BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

[VictorianSqualor]

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

booksgalore I definitely feel they should be regular rather than singular. If you imagine a fetus in relation to a baby and the ups and downs they have on the centiles, most babies will go upand down centiles, but keep coming back to their average centile, the same can be said for babies in the womb, so one growth scan may not plot accurately, whereas regular scans will give a better indicator of which centile your baby is likely to be on.

In my pregnancy notes it had a chart showing centiles , weeks gestation and sizes, both of head circumference and weight, do your notes have this? It was near the back somewhere.

mamadiva I'm so glad I got to the end of your story without the ending I was expecting.
Yet again, medical 'unprofessionals.
This is so sad.

mamadiva your story is horrible, as is booksgalore. To ask whether you are dying and not get a response must have been terrifying.

I know it's the oldest saying going but just because these people deal with this all day every day and they're completely at ease, we don't do this every day and we are scared out of our wits! I always find the scariest thing is the unknown and feeling completely out of control. Although with childbirth there are some things which you have absolutely no control over, at least being confidently informed of matters would help no end.

And is it me or do about 90% of mothers have some horror story which revolves around lack of care/support/professionalism from hospital staff? Saying that- NHS aftercare isn't exactly top notch either. I asked a HV at least 5 years my junior (I am a mere 27) a question and she immediately consulted her coursework notes!

Hi everyone. I've read through the thread so far and must say I think it is a great idea - so many people have had to face such horrors in isolation, and by sharing with people who understand hopefully we can all feel stronger.

I'm 11 weeks pg with my second, and am really not sure how I feel at the moment. This pg was planned, and we would have ttc earlier but wanted to be more sure I was feeling positive about birth, but now the reality of pg has hit home I think I've taken a few steps backwards.

There are so many parts of my story that might have caused trauma, that I'm really not sure what to mention and what to leave out, and I've analysed it over and over for 20 months now!

My contractions started at 5.30pm on dd's due date. They were every ten minutes, and really not too painful, but in my naivety I thought I'd be better off getting to hospital, and eventually got there at 9pm. I was examined, only 1cm, so came home. Through the night the contractions became more painful, and I got no sleep. Finally went in again at 3am. At this point I was in a small comfortable room in a mw-led unit, and was coping with the pain with breathing. I was using a birthing ball, and the general mood was good - I was hopeful of meeting my lo soon, coping well with the pain etc.

This all changed when there was a change of shift and a new mw examined me. She panicked. She strapped me to a monitor for half an hour concerned about my bp (which was ok), then said she thought the baby was breech and I'd have to be transferred where my waters could be broken in a controlled way, and I might possibly have an E-CS.

I was crying at this point as they loaded me onto the stretcher, and put me in the ambulance. Dh had to follow behind in his car, and I was most afraid of arriving at hospital without him, and having a general anaesthetic and CS without him being there.

When I got there the scan revealed dd wasn't breech. The consultant broke my waters which was horrific - I was scrabbling up the bed in an attempt to get away from him and wailing like an animal, it was excruciating. I was then given drip/syntocin, and the contractions started doubling up. I lost it at this point, and was utterly terrified of the pain, and begged for an epidural. Anaeth. wasn't available so I had two shots of pethidine over the next few hours, then eventually had an epidural at about 3pm. Then there was calm while they waited for my cervix to dilate. Every four hours I was inspected, there was a remaining 'ridge' so it seemed to go on an on. At midnight they told me I was dilated and would need to wait for the epidural to wear off ready to push. I was petrified of the pain returning, so know that I was not ready to push at all but said I was in desperation. I was told pretty bluntly that my pushing wasn't good enough, and that I only had an hour to push. I honestly pushed like my life depended on it - my lungs hurt, and I felt like I was going to explode, but it didn't seem to have any effect. Eventually after an hour and fifteen minutes of pushing like my life depended on it they gave me an episiotomy, put my legs in stirrups and used the ventouse to literally yank dd out. She was stuck fast (shoulder dystocia) but with forceful pulling was released. I suffered a pph, and was stitched up. Dd didn't cry to begin with - she was blue - but came around quickly and I bf her. There was no feeling of elation - just shaky terror.

A nurse took me in a wheelchair to have a shower but I couldn't stand up. I just slumped in the corner and she passed soap through the curtain to me, covered in blood.

