A i right to insist DP staying with me against hospital rules?

[tiggz]

My dp and mum are goin to be my birthing partners but at the hospital im giving birth in, the policy is they can stay with me throughout the childbirth, but if my baby isnt born within the visiting hours of 12-8pm, my DP may have to leave me as its not visiting hours and i will be alone, right after having the baby, they say its because they like to give the mum plenty of rest, but if my DP isnt there with me i will only be unsettled, i'l get more rest just knowing he's beside me, not only that, i just want him there and why would he want to leave me and his newborn?
I dont want to be the anoying patient but do you think id be right to insist on him staying there. i dont want to be alone!

Sorry Milly, I am pissing myself at your post! Did you get any dinner in the end? What a pair of fecks!

We have this rule at the hospital where I work. If its the same then your DH and mum will be able to stay with you after the birth for as long as you remain on the labour ward. Once you're transferred to the p/n ward which would normally be a couple of hours later if its not visiting time then where I work they would not be allowed to stay.

If your baby is born at midnight and you go to the p/n ward at 2:00am then it isn't fair on the other ladies to have a strange man in the same bay as them. You should hopefully be getting some sleep yourself at this point.

Believe me you will be the annoying patient if you try and insist on this. You don't have any right to insist on it, you wouldn't be able to insist that someone who isn't a patient stay on any other hospital ward overnight. We sometimes have women trying this and if we can't convince them to leave we call security.

Not having partners overnight allows the other women some dignity. Would you like trying to get out of bed and walk to the corridor to the loo for the first time after a section/epidural with blood all over your nightie and running down your leg with 3 strange blokes watching you? Plus its a security issue - and no I'm not being PC/health and safety crazy person here.

We fairly frequently get visitors onto the ward who we know are know sex offenders or violent drug addicts. We have to allow them on the ward at visiting times and its bad enough trying to keep an eye on them at such times. There is no way we could manage this at night. Can you imagine the outcry if something happened to a baby while its mum was sleeping but a strange man was allowed to spend the night a couple of feet away?

In an ideal world all beds on p/n wards would be private en-suite rooms making it easier for partners to stay. But with current set up I don't think its fair. Try to look on it as a chance for you to both have a rest for a few hours, you will both be shattered. If you're having a 6hr discharge then it will only be for a few hours.

I did not

How I didn't lamp her or him or shove the fire engine up his little arse I don't know.
To make it worse my baby slept like a bloody angel throughout it all, until we got home of course then she cried for 12 hours.

I understand that you are concerned and focussing on this aspect of your soon-to-be experience. However, you may find that being left alone doesn't bother you as much as you think. I spent two nights alone with my first which was scary but as a grown-up you have to get on with it. There are lots of people in hospital with horrid illnesses that have to sleep by themselves at night without their partners. I also agree that the other women are entitled to their privacy and it is not really a case of 'insisting' that your partner stay.
I wonder if you are really worried about all aspects of labour and you have chosen to focus on this particular one. Try to concentrate on the final outcome - your precious baby that will be here soon. When you have your second baby your partner won't be able to stay anyway as he will be looking after him / her. Good luck with the birth - it won't be as bad as you think!

Your argument that he should be allowed to stay if you are only staying for a few hours is irrelevant. If he is there for 10 minutes or 10 hours other women are still not going to like a strange man nearby.

Our fist dc was born in the evening at 7 by emergency section and it was 3 hours before I made it back to the ward. Our baby was already there being looked after by daddy. He stayed until midnight when I said to go home - no one was telling him to go but they were busy so probably appreciated the help. He used to come a few minutes before 8 each morning and stayed as long as he could but was only asked to leave once when we lost track of time.

Our second was born at 9.25pm and daddy didn't go home until 1-2am as I was separated from my baby for hours and she needed her daddy to look after her. So sweet to finally be reunited and to find them skin to skin on the ward.

Our third was born at 10.15am and we never went on the ward and was home by 4pm.

You don't know how you'll cope. Due to silly reasons my dh had to miss part of my labour and had to leave again about 4 hours after ds was born, and couldn't come back for 48 hours. Sounds like a nightmare but it was fine. My friend came to visit and i just chilled with ds and watched tv. The midwives were pretty much supportive and altho i missed having someone to walk ds round the ward at times i was fine. Just lucky i had to stay in 2 days i suppose. I would have freaked out if you had told me before that would happen but in the end dh was far more gutted than me. He didn't sleep at all for the first night!

