BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

[VictorianSqualor]

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

oi mum, sorry i missed yr post. what a pile of pants you had to go thru, and 'excluding you from their budget' ...just about sums up the NHS these days. Know what you mean about having more, i can only just consider it, think because birth memory has finally got slightly blurred edges after 2 years..

Sounds horrific OiMum, and again, in the hands of medical 'professionals'.
How is your DS now?
I was monitored for IUGR with DS2 because of the placental abruption with DD, they did a doppler scan at 26 weeks too which showed I was more at risk of IUGR or Pre-Eclampsia, as I had restricted bloodflow, so that's something I'd ask for if you have a another child.

damdaffs Yes, and no, I think if you can quote facts and figures back at them they realise you're not just a walking incubator, also print off any relevant information and keep it in your notes, highlighted, to be able to produce if need be.

No we made no formal complaint as I was just so past it and just so grateful to be home after 8 days in hospital being treated like a teenage offender that we just let it pass. I was also never given the chance to amend my notes as there was no mention of the anaesthetist trying to drive the epidural into my backbone in there!!

I think that having a difficult birth inevitably affects you for the rest of your life, whether it's your first baby or one of many. The thing is, this certainly goes for me anyway, I was so determined to be strong & just get on with it that I would never admit to anyone that my labour left me with so many worries. I was so scared of being labelled with PND that I just hid from it.

Were many of you left feeling a bit isolated afterwards? You're suddenly on your own, with this completely dependent little person and all this emotion and nuttiness flying around! All part of any childbirth I know but when you're physically recovering more than usual as well it can hit you twice as hard I think. And owning up to feeling a bit lonely to a HV is like signing your own section admission, isn't it?!

No, no-one has misread the OP!!!

It says

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

crumbs yes, i felt totally isolated. partly cos i kept replaying the birth in my head for months, couldn't understand why everyone else just seemed to move on almost immediately, overjoyed at having their baby which 'made it all worth it'. thought i must be a wimp cos i couldnt deal with it. my friends who had kids same time are great but they seemed to have ok births and did the classic 'burst into tears with joy' at the sight of their baby, whereas i just felt confused and like i'd been in a bad car crash. and yes, i didnt want to admit feeling down to health visitor as id been depressed before and thought i'd get 'watched'. also in shock at what bloody hard work it is!!! wish i had discovered mumsnet two years ago definitely.

sorry not to reply VS.
Have been working this morning (for a change!)

ds was 9lb 7oz.
I'm 5'3 and not that big.
I always thought I had child bearing hips, but obv not.
The real issue was his head rather than weight - it was on the 98th centile.

I am 14 weeks and am going to see the midwives on Mon.
Want to have a proper chat and make sure things
go a bit better this time.

I feel a bit guilty being so worried as reading this thread reminds me that others people have had a much worse time, but I just can't help it.

I am amazed that you ladies ever went on to have more kids- haemorrhages, forced c-sections, racism! What a joyful time it is!

The emotional stress of it all is amplified by the physical recovery attached to a difficult birth.

As many of you have said, knowledge and keeping strong with the medical staff has got to help in future pregnancies.

mslucy - I don't think anyone would say that a 9lb 7oz baby from a 5'3" woman was an easy task!!

Will they monitor you more closely this time and keep an eye on the baby's growth? Would you opt for a c-section if the bambino is big or would simply knowing what you're up against help prepare you for a natural birth?

yep, I def. felt isolated, even with DS1's birth I didn't explain my feelings to anyone, it wasn't until I was pg with DS2 that I really admitted/faced my fears.
MsLucy are you going to ask for an ELCS? Also consider asking for regular growth scans if you're worried about the size, DS2 was 98th centile for everything on his scans, and they knew he was going to have a large head, which they weren't wrong about!

Yes, it has become quite a blur to me. A bit like having been in the eye of a storm, a lot of stuff going on around me, but feeling very quiet and spaced in the middle. I wish I'd known more, not that I could have changed my condition, but just feeling so powerless and placing all my trust in the medical team is what I would never want to repeat. And I must stress, the midwives and to some extent the consultants were great.

at being bundled off to another hospital OiMum!

