BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

[VictorianSqualor]

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

Hmm, i did have a big shudder when i saw a photo of 'my' maternity hospital the other day. I think my labour wasnt so traumatic as most of you ladies - i had a ventouse as dd was in distress which worked, otherwise it would have been an ecs. But i felt like the bad 12 hours (induced so contractions were full on right away) was a nightmare that i couldnt wake up from, starring me and The Pain. my mum and DH were pretty much by the bedside the whole time they say, but they always seemed really far away. I wasnt scared, too numb for that but i felt utterly powerless, exhausted and beaten up by the pain and if they'd said to me ' we need to cut one of your legs off to get baby out ' i wouldve just limply said 'oh - OK'. Nothing seemed to help with the pain, near the end i got an epidural which was a godsend tho they didnt want to give it to me.

I didnt really bond with dd for a few months as i couldn't stop replaying the birth over and over in my mind. I came out of it a different person, feel like part of me was lost in there so i could just get thru it.

I wouldnt bother with a birth plan myself next time, had a cynical smirk at it afterwards, home birth, only gas n air, no episiotomy, breastfeeding...i thought how naive i was!

DD is nearly 2 and time has helped, insomuch as i can consider having another. Also found kate figes 'life after birth' very helpful, about birth and being a mum. And mumsnet of course

sorry, me again...

just wondered if anyone else had to endure ENDLESS internal examinations during contractions? Just when i thought things couldnt get any more painful...i ended up feeling like the bran tub at the village fete . I had a lip of cervix that was blocking things,seems to be quite common. At the end i just refused to have any more.

Thats the other thing; ordinarily your 'bits' are your private property, but after a birth everyone's been down there. You dont even really know who they are-well, medics hopefully...i felt totally alienated from that end of my body, like it wasnt mine any more, plus it was kind of rearranged ...

damdafs - I felt very alienated from my body after the c-section. IT was a very strange feeling which I am getting over now. I'm very worried about feeling liket hat about my bits when I have another baby.

I realyed the birth constantly too.

Haylstoens - I get a cold chill when I remember the moment, after being looked at by umming doctors for two hours, when, finally left alone DH made me a cup of tea only for a (very lovely) midwife to come in and almost shout 'put that down!'. That's when I knew it was really getting serious.

I know VBAC is an issue about which many women have very strong feelings, but is anyone else tempted to ask for a second c-section after an emergency? Please don't jump on me, because I'm aware of the arguments and I know this feeling os born out of fear.

I was offered an elective CS after a traumatic vaginal birth, so I don't see any problems in you being able to get one after all you've been through.

Thought I'd come and join you.

I'll briefly tell you my story because it's rather long.

My first little girl was born alive at 20 weeks and died in my arms aged 3 hours. I had previously been told by A&E that it was a UTI so I hadn't gone to hospital until I collapsed at the theatre and they called an ambulance.

I got pregnant three months later, found out at 5 weeks I am autoimmune for which I was treated through my pregnancy. Having lost two pregnancies before I was rather cut off from my pregnancy, I didn't believe I would have a baby at the end of it. I spent a lot of time in hospital both in and out patient.

At 31 weeks I went into labour. I had a scan in the morning and told them I had been getting these pains. They called a doctor and she didn't think it was serious but told me to come back later if it got worse. I went back later in the afternoon, they put me on a monitor and I was contracting. They confirmed the scan I had that morning that baby was breech. I was started on a drip to stop the contractions and steroid injections. They told me because my waters hadn't broken last time (indicator of rapid progression) they would give me an hour to respond. I didn't respond, in the hour I had gone from 2cm to fully dilated. In seconds the room was swarmed with people, I had consent forms read to me, my nails cleaned, a line put, clothes changed, jewellery removed, put under a GA and baby out within 15 minutes! As I went in my partner heard the doctor say that the foot had descended.

After not believing I was pregnant then going very quickly from them trying to stop the contractions to being asleep, not being awake when she was born and not being able to see her until she was five hours old I couldn't connect with her being mine. With Lily-Hope I had been able to right away, I had that rush of love that comes from the build up of hormones, I knew with every part of me she was mine. With Tink I felt like I had lost another baby and started grieving. She's the sort of kid you can't help but love and I've built up love and a bond, but I still have problems looking at her and seeing my baby

I later found out, no one ever told me though, that they hadn't made the cut big enough and had to extend it upwards. Having an inverted T shaped incision is the same as a classical incision, they won't consider a VBAC. The section was hard on my body and the GA made me ill. I will go into prem labour again, I take Heparin, I still have back problems, I will have to have a GA again if I have to have a section.

