Help, my new nanny is a bit shouty, and I'm worried, and would like advice on how to handle it

[PrincessPeaHead]

My lovely calm, quiet, loving nanny of 5 years left last week, and a new nanny started. She is NNEB, worked in a nursery (baby room) most recently, nannied for 2 children before that. She's now been with us for just over a week.

I'm a little worried about how she interacts with the children. She has been playing quite well with DD1 (9), and has been givena very hard time by DD2 (16 months) who screams at strangers generally and hasn't settled with her yet (screamed constantly yesteerday morning when I went to the supermarket apparently). DS1 (6) has been OK with her, DS2 (3) had his tonsils and adenoids out last Tues and was feeling rotten until this weekend.

She is a bit of a sargeant major - issues orders and won't brook any discussion at all, even when it would be (I think) completely reasonable to listen to what they are saying. eg she was asking them to go upstairs for a bath - we have two staircases to go up, and DS2 wanted to go up the other one to the one she was asking him to go up - and she was raising her voice and saying "DS2, I have asked you to go up to your bath and you need to go up these stairs NOW". I don't see why he couldn't have gone up the other ones if he wanted to. There are lots of other examples - I don't think I heard my last nanny raise her voice more than about 2ce (usually in situations where I would have strangled them hours previously!), whereas raising her voice appears to be this nannies MO.
My 9 year old has asked me why she shouts so much
My housekeeper has told me she is concerned.

What do I do?

I want to come round

I think my children would like your children

OK, she may be used to working in a nursery rather than a home environment but why on earth would that make any difference to how she deals with babies and children.

Surely you treat them the same way regardless of the setting? (Obviously not talking so much re the tidying up aspect)

Agree with Tamum's post.

This is exactly the type of scenario where I envisaged nanny mediation being useful. I still have this at the end of my business 'to do list' so if you fancy being my second guinea pig then you can always let me come over and try and sort this one out for you! I do behaviour management consultancy and have on occasions worked with nannies for families.

Although a serious offer, this isn't me angling for work as I'm really too busy to get this new venture of the ground right now but a reference would come in handy from anybody willing to try out the service while in its infancy as a business concept.

Offer aside, from the very first post alone it sounds as though although she is 'shouty' and probably not employing the best behaviour management techniques, she maybe does not have a full understanding of your very personal boundaries. For some, the very fact that everybody else is going up one set of stairs demands that this is not a thing to be questioned or quibbled over. For you, this is a situation that does not present any issue and you are happy for your ds to exert his independent decision making skills. Either is fine but what is important that the nanny understands you and your parenting ethos.

Sounds like she doesn't and is unsure about asking for clarification, or she does and cannot find a way to reconcile this with her own thinking.

Hi everyone. Had a few glasses of wine so beware of typos!

Nurseyjo:
I have a fewquestions if that's okay?

1. Is she loving and caring- does she offer cuddles and demonstrate an affectionate nature?

I haven't seen her offer cuddles to anyone except the baby who doesn't want them from her! She seems interested in a bit of a detached way rather than loving and caring at the moment.

2. D you feel that she is getting to know each child as an indivual- finding out what they are interested in and enjoy doing?

Um, to an extent I think so

3. Does she thin up exciting, stimulating things for your older two to do? At the nursery she would have been responsible for children within a [articular age range- rather than your lovely 4 aged from 1-9. This in itself is a VERY steep learning curve.

She hasn't really done very much with the older two - she has said a few times "lets play a game" and if they ask her to do something eg play football or make bead bracelets then she has done it happily. She hasn't shown that much initiative really, she asks alot what the last nanny did, and she slightly waits to be told what to do by me or asked to do something by the children.

4. If you had to go away, would you have confidence in her to manage all 4 children? Would you feel happy that they were all safe, happy and well cared for?

Well I'm supposedly going away for 3 days in 10 days time and I'm worried about it. My DH will be here (but working obviously), I'm sure they will be safe and well cared for (in terms of looked after and fed) but I suspect they won't be happy, especially the baby, and I think she might feel a bit overwhelmed.

Oh dear, all that doesn't come out well, does it.

newlife - I don't think I want to mediate with a nanny who has been in the house for a week. If we have problems which are so great they can't be surmounted by a chat, then she is the wrong nanny. I can see mediation working where eg a long term nanny relationship hits a rough patch because eg the mother goes part time and the nanny goes from sole charge to shared ccare, but I don't think it is appropriate at this early stage.

PPH, do you want this nanny working in your house, looking after your children? It doesn't sound like you do. I imagine you will all strugle along for a few months, before someone has had enough, and either she leaves or you sack her. Unless you sort this out now.