I was wheeled to the ward at 4am, and dh had to go home. I was put on the bed, and was hungry having not eaten for 32 hours, and still frightened. The word that was going around in my head was 'brutalised' as I lay in terror looking at dd. She fed for another half an hour or so, but I had to ask for a mw to lift her up because I coudln't move.

The next morning I still couldn't move. I was frightened I'd been paralysed by the epidural. A burly mw came and told me that I'd have to get up and walk around or I'd get a DVT. I was crying pathetically that I couldn't. I simply couldn't move. She bullied me out of bed and slumped me in an armchair to change my pad, then pushed me back into bed.

The day continued like this, and the next day I had to 'prove' that I could walk before they would allow me to be transferred back to the mw-led unit. Dh had to take me and dd in the car, and I had to walk from the car park all the way to the maternity unit. After that, I couldn't walk again. The mw's there tried to help me bf, and told me off for getting up to feed in the armchair at night. I couldn't feed lying down, as I couldn't lie on my side. In fact, I couldn't lie in bed at all. On day three a mw listened to me as I explained this, and diagnosed SPD. I was given appropriate pain relief and crutches, and I realised that the pain I had repeatedly told my mw about that had prevented me from sleeping for the last four months had been SPD.

I returned home feeling 'broken'. I couldn't lift dd for weeks, and was unable to walk properly for months. I started seeing a chiropractor 12 months after her birth, and physically felt much better before ttc #2. I also reviewed my notes at a 'talkback' session at the mw-led unit, and read up more on shoulder dystocia, and joined an SPD support group. I thought I was ready, and felt positive about things being different this time.

Now I just feel depressed, and tired. I'm hoping that by joining this thread things might start to pick up, and hope to talk to like-minded people about their own experiences. Sorry for the long out-pouring, its probably way too long, but once I started I just kind of kept going, so thank you for having a look.

im glad you started this thread victorian squalor. i can empathise with many of you.

its nice to be able to share these experiences with someone who knows what its been like. Like damdaffs, it was the aftercare thats left me in the situation of deciding whether or not i shud have another baby. ds is now 21months old. birth was ok - very very painfull - induced at term+5 with 2 lots of inducing gel at the same time - was told the contractions would come faster and more painfull. I teard very badly - 3rd degree and had to have a spinal block and stiched in theater. came home 2 days later. 3rd day after ds was born i got severe pains from back of neck to lower back - paralysing me for a good 10 seconds about 3 times that day, 4th day i was bent double, couldnt straigthen myself out - went to A&E - sent me home with pain killers and diagnosed it as muscle spasm. day after hadn't passed water all day although wanting to go. ended up in hospital again on the maternity ward WITHOUT my baby as was unable to feed him as couldn't move - was able to hear everyone elses baby's cry. i was diagnosed a week and half later with a prolapsed disc in L4 L5 region, it was sitting on the sciatic nerve which ran down my left leg. spent 5 weeks in hosp drugged up without my baby - risk of mrsa etc... and was kicked out of a private room (my baby couidn't visit me on the general ward due to infection risks)

So - do i have another child? i just dont know - i dont know if im mentally ready - i dont know how my backs going to take it and if my tear will tear again or will i have to have a c section - i dont want to be away from my child.

Happynappies - i think you've done the right thing writing on here - its a step forward, im sure there will be lots of pick me ups on here.

Happynappies - you're definitely doing the right thing by posting. You need to get it 'out there' and be listened to.

Reading some of your stories brings back yet more memories, I must admit. I had mixed feelings about my aftercare. Largely, the postnatal ward staff were lovely, apart from a couple that were downright rude. young girls,I might add. Once I was finally home, one of the mw was utterly cold..I was in agony at my episiotomy site, and all she could do was be unsympathetic and vague. Only when I told her that swabs were taken before I left hospital did she call up for the results, and surprisingly enough I had an infection in my stitches. Her bedside manner was non-existent as she told me that 'your wound will probably re-open so it can heal properly' - I was terrified yet again.

At least next time I can take comfort in 'this too shall pass' It just seems like forever at the time.

It's very comforting to realise that others are struggling to deal with similar and worse. I've kind of buried it so far.

oimum "And is it me or do about 90% of mothers have some horror story which revolves around lack of care/support/professionalism from hospital staff? Saying that- NHS aftercare isn't exactly top notch either."

