Help, my new nanny is a bit shouty, and I'm worried, and would like advice on how to handle it

[PrincessPeaHead]

My lovely calm, quiet, loving nanny of 5 years left last week, and a new nanny started. She is NNEB, worked in a nursery (baby room) most recently, nannied for 2 children before that. She's now been with us for just over a week.

I'm a little worried about how she interacts with the children. She has been playing quite well with DD1 (9), and has been givena very hard time by DD2 (16 months) who screams at strangers generally and hasn't settled with her yet (screamed constantly yesteerday morning when I went to the supermarket apparently). DS1 (6) has been OK with her, DS2 (3) had his tonsils and adenoids out last Tues and was feeling rotten until this weekend.

She is a bit of a sargeant major - issues orders and won't brook any discussion at all, even when it would be (I think) completely reasonable to listen to what they are saying. eg she was asking them to go upstairs for a bath - we have two staircases to go up, and DS2 wanted to go up the other one to the one she was asking him to go up - and she was raising her voice and saying "DS2, I have asked you to go up to your bath and you need to go up these stairs NOW". I don't see why he couldn't have gone up the other ones if he wanted to. There are lots of other examples - I don't think I heard my last nanny raise her voice more than about 2ce (usually in situations where I would have strangled them hours previously!), whereas raising her voice appears to be this nannies MO.
My 9 year old has asked me why she shouts so much
My housekeeper has told me she is concerned.

What do I do?

Don't normally post on these threads, but glimpsed the shouting bit.

I am a teacher, I know from experience shouting gets you nowhere. The teachers with the best control rarely raise their voice. All shouting does is wind up the kids more......

I of course never shout in classroom or at home ....But it is true that shouting makes everything worse

thanks everyone

well I've just had a chat to the two eldest in the car on the way home from school. I said "now that Nanny has been with us for a week, how do you think she is getting on?" DS1 said "well she is very bossy". dd1 said "well nannies have to be a bit bossy, but they should say things like "please could you put that thing over there and not 'PUT that OVER there' in a cross voice". Then DS1 said "she also takes DD2 away from us, like when I was playing with her and she was happy and Nanny told us to go away and grabbed her from us because she said otherwise DD2 would never get used to her". THen DD1 said "DS1 and I talked about this already in our secret hiding place and we said we should tell you that she takes DD2 away from us" and DS1 said "and she is bossy bossy".

So. ?

Oh I also asked if they thought that DS2 liked her, and they said "well sort of... but when she wanted him to go up for his bath and he was playing downstairs she just picked him up and carried him up screaming and dumped him on the floor"

I'm really unsure and unhappy about all of this, although I have to take the descriptions with a slight pinch of salt

Oooh, time for a chat I think. Mind you at least they didn't actually say they don't like her.

Good luck pph. Let us know how it goes.

Well, I think you have to lead by example and if she is just ordering them around without saying "please" and "thank you", that is not good. Doesn't sound like great feedback to me though.

Ditch her, you can't change something basic like this no matter what rules you lay down

if she can't be calm, lovely and funny in the first week of a new job with her employer within earshot then there is no ruddy hope

I speak as ex-nanny if that makes any difference - this is really no good AT ALL

mmmm. I say please always, even "please do not hit your baby sister on the head with a poker you will KILL her"

they asked if they could have the other nanny I interviewed (who they met for a nano second and who I rejected because I thought she had a bit of an "edge" and this one was sweeter) instead

and DS1 asked if I had paid her yet and if not could I pay her and then fire her

that's what I think Franny

Oh Shit

Good point F&Z. You'd think she be extra specially nice for the first month or so.

Pretty big no-no, then from the children!!

I'll come and be your nanny PPH! (I never shout, I'll have them outside most of the time, feeding your chickens and building dens and I'm Practically Perfect In Every Way. Except for the fact that I have 2 children of my own which might be a teensy disadvantage as your nanny...)

seriously, this isn't going to get better is it? As F&Z says, if she can't 'do' sweet and people-pleasing in her first week, it doesn't sound good.

she sounds horrible, i'm shouty as a mom but as a last resort. from what your kids are saying it sounds like her first line of attack is to give out which would be unacceptable to me (not that i could ever in my wildest dreams afford a nany )

the messiness is excusable as like someone else said she's just getting used to the place and the vast amount of work that is 4 kids but the shoutyness and the grabing dd2 away from the others isn't nice

Seems to me as though this nanny may be wanting to care for a toddler, but not a 3 year old and does not relate well to school aged children - just the impression I am getting.

