BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

[VictorianSqualor]

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

Hi all, I am only pregnant and haven't given birth ever but I couldn't read your writing and not comment. It's appalling, brutal, horrifying and just grossly unfair the way many of you have been treated, and the things you've experienced. My heart goes out to you, and I think you're incredibly brave and resiliant. You should be so proud of yourselves for getting through this with little support as well as the responsiblity of a baby/babies.

Just wanted to acknowledge your stories and say that you're all inspirational. These experiences are considerable traumas, that border on or are infringements of human rights, and yet you are coping. Kudos.

Im watching this thread with interest- This is my subject choice for my dissertation.

damdaffs, I think, though I don't know, that once you've had a c-section you can choose another. I'm unsure about it.

And yes, the fact that my tummy is all messed up already and that I could avoid being messed up down below aswell has crossed my mind. Again, flippant. Sorry, not really appropriate.

snowymum, just wanted to say hope this doesnt totally put you off childbirth hope you have a good 'NHS handbook style' straightforward birth. Hope i dont sound patronising, dont want to, but what i would say is read up as much as you can about childbirth ins and outs and don't take any crap from medics or midwives. I did cos i felt i couldn't lose it and swear etc - retaining that bit of self-control helped me with the pain, but in retrospect i wish i had got a bit more lairy and been more assertive. Next time...god help em!!

hmmm, LaTrucha that sounds like a BOGOF! No good for me then, hurrumph!

Don't think its flippant at all, got to be practical about these things and at the end of the day its your bod, isnt it?

Ha, thanks damdaffs. I have hired an indie midwife on the credit card because I have a pathological mistrust and loathing of people who think they're in charge, so hopefully am going to be lucky. Even if I have to transfer (planning a home birth) I'll have my own advocate who can tell the arrogant consultants to f*ck off. And yep - have read Ina May, Dick whatsit, pages and pages and pages of mumsnet top advice and Sears. And have an excellently bolshy DH who I will encourage to stand between me and anyone who wants to mess with me! Easy to say now, of course... I think one of the most useful things, being selfish for a moment, I've read here is not to be too set on one particular idea of how it's going to go. I think it's when you feel degraded and like a piece of meat that it's unacceptable. They really do have a lot to answer for.

snowymum, i think you are doing right thing in having independent midwife, if i get knocked up again would deffo do this. plus yes, bolshy DH is excellent, mine is wonderful but maybe too nice, he even helped the midwives un-jam the baby heart monitor machine in the middle of my labour . And being open to anything happening is great idea.
funny thing about medics, i worked in NHS for years. i think they get so focussed on the 'getting baby out healthy' thing (rightly), mum gets treated like the pea pod and is cast aside. Plus i guess they are scared of getting sued. There is all this stuff about mothers being involved in the process but the reality is there isnt the time or the staff available and really its just a sausage factory. Unless you get that home birth - fingers crossed for you!

I think the main problem is that a lot of first time mums are made to feel a little neurotic with all the superior attitude you get from the staff and, if you're anything like me, you see these people as God like beings who should be obeyed- they made me feel like a naughty little girl!

Second time around I will definitely stick up for myself a LOT more. I mean, I asked the MW if the anaesthetist wouldn't mind popping down quickly to give me an epidural, only if he wasn't too busy with other people....I don't want to be a pain!! And then was too afraid to mention the pain when he was drilling the needle into my vertebrae- just murmuring 'that seems to hurt a little more than I expected SIR!!!!' And then was too scared to bother the MW (who did look very busy scribbling manically in my notes) that the needle she'd just put in my hand had actually gone through & through & was sticking out dripping Syntocin all over the place. I usually don't take any shizzle but honestly felt like I was an enormous burden considering they were doing me such a favour completely fudging my son's delivery!

Next time will be different ladies- I mgiht drag a few of you in with me though.

And for all ma's looking forward to their first birth or the first following a traumatic one; just go in prepared, headstrong and, possibly most importantly, with someone there to support you who is fully informed of our choices and will fight your corner if you for any reason can't.

I just pray we haven't struck the fear of God into you all. For what it's worth my son's a beautiful, happy little one year old who is blissfully unaware of the horror his poor martyr mother went through to have him. I can't wait to hit him with that when he really plays me up in the future though!!

I can only speak for myself of course, but don't worry about worrying first time mums. It's exactly the sort of information and experiences you're sharing here that give us the info we need to take control of our own births. So thank you, and don't let us stop you x

funny, i thought i would be really stroppy in childbirth, i do have those red mist moments normally, but in labour i sort of felt like if i lost it, they will have won. Sounds a bit mad i spose. I dont normally take a lot of crap either.

you should have seen the junior anaesthetist i eventually got for my epidural, hadnt slept all night i think and looked like he didnt have the co-ordination to walk in a straight line! But as he had the power to numb my pain i was quite happy to let him mess with my spine .

