A i right to insist DP staying with me against hospital rules?

[tiggz]

My dp and mum are goin to be my birthing partners but at the hospital im giving birth in, the policy is they can stay with me throughout the childbirth, but if my baby isnt born within the visiting hours of 12-8pm, my DP may have to leave me as its not visiting hours and i will be alone, right after having the baby, they say its because they like to give the mum plenty of rest, but if my DP isnt there with me i will only be unsettled, i'l get more rest just knowing he's beside me, not only that, i just want him there and why would he want to leave me and his newborn?
I dont want to be the anoying patient but do you think id be right to insist on him staying there. i dont want to be alone!

What's needed is more support and more qualified staff, but I don't think the solution is to have men on the wards overnight with women who've just given birth.

Much as yours and my husband is a great support, there are, sadly, many other partners/husbands who are not the nicest, most supportive or quiet sort of folks.

There is also the issue that childbirth involves a woman's genitals, and so questions and care need to be given by medical professionals and those parts exposed. Many women find this quite a vulnerable state in which to be around when strange men who are not healthcare professionals can hear and possibly see.

There's also the issue of toilets. There's usually one facility for the women in the room and visitors should use another one. But if you have overnight visitors you have potential for this rule to be ignored, making some women feel even more vulnerable.

This is why there need to be rules if you're in a situation where there are wards/room sharing.

See now Im the other way Ive had 3 c sections and although I like dh to be there for a bit I certainly didnt want him to be there all the time.

The nurses help you and you learn how your baby works.

So im the opposite to leonie in my experience.

I was in a hospital with this policy. Ward of 4 beds, 1 women and her husband didn't follow the policy and it was VERY annoying. Hearing them chatting til 12pm and then snoring all night!

I complained. It's not fair on the other people in the room. I wish DH could have been there but I'm an adult and got on with it.

I think it's quite selfish to "insist". One of my worst memoreis with DD2 is being in established labour on the AN ward (not being able to keep silent during contractions) and someone woman's DG being on the other wide of the curtain whilst I moaned. It was horrible and I was so embarassed. And spare a thought for new/modest mums who don't want to try and bf in front of random men.

If you make it clear that you would like to leave asap after the birth it is unlikely that you wll be even transfered to the ward you will leave straight from the delivery suite and so your DH will stay until you go.

It is possible to discharge yourself whenever you feel ready. With my DS1 I left dead on the minute that the six hours that the hospital need to pass before they will sign you out. We were packed and ready to go and we and the midwife were just hanging around waiting for the hands on the clock to tick by.

After a straight forward birth you will be glad your DH leaves so that you can have some rest. Obviously if circumstances are such that you really need him to stay then he will be allowed to.

On my last baby on the second day the midwive came in at lunch and said shed come to bath my baby and wash me I asked her why?.

She seemed rather surprised that id showered myself and bathed the baby too.

Lulumaam thankyou

leoniedelt thanks, i know how you feel about needing you dh, im exactly the same, i dont sleep well atall in hospitals when you feel most vinrable alone as it is let alone after the biggest traumatic thing thats going to happen to you ever!

yes rules are there for a reason but it dosent stop a woman feeling scared and wanting her dp

I think every woman is different and each requires different things, the people like nickschick are lucky as they dont want there dp's to be with them, but people like myself and leonie are unlucky and its tough luck for us, we have to grit our teeth and bear it!

No I didnt say that I didnt want dh to be with me.

I knew the rules and didnt act like the world would stop revolving if I didnt get what I wanted.

FGS.

nancydrewrocks i hope my birth experience will be exactly like yours then.
its encouriging to hear possitive stories! thanx

Then do that;you're not the only one on the ward. Believ me, having your privacy and dignity compromised by the presence of someone else's DH on the other side of a curtain is horrible

The forst c section was an emergency one and my lovely ds wasnt breathing when he was born and he was in intensive care for a week with suspected brain damage etc etc.

ds2 was born just as mil died from terminal cancer.

Ds3 made me so ill I collapsed and nearly died myself needing 3 months total rest and nearly a year on medication.

so no thats not luck.

well, i wanted my husband there, desperately.

but i knew that because it's the NHS that rules are rules and he had to go home.

i had had a 24 hour labour, no food for drink for 32 hours, it was hot as hell, i'd have a forceps delivery with accompanying cut and stitches.

i was left in a room on my own. no one answered the buzzer. i had no catheter, but could feel i needed to use the loo, although my legs were still on pins and needles.

i crawled hand over hand to the toilet.

but at no point would i have insisted he stayed.

it's not fair to other women, their security and privacy.

the fault of the system is that there is not enough qualified staff, not with visiting hours.

nickschick okay i misread it, but u did say u didnt want him there all the time, so it must be easier for people who would just LIKE there dps there but dont feel as though they NEED there dps there.

Tiggz I don't think you are blowing it out of proportion and I felt the same way about it before I had DD, but afterwards it seemed less important and handy to have DP well rested.