It's hard, as a nanny my charges are 1 month, 2.5 yrs, 4yrs and 8.5yrs and I don't relate well with the eldest, but we do get along reasonably - even if I won't make him burger and chips every day!

Do you get the feeling that your nanny has a lack of interest in DS2? What does he think? Given the age of your children, I would expect that nanny is there to care mostly for DS2 and DD2 and more supervise DS1 and DD1 before/after school. If nanny is having trouble relating to DS2, then I feel you need to have words and if it does not improve then she will have to go.

Your eldest two don't seem to like her, but they may be missing the last nanny and at the end of the day no one will be the same as the last nanny... any nanny will be different. So use the probationary period and see if new nanny will adjust to the ways of the household - no shouting, saying please and thank you, avoiding being too bossy, etc.

Still have the chat though PPH, because she might just have got it a bit wrong and thought she had to go in strong because otherwise the children won't obey her.

Oh dear, as I typed that I realized it wasn't very convincing AT ALL. No, sounds a bit dodgy to me. She'll have them doing press-ups at 4.00 in the morning next, in white shorts and t-shirts, she'll get a whistle - perhaps she'd better go?

So far you have one side of the story - the view of the children and the hk. So you need to have the chat with the nanny, see how she is feeling - does she think things are going well - talk about what you and the children do not feel is going well. Then at next review, re-evaluate it.

It doesn't sound good pph

Your children sound lovely and diplomatic, but it does sound as though they are less than keen. They don't deserve to be bellowed at or stopped from playing with their little sister.

I would probably get rid of her sooner rather than later if it were me (not much chance of that, lol )

She sounds like she has a different style of "parenting" than you do. I am a big believer in being strict with my children (they clear their own plates and put them in the dishwasher and make their own beds even though we have a housekeeper). However, I always say please when I am giving out orders and I don't believe in just picking up a child unless they have had several warnings. And who cares which stairway they go up unless you are in a hurry and have already asked them 3 times to go upstairs (doesn't sound like the case with your nanny). I suspect that she isn't going to change because what you are describing is not "bad" behavior on her part, it's just a different way of doing things and a different set of rules and values. Unlikely that she will change those to suit you. Also, I would be very very very wary of a nanny (or any caretaker) who says to my children (or to anyone else) that she is taking a child to be with her so that they can get used to each other.
I would start looking for someone else.

Oh dear, this doesn't sound good at all.

Could she maybe feeling a bit overwhelmed with the first week being with all the children off school, you around, lots of business, etc.? And of course incredibly hard act to follow after your previous nanny?

But to be brutally honest it just doesn't sound as if she's on your wavelength at all, and I can't see it working out to anyone's satisfaction.

Perhaps you could show her this thread pph?

Oh poor you pph. Your children sound absolutely lovely. I was feeling slightly more generous until I got to their descriptions but now it sounds as though she has to go. The dumping on the floor bit and removal of dd2 (which sounds utterly genuine btw) ring real alarm bells.

thank you very much everyone

I'm going to show this to DH and have a chat with him and then have a chat to her tomorrow while DD2 is asleep and DS2 is in front of Bob the Builder or something.

I dont have a good feeling about it all, I must say, and I'm usually the first person shouting "trust your instincts" and "there are lots of lovely nannies around, bin this one" on threads like this

nannynick you are quite right - her job is mostly DD2 and DS2, and DS2 is the sweetest, most interesting, thoughtful and funny little thing. The one thing he HATES is being bodily moved from one place to the other - he likes to be in control of himself and I NEVER move him around like that - I ask/tell hm where he needs to be or if necessary turn it into a joke or whatever. But he is a really easy child who LOVES to please and I've practically never had a problem with him being in the wrong place. also he is recovering from an operation and eneeds super-gentle care at the moment.

It worries me, I must say

Your children sound lovely pph!

PPh it isn't that she is a bad nanny, it's just that she doesn't fit in with your family.

There is nothing to be bothered about - there just isn;t the 'fit'you need to make it work.
The nanny we let go understood that fully - that is was just mismatched needs and moved on quite happily to a better suited position.

I would think hard about the approach that Eleusis suggests because I think it is more important that your children are happy than it is that your nanny is!

From everything you have posted here today, I get the impression that you don;t really think the nanny suits your family. So I would find someone who does]

ditch the bitch