But yes, they are worth it, even if it takes a few months to get over the birth bit.

LOL damdaffs- funny how desperation for pain relief could mean that a chimp with a stethoscope could walk through the door & you'd happily let them prod you!

thats about the size of it - and in my birth plan i said something smug like 'want to avoid epidural if at all possible' - yeah right..'wink' - 'ere, give me the thing and i'll do it myself, sure i can just twist round or something.....'

I am marking the place here in this thread as I'd like to come back to it later and possibly talk about what happend with DS1 when he was born (when I get the courage up to re-live it!)

I just wanted to say now though, that its so sad what so many of us have been through and SO much of it could have been eased a great deal by being listened to properly during labour and by better after care.
Things really do need to change.

Its a great thread to start for a bit of support for each other and hopefully will aid the moving on!

I read the first few posts then decided I would post my story then go back over the thread and read the rest of the posts so apologies for not being much use on this first post .
Dd, my first, was a relatively straightforward first birth- needed an epidural and ventouse but no big issues and home the same day. she weighed 7lb 2oz.
4 years later I was expecting again and had a huge bump. Mws estimated it to be a bit bigger than dd but there were no concerns. 3 weeks before my due date I spent 2 nights in hospital with an undiagnosed issue (dizziness, vision probs, high BP, generally feeling unwell), which never erally resolved itself and worried me for the next 3 weeks. 5 days before my due date I thought I was having contractions so went to hospital where I was diagnosed with a uti and prescribed antibiotics (interstingly, the symptoms I had had since 37 weeks disappeared after the anti-bs so I suspect I had had a uti for 3 weeks).
2 days before my due date I started getting niggly pains on and off and spent the afternoon before my due date on the delivery suite before being sent home because I wasn't in labour. The next morning I was woken at 4am by excruciating contractions every 2-3 minutes and had to go in straight away (via friend's to drop dd off with me panicking in the front about her worrying about me being in pain and dh going through red lights because he thought the baby was abut to appear). Basically, before I got there I was majorly stressed already!
When we arrived I had some pethidine and got to 6cm before starting G+A then went for an epidural. Within a few hours I was fully dilated but with no urge to push but mws kept encouraging me to so I tried for 90 minutes before the consultant was called. She examined me and immediately said we had to go to theatre to try forceps but if that failed I may have to have a cs so off I went to theatre where I was given a spinal. Cons didn't even attempt forceps, just said I'd need ecs. Ds had come down the birth canal slightly with all the pushing so he had to be pushed back up again before they could deliver him. THe rest of it is a blur- I just remember sobbing, saying 'is my baby going to be ok', 'promise me my baby will be ok' and getting hot and anxious. Ds scored 5 on the apgar scale and needed chest massage and oxygen but I didn't know anything of this until dh told me later. He weighed 9lb8oz
Ds is now 24 weeks and his birth is still haunting me. I think about it lots and have flashbacks at random times.
I feel like a failure because I couldn't deliver him but managed it with dd.
I didn't expect to have a cs after having a vaginal birth first time round and I just can't get my head round why...just why.
I've tried talking to people in rl but the response is nearly always that we were both ok, which is all that matters. I agree, obviously but it doesn't alter the way I feel.
I have requested a copy of my notes but have yet to receive them and I am unsure if they will actually help or not. The notes I saw said the reason for ECS was OP/DTA. I undestand what OP means and guess he got into this position during.just before labour as he was always in the right position at antenatal checks. DTA I think means deep transverse arrest (googling- not entirely sure what it means).
On the positive side, my CS recovery was fine,I had no problems with breastfeeding and ds is a beautiful, happy baby and I love my family very much. I just wish I could get over this.

I feel bad now having read more of your stories. I actually had it pretty easy compared to some of you
This thread has made me cry, which I think I haven't done enough of tbh.
I sincerely hope that time does prove to be a great healer for all of us. I have so much respect for those of you who are moving on and dealing so well with it.
VS< thank you for starting this thread

haylstones, that sounds so scary, no wonder you are having flashbacks. its still early days really tho. but you are right, you need to sort it out in your own mind. i think - not completely sure - that if you are looking at copy of your notes in the hospital you can have someone with you to explain what all the shorthand means - but even if you got sent them at home, your GP should be able to help you interpret them.

Thanks damdaff, I have requested the notes so will have a look through at home (if I can bring myself to do it) and if there's anything I don't understand I'll get help with it.
Sorry to hear your experience and I know exactly what you mean about the control and empowerment issues.

Is there a time limit up to when you are able to request your notes?
DS1 is nearly 3 but I now think it would help to read through my notes and try to understand what happened... Is it too late?

