BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

[VictorianSqualor]

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

I've realised since yesterday, slow dawning type, when we were talking about post natal illness at my NCT antenatal class that Birth Trauma is still a big part of my life. I was diagnosed with PND but I don't think I have it or ever did and talking about the differences yesterday made me realise how much it's still there.

I've been finding things hard with this pregnancy and I think the reason is that obviously the BT is still there and secondly because I don't see that there won't be a repeat of my last birth experience. The hospital were fantastic last time, I couldn't fault them for anything they did, it really wasn't there fault. It was the complete loss of control of the circumstances, the GA, Crash Section, having the maternal bond ripped away from me...

This time they're insisting that I have a CS because of the damage done getting Tink out and I can't see that there's anyway it won't be a Crash because I've been getting contractions for nearly 6 weeks with three false starts (1 stopped with drugs, 2 stopped on their own) and it goes with my history. I'm also a fast progresser so they will have to move fast when it happens.

I won't be able to have an epidural because it will happen too fast and because of my back, I've been told by physio that it was a good job they didn't do one before - not knowing what was going on was what stopped them before.

I just sat outside the hospital waiting for my bus and realised that the thing that's made me like I am is about to happen again and no one seems to care, I'm already starting to feel traumatised from what's already happening to me. I feel like it's already spinning out of control. I feel angry with the hospital because they make me feel like I'm wasting time going in (what else do you do when you're getting strong contractions every 2 minutes for 2 hours?) and that makes me feel even more angry that they must think I enjoy what you're subjected to when you're in preterm labour - I've lost count of how many people have stuck their fingers into me! I don't enjoy it, I'm not doing it for fun, I'm doing it because I'm scared.

I was talking to AlexanderPandersMum yesterday and we were comparing our preterm experiences. How we've sat in the waiting room being treated like a first timer who doesn't know the difference between wind and labour!

I'm going in on Friday, I think I may go and speak to PALS.

Sarcastic comments by the MW's, not quite in the same league but it's good. I had a pre-pregnancy clinic appointment booked for the week after I found out I was pregnant (LOL) because it's held at the clinic I'm under they just changed it to an antenatal appointment. My CMW was on holiday so I hadn't seen her. Got to the MW appointment part of my booking in appointment and she demanded to know why I hadn't got my green notes with me. I said "I only found out last week that I'm pregnant..." and she cut me off with a sarcastic "Congratulations"! I was going to finish it with "I've not had chance to see my CMW because she's on holiday".

Tink you need a good old fashion {{hug}}. Is there someone close to you in RL that can help you gauge your contractions so you can gain a sense of control or at least a better awareness of what's going on?

When I've been in they've been very strong, others can see and feel them happening, last week I was at 2minutes apart and they were registering quite high on the CTG. I'm happy that I've only been in when I've needed to and I've had positive fibronectin tests to back me up.

i hope you all the very best.

I know! Stupid horrible midwives, you'd think they would know better!

All I can say to try and make myself feel better and anyone else who has had a shit time - at least we know how bad it can be - I'm hoping I'll speak up for myself much more as I have been so much more outspoken since having DD.

I was on my own last time too but this time have a lovely partner and PG is planned, hiopefully he'll make sure things go my way too

Tink, I'm so very sorry. You are right, you probably never had PND but instead PN PTSD which is a different thing. Feeling in control of this next birth would help and the medical staff should understand that Perhaps you could print something out from the birth trauma association website for them?

Tink- Have you read 'birth trauma' by Sheila Kitzinger?
Its a very, very good book.

I didn't see PALS on Friday as I was there for so long, but I'm going to go in on Monday instead when I have my next scan.

I haven't seen my doctor in ages as I see a nurse instead, so I'm going to ring and make an appointment. Mum wants to come with me and wants TBD to go to because she thinks they need to better understand me and how to help. I also want to challenge the idea that I have long term depression as I think I have BPD. Depression seems to be such a generic term slapped onto anyone so they don't have to do too much work to help the patient.

Because they see me as a mental health patient/ depressed at the hospital I'm scared to talk about my feelings because they put it down to my mental health. My nurse is the first person in the health service to ever say to me "of course you feel like that, you've been through xyz!" I wish more of them could understand that. Seriously you could see a doctor because you stubbed your toe and they would want to know how you feel!

I haven't read that book, tiredemma, but it must be a good book with that writer

sorry- its called 'birth crisis' not birth trauma. My head is in Perinatal PTSD overload.

Just been looking at her website, it does look good. My antenatal teacher gave us a leaflet for a website/ forum that covers all areas of postnatal illness. I'm going to have a look when I get home.