OK, I said I'd keep it short so I'll stop there.

TinkerBellesMum- that is a truly horrific thing to go through and I can completely understand the feelings you are having now you have your second baby. I just do not know how I would ever deal with that and cannot tell you how much I admire you for picking up and getting to this point. Very brave lady.

A couple of things have made me think after reading back over this- LaTrucha mentioned being she was worried about asking for another section. I can tell you, I was desperate to have a VBAC but ended up with an EMCS and, although it was the most awful feeling I have ever experience, I would DEFINITELY have a section next time as I would just be a wreck all the way through a natural labour now. I recovered physically well from the section but just couldn't cope with how wrong things can go a second time around! I am with you on that one, without a doubt.

It is funny how all this affects you going forward with your baby. I adored my son upon sight and still well up a bit when I look at him now but I was OVER protective and someone else mentioned they had an obsession with BF their LO after a difficult birth. I was exactly the same- the mere suggestion of trying formula when he was feeding for 2 hours at a time, sleeping for an hour and going again made my blood boil!

Anyway- it's the weekend! What am I doing on MN?! I am getting lobbed with fishcake now- laters!

Tinkerbellsmum - I didn't reply earlier to your post because it really moved me and I didn't have time. You are extremely brave and Tink should be glad her fairylight comes from you! My best friend just has an em-c-sec under general anaesthetic and she feels exactly the same as you about bonding with her LO. She feels she could have been handed any baby. It's a good job he looks so much like his father!

It must be tough knowing the problems you will face next time. Can I Ask why you have to have a GA? I find the urge for more is so strong though. I was ill all the way through my pregnancy and I can't believe I would risk all that again but I would!

Oimum-
I was exactly the same about bf. I was damn determined to do it. I had a HV who was awful to us when dd didn't gain weight properly. She did everything she could to undermine bf but I battled her like hell. I still feel funny about weaning, which I'll need to do soon as we want to conceive again. In some ways, it's one thing I have to thank the em-c-sec for. I wanted something to be natural and beautiful!

Thanks for supportive comments about elective c-sec. I'm not sure yet waht I'll do but I'm certainly inclined towards it.

They've not said that I will need a GA, but I've looked at it objectively all along, since I knew there was no chance of a VBAC.

They do not believe I can carry to term - having had idiopathic (no reason for it) premature labours (no PreE, HELPP, twins etc) both times before my body doesn't know how long pregnancy lasts.

I have to take Heparin, which is a blood thinner, on a daily basis. Because it thins the blood it makes any bleed a little more severe than normal (not gushing from a scratch, but it will be more blood and longer to stop) and anaesthetists won't risk epidurals with someone who has taken Heparin within 12 hours because even a small bleed into the epidural space can cause problems - brain damage to paralysis. Because I will go into premature labour and have rapid progressions I will most likely have taken my Heparin within the last 12 hours.

I have to say I relate to the BFing and being handed any baby feelings. Tink is the double of her half brothers, dad and oddly my brothers kids and my mum!

My mum upset me today, I didn't realise how important an issue it was for me. I was talking to Tink's godmother who is a bit AP and saying this time, other than in the unit obviously, that I am planning on no formula at all for the baby and I don't plan on being bullied* into it again so I'm going to the breastfeeding group from the start to take some of the power from the HV. Mum said "you saw how much milk you were making [IE on the pump in the unit] and she was crying all the time". I felt like she had just told me I was inadequate and when she left the room I cried.

*At around 2 months old Tink stopped gaining weight, she was 6lb 2oz for 4 weekly weigh-ins. My HV was stressing about it and in the end I got so upset that I called the NN-MW's who I hadn't seen for a few weeks since they had discharged us. They got me into see my paediatrician and he said she was fine (looked at her in herself rather than her weight) and he sent me to see the group (a HV and MW with extra training in BFing and known as "the breastfeeding gurus of Birmingham"). I sat talking to one telling her what had been happening, with milk pouring down my top (I didn't notice but she pointed it out and said I obviously didn't have supply issues) and Tink sitting on my knee, looking around the room, "taking part" in the conversation (much to the amusement of the lady I was talking to who struggled to talk to me for loling). She got me onto what I call the body building diet ONLY because she said that I needed HV off my case or it would cause me too much stress. She said that there wasn't a problem at all.