I hope all goes well and it's a quick in-out job! Good luck.

second time, i discharged off the delivery suite.

third time, another instrumental delivery from hell.

i signed us out AMA after 2 days after i told them i wanted out at 8AM and by 6PM no paed had shown up.

my husband had driven 2 hours to collect me so we were leaving.

they coughed up a paed magically, after all my hours of asking.

i understand why you are paniking.

DH was under strict instructions not to leave me alone at the hostpital when I was having DS1. I was really very scared of being left alone there. I've no idea why..I'm quite independant usually.

Anyway, luckily DS was born at 1pm, so DH got to spen the afternoon sleeping on my bed with me. I had expected to leave the same day, but some bitch face Dr decided that I might not be able to breast feed or I might heamorage, so I needed to stay in. dH was fabulously assertive, but I chose to stay in with out him. With hind sight, I wish I'd uped and left.

Ds2 was born at 4am, so DH was thrown out. I didn't realise that if we'd lingered in the delivery room he could have stayed longer, so that was my mistake. DH went home, got some much needed sleep, and came back to collect me later that day. I was quite wild, adn left before DS had done a poo....apparently babies are supposed to do a poo before leaving hostpital to make sure their anus is open. I felt like a very naughty girl, but did have HOME BIRTH written all over my notes, as that had been my intension, had I not chosen to be induced.

I'm not sure what my point is here...except to agree that your husband should be allowed to stay, but won't be.

Unless you pretend not to speak a word of English, and need him to translate for you. A couple in the bed next to me managed to pull this off. I knew she could really speak English, as I heard her speaking English to the baby.

nickschick no then it is not luck but i am not telepathic and didnt know your sistuation, it was luck that you didnt feel as though you NEEDED your dp with you tho, im not saying your hole situation is lucky but i am sayin the part about not needing your dp is for your and other woman, but i am sorry to hear about your situation

littlesilver i did say that i wouldnt insist to the point of security but my hospital rules say that visiting hours and dps stayin can be discussed at anypoint so i will certainly discuss it, i also said i understand other woman needing ther privacy and i understand that!

plantsitter thanku ever so much, im sure it wont seem as bad afterwards, its just before hand when you feel as though you need your dp but youv been told you cant its pretty scary!

expatinscotland yea this is what id call NHS laziness

I think that comment about NHS laziness is uncalled for and rather rude.

lynettescarvo ha ha thats a good idea actually, things some people come up with id never of though it lol
im glad some of you agree that dps should be aloowed to stay!

littlesilver everybody is entitled to there opinion, i personally think NHS is lazy and i have experiences in hospital to back this up. its not uncalled for its my opinion. and its not rude, i wasnt direscting my opinion to you i was sayin think they are lazy alot of time they avoid discharge early because some workers cant be bothered to do the paper work...just one of my experiences

Tiggz I know exactly how you feel!

With my DD I was 18, had not much experience with babies and I was petrified.

She was born at 8pm, and after my bath and a few visitors I was taken to the postnatal ward about 11pm and my partner had to leave.

Tbh I hadn't given it much thought prior to this and so was not anticipating being left alone on the ward with my baby- at least you have more sense than me and are thinking about this now.

I have to say that when I found out I was expecting again with DS this was what frightened me most, more than the pain of labour. But I was lucky that our local hospital had a new home from home birth centre where after the birth you are moved to your own private room with en suite bathroom and DOUBLE bed as they encourage your partner to stay with you! This was NHS and you didn't have to pay private for it.

I jumped at the chance and was prepared to forgo pain relief for the comfort of not being on my own.

Could you not see if there is anything like that around nearby?

If not then perhaps your best bet is a home birth.

fedupofthis oh my god that would be perfect, im only 18 too so im in exactly same situation as you are! iv never even heard of anything like that but i think its worth looking into for next time, because unfortunately its too late now or for a homebirth as im 8days overdue, im so glad someone else understands totally and was in the same situation, its definately somthing i will find out about for next time as i feel as though i nedd my dp and the thought of being alone is terrifying. thanku xx

Hmm. I was quite sympathetic to you until you accused them of laziness. I think you'll find that all the staff on the ward are actually run off their feet with work - delivering babies isn't exactly a predictable thing.

The hospital I had DD3 in had an open all hours policy for DH's and other children which meant one lady's husband brought her three year old and a fire engine toy to the ward. You can only imagine the noise.
All fecking day he pushed the bloody thing up and down the ward whilst she and her DH sat smiling like two goons at their new family.
Then her DH accidently ate my dinner because they thought it was spare, i'd gone to the toilet.
By the time my DH came back i'd been up 48 hours in total, had a new baby to look after and was near to tears.
I left skidmarks on the lino I left so fast but my DD was only 6 hours old, really not fair at all.
People really need to think about other patients if they are in hospital, it's to rest, not for socialising.

DS1 was born at nearly 11pm but I stayed in the delivery room until about 9am (DH tried to go home @ 2am ) So DH was with me the whole time. DS2 was born midday, I went home after 6 hours and the whole time I was in the delivery room/taking a bath etc. Oddly enough though, when I went back in with DS2 (infection) I was in a private room and DH still had to obey all the visiting times, otherwise I'd suggest just booking one (if they have any).