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Original poster

Ex partner wants our son 4 days of the week!

398 replies

Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 19:54

My ex partner and I have separated.

To cut a very long story short, all of my family live in the Midlands and I've been living with my partner up North for 8 years. I am wanting to move back for obvious reasons; emotional support, and to be closer to my family who can help me with my almost 1 year old.

My ex partner is not happy at me wanting to move back, but what is more frustrating is, he works shifts - so four days on and then four days off, he is adamant he is entitled to have our son on his four days off?!

It doesn't matter how many times I've tried to explain this cannot happen, he will not agree to anything else. We are heading for mediation, but I'd like to know in other Mum's experience, what could be a suitable arrangement here? Would I be accommodating if I suggested two days with an over night stay?

Thank you in advance 

OP posts:
EasterIssland · 30/10/2021 20:33

@Branleuse

You dont have to agree to 50/50. You dont have to agree to what he says. Your baby is not even 1 year old and he thinks in in the childs best interest?? Hes just being a dick for the sake of it. If you moved but offered every other weekend which you then facilitated and stuck to then i think it would be seen as reasonable
How do you know from ops words that he’s being a dick? He’s thinking in keeping in touch with his son. The couple relationship has broken not the parent - child one
Murdoch1949 · 30/10/2021 20:34

I don’t think it’s unreasonable of mum to move to be closer to her parents, the support from them with son could be important. The difficulty with 4 days on/off shift pattern is how it fits in with your work, as well as son’s schooling. I could see a pattern of dad having child Fri night, all weekend, then taking to school on a Monday morning working, but with his shift pattern that’s not going to happen. You need to decide what is a possibility for you, then mediate it out with dad. If you are the one with custody it has to work for you and your son. His shift pattern is a real issue that is going to need some imaginative thinking.

AliceW89 · 30/10/2021 20:34

@Branleuse

You dont have to agree to 50/50. You dont have to agree to what he says. Your baby is not even 1 year old and he thinks in in the childs best interest?? Hes just being a dick for the sake of it. If you moved but offered every other weekend which you then facilitated and stuck to then i think it would be seen as reasonable
How on earth is a dad who wants to be responsible for his child 50% of the time ‘being a dick for the sake of it’? It could be argued that moving far away from the father isn’t in the child’s best interests?
Terminallysleepdeprived · 30/10/2021 20:34

You cannot just present the fact you are moving away without consideration for his relationship with your child.

He could file for a prohibitive steps order which would stop you taking the child, and with the attitude you have shown here he would win.

4 on 4 off is 50/50 I suggest you learn maths.

My ex and I do 3 on 3 off with dd, she is absolutely fine, her dad has always worked 3 on 3 off so she was perfectly used to the routine as your child will be. The only change was a different place tomaleep.

I understand why you want to move away for support, but you need to do what is best for the child and that includes maintaining an active relationship with their dad.

EasterIssland · 30/10/2021 20:35

@c24680

I'm with you OP, I live away from my family and I would definitely move back if things didn't work out with my husband.

My parents got divorced when I was 2, I lived 3 hours from my dad, I would stay with him every other weekend, there was flexibly like if my dad wanted to take us away he could etc.

Everyone is saying do what's best for your child but you've also got to do what is best for you. It'll be hard for everyone no matter what the distance.

I take your husband doesn’t spend time with your kids. Otherwise why would you break your kids relationships with their dad just because you’ve broken with your husband.
Murdoch1949 · 30/10/2021 20:36

I meant school/nursery. Whoops.

yikesanotherbooboo · 30/10/2021 20:38

I'm really sorry OP , I can understand that you are keen to be near your family but your child has two parents. Is there any way that you can make this work without moving?

Weegiewtf · 30/10/2021 20:39

4 on4 off is unlikely to be a 9-5 job so is unlikely to be covered by nursery or after school care. The mother is still having to change her life, work, routine etc to fit around the ex as the four days per week will never be the same and will end up eating into some of the mothers working time. Meaning she alone has to pay 100% childcare, possibly even for days the kid isn’t in because nurseries won’t change days that easily, while the dad gets to go all Disney on the kid and have fun on his days off.