Gillyan how awful for you to have gone through all that. I'm now 16wks along with #2 and I keep telling myself it can't be as bad this time as it was last time. I have changed hospitals though as I really don't want any associated negative flashbacks when the time comes. The midwives there made me feel like I was a burden... just another number and I spent the whole stay there feeling very insecure and vulnerable. IMO there's no need for any of that... esp when we're going through it for the 1st time.

tink i would def take some moral support with you... who knows they might take more notice, it's worth a shot!

have just decided to post on this thread as its only really now that ds1 is 14months old that i can allow myself to remember the details of his birth

the pregnancy was a nightmare with a 9cm ovarian cyst and fallopian tube being removed when i was 9+2 pregnant. had had lots of pain for 3 weeks but GP told me that "pain was normal in early pregnancy" and being my 1st i just accepted it. i collapsed at the MW booking appointment and was taken to hopsital as my ovary and fallopian tube were now necrotic and i was at risk of loosing my boy. once in hospital i cannot fault them - they were fantastic and i was in such as state as they werent able to detect a heartbeat because of the internal post-op bruising so i had to wait 8 days to find out DS1 had survived. the rest of the pregnancy was uneventful but was induced at 41+0 as my scar was stretching. Turns out that my allergies include prostin gel so i ended up with some kind of hyper-contractions that were never-ending and ineffective.

the consultant stopped my labour and i was given an epidural before being transferred to the "surgical" maternity ward for a very medical birth. labour was ok and my fantastic mw stayed with me from 7am til about 2.30pm when things went wrong. DS1s heartbeat kept dropping and when i failed to register the room just filled with people and they said they had to get him out. the long and short of it was that during the birth, they fractured his skull and tore me to pieces. after brainscans at the national childrens hospital, they have decided that it is totally healed now and he is a fantastic little boy. I have nothing but thanks though for the team as we are both still here.

having been told i wouldnt be able to have anymore, i fell pregnant with DS2 when DS1 was 3months old (the only time i have had sex since DS1's birth due to the pain). a fairly uneventful pregnancy apart from a couple of minor bleeds.

my consultant advised a c-section because of the previous events and that it was only 18months since my ovarian cyst. It was really scary going into theatre but DS2 was born a very healthy 9lbs. all well until that point and the surgeon wanted me to have diamorphine before leaving theatre and i have discovered another allergy! My BP dropped into my boots, crash team turned up (i didnt arrest but have been told my BP was so low my heart was just stopping). Didnt even see DS2 and DH didnt know who to do to but took DS2 back to ward whilst they stabilised me. after a couple of hours i was ok enough to return to the ward and see DS2 but i couldnt move, partly due to the spinal and partly because i was totally out of it.

so i have two wonderful sons and two horrible experiences. DH and I would love to have more children in the future but am terrified that we have been lucky the last two births and both myself and the children have come out the other end relatively unscathed.

sorry for the essay but this is the 1st time i have actually written it all down and i just seems a bit surreal seeing my experiences in type

I spoke to PALS yesterday and she's going to put me in touch with the mental health midwife. I said it's frustrating because I want them to take me seriously without my mental health but it's my mental health I want them to take seriously! She thinks this MW should be able to help me. She agrees that things do look like they're going the same way and it's all unavoidable, even if we can't get out of things going the same way to at least have them recognise that this is hard for me and try to respect that. If things go exactly the same way then it's going to really screw me up!

I'm going to talk to the MW about SMACS (Self Medication After CS) because last time I wasn't allowed it (no one even mentioned it to me and I think it's because of my mental health background) which I don't want to happen this time. I'm not a suicide risk or a self harmer, they give me enough medication through my pregnancy that if I wanted to do something I could without being in hospital - sitting here I can see 100 co-dydramol tablets and a box of Heparin syringes!

I tried to get in touch with the doctor yesterday but left it too late so going to try again after lunch time today.

fledtoscotland that is an amazing story. thank you for sharing it. two years of worry and pain...i just can't imagine the strength you must have.

tink, knowing and being able to prepare is a positive. it sounds like there's still a glimmer of hope you will avoid a repeat.

There is if I can get them to accept that last time is still a problem for me. I think it doesn't help either when the doctor who examined me a couple of weeks ago said he remembers delivering Tink and "it was a difficult delivery" WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? I feel like a lot happened in the 45 minutes I was under and no one will tell me what. That gap cut me off from Tink and I can't close it so hearing snippets about it doesn't help. When I was in with her it was the same "oh you were delivering a foot weren't you?" was I? I'm sure someone said something about my waters. I found out they called a hospital director back as he was going to his car because they told my family.

Is there no documentation? Surely something had to be documented. Can you get you hands on the paperwork from that delivery? (forgive me if that's something you've already discussed here.)

I arranged to have a chat with them about it when Tink was 7 months old, but it didn't help, I wasn't given my notes to read and she just told me what happens with a CS. Hopefully this appointment with the MW might help.

I've never heard of that...them not allowing you to read YOUR notes. Yes, I do hope your MW meeting goes better. Wishing you all the best in the world.

