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Original poster

Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

398 replies

Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 19:54

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

OP posts:
Betsyboo87 · 30/10/2021 20:15

Umm it is 50/50? It’s a tough one as I would think 50/50 is the best option. I guess he wouldn’t need to worry about childcare as he would always have him on his days off. For you it would be harder (assuming you work) as you’d need childcare on different days each week and that would be hard to source.

Original poster
Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 20:15

@bambi1132

What about school if dad is living miles away?
I have no support if I stay living up North. My ex partner has told me he is not supporting me.
OP posts:
Strangevipers · 30/10/2021 20:16

You being or feeling supported by your family is NOT more important than doing everything you can for you DC to maintain a strong and regular relationship with their father

How lucky you are that most men just walk away, yet your EX is desperate for 50:50. It's shocking you would even bat an eyelid

If he doesn't stick to his end of the bargain and doesn't have your DC then maybe consider moving for support

Your child is also HIS child

AlohaMolly · 30/10/2021 20:16

Your the main parent/resident so essentially it's upto to you where you choose to move OP.

But the father wants to share custody 50/50

Heckythump1 · 30/10/2021 20:16

I'm sorry, but he's the child's father, of course he has a right to have him 50% of the time!

KnobJockey · 30/10/2021 20:16

I think the only way it will work is for you to do a full week each, alternating weeks. I think it would be REALLY unfair for you to move a long way away and not sort out 50/50, and in his position I would take you to court for that, unless there was a good reason not to. Mum does not mean default carer.

AutumnFrolicks · 30/10/2021 20:17

I have 3 dc with no support and I'm a single parent op. It's not easy but definitely doable

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 30/10/2021 20:18

I have no support if I stay living up North. My ex partner has told me he is not supporting me.

I’m not sure what additional support you’re looking for from your partner? His proposal is he’ll have your shared child 50% of the time. He (theoretically) is offering to do half of the work.

PheonixGlitterRepublic · 30/10/2021 20:18

What kind of distance are you thinking of moving, the places don’t make it clear for me? With regard to his suggestion, it’s unworkable for anyone but him as your own childcare arrangements and work need to be on fixed days. A court is however likely to look at 50/50 so 3/4 days on alternative weeks. Would that work for your ex and would he be happy to arrange childcare for his days (and split the shared day) or does he just want his days off?

AlohaMolly · 30/10/2021 20:21

I do get where you’re coming from OP. I live 300 miles from my family and DS is 5. When he was 3, me and DP had a really rocky patch and I was looking at having to move out. I had to accept that, in the best interests of my child, I would have to stay living as close to his dad as possible and not go home to my family.

Obviously, if my partner was abusive or only wanted minimal contact with our son then I might have been able to go back to where my family is, but he loves his child and, just because our relationship appeared to have broken down, my son deserved an equal relationship with his father.

DP and I figured out in the end, but if we hadn’t, I’d have figured it out.

Have you got no friends where you are now? Why have you got no support/what does no support mean to you?

titchy · 30/10/2021 20:21

What support would you need if he has your child for four days out of every eight?

School isn't relevant yet, and neither is a 7 day schedule given your kid can't count!

WaltzingBetty · 30/10/2021 20:21

@celandiney

The obvious problem I see with this is that he will always have your DC on his days off - you might end up with your days being all days you are working.( if you work). That's 50/50 but it's not fair.
No it won't as 4 days in/4 days off mean that his shift pattern will move back a day each week So if both parents stick to this they'll get 50:50 and equal workdays/weekends
BananaPB · 30/10/2021 20:24

4 days on 4 days off is a difficult routine imo. Can you even get a childminder or nursery place that changed every week ? So Mon/Tues/Wed/Thurs one week and Tues/Wed/Thur/Fri the next ?

Plus you've got the unfair situation that Dad never pays for childcare while mum pays.

Every other weekend with each parent is ask popular because that's when people might want to travel to extended family. Once nursery/school starts you can't go to granny's for the day on a Tuesday when she works Monday-Friday.

justustwoandmoo · 30/10/2021 20:24

Tbh I think it sounds quite reasonable. If he's got 4 days off then it's an ideal time for him to have the little one. Also means less travel back and forth.

What sort of access do u want him to have?

RubyViolet · 30/10/2021 20:25

Will he be able to have the DC on the same days each week ? If he can’t how will you organise childcare for work around that ?

HouseOfFire · 30/10/2021 20:25

week each seems to be the winner here

Branleuse · 30/10/2021 20:27

You dont have to agree to 50/50. You dont have to agree to what he says. Your baby is not even 1 year old and he thinks in in the childs best interest?? Hes just being a dick for the sake of it.
If you moved but offered every other weekend which you then facilitated and stuck to then i think it would be seen as reasonable

BrilloPaddy · 30/10/2021 20:28

Your child deserves to have equal time with both parents.

It's not about you, it's about the best interests of your child here.

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 20:28

Well you could call his bluff and give him majority care and you have EOW?

No harm in suggesting it and see what his reaction is.

Realistically through he could apply for a prohibitive steps order to prevent you moving too far for shared 50:50 to work.

PheonixGlitterRepublic · 30/10/2021 20:28

week each seems to be the winner here

That’s probably be best suggestion. With a 4 on 4 off he’s always going to have issues with childcare though as it’s hard to get a place for irregular days like that.

What are your plans with working and childcare? If the child is likely to be in childcare most the time anyway then it becomes less of an issue.

AutumnFrolicks · 30/10/2021 20:30

@Branleuse

You dont have to agree to 50/50. You dont have to agree to what he says. Your baby is not even 1 year old and he thinks in in the childs best interest?? Hes just being a dick for the sake of it. If you moved but offered every other weekend which you then facilitated and stuck to then i think it would be seen as reasonable
And if the father took the child and moved away and offered every other week, that's ok?
APerfectSky · 30/10/2021 20:31

@titchy

What support would you need if he has your child for four days out of every eight?

School isn't relevant yet, and neither is a 7 day schedule given your kid can't count!

I wondered this but think that perhaps op doesn't work and the ex is saying that he is not prepared to support her financially, whereas if she moves back, her family will support her financially?

Op, I think times have changed and if one parent would like a more equal.split and that can be done I'm the best interests of the child, then it should be absolutely considered. It seems like you want him to have the standard 1 w/e every 2 weeks and are looking for advice on how you can ensure this works in your favour.

BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 20:32

@BananaPB

4 days on 4 days off is a difficult routine imo. Can you even get a childminder or nursery place that changed every week ? So Mon/Tues/Wed/Thurs one week and Tues/Wed/Thur/Fri the next ?

Plus you've got the unfair situation that Dad never pays for childcare while mum pays.

Every other weekend with each parent is ask popular because that's when people might want to travel to extended family. Once nursery/school starts you can't go to granny's for the day on a Tuesday when she works Monday-Friday.

Dad needs to pay 50/50 why should this fall solely on OP.
c24680 · 30/10/2021 20:33

I'm with you OP, I live away from my family and I would definitely move back if things didn't work out with my husband.

My parents got divorced when I was 2, I lived 3 hours from my dad, I would stay with him every other weekend, there was flexibly like if my dad wanted to take us away he could etc.

Everyone is saying do what's best for your child but you've also got to do what is best for you. It'll be hard for everyone no matter what the distance.

BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 20:33

@AlohaMolly

Your the main parent/resident so essentially it's upto to you where you choose to move OP.

But the father wants to share custody 50/50

Does that include childcare costs??