Yes 50/50 is best for the child but the mother’s needs are important here too. The mother is saying she need support, whatever form that takes is not our business. The mother then will forever be at the mercy of her ex-partner’s shifts and I can’t see how that is in any way fair.

A week on and a week off is a lot for a young child to cope with and while it may work better as the child grows up for any kid under say 10 that’s going to be really unsettling.

Why is everyone saying be grateful he wants 50/50? He’s the child’s father we should not be being grateful for him looking after his own child. It’s his legal responsibility. As an ex partner however the mother has no responsibility to fit around his life and I find it really quite controlling that this is the expectation for the mother alone

LunaAndHerMoonDragons · 30/10/2021 20:40

The DC here is not quite 1. I don't know anyone that does 50/50 with a baby. That should certainly be the long term aim and if he is prepared to be an involved father than you can't move away, but at this age it's better for the contact to be very often for short periods of time.

AutumnFrolicks · 30/10/2021 20:42

Why is everyone saying be grateful he wants 50/50? He’s the child’s father we should not be being grateful for him looking after his own child. It’s his legal responsibility. As an ex partner however the mother has no responsibility to fit around his life and I find it really quite controlling that this is the expectation for the mother alone

And neither does the father have to fit around what mum wants. It's not controlling. I'm a single mum. If my children moved far away from me and I said I wanted 50/50 contact, is that me being controlling? Or is that me wanting to be an active person in my dc's life?

Autumnlyannoyed · 30/10/2021 20:42

This child is not yet one. Four days on four days off might be suitable for an older child but certainly not in the best interests of an infant. I wonder if pp have noticed how small this child is.

RandomMess · 30/10/2021 20:43

Honestly let him be the resident parent (stuck with the childcare nightmare) and you insist on the 50:50 that works for you - EOW Fri- Mon plus Tuesday and Wednesday overnights.

Certainly worth proposing and see how he feels about making that work.

santabetterwashhishands · 30/10/2021 20:43

It's fair but once your child starts education then obviously it's not going to be feasible!

Original poster
Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 20:44

@Weegiewtf

4 on4 off is unlikely to be a 9-5 job so is unlikely to be covered by nursery or after school care. The mother is still having to change her life, work, routine etc to fit around the ex as the four days per week will never be the same and will end up eating into some of the mothers working time. Meaning she alone has to pay 100% childcare, possibly even for days the kid isn’t in because nurseries won’t change days that easily, while the dad gets to go all Disney on the kid and have fun on his days off.

Yes 50/50 is best for the child but the mother’s needs are important here too. The mother is saying she need support, whatever form that takes is not our business. The mother then will forever be at the mercy of her ex-partner’s shifts and I can’t see how that is in any way fair.

A week on and a week off is a lot for a young child to cope with and while it may work better as the child grows up for any kid under say 10 that’s going to be really unsettling.

Why is everyone saying be grateful he wants 50/50? He’s the child’s father we should not be being grateful for him looking after his own child. It’s his legal responsibility. As an ex partner however the mother has no responsibility to fit around his life and I find it really quite controlling that this is the expectation for the mother alone

Thank you so much for your comment. I'm so sad and upset by these responses ... I have to fit around my ex partner and stay in a city where I have no family snd therefore no emotional support? My ex partner said to me the other day 'unfortunately I was the mother of his child'.

I have always said his relationship with our son is important, and I will not under any circumstance jeopardize that; how does that benefit our son?

I would be moving an hour and a half way.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2021 20:44

For a start you can’t move just because you want to. You’re equal parents. Mediation will explain that to you.

What support are you expecting and think you won’t get? He’s saying he wants to do as much parenting as you will, you’ll both need to have suitable accommodation for yourselves and your son and you’ll each fund him when he’s with you.

You’re not married so neither one of you owes the other anything but child support if you don’t have equal contact - and that’s what he wants.