Thanks

I was hoping that they would let me look for myself. I had spoken to PALS (they know me well there lol) and asked for help to bridge the gap, just hoping to make Tink a little more mine. She arranged for me to see the manager of labour ward. I got the impression she thought I was digging, she was quite defensive and didn't really speak about my delivery. She told me what would happen in a section, explained the cut I have and said it was because they'd not been able to get at her head or get it out (I'm confused on that point) she said that the time I was under was good, it wasn't too long so things had gone well, but she didn't explain any of the random things I've heard. I don't hold anyone "responsible" I just have a gap of 45 minutes where my daughter was born and my brain can't make that compute! Dad can be the other side of the world and the baby will be born, how can I her mother not be there?

Tink, under the freedom of information act, you have the right to request a copy of your notes (and any other documents relating to you for that matter). The only thing is you have to make your demand in writting.

Hi everyone. I am now 16 weeks pregnant and frankly not freaking out as badly as I thought, although I did turn on the taps at every monthly doctor's visit at each mention of the words midwife, labor, birth room, birth, etc.

I trust my new obstetrician, and he says he will be there at my birth, which will be a nice change from a doctor who came in twice in 8 hours, to say "Oh, good" and "You should push now"

We have also come to an agreement: I will try my best to limit weight gain (doing good so far at +2 kgs in 3.5 months) but if baby is still going to be even near 4kgs, he will give me a cesarean section without argument.

I also ordered from Amazon "Ina May's Guide to Childbirth" but haven't dared open it yet.

Oh and my tri-test came back with 1/250 for Down's Syndrome, which I am trying not to think about. Amnio for next week. Oh happy days

Hi CoteD'Azur (I'm also on the FOOC thread although I've been too busy lately) - will be thinking of you!!
I haven't posted my own story on here yet because I haven't had it in me to write it all down in one go... but have posted on other threads about amnios, false positive triple screens, forceps deliveries... ok, that's enough for now...
but good luck!!!!

I think I am only just realising that I may be suffering from birth trauma 4 months after my son was born.

My pregnancy was not too bad and I was 2 weeks overdue and scheduled to be induced when, the night before, my waters broke.

When my waters broke there was blood in them so the hospital told me to come in straight away. When I arrived at the hospital early hours in the morning I was told to sit in the waiting room and I was still there 2 hours later in pain and worried.

after examination I was told I would be induced that day. After they used the gel, twice eight hours apart, I had contractions but the midwife informed me that I was not dilating at all.....one midwife commented it was quite a big baby.

That night I was placed on the drip and the contractions began coming stronger and more frequent. After 27 hours of labour I was told I was fully dilated and began to push. The baby would not move down the birth canal and even I thought there must be a reason for this. A consultant then said they should prepare for a c-section.

After a further few hours of trying to push another consultant said he wanted to take me down to the operating theatre to try with forceps and if no joy then we will be in the right place for a c-section. I agreed but with hindsight I wish I just said I wanted a c-section....but would they have listened anyway?

in the operating theatre I could tell something had gone wrong. I hadn't heard of shoulder dystocia at the time but the baby's head was out for near 6 mins before they managed to get the rest of him out.

They put my legs up (McRoberts) and another doctor applied pressure to my stomach...this didn't work and they finally managed to get him out with the woodscrew maneouvre.

My son was briefly placed on me and then taken to the corner of the room where he was assisted with his breathing.

At the time all I could think was that I was so grateful to the doctors that my baby was alive.

He was taken straight to SCBU and I was taken to a recovery room where I didn't see my partner or my baby for about 5 hours after he was born.

My son had slight erbs palsy and was extremely bruised and cut....by the look of the marks on his face it appeared that he had been dragged down the birth canal.

A few days later and ACE meeting was held and I asked for a copy of the minutes and was told I could not have these.

I have now requested my hospital records and minutes of that meeting.

I really enjoyed being pregnant but the experience I had giving birth has put me off having any more. I always planned to have 2 or 3 but at the moment I can't begin to imagine going through it again.

Shortly after I gave birth and I was still drugged up the consultant described to me what had just happened and am not sure whether this was my de-briefing as no one else has mentioned anything, I've just been left to get on with it.

The only positive I can take away from this is that I have a beautiful baby boy.

I am due to go back to work shortly and I am very anxious about this as I don't want to leave him. I am not sure if this is because of the traumtic birth or not.

It has taken me four months to begin asking myself questions as to why I was left 37 hours and why I was not given a c section when the first consultant said it was going to be necessary.

Once I have read my medical notes, hopefully it will make more sense!!

Oh hailey - I'm so sorry you had to go through that. The "why???" questions are the hardest because the answers are often so inadequate.
I'm so glad your baby is ok.
About going to work and being scared to leave him - very common with birth trauma. I felt the same, like he was only safe if he was with me.
Let us know what happens when you get your notes!