be near their family and friends with a young child. Why isn't she prioritising then happiness of the man.

Not at all!

It's not even about the 'happiness of the man', it's about their child being able to have a relationship with his dad that is more than snatched time one weekend a month or less.

There is no indication anybody is 'toxic' at all.

It doesn't sound like he treats OP very well if you read their posts, sounds like a household as is feels toxic.

@Fetarabbit Defo agree it sounds toxic now, but they are a couple that has recently split and are trying to parent a 1 year old while stuck living together...I feel like that would push many to the limit as they probably just both want to get out of there, I know I would.

Doesn't necessarily indicate either was a bad person before the split though.

@FatCatThinCat

She wants to move an hour and a half down the road. She's not proposing emigrating to Mars. I can't believe so many women have so much internalised mysoginy that they'll spend days arguing that a single mum can't move nearer to her family because it might inconvenience her ex. Men split and move to wherever they want all the time, but woebetide a woman even considering prioritising her needs.

Here's a radical idea, if dad wants to parent 50/50 he can make changes to his life to facilitate that. For example moving house to ensure he's close to his child, changing his work set up to fit around his child's schedule. But no, he'll sit on his arse and expect everything to be arranged for his convenience.

Quite - it's only an hour and a half down the road so if it's not too far for him to travel then it's quite feasible that she could still access her support system by staying put.

[quote LittleMysSister]@Fetarabbit Defo agree it sounds toxic now, but they are a couple that has recently split and are trying to parent a 1 year old while stuck living together...I feel like that would push many to the limit as they probably just both want to get out of there, I know I would.

Doesn't necessarily indicate either was a bad person before the split though.[/quote]
I agree, but currently the environment can't be pleasant. If one needs to move out it makes sense to move somewhere that works for them. I do agree due to the distance more consideration to his days off should be considered as part of a compromise on both parts. I don't think it's fair for OP to be stuck somewhere miserable for the sake of him whilst he has people he cares about around him.

Some really vile posters on this thread. Some people get a warped thrill from irrational attacks on anonymous forums.

Talk to the solicitor because I'm pretty sure it's not far enough away for him to stop you.

Just move if the only tie to that area is your exes job, why should their job dictate your life?
As for all the people saying 'dont take the child away from its dad' she isnt, the dad is perfectly able to move.
I wonder how many people suggesting she shouldnt go have a) actually been divorced with small children b) in an area that is not where their family and friends are. Its tough enough as a single parent with support, why would you deny her that?

I agree, but currently the environment can't be pleasant. If one needs to move out it makes sense to move somewhere that works for them. I do agree due to the distance more consideration to his days off should be considered as part of a compromise on both parts. I don't think it's fair for OP to be stuck somewhere miserable for the sake of him whilst he has people he cares about around him.

Agree 100% :)

As for all the people saying 'dont take the child away from its dad' she isnt, the dad is perfectly able to move.
I wonder how many people suggesting she shouldnt go have a) actually been divorced with small children b) in an area that is not where their family and friends are. Its tough enough as a single parent with support, why would you deny her that?

I don't deny that it's really tough, and I have seen how hard it is for my partner and his ex. His ex moved away to be near her family, with his full blessing, so it can work when parties compromise.

My point is only that they are both in the same position - what you've said doesn't just apply to OP. They will both be divorced/separated with a young child, and if they go 50/50 (as is basically his proposal) they will both have the child the same amount of time. If, as you suggest, the ex moves to follow OP he will be the one without his family and friends around him. Your statement only applies more to OP if she has the child for the majority of the time, which will only happen if she makes this move, which is her own preference and against the ex's wishes. So it's not really fair to justify her position based on this.

If the ex didn't want OP to move away even though he only had their child every other weekend then I'd say he was ridiculous and OP should go regardless of what he says as that contact level can easily be maintained at a greater distance.

But for him to be wanting, willing and expecting to have their child half the time now that they've split up, I do think there needs to be more discussion and compromise from OP's side to make it work if she wants to make this particular move.

It doesn't mean staying put at all, but you can't just say "I'm moving 1.5hrs away and will therefore be having our child 90% of the time, even though you don't agree". I don't think any parent would be happy to be on the receiving end of that.

As for all the people saying 'dont take the child away from its dad' she isnt, the dad is perfectly able to move

How do you know? Some jobs are tied to an area, or maybe it doesn’t exist in the area the op wants to move to.