I hadn't heard of birth trauma until a university researcher came on a FB group I'm on and asked if we could take part in a questionnaire. It was about birth trauma, just answering the questions I was in tears because it was describing my life! There was details at the end about it and it felt great to know there was a name for how I was feeling. It's all mixed up really with PNI and BPD too.

Tinkerbellesmum- just a quick message here to say although it hurt you and you probably already know this, but your mum probably meant no harm whatsoever and is more than likely just thinking that breast feeding will put more pressure on you whilst you are already quite delicate. Mums (I mean OUR mums, not us of course!!) always have a way of stepping right in it- it's an art form.

I ate Mars Bars like they were going out of fashion as the boy was tiny at birth & I wanted him to gain quickly. Previously I'd been desperate to get back into my old jeans but once I saw how it helped him out I couldn't have cared less. He was on the lowest centile at birth & was up to the 'average' line in around 5 weeks. Get a cream cake down you & you'll be fine.

The wee one sounds like she's thriving and you sound like a totally in love, doting mum. Don't beat yourself up about anything- jsut keep on as you are & all will be well.

TBM, I'm so sorry to hear what you had to go through. Hope this has helped, it has certainly made me think about things a bit more, which can only be a good thing.

We aren't plannign any more children but part of me would like to have one last shot at having a straightforward pregnancy and delivery. It seems a really stupid reason to want to do it again but I kind of feel like I have something to prove and could have a quick, natural delivery. Of course, chances are I'd have to have another cs and that would probably make me feel even worse! Obviously, that's not the only reason I'd consider another baby but it's something I think about. Dh is pretty adamant that we won't have any more, although there is a part of me that would love to have 3 children- not sure we could cope though!

what amazing stories.

will be bearing all this in mind when I go and talk to the midwife tomorrow

She's two now, so it's quite a long time ago, but I didn't realise how much it was still there. At the time I was just upset about being bullied into it, especially when everyone else said she was doing fine. I guess that was the first time anyone ever said anything that meant I was inadequate. I felt I failed giving her formula because I felt I had let her down by going there, but not because I let her down, if that makes sense?

I lived on Mars Bars and Coke during that time, too! When she was on the unit my ward got a bit funny because they had 7 Unit mums. They used to refuse to save food if I wasn't there and her All Care clashed with my meals so I decided she was more important. When I had a family member pushing me to the unit rather than a porter we would go past the WRVS so I would get them to stop. When I got home they were perfect to deal with the long feeds and the NN-MW said it was the best thing as it kept my calories and fluid up in the day and I ate properly at night when TBD could cook.

Haylstones, I always said I wanted two and now we've decided not to put me through any more pregnancies it seems a little sad to say never again. I think if we hadn't decided the fact that I still could if we wanted would have been ok. TBD is talking of taking permanent measures.

I'm really sorry I haven't read the whole thread yet but can I be part of this thread?

DD's birth was nearly 7 months ago and if i'm honest I still don't feel connected to DD (never admitted that to anyone)

It was a horrid birth (should have been home water birth and ended in emergency C-section) and an even worse stay in hospital.

I know i'm not over it yet and maybe I need to get over it to bond with DD but I'm not ready to do that yet.

I'm petrified of another birth but I desperatly want another child. I'm so scared I seriuosly looked into surogacy but I loved pregnancy so much I know i'd miss that part.

Anyhow.... thanks for listening and any help I can be let me know.

Welcome, Tink and LS.

Tink, I had the same worries about VBAC when they thought I had a classic cut, but they decided the cut was probably only on my stomach and a normal cut on my uterus which they found was correct at my ELCS, It makes me wonder why my hospital was so crap at sending my notes, this hospital never had any notes on my previous two sections, surely that's fucked up?

LS. I'm sorry your birth didn't go the way you planned, do you want to tell us more??

Haylstones, Don't be sad that you didn't argue more about the pushing, These people are mean tot be trained to take care of us, of course we don't want to argue!

RE: wanting to experience a natural birth, I've already decided to ttc no.4 at the end of the year, I can't not do it, I don't even want to consider what I'll feel like if I have yet another CS. I just hope that my placenta behaves this time around, I know I'll be straight onto consultant care with scans of the placental blood flow, if the test at 26 weeks is ok then it's cool, but if not then I'll be on fortnightly scans again. But unless IUGR or Pre-Eclampsia actually kicks in instead of just being high risk then I'm waiting for labour, though I do wonder sometimes if I'm actually meant to do labour? I waited to 41 weeks this time!!
Said to DP I'm tempted to lie about LMP dates so I have some leeway with due dates as every other time my LMP has been spot on with my scan dates so they weren't willing to allow em go over 39 weeks, which I pushed to 40 and eventually 41 weeks, if I'd had lmp on my side I'd have gone to at least 42.

