Help, my new nanny is a bit shouty, and I'm worried, and would like advice on how to handle it

[PrincessPeaHead]

My lovely calm, quiet, loving nanny of 5 years left last week, and a new nanny started. She is NNEB, worked in a nursery (baby room) most recently, nannied for 2 children before that. She's now been with us for just over a week.

I'm a little worried about how she interacts with the children. She has been playing quite well with DD1 (9), and has been givena very hard time by DD2 (16 months) who screams at strangers generally and hasn't settled with her yet (screamed constantly yesteerday morning when I went to the supermarket apparently). DS1 (6) has been OK with her, DS2 (3) had his tonsils and adenoids out last Tues and was feeling rotten until this weekend.

She is a bit of a sargeant major - issues orders and won't brook any discussion at all, even when it would be (I think) completely reasonable to listen to what they are saying. eg she was asking them to go upstairs for a bath - we have two staircases to go up, and DS2 wanted to go up the other one to the one she was asking him to go up - and she was raising her voice and saying "DS2, I have asked you to go up to your bath and you need to go up these stairs NOW". I don't see why he couldn't have gone up the other ones if he wanted to. There are lots of other examples - I don't think I heard my last nanny raise her voice more than about 2ce (usually in situations where I would have strangled them hours previously!), whereas raising her voice appears to be this nannies MO.
My 9 year old has asked me why she shouts so much
My housekeeper has told me she is concerned.

What do I do?

Do you think that as she knew you don't work, she had seriously underestimated the amount of work she would be expected to do?
I believe you are doing the right thing in losing her but I have to say that some of the issues could be because she thought you were sharing the care and hadn't realised that she was in sole charge.

I AM sharing the care! She hasn't been in sole charge at all! Most of last week I barely left the house because DS2 had had an op and we couldn't risk him getting a post-op infection, so he hasn't been anywhere. I've been in the house either all day or all day bar a max of 2 hours doing school runs and sainsburys.
And I have cooked every single meal, except two teas. So she had to produce boiled eggs and soldiers one day and bloody sandwiches for a picnic in the garden the next.

I'VE done all the work this week, I should have paid me £350 instead of her.

Yes, I'm going to get a friend to come in and check. HK can't stay all day, she has committments in the afternoon unfortunately

Is your nanny raising her voice or shouting?
Okay she may have a different way in being a nanny, however she should have some understanding that the children are moving away from how the old nanny doe's things to how she doe's things. She should respect that this is the childrens home and they are used to doing thing your, and theyer way. If you feel she is not right find someone else because your children are the most important here. You previous nanny sounds awesome and the kids obviouly loved her. It is hard for you and the kids to move over from one nanny to the other, however if your kids are not happy find someone else because they should not feel intimidated.

PPP, I get the feeling you don't tink this nanny is particularly good at her job. Do you want us to tell you to find another nanny? Do you even like her? Sit her down and tell her you don't expect your children to be shouted at, and point out exactly what is in her job description, what she needs to have done by the end of the day, etc. Give her another week/fortnight (tell he it is a trial period) and if things are no better, look for someone else.

I htink that you've made the right call pph. Your last nanny was marvellous and you were lucky that she was with you for so long.

I have to say that it will be a jump for most nannies to have to deal with 4 different age children (your last nanny grew into it, as did you). With the older ones I found it helpful to have a couple of books for my nanny to read to get some idea around discipline techniques with older ones as disciplining a 6 year old is very different from dealing with a 2yo.

Some of the issues (eg the leaving dd2 in the garden) may just arise out of inexperience in nannying (so many risk factors are already removed in a nursery setting). But I think that you need a different nanny - at this point you don't really trust her, and I'm not sure how easy t would be for that to change.

PPH please just trust your instincts on this one!

She sounds bloody hopeless and since this is your version of events that we are getting, I can only assume that you think she is bloody hopeless.

Even the convo you had with her tonight must have been incredibly frustrating. It's all bluster and no flipping sense, quite frankly.

I'm all for giving employees a chance to show what they can do but not when children's safely is at stake. This isn;t just about someone with a different 'parenting' style, this is someone who could put your children at risk. It just is nowhere near normal nanny standards ime.

I think you have to let her go

Is it utterly impossible to move your working day on Monday, so that you get a chance to deal with this properly?

oh pph sorry to read this what a PITA for you to deal with.
I am lol at the notion that you haven't given her a contract yet . slack or wot?
In your shoes I would feel very very unhappy tbh and would be working on my plan B. I would be very unhappy about my dd's being shouted at in this kind of tone. at the moment it seems to me that you are getting none of the benefits of having a nanny - she isn't dealing with the children in a way you would like, she isn't following her own instructions, you can't trust her &c.
I would probably phone her over the weekend and have a long chat setting out your concerns and what you want to change. be v specific. I wouldn't leave it any longer. then confirm it in writing on Monday? and make a plan to go out with her ?end of next week to review how things are going?
sorry you have this worry. you and your delightful children deserve better

do people really think it is acceptable to yell at children like this in a nursery by the way I certainly don't think so.
unasseptable, whatever the situation imo.