If he is tied to his job, would the o/p be ok with him moving and becoming the sahp while she works? Or paying much reduced maintenance if he has to take a lesser post or move to a different industry?

I did the same as you when my baby was under one and moved away from dc’s dad. You can’t do a 50/50 split when they start school if he’s miles away. Bear in mind whatever you agree to now if it ever goes to court they tend to stick to whatever the child is used to. Start as you mean to go on. Even just weekends will become difficult as they get older as they have clubs, parties and friends they want to see at weekends. He needs to move really.

My sons father has him 50 percent of the time and I wouldn't dream of thinking I was entitled to more than that, we're both his parents. When we first split it was horrible, we were both spiteful to eachother and threatened court etc. Fast forward nearly a year and we are amicable, take him for days out together, and are flexible with eachothers work schedules. That being said, my family all live 1.5hrs away and I just couldn't do it to my son, I would never take him away like that. What will happen when he goes to school, whose town will he go to school in? I think 50/50 is fair but you could suggest mediation for arranging what days. We tried a few patterns, one week on one week off wasn't great, we now do 2-2-5-5 and it's much better. My boy is stable and has secure attachments with both of us.

@Itsbeen84yearss

I did the same as you when my baby was under one and moved away from dc’s dad. You can’t do a 50/50 split when they start school if he’s miles away. Bear in mind whatever you agree to now if it ever goes to court they tend to stick to whatever the child is used to. Start as you mean to go on. Even just weekends will become difficult as they get older as they have clubs, parties and friends they want to see at weekends. He needs to move really.

But why does is it preferable that he moves when he is the one in the area familiar to both of them, where he and OP have lived together for 8 years and where they chose to have their baby?

I can't get my head around how so many think the answer is for him to follow OP and move to an area he has never lived and where he knows no one, rather than for OP not to move, or at least not to move so far?

Sorry why is it preferable that was meant to start!

Most of us are probably projecting from our own experiences. In my case I’d done every single night feed, nappy change, hospital appointment…I was centre and front in my dc’s life. Dad couldn’t even change a nappy. So I wasn’t going to stay in an area where I had no family to help out and send my child to stay with someone who had no idea what to do

@LittleMysSister
It wont be 50/50. He wont provide consistent days and she wants to move nearer to her support network. One of these will take priority, eg he wont change his job to provide consistency for the OP to move on in her life, so she will move away.
You cant force 50/50 if it doesn't work for one of the parties and it doesnt appear to work for either in a consistent manner. So it is down to who can provide regular, consistent ongoing care, which at this point you would have to say is the OP

@LittleMysSister
I havent read back through all the thread, but as you feel so strongly about this, i am assuming you have been through divorce with young children and share 50/50 ?

@CelestialGalaxy I haven't, as I've said. My partner has children that live far away and it works fine for them so I am not criticising OP's desire to move to be near her family at all. I do understand why she'd want to do it, absolutely.

But I do think her stance on not compromising on anything so her ex can continue to have regular time with their child is not fair and not right, and I don't think it would be supported if it were a dad proposing this arrangement to a mum.

It is just frustrating to read so many commenters who believe that a child's relationship and time with their dad is far secondary to that with their mother, even when they are fairly even at the moment.

Surely if you're going to move so far away that it makes an actual 50/50 arrangement impossible, and the person you had a child with works shift, you do need to be a bit more flexible in order to allow your child a relationship with their dad?

It's not just about the move, it's about OP's assertion that he definitely can't have their child on his days off either. The child deserves a relationship with both of them, and they both deserve proper time with him.

[quote CelestialGalaxy]@LittleMysSister
I havent read back through all the thread, but as you feel so strongly about this, i am assuming you have been through divorce with young children and share 50/50 ?[/quote]
Don't know about @LittleMysSister but I 100% agree with her, and I have been through divorce and share 50/50 care of our children with my ex.

It would never ever occur to me in a million years to move my children away from their father. That would be awful for them. Any move away would be for me, not them.

You don't have a 'support system'? Start to build one. Has the OP got no friends in the area? Most people don't have the luxury of having family on their doorstep to help. I know I don't and it's the same for many of my friends.

@LittleMysSister but what is OPs ex proposed compromise?