Haven't read the whole thread, but I felt exactly the same as you tiggz. I was horrified that dh would have to leave me alone. But, it was all so exhausting that I was fine when he had to leave a couple of hours afterward. He came straight back the next morning (my birthday) with flowers and a smile.
I had to stay in for a few days because of jaundice, low blood sugar (baby) and anaemia (me). It was sooo much better that dh got to go home and have a proper sleep in a bed rather than having to try to get comfortable on a hospital chair. He said he couldn't sleep all that well and just wanted to be with ds but it would have been much worse for him if he had stayed because of that.
He was more rested and able to help out a lot more.

yuo don't undersatand how the NHS works if you think this is just laziness

stripeyknckers post has it spot on

you will cope, you will be ok and you will have help when you need it

you won't be abandoned hte second your baby pops out and you will have a couple of hours with your DP on the ward before transfer

please try not to fixate on this

being on your own with the baby, all calm and quiet, and being able to look at him/her, count their eyelashes and hold them iwthouth anyone else there is acutally lovely

TBH why not aks to go home after the birth - i you can't have a home birth this would possibly be the next best thing.

i really didn't want to stay in hospital but as I had had a really rough birth they wanted me to tay in over night so I comprimised and said I would stay in only if I could go home at 8am the next mornign and they agreed.

Hardest part for me was trying to get some sleep on the PN ward with other women coughing, snoring, and ignoring their crying babies (one woman had earplugs in and had to be roused by mw's regularly to see to her newborn).

Then all day they had copious family visiting and squashing my tiny curtained area and running my catheter bag over with the neighbouring table leg.

I felt I was being tortured after a traumatic forceps theatre birth - severe sleep deprivation on the first couple of nights when DD was also sleeping more. I begged and begged for a room of my own to get some rest and was finally moved - since I had to stay in 6 days to sort my bladder I was soooo relieved to finally have some quiet.

I really missed my DH's help overnight too - moving with awful forceps damage and a catheter in all week was very difficult. The mw's made it clear I wasn't a priority and my catheter nearly burst it got so full at times. I clockwatched until 9am when DH was allowed in and cried a lot. I was just so exhausted and in so much pain.

More NHS staff would be great -I also understand why DH wasn't able to stay overnight- I really needed a lot more support than I got and I think the damage I had was underestimated by the staff.

tiggz - have you actually got any life experience? The NHS is the most wonderful institution where people get care free at the point of delivery. Do you have any idea what a privileged society we live in, in our generation? I have cared for many older patients who have winced in pain but not said a word, because they were just so GRATEFUL to be given care, as they remembered the situation when you had to be well off to afford a visit from a doctor.

I am ranting, but I just cannot understand the sentiment that the NHS, our free, comprehensive health care, saving lives, protecting lives is lazy.

Midwives up and down the country are working on wards where they are caring for far, far too many women. They are petrified of the possibility that they might miss something. They are over stretched, and they do their best.

You need to grow up and get a grip of yourself. The rules are there for a very good reason, and the midwives will discharge you as soon as they can if you wish.

Lol at NHS 'laziness'.

Op, you are making too much of this.

My dh was with me plenty after we moved out of the delivery suite. Trust me, you'll want some peace and so will your ward-mates.

x-post lou.

FOr all it's faults, the NHS is bloody fantastic.

its.

I would have loved my dh to be with me for longer, as I felt very abandoned. I was paralysed from waist down, buzzer not working, no idea where anything was on the ward - dh had had to leave as soon as we got up there, me from the operating theatre and dh from delivery suite.

I was also terrified of hospitals after an horrendous stay in a hospital in London, where I couldn't have any visitors (there was a severe d+v bug on the ward, which I had caught), dh was over 100 miles away at home and I was very ill.

However - having said all that I was well aware that these rules applied when I was pregnant, I didn't feel they had been sprung on me. I can also understand why the rules are in place, especially after having a dreadful night in hospital when I had dd2, because a partner wouldn't leave, they hid under a bed, and security had to be called.

I am due dc3 in July, and whilst I still feel sad about dh going home, I will try and make sure my buzzer works before he goes, and that everything is in place for me to feel ok.

I am hoping to have a private room this time, at my local hospital it is a one off payment of £140 (for however many nights) - the same rules apply for private rooms, but I think I will feel happier with a room of my own.

BTW - a lot of hospitals have cancelled pn ward tours, because of swine flu.

Well said Lou.

OP, I regularly do several hours of unpaid overtime a week to make sure my patients get proper care. You have, by the sounds of it, no idea whatsoever of the constraints that many people within the NHS are working within. The NHS was the best invention of the 20th century; it's not perfect, far from it, but I am proud proud proud to be a part of it.

I second lulumama's sentiments. It is so lovely to sit and stare at your newborn and be alone with him/her for a little while. DH always wanted to hold him when he wasn't feeding and we were practically competing to get to hold the little guy!! I really enjoyed just having my baby to myself for a little while.

I found it very hard to move around but mws and nurses are very nearby so you can always ring them and they will come help you if you need it (or give you paracetamol... I vividly remember the nurse coming around with the tray saying with a smile, "drugs, anyone?" and every woman within earshot saying "yes please" ).