PPH Trust your instincts. If you're not happy in the first week - when she will have been trying her hardest - it's never going to work.
Your reasons are valid: The shouting, children aren't keen on her, the mess, lack of cooking, getting kids bathed late, but most of all leaving the youngest one alone in the garden.
It's a no brainer!!

ha ha harpsi
but you have 8 weeks to give a contract you know . anyway she has one now

I've had lots of talks with dh. We both start off by saying "maybe we should keep her, if we can get her to..." but then we end up going through a long list of things she would need to change, and finally we end up with a CLUNK at "but she left DD2 in the garden 4ft away from a paddling pool" and we both just stop.

I think it would take me so long to climb back up the hill of trusting her again, AND I would worry that when I wasn't around she was being harsh on the children, AND I would be ignoring my HK's concerns (which took a lot of courage for her to voice) AND at the end of the day I wouldn't even have a really efficient organised clean and tidy nanny.... so it isn't worth it.

And actually if she isn't the right nanny for us, then we aren't the right family for her - she can probably find a job in a smaller house with just a couple of young children and be really fine and much happier in the long run. So I'm going to terminate her employment next week. And then wonder how on earth I'm going to manage for a month or so without any help when I'm meant to be going to Greece, sitting through DD1s plays, taking DS1 for bloods and to his consultant etc etc etc!!!!

Aurgh

PS thank you very much everybody for your opinions and listening - I appreciate them all, I really do.

good call pph, I think you won't regret it

I think you will be doing the right thing in getting rid of her.
I am very confused about your reponse to my comment yesterday but that's not relevant now anyway

oh sorry lilackaty! anyway I'm glad you think I'm doing the right thing.

Now I just have to actually do it. Double Aurghghghgh.

I'm really relieved PPH. I think you've done exactly the right thing, though I know it's not going to be easy actually implementing it. Could you get people from Sitters or something for a few hours at a time to cover things like the play and hospital?

Good luck. How nasty for you. I can say without doubt that I think you are doing the right thing, it was an impossible situation and I feel it was only going to get worse, I'm afraid.

Message withdrawn

PPH - Although it is upsetting to have to deal with it, I do feel you are making the right decision

When we did the same thing, the agency sent us the cvs of few nannies who were between jobs and we hired one of these on a temp basis. In fact our current nanny was the temp that covered the second week and never left Do you know whether there are any agencies around who do temp care of this nature?

I think you're definitely doing the right thing PPH. You have to be able to trust your nanny with your kids, otherwise 'what is point'? It's horrible having to ask her to leave, but it'll definitely be better for everyone if you get someone new and she has the chance to work for a smaller family.

You've now got me worrying about the day that our lovely nanny leaves

You are doing the right thing, as others have said. Tthe water would have been a deal breaker for me. Agree, temp nanny is the way to go. Good luck.

I'll look after dd2 for you

Oh, I'm sorry peahead. I really am. Letting them go is NO fun. I guess it's a bit late to say this, but I did think that your conversation went very well. It soulnded like she was listening, she genuinely saw the error of her ways, and she was going to make effort to please you. If ever I need to reprimand an employee (nanny or other job) that is exactly the response I will want.

But, I think your mind is made up now, and for the right reasons. If you (singular you) have come to the point that the trust is gone and ou will spend your time away worrying about DD2 and whether the kitchen is clean, etc. Then, let's face you are not getting value for £350 net per week. That's a healthy salary and you can reasonably not to expect to take on this level managing/training her. If you were paying her £250 live-out full-time, I'd think you might have to expect to offer a bit of on the job training. Yes, as I type this, I am thinking more and more that what is best for the welfare of the little peaheads (and you!) is a new nanny. She is probably trainable, but you didn't really sign up to having to train her.

I did have to let a nanny go once, and it was no fun. So I do sympathise. Good luck. And, of course, let us know how it goes.

thanks everybody

enid I've just posted DD2 to you, she'll arrive on monday before 10am - can you make sure someone is in because you have to sign for her

the nanny agent has just sent me three fresh CVs through, including one girl who has spent the last 6 months in 24 hrs a day sole charge of a household of 4 kids from 8 mths to 6 years - doing all cleaning, cooking, shopping, school runs, night feeds everything - substitute mother really - while the mother was in hospital/recuperating. She sounds spectacular..... but is 21 . Will interview her but she'll have to be Mary Poppins to get past my "no under 23s" rule (or am I being unnecessarily strict)?

I'm sure I'm doing the right thing.

Sounds like she has the right experience. yes 21 is young but she may have an old head on her shoulders.

Call the agency, see if they can add anything to what you know from the CV. Sounds as though that nanny has the experience of caring for 4 children, which you will be wanting. But the nanny is young, though could have easily been nannying for the past 3 years, if they qualified when they were say 18. Look through the CV for past jobs, see if you can establish when the nanny qualified. Certainly sounds as though they are worth interviewing, just on the fact that they have had sole-charge 24-hour with 4 children.