I haven't seen her offer cuddles to anyone except the baby who doesn't want them from her!

I find that a little strange... baby, is more toddler (16 mths) and I find that aged child will readily accept cuddles, physical touch etc. Even Autistic children of that age I don't find have issues over physical contact. Could just be with the children I've worked with over the past 17 years, but that has been my experience.

With the older two I can see that offering them a cuddle would be harder to do - unless they have injured themselves and need some TLC... but 3 year old and 16 mth old it should not be a problem with.

I am not at all surprised that you are worried about leaving your children for 3 days. Any parent would have worries, only natural, but given the nanny has yet to bond with the children, it will be hard on everyone. At least your dh will be around a bit - can he work from home? Also you have your hk to fall back on though that isn't ideal as being childcarer is not her role.

What are your options, is it better having the nanny around while you are away, or just having hk and your dh care for the children?

Nanny may well be out of her depth, the change from nursery to working for a family with 4 children under 10 may be too much for her to adjust to in this period of time.

I don't think I'd go away just yet pph

nannynick the little one has always been v wary of strangers (which includes anyone she hasn't seen for a fortnight, including grannies etc!) and is a v clingy velcro child - I did a thread on it a little while ago. she really doesn't want to be cuddled by the nanny, but then again she doesn't want to be cuddled by anyone she doesn't know really well. I would have expected her to be a bit better with her by now though.

I've been watching the interaction this morning, in between going out to walk the dogs for 20 mins etc (there are just the two little ones at home, older ones back at school already poor things!) She sort of is only dealing with one child at a time. For eg for the last 30 mins she has been reading stories to DS2, and because DD2 won't come to her out of choice, she has left DD2 playing around my feet while I'm meant to be doing some work on the computer.
I don't know - most other nannies I know would have got out some interesting toy like the trainset or duplo or something to attract her interest and got them both playing at once. Or taken them into the garden and pushed them on the swings or something. of course DD2 isn't interested in reading a fireman sam book - she is just too young - but the nanny is just leaving her to her own devices.

Now I can hear dd2 in the playroom emptying sticklebricks etc on the floor - I'm not in the playroom, I'm in the study next door - shouldn't the nanny know where she is and who is supervising her and what she is doing? Or does she just think I'm going to do it, when I've told her that I need to do emails and things for half an hour?!

Peahead, you might hold off on the contract all together. I believe - though don't take my word for this - that the legal requirement id for you to present a contract within on month of the job beginning. So if you just drag your feet a bit you can have a week or so to ponder whether she is staying.

And I must admit, after reading what your kids said I think I'll alter my stance. Life is too short and children are too precious to make them have a nanny they don't like. As someone else pointed out, your kids happiness is of course more important than the nanny's. There is sometimes a fine line between doing what best for your kids and being a good fair employer. But, when those two things conflict, we will all put our kids first.

The evidence rally is stacking up against new nanny.

I guess at this point my advice (if you still want it) would be a serious talk, not just a casual chat, with her today and tell her that it is a verbal warning about her dictatorial leadership style.

Also, I agree with with Sofia that a nanny who takes the child away from happily playing her sybling so that she can bond with the child is cause for concern. Sorry to say this, but that is a bit too "hand that rocks the cradle" for me.

ps nanny is in the kitchen, so nobody is with dd2. luckily I could probably hear her if she choked to death on sticklebricks... but the nannydoesn't know that!

off now to rescue dd2 ha ha

I think she sounds like someone who could work well in a nursery setting atm, but is not ready for your family right now.

To be in sole charge of several children you need to be assertive and take initiative. Someone who needs a lot of guidance and showing and explaining isn't really suitable for that sort of position IMO.

Keep us posted!

I'd bin her too. It really isn't looking good.

Don't forget to tell us how it goes?

Well...

heh hem...

well I just sat down with her to have a chat and there was a knock at the door and the boiler man had turned up to drain down the whole system and fix the boiler. and then once I'd pointed him in the direction of what he needed to know, of course dd2 got up and now they are all in the garden and I have to go on the school run and it will be impossible.

damn damn

having said that, she has been very calm and quiet with them today and dd2 has decided she is fine and is quite happy with her, so that is good. I guess the chat will have to wait until monday which isn't a disaster - a sort of "well, beginning of a new week, what do you think"

but I'd have preferred to have had a chat this afternoon, darn

Ugh. I hate it when I psyche myself up for something and it doesn't happen.

At least you have another couple of days to think about it and not having her around might help.