I don't think it is you. Someone on another thread said something that rang true for me.

If at all possible, don't go into labour at night, on the weekend or on a bank holiday.

For me that was true.

Happynappies your story sounds horrible!

With better care and you'll be better prepeared this time hopefully you will get through this. Hopefully this thread will keep going and you can come on here and talk whenever you need to and let us know how LO is progressing.

Smelnel I just don't know how you coped being in hospital away from your baby for so long.

Mamadiva thanks for your kind words - I certainly will come back on here to talk.

It strikes me that some of us are left traumatised by the attitude/manner/behaviour of the medical staff, who I'm sure in their own way are trying to do their job. Indeed when I spoke to the mw at the 'talkback' session she seemed very pleased with the way my birth had gone because it hadn't ended in CS, and I had a healthy baby girl at the end of it. I noticed in hospital that there were so many kind, caring, helpful mw's, but so many other abrupt/cold mw's - sort of like 'good cop, bad cop' - which makes a very stressful time even more confusing. You kind of open up to one of them, feel comforted and reassured, then it brings you up short when the next one comes to you and criticises you sharply and you're back at square one...

Hi all.

My birth story is not quite as traumatic as most of yours (although I thought it was till I read this post) I went into hospital with contractions and got all the way to 10cm (in 10 hours) and then my BP shot through the roof and with every push it was going up, they put me on magnisium to try and lower it which briefly made me lose my sight and i became very scared, the room filled up and I was taken down to theatre for an emergency CS. DD weighed 9lb 1 and was fine.

The next day the cons came to see me and said that he didn't think i realised how sick i had been and asked if i wanted to talk about what happened, I said no as I was too tired and ill to care.

I am now 13 weeks pregnant and wondered if anyone knows if you are allowed to get your notes from the labour. I am worried now that if i dont know what happened/went wrong last time then i won't be in control to stop it happening again this time round.

happynappies Another terrible story about the brutality (great word) of some of the medical staff in this profession. I sometimes wonder if they know what they are doing or if they just want the baby out. Do you have any preferences about type of birth this time round?

kiskidee I am pleased you sound quite upbeat about labour this time around, amazing how much more positive a little information and a ton of determination can make us feel isn't it? The CS with DS2 was the last thing I wanted, but I coped and have no bad memories of it at all.
smelnel why the induction? Purely due to dates?

In relation to aftercare, the bitch nurse/midwife(?) on HDU after DS1's CS was trying to give him a bottle when they finally put me with him, I had explicitly said Breastfed only as I was determined if I couldn't have the birth I wanted then I would not let them take BFing away from me too. I had to practically shout at her before she agreed not to feed him, as if she had the right!

Jelliebaby yes, you can, you need to speak to the records department of your hospital, mine told me I would have to pay £50 for them though! And they refused to send them to the hospital I had DS2 in My cons had to basically go in blind as my first CS was a classic cut (down rather than across) on my abdomen (as they were doing the exploratory op and then decided to do the CS) and no-one knew how my uterus had been cut.

VS yes - induced because overdue - i went in with what i thought were contractions - they wernt - jst pains they said but wouldnt let me go home. i cried every night in hospital.

they go on about how important it is for skin to skin and breastfeeding i felt so guilty for 'letting down' my ds. made it worse to be stuck on a maternity ward watching new mums breastfeed their newborns. i even felt guilty for eating / watching tv. everyone kept telling me that my ds doesnt know any better - he will be fine being with grandma and being bottle fed. - i sure to hell didnt feel ok with any of it. i still feel as if ive missed out on so much and am scared if i have to have a c section next time (if there ever is a next time) due to to 3rd degree tear and slipped disc and have to miss out on all that 'bonding' all over again.

Happienappies did the chiropractor really help? didnt help my back but an osteopath helped a lot more. Pilates does the trick now.

smenel did you read DS2's birthing story? I linked it in one of my first posts on this thread.

A cs can be a nice experience, He is laying on my lap now I have only been parted with him for longer than about an hour twice in four months, once to go out on the lash and once to go see a car we wanted to buy. CS's don't have to be the end, though I can understand your apprehension.

One thing we all need to remember is that they can't stop us or make us do anything we don't want. It's our baby, our body and our pregnancy, they just do well to make us believe otherwise.