They even took ds away for a blood test and didn't bring him back to 4 hours... to "give me some rest".... too bad they didn't tell me that before taking him away... totally defeating the purpose and having me frightened and worried the whole time instead

Tiggz - the delivery suite might be chocker and they might move you out as soon as you are stitched up and comfortable - but this is because there is not unlimited space and other women might be having their babies - it will not be because of laziness and really I would take a deep breath and rethink things now and be more understanding and accomodating of rules and the fact that other women will be there and it will also be a momentous occasion for them.

And even if you have a private room he would not be able to stay as they would not be able to police his movements during the night - would you like to be locked in because that is the only way I can see them allowing a man to stay on a PN ward overnight - for the safety of the other women and their babies as well as the nurses - he could be a predatory sex offender and drag a nurse into a toilet or a woman post birth and rape her - do you not see that this is a beyond stupid request?????

If there is no medical reason you can't have a homebirth they should not use the arguement that it is your first child - lots of women have their first children at home.

i only find the nhs lazy because of my experiences. if you'v had nothing but good experiences then thats why you dont beleave this, maybe the workers in your hospital arent, but the workers in mine are! when its1am and nurses are doing nothing but drinking tea and cant be bothered to fill in discharge forms, thts whn i say nhs workers are lazy lets say in my area. yes i know some nhs workers and hospitals are good, but my ones arent therefore they are lazy in my opinions i cannot make a possitive comment on good nhs services if i havnt been provided with them!

i have now mentioned SEVERAL times i wouldnt insist to the point of security and that my hospital states visiting hours is up for discussion so that is exactly what i will do!

starexpat thanx for your reply, i know it probably wont seem as bad afterwards, but its just seems scary right now, and annoying, i just wish it could be different.

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that you will be fine. Honestly you will. They will let the three of you stay together for a couple of hours after the birth and when you move to the postnatal ward (or your own room if you are really lucky) you will miss your DH but you will be ok. I was really worried about DH going home as well but it was actually much less stressful than I had imagined it would be.

My DS was born at 8.59pm and DH went home at around 11pm. He got a good night's sleep and was back at 8am. I slept terribly so it was good to have one of us not totally sleep deprived the next day.

I spent the whole night after the birth staring at my son - I'm sure you'll do the same thing.

It is scary being left alone with your baby but also wonderful. I couldn't bear for him to be in his little cot on his own so he slept on my chest all night skin on skin.

The midwives were really busy but if I buzzed they came - just make sure you ask for help if you need it.

we sound like very similar people, i had exactlly the same worries going into my first labour.
best tip i was given ( assuming everyhting is OK) was be clear in your birth plan that you would like 'bonding/ skin to skin' time for both you and your DP and a natural third stage ( keeps things nice and slow/at the pace it is supposed to). this should keep you in the delvery suite untill you feel ready to move on to a certain extent and should mean that you are not moved imeadiatly after baby arrives and so DP having to leave. Be clear (and nice) about this when you arrive on suite. This should give you a bit of come down time before being moved.

I was very lucky had DS at 1pm very straight forward relaxed water birth,at about 3 am they put all 3 of us in the delviery suite 'after room' with ensuite and couch untill morning .DH stayed on couch and had with DS on his chest unless he was with me untill morning when we waited for registar to give DS his check and home as quick as we could manage (10am ish) and they left us in the private ensuite room the entire time...
relax it does work out, and even if it dosn't it is important to go with the flow to a certain extent, some stuff you can not control and you just need to make the best of it. make your feelings and wishes known to the delivery staff ( and have in your bag some nice choc's for the staff room, that you give them when you arrive, puts everyone in the right frame of mind, this was a tip from a ward midwife, and worked like a charm for us!). good luck. relax try and go with the flow, as much as you can. is a really special time

just go home with your dh - you don't have to stay in and if you'd had your baby at home, the midwives would only stay for an hour or so after delivery anyway.

Drinking tea at 1:00am......mmmm yes that probably sounds like me last night and no doubt will be me tonight as well. But do you know what, I work a 10hour shift with no break. The only break I get is to sit and drink a cup of tea at the station while doing paperwork. So yes if someone goes past they probably think "lazy cow sitting on her arse having a cup of tea". But hello, we're human - we need to eat and drink.

bicnod pastagirl thanku thats encourging to hear, im going to try my best to relax, its hard to though as you know lol
sanfairyann Yes i plan on doing that, but a natural, nice labor isnt guarenteed so im hoping on having the best with no complications so i can

madame i do understand other peoples privaacy as iv said many tmes in earlier posts and i understand the risks, i have also said i know rules are ther for a reaon, it dosent mean i have to agree or want the rules! Well throughout my pregnancy iv been told i cant have homebirth as it my forst baby and im 18 so its "ill adviced" and now im 8days overdue iv been told by people on here i can, its too late to plan it.

tiggz, it might be the first and only chance a MW has for a cup of tea !
and a wee. forget eating. forget sitting . forget anything other than a quick slurp of a drink whilst writing up notes.

and i have seen many a MW stay beyond the end of her shift to look after and deliver a woman and help with feeding etc...

don't tar everyone in the NHS with the same brush