I wish I'd known about MN back then, for pregnancy, birth and after wards, I think it would have been invaluable.

meant to say, i also am not naturally very good at meeting new people so i totally avoided the 1 o'clock clubs which prob was the wrong thing to do, but feeling depressed i had even less confidence to do it. and the last thing i wanted to do was go out and talk to mums about babies, felt desperate to go out and do things 'non-mum related' for a breather.
i think there can be a real feeling of not existing as a person anymore, you are just a mother, suddenly invisible! i felt like saying 'oi! i'm still here'

I am sure my experience has affected me for life. I am confident that I have dealt with it the best way I could and in time for DD's birth - which was a caesar too but a beautiful positive and calm experience - which was lucky.
I still find it hard to talk about without blubbing (DS's birth that is) and like Oimum I am sure it affects the way I treat DS. I am sure the experience also affected DS as a baby and small child - especially if I compare DD as a baby with him. I love them the same amount but in different ways - with DD I am pretty relaxed and confident about her as a person and I don't stress about stuff. With DS I worry all the time about all sorts of stupid stuff. When DD throws a wobbly she throws a wobbly. When DS throws a wobbly I convince myself that I damaged him with the lack of bonding etc etc. Stupid I know.
I do a lot of work on this to make sure that I am outwardly equal with them - I never favour one over the other - but internally I know I am not, DS seems to be a constant worry to me - when really there is nothing to worry about; he is the most amazingly cool kid ever .
I think that whatver the experience it is intensely personal to YOU. My father said to me only last month that he 'never did get that' about my bonding issues with DS because my mother never had that problem. I told my dad, "How can you possibly have an opinion about it? Have you ever given birth and stared death in the face?"
My sister still says things like, "The problem with you when your DS was born was x,y and z" I said to her that she has no possible idea what 'my problem' was or is and until she has walked in my shoes she can't have an opinion about how I dealt with it when it all happened.
That is why I get so uptight when there are threads on here about the VBAC and C-S debate and the "There is no reason why a woman can't give birth normally" argument. I would have given both my arms to have had the chance to give birth naturally. I was in labour for 48 hours before any intervention happened. There was NO botch up by the hospital. There was no intervention because I wouldn't let them intervene. In the end it was taken out of my hands because I was at the end of the line, physically and mentally. I held on to that bloody birth plan with gritted teeth and in the end it was worthless.
I AM a woman that produces babies too big for her body - 5"6', pre baby size 8, small hands and feet. DS was 10lbs 1/2 an ounce and DD was 10lbs 10oz - both had head circs way over the 98th percentile ...
I'd still be pregnant now if I hadn't had caesars.

Wow ghosty! Them sure are some big babies you be having! I think you are right though- although the most natural thing on Earth, some of us just aren't ever going to have an easy time of it. The only thing is at least we are lucky enough to be able to conceive them in the first place! Some of us just aren't designed for it unfortunately.

Love the comments from you pa & sister- just what you want and need. People are so quick to comment on things they just have absolutely no clue about?

It is all in the past for me - I won't be having any more, that's for sure (unless I want to break the 11lb barrier ) but I want to say that as VS says, being in control is very very important but also being open to all possibilities is also important too. Sticking rigidly to a birth plan like I did, and putting my own life and my baby's life at risk like I did, was not what I wanted with DD.
I wanted to go for a VBAC if possible but was open to change if necessary - and that's what happened, a labour that didn't progress (again) followed by a sensible calm move to the op theatre for the lovely calm and happy c-section that gave me my DD. If I could change that for a happy positive natural birth story I would but the main words here are 'calm' and 'happy' and 'positive' whether it be natural or not ...
IMHO

I had a traumatic 1st birth with dd and it took me a year to order my notes and another 6 months to open them. I don't want to go over the gory details anymore but it is only in this pg have I been able forced to confront them.