I meant to add, you didn't let him down, you and he were let down by the people supposedly there to look after you.

Just like most of us of this thread.

VS im in tears reading your reply!! time of month i think. i just feel like i wasnt there for him as a mother - although i know i didnt do it through any fault of my own. yes - i read your cs story.

i think im ready for another baby - thats why ive brought myself to talk about this - just have to convince my dh its what i really want.

My 'therapy' for this birth included: a meeting with the Supervisor of Midwives and the Infant feeding Coordinator (a post which didn't exist 3 yrs ago afaik) about to the postnatal care we received.

I saw my post natal ward notes which were not copied to me when I requested my notes. It makes very scary reading, even now i still well up just thinking about it. It was mostly this care that has spurred me to do my peer support and now breadtfeeding counsellor training. Reading them with the knowledge I have now, I feel sorry for what the woman and baby we were were made to endure due to piss poor bf knowledge on the HDU unit and then PN ward.

I have also had a meeting with an anaesthecist about any possible future pain relief should I happen to develop a medical condition which requires admission like the last time. He turned out to be my angel in disguise. I almost didn't go for the appt because I was running late and expected a 10 min short shrift 'talk'. This man spent at least 40 mins talking to me and lots of things came out that were only peripheral to why I was there. When I left his office, I felt like the wind had been knocked completely out of my sails despite recounting my experiences before in several instances to people who can understand on a professional level where I was coming from. It has been a couple of weeks and I mean i will send him a thank you card for his kindness that day.

I have poured out my last experience to the team manager of the CMW (not by choice) and she was honestly surprised at how bad a time I had as she saw me briefly in the HDU after dd's birth. She also unwittingly put some pieces of the puzzle into prespective for me with regard to the mismanagement of my labour and made me sure that some of this was not just in my [sceptical] mind.

Reading Ina May Gaskin's book has been a godsend. It is by co-incidence that I feel I 'know' her already. I also know 2 other founding members of The Farm which by extension has galvanised my trust in what she has said.

My consultant has been pretty useless in supporting my birth choices tbh. I have written 2 pointed letters to people in my Trust in order to get my choices recognised and taken seriously. Not the way to win my trust in the NHS this time round in case I end up on a ward again.

I have also found a wonderful birth supporter who will be by my side if I have my HWB or have to be in hosp again.

I have also read a lot on the AIMS and HomebirthUK websites and follow certain threads on the midwifery and home birth Yahoo groups. I have not been there so much but one acquaintance who is due the same time as I and also had a bad first experience has found the NICE website informative and anger producing due to how her labour and delivery were managed and also providing her with info on her next birth.

So this is how I have arrived to what feels like a position of control and power for the upcoming birth.

Here is hoping some of you coming down this road can find some answers to your queries along the way I have found.

I know what you mean, pain often manifests itself as guilt, I feel guilty for complaining so much, thinking maybe if I hadn't then DD would have been in the womb longer and been able to feed rather than spend a month in SCBU, I feel guilty that she has dyspraxia, incase it was because of her stopping breathing (paed said it can be caused by lack of oxygen), I feel guilty that I buried my head in the sand and didn't bond with her the way I have my other two, I feel guilty that I spent most of the time she was in SCBU off my face cos I couldn't deal with it!
But slowly, day-by-day, the more I learn the more that guilt turns to anger and resolution to do something to change peoples experiences, at the moment the bfing is a big thing for me and I'm concentrating on helping people there, but one day I'll do more, and I will change things.

I had spd, then traumatic birth exp. Bitch midwife, and bad tearing, cuts, etc.

I was totally in shock, for months, years.

I felt so sstupid, that I didn't have the knowledge about what might happen.

I think its ludicrous that women prob up till the past 5 yrs have been going into the birth without the full facts.

I htink that the shock and mutilation, and everything i had, made me feel like i had been abused.

My dd is 6 and back then there was no support ofr the SPD, i felt like a freak, and i felt very alone. Nothing more upseting than to be in severe pain and gps, midwives, not have clue what you are talking about.

my husband left me too, 3 yrs after, when i was just starting to feel nomral again.

Hi. I'd like to join this thread, if I may.