If not, how do I start going about it? I now live in a completely different area so would have to put any requests throiugh the post..

Think you can request your notes at any time. It has to go in writing to the Records Office at the hospital, who send out a form to confirm your identity etc.
HTH

hi folks. i just wanted to say that this is a really emotive thread, i am sitting here feeling anger, sadness, fear and awe at what all you have went through. i remember some of the women in my postnatal ward - they looked like they were in serious shock, with something having been taken them in so many ways. some of them really needed to tell and retell what they had been through but there was no staff there to listen or support them. others were in stunned silence. i really felt for them and no-one seemed to take on board how deeply affected they were.

Haylstones- you have not failed anyone, you HAVE to believe that. And I do completely understand that no matter what people say to you ('oh well, you're both OK now')- that terror doesn't leave you for a long time and if you had expectations of birth, it can be so hard when you get thrown such a curveball. You are right to be upset about it and, as many of us have said, Mumsnet is a Godsend as you can talk (anonomously if you like) to other Mums who have been there & done it.

I empathise with you as I felt very guilty about having an ECS which wasn't helped by a couple of my friends saying 'oh, couldn't take it and copped out did we?' - WHO SAYS THAT?! But it is not a cop out and what was eventually best for your baby was done. It's a scary thing and is a major op which is suddenly forced upon you so see if they'd like it (sticks tongue out). I did feel a bit robbed and, to be honest, I am terrified of having a vaginal birth next time as despite 4 days of contractions every 90 seconds, got nowhere near pushing & that was tough enough!!

You are very brave talking about it whilst it's still so raw and I should imagine many of us wished we'd done the same. Well done.

I just wanted to say thank you to VS who has probably done a huge favour to a lot of mums by starting this thread and after reading your profile, was really impressed to read that you plan to go into this whole childbirth business. I just wish I knew about Mumsnet when I was pregnant & post-birth!

Thanks for starting this thread - I feel I've had 2 traumatic births and not really spoken to anyone about it but do quite often sit and blub about it all. There are some terrifying stories on this thread already and I don't think mine particulary compare but the feelings they've left me with are just the same.

My dd1 was found to be breech at about 36 weeks and i was planned to be induced at 38 weeks because I'm diabetic. Did everything I could to turn her myself and am sure that happened. But morning of my admission, while in the bath, I watched and felt her go back to breech. On admission, I asked if the consultant be contacted to consider turning her manually but long and short of it he never was. Then had midwives looking after my diabetes overnight on the ward who were, at best, clueless and I did it all myself (helps I'm also a nurse). So had an elective section but dd taken straight from me to scbu (had asked at least 4 different people who assured me she would stay with me so really shocked by it). They then realised it was a mistake and went to get her back.....only to be told she wasn't there and weren't quite sure where she was. My dh eventually found her by accident

I complained about all of this treatment and got a reply (still have it somewhere but upsets me too much to read it)

Had dd2 22 months on at a different hospital so thought things would be better. Consultant had agreed to attempted vbac but all went wrong when midwife on duty insisted I had an epidural because my bp was rising . After that needed continuous monitoring, 2 drips, catheter and failed to dilate. Really different from birth plan where I'd put I wanted an active birth. Ended up with an emergency c-section but stupid surgeon left a piece of placenta behind. I spent the next 4 weeks being really very unwell and was told by several midwives and doctors I must have a low pain threshold. In the end had a huge pph and ended up being rushed to hospital by ambulance and going more or less straight to theatre - needed about 6 pints of blood in all and still left anaemic! Complained about that as well and got some crappy apology.

I've since had dd3 that was a straightforward elective section but I still yearn for a natural delivery. I feel I've missed out on something I really want and could have changed the way things have gone if only I'd been stronger and stood up for myself.

I feel I've brought it all on myself in a way because I become a no-brainer when I'm a patient myself and go along with anything they tell me.

My main issues are how to get over these feelings of failure/sadness and not think about my births as sad events

Friends Oimum? Goodness me!

Haylstones - I had a similar feeling that other women on here have gone through worse. BUt as I think VS said, it's the effect it has on you, for whatever reason, not necessarily the most grizzly or painful. At least IMO.

I'm so shocked at the amount of women who have posted on this thread! It's shocking that so many people are put through these horrid experiences.

It does help to get it out though doesn't it?

I rememeber being told the whole 'You couldn't hack it and had to get an ECS' from a friends partner after she had her DD in under 2 hours with no pain relief because i
23t 5was too quick. It really pissed me off because they don't know what it's like to be told your child almost died and I don't mean any offence to anyone but am sure that and having a horrible experience hurts a whole lot more than a perfect delivery! Sorry can't remember why I wrote that but just wanted to vent I think