I am currently 34 wks pg (on the same antenatal thread that Biglips) and I began to suffer depression with this pg which I concluded was linked to my first birth experience and treatment postnatally.

For me the healing began by finding possible ways in which to make this experience more positive. Along that road I have found some of the answers to the trauma of my first experiences and have also found out some pretty scary and damning things of what amounted to gross mismanagement of my and dd's care.

I am not someone who can be fatalistic about future outcome so by informing myself of my choices and rights and exploring some of the possible eventualities and finding possible solutions to what may happen in my next birth, I have faced the pain which had lain inside me. I am now feeling a lot more positive, this time round.

I second reading Ina May Gaskin's Guide to Childbirth and I have heard damn good things about Birthing without Fear too.

I had a difficult pregnancy, mainly due to crappy care, and also a traumatic labour, well to me but seems stupid compared to some of yours but has put me off having any more children as I spent most of my time worrying.

Well it's a long story but I'll start hope you don't mind...

I was 19 when I found out I was pregnant at 5 weeks and was happy, went to doctors to confirm and he told me I would have a dating scan just to check everything over at around 8 weeks and that a MW would come and visit me as soon as to go through everything with me.
At 12 weeks the MW finally appeared after countless phone calls, checked everything blah de blah then I got my scan date... 18 weeks and 6 days pregnant I got my first scan and got all my bloods done etc, I never got the results. This was also the only appointment I had with my MW before 20 weeks.

I moved area doctors/hospital and MW at 7 months pregnant, mad routine appointment with MW to discuss bloods she had contacted old hospital who had lost my results so had to repeat bloods and came back had severe aneamia and couldnt tel whether my blood was positive or negative so had to repeat 3rd round of bloods. Finally at 7.5 months got to see a consultant who asked about detailed scan, told him I hadnt had one he was shocked and got me off to get one straight away. Was doing scan and nurse went to get consultant not saying wy after 10 minutes told us DS only had one arm to be told 5 minutes later that she hadnt done the scan properly.
Just before my due date I was out shopping when my waters broke, I contacted MW who told me that my waters had not broken sometimes pregnant women could leak urine and without seeing me decided this is what had happened. A few days later I told MW about waters before she did a membrane sweep but said no you'd know. Left it at that and took her word for it.
At 5 days overdue I started to get contractions went to hospital as they were about 2 mins apart and v. painful was attached to fetal heart monitor and heart kept slowing right down and the alarm on the machine kept goin off at his heartrate. After an hour MW decides it was okay for me to go home even though I had to be put in wheelchair to go to the car as I couldnt walk when I was getting a contraction.
At 5am next morning went to hospital with very bad contractions about 45 seconds apart got there attached to heart monitor again same thing going on was 3cm dilated, MW broke my waters and nothing came out literally a small puddle she asked if had already broken I expained wha I though and she said that wouldve been my waters going and I shouldve been brought in, consultant came in and said everything is fine with baby take me to the labour ward I asked for a second opinion doctor said to get me prepped for ECS as baby was in severe distress at which point 4 doctors came in to pt in cathater, drip and get me ready etc, man who was putting drip in tried 23 times according to my medical notes and couldnt get it in MW had to ask him to leave as he just kept putting it in and pulling it out then was finally taken to theatre, where spinal block was inserted 3 times also as it wouldn't stick in IYKWIM, where my son was born without a problem eventually. Tok me a few days to get over it all as I couldnt understand what was going on and to this day the doctors hav never told me why I needed a ECS even though they told my mum my DS had his cord round his neck twice and was being strangled with every contraction.

Soory it's so long but I just had to tell the whole lot to get my point across about it all, it terrifies the thought of this happenening to me or anyone else again.

booksgalore, i have learnt recently that it is not the size of the baby but the size of the head which is more crucial.

dd was only 7lb 4 oz at 38 wks when I was induced but her head circumference was on the 95%. Dh has a big head and mine, well, isn't small either so no wonder.

Thanks booksgalore, I came on to see what other exoeriences people have had because it's nice to know it's not just me who has gone through this and that its not just me who is terrified at the thought if it happeneing again.