Piratecat wrote 'that women prob up till the past 5 yrs have been going into the birth without the full facts'. Does anyone else feel that NHS antenatal classes (at least) don't really give you the full facts? We were told about a straightforward delivery. Some mention was made of tearing/ forceps etc. However, my experience of nearly two weeks on hospital with my DD has made me feel like this is cloud cukcoo land. While I do feel traumatised about my delivery, I feel almost as traumatised by the amount of 'problem' deliveries I saw, heard and heard of after the fact while on the ward. I think this falls under VS's description of the trauma not being to do with what happened so much as the experience of it.

I had hyperemesis all the way through my pregnancy and the pay-off was supposed to be an easy birth and a healthy baby (which I did ultimately have, thank God).

I won't go into much detail but my birth story is that I went into hospital one Sunday as I didn't feel the baby moving as usual. I had been told the baby was BIG, cephalic and engaged. In fact the (lovely) midwife at the hosptial told me the baby was small, transverse and I had too much fluid. This made going into labour very risky (risk of prolapse and placenta abrupta etc) and a hospital stay and an elective c-section were planned. I was shocked at the c-section idea. I thought I had been open-minded but I had never considered not going into labour at all (one reason whyI think the ante-natal classes were insufficient).

However, before the planned c-section came I had to have an emergency one due to fetal distress. That in itself was very scary, particularly because the hyperemesis made the anaesthetic very risky for me. I must say I was very well-treated by the hospital staff.

I was so grateful that everything was ok that I don't think I even felt shocked until I came home. Then I felt awful, and though the feelings of fear have got better they have not gone away. I would like to try and work through them before then next DC (hopefully).

While the em-c-sec was frightening, I have come out of my delivery experience feeling more scared of vaginal birth. Terrified in fact. I feel so scared that I unknowingly had a condition that could have meant curtains for both of us if I had gone into labour at home and followed the instrucitons of the ante-natal class about contacting the ward. I felt there were so many unanswered questions that I felt very insecure (a gynaecologist has since answered some of them so ~I feel a bit better). But I also feel so scared by the number of traumatic births I encountered during my hospital stay. The ward was unusually busy and it seemed like NO birth went the way the told us at ante-natal classes. Several times labouring women were next to me because the mws had no space on the labour ward and I was horrified in particular by the suffering of one woman. She was beside herself. I'm sorry if this sounds pathetic to those of you have been through painful labour, but I really found it shocking.

I came out of my delivery experience feeling like birth was not only difficult and painful but downright dangerous and insecure. I also feel that this is the correct attitude and that my former relaxed attitude was nothing more than naivety.

I am seriously considering an elective c-section next time where I would never have considered it the forst time round. I just feel that I don't want a terrifying experience next time and, however misguided I might be, an elective seems the safest route. I know this is not rational but it is what I have been left with after my experience.

Sorry that I haven't yet really responded to anyone else, but I will now I have introduced myself.

Just marking a place on this thread, great idea VS.

I had a nightmare labour last time and am nearly term with my second child and hopeing against hope of a better outcome this time around.

My story is not bad compared to many on this thread but I do honestly believe it is how things are done which causes me to feel bad, i.e. The difference between taking the time to explain and ask for permission to do something or just entering the rooma nd forcing treatment upon you with no explantation of what or why.

I am trying to stay positive and calm for my upcoming labour, wish me luck.

Hi LaTrucha i think you are right. Out of 10 women i knew preg same kind of time as me, only 1 had the kind of straightforward, happy, home the same evening birth thats hinted at in that flippin NHS handbook you get given. And 8 of them had emergency C sections. Also yes ante-natal classes were crap but i was in inner city, maybe this varies depending on where you are and how hard they try.

I think the whole 'giving birth is a natural life event' thing can be true for some, BUT this is misleading for those of us who have more complicated/unsatisfactory births. It can also make people feel like failures for needing intervention/drugs and getting PND.

Good luck Babies are everywhere.

damdafs - it's that 8 out of ten kind of figure (and your experience is mirrored in mine both in hospital and with friends) that makes me think why don't I just book a c-section and then I won't have to go through everything that happens before an emergency c-section! So many people I know had a horrible first part of labour then an em-c-sec. That's a flippant way of putting it, but it's not far from the truth.

hmm, after a vaginal birth that left me walking like john wayne for several months i'd be tempted to ask for a c section but i thought they weren't 'on request' as they cost the hospital more??

Not that i'm saying those of you who had c sections had it easy, just thought of avoiding yet more trauma down below .