Hey VS....

I was meant to have a home water birth. The whole labour was absolutely brilliant. I only had G&A (which I used cos the MW's told me to but I didn't really feel the need to)
Then when I was fully dialated they asked me to push and I was pushing for nearly an hour and 1/2 then they realised that the heartrate was dropping after each contraction and her head was in the wrong position - presenting with the wrong part. So we were bluelighted to hospital. While waiting for the ambulance they lost her HB for nearly 10 minutes which convinced me then that she'd died.
They found it in the ambulance (they think the trip across the road on the stretcher moved her)
Had to lie on my back in ambulance which was pure agony!!
Got to hospital and more lying on my back - more pain.
About 20 people (prob not quite that many but alot) in the room - stripping me off, sticking in cathetars, needles, shaving, asking me to sign something for the aneasthetic. Refusing to give any pain relief cos it would effect her HB and not letting me sit up so I was literally screaming in pain.

In the end they put in an epidural which meant I could calm down cos no more pain. But they had fitted a heartmonitor to her head and I had to listen to the HB drop to about 17 at one point.
They did an emergency C-section and I was told I wasn't allowed to hold her in case I dropped her so DP held her while they stitched me up.

I then had to stay on the ward for 3 days. The first of which I was bedridden in the gown they'd done the CS in. Covered in blood from where they'd tried to get the needles in my hands. A tiny pad to stop bloodflow from "down there" so the bed got pretty covered within about 3 hours. No wash so still the antiseptic orange stuff on my belly. Sweating buckets because the heating was on like 50+.
DD was left out of reach and when I buzzed no one came for about 1/2 hr so I had to listen to her scream.

BF got off badly as she wouldn't accept my right nipple and no help to persuade her to, So she was BF'd with just the right side.

All in all a horrible experience and one that still gives me nightmares that she died.
I have no bond with my child other than making sure she's presented well and looked after but I don't feel love for her yet.
When she cries it annoys me - I don't feel worried that she's upset just annoyed.

Anyways.... sorry for the long post.

VS, they did a normal section (can't remember the proper name now) but they hadn't allowed enough space to get her out. Because they don't cut, they push the opening open with their finger, if they had extended the same way they would have risked tearing my uterus in two so they had to go upwards, so I have an inverted T shape scar.

They made Mum go to 44 weeks with my sister! They told her the dates must have been wrong, but she had an early scan because she had previa from the start so wouldn't have been pregnant on the first scan. My sister was born with a conical head, long hair and long nails. She was only 8lb something too!

Sadly I'm not destined to give birth to our babies, another crappy labour when the baby is ripped out But on a good point we now have a beauiful 10lb 1oz son. Here

He's delicious. babiesareeverywhere! Sorry it sounds like you had another c-section.

Hi Lucky! Glad you joined this thread.

Tinker - That doesn't sound like a normal C-section. That sounds kinda wierd.

LaTrucha - I'm glad i've found it too. I'm hoping this will prepare me for baby number 2.

Sorry - BabiesEverywhere. He's gorgeous. Sorry the birth wasn't what you wanted.

BabiesEverywhere - he's a stunner.
Reminds me of my own ds at that age.
Saw midwife today and explained fears of birth.
She was sympathetic, which was good. I am seeing the doctor next week to talk about my options for no 2.
It was good to be taken seriously, which is all you can ask for really.

It started normal, but they hadn't allowed enough room so had to change direction.

Hi I'm new to MN, just wanted to join in as I can relate to the many of the experiences here.

I had a emergency CS after 50 hours of labour with DS1. My mw was a total natural birth advocate, so no pain relief until after 2 hours of pushing and she left the room and I finally felt free to start screaming "it's an emergency!" I had no urge to push, and totally exhausted myself giving it everything for those 2 hours. My eyes were sore for a week from all the pressure.

DS2 was also emergency CS, but after 'only' 12 hours, so that was much better...

Anyway, I want to tell LuckySalem that I also struggled to love my babies, but it did happen. With DS2 I am ashamed to say it took about 18 months. He's two and a half now, and I adore him.

hello joyofpie.

Let's keep this thread alive now VS has had the good sense to start it?

Has anyone called on the services of the birth trauma website here?

That website was linked from the study I took, it was the first time I realised what was going on with me.