BunNcheese · 30/10/2021 20:45

@Weegiewtf

4 on4 off is unlikely to be a 9-5 job so is unlikely to be covered by nursery or after school care. The mother is still having to change her life, work, routine etc to fit around the ex as the four days per week will never be the same and will end up eating into some of the mothers working time. Meaning she alone has to pay 100% childcare, possibly even for days the kid isn’t in because nurseries won’t change days that easily, while the dad gets to go all Disney on the kid and have fun on his days off.

Yes 50/50 is best for the child but the mother’s needs are important here too. The mother is saying she need support, whatever form that takes is not our business. The mother then will forever be at the mercy of her ex-partner’s shifts and I can’t see how that is in any way fair.

A week on and a week off is a lot for a young child to cope with and while it may work better as the child grows up for any kid under say 10 that’s going to be really unsettling.

Why is everyone saying be grateful he wants 50/50? He’s the child’s father we should not be being grateful for him looking after his own child. It’s his legal responsibility. As an ex partner however the mother has no responsibility to fit around his life and I find it really quite controlling that this is the expectation for the mother alone

Absolutely I'm a bit shocked here. The man has freedom to do as he pleases at any point mean while OP is expected to be at his mercy? Nahhh stuff that!
theremustonlybeone · 30/10/2021 20:47

If he has him 4 days he can seek maintenance from you. Is this what he is after?

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/10/2021 20:47

I have always said his relationship with our son is important, and I will not under any circumstance jeopardize that; how does that benefit our son?

And yet:

I would be moving an hour and a half way.

Are you planning to be doing all the driving? How often?

LivingNextDoorToNorma · 30/10/2021 20:47

Why is everyone saying be grateful he wants 50/50? He’s the child’s father we should not be being grateful for him looking after his own child. It’s his legal responsibility. As an ex partner however the mother has no responsibility to fit around his life and I find it really quite controlling that this is the expectation for the mother alone

I agree 50/50 should be the expectation, dad is equally the parent. But surely the mother saying she’s moving away, is expecting the father to ‘fit around her life’. Why should that expectation of the father he considered less ‘controlling’?

Original poster
Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 20:48

@AutumnFrolicks

Why is everyone saying be grateful he wants 50/50? He’s the child’s father we should not be being grateful for him looking after his own child. It’s his legal responsibility. As an ex partner however the mother has no responsibility to fit around his life and I find it really quite controlling that this is the expectation for the mother alone

And neither does the father have to fit around what mum wants. It's not controlling. I'm a single mum. If my children moved far away from me and I said I wanted 50/50 contact, is that me being controlling? Or is that me wanting to be an active person in my dc's life?

We are being dictated by my ex partners working shift pattern, his life. He can have our son for his four days off say Friday-Monday, he'll then be back with me Tuesday-Friday (I will be at work) and then back with Dad Saturday-Tuesday?

When do I see my son? On an evening for an hour whilst putting him to bed?

OP posts:
PeachesPumpkin · 30/10/2021 20:49

I think it is unfair to take the child away from his father. How would you feel if he did that to you?

Original poster
Kimberleysmith · 30/10/2021 20:49

@AnneLovesGilbert

I have always said his relationship with our son is important, and I will not under any circumstance jeopardize that; how does that benefit our son?

And yet:

I would be moving an hour and a half way.

Are you planning to be doing all the driving? How often?

It's an hour and a half - a solicitor has told me this is absolutely fine. I'm not moving to the coast and I'm not moving abroad.
OP posts:
Terminallysleepdeprived · 30/10/2021 20:49

If you move you need to factor costs for visitation. If the dad takes you to court they can and have forced the parent that moved to fund or do all the commuting.

A child cannot have a meaningful relationship with a parent that is a 90 minute drive away.

You need to think about your child not your own wants.

EasterIssland · 30/10/2021 20:49

@theremustonlybeone

If he has him 4 days he can seek maintenance from you. Is this what he is after?
Not if it’s 4 days on 4 days off. That’s 50-50
nocoolnamesleft · 30/10/2021 20:50

He can't just choose to have the child 4 days on, 4 days off. You can't just choose to move hours away. You're both going to need to compromise.