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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

BIRTH TRAUMA SUPPORT THREAD.

421 replies

VictorianSqualor · 07/08/2008 10:29

As has come up on a number of threads, many of us seem to have suffered from birth trauma.

It's all well and good knowing facts and figures, which of course, can ease our fears slightly, but with every birth having a chance of going severely wrong, adding that to birth trauma issues is going to convince us that we could be in whatever small percentage of people do suffer from our fears.

This thread is to help us come to terms with what happened during our previous births that left us with these emotional scars and to support each other through the journeys that we will go through in both our minds and possible future/current pregnancies.

There have been previous threads on which people have oupoured their experiences but acknowledgement and discussion is more than each of us telling our own experiences, so I ask that not only do we tell our own stories but we acknowledge other's and help them to discuss their past too.

Giving birth should be a calm, and beautiful thing, not one full of fear and panic.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
jabberwocky · 26/10/2008 00:47

Anyone still about?

CoteDAzur · 26/10/2008 07:01

I'm here.

I read all messages but have nothing new to add. Almost 10 weeks pregnant and freaking out on a daily basis.

star6 · 26/10/2008 09:06

I have been terrified of childbirth for as long as I can remember. I witnessed my very emotionally unstable older sister (7 yrs older) go through a very traumatic/dramatic birth when I was 16. That same year I went oon a language trip to another country with school and was raped. Both experiences made me extremely scared of sex, smear tests...anything where someone that I did not trust completely would go down there.
I met dh when I was 22. After about 6 mos. we knew this would last forever and I started to consider sex.
I tried to explain things to him but he didnt want to hear... but was incredibly patient, gentle and lovely about our first time. Once I was able to trust him completely, we did it and it has been ok ever since (I'm 30 now). However, it's still always difficult at first, my body has some sort of instinct to close up when something comes near there (smear tests take an avg of 45 minutes). Once dh is "in" (sorry tmi) it's ok, but getting there is never easy.
I didnt want to ever give birth. Finally we decided (last december) that we would try to get pg in a year. I decided all would be ok if I could get a CS.
We accidentally fell pg in January and the panic I felt was immediate. I begged and pleaded for a caesarean, my private gp wrote a note explaining that I should have a cs to my nhs midwife (I only see the private gp for migraines... long story).
Well, everyone tried to convince me that natural birth was better...etc, relaxation... the whole thing. I was still terrified!
I finally decided that I might be able to do it with pain relief (for all of the internal exams).
When my waterssuddenly broke, I was hysterically crying. MNers calmed me! Contractions ofcourse hurt but not NEARLY as much as the exams. They took ages to get inside and it was the worst pain i could imagine. After 29 hours they decided (after one mw just couldnt manage to examine me)that i could have the epidural i'd beenasking for since the beginning. Things were more smooth with the epidural, which showed up after 32 hours... and then in last hour of pushing they would not top it up!
I was really upset and scared and baby wasnt coming so 2 drs and a student came in talking about interventions. They BOTH examined me and had a good feel around even though epidural had worn off. I was screaming in pain. They finally agreed to geve me a local anaesthetic whilethey used ventouse to suck him out andcut a full episiotomy (I stillfelt the sting of this cut)! I remember it all vividly and pushing while they pulled it was awful and student just standing there watching!
When they put my baby on me I could think of nothing else but my love for him and felt very protective. Since he was 5lbs they took him away for blood sugar tests, which were low... dr stitched me upwhile I worried about my baby.
I have to say that the end result was most definitely worth it all, but if I ever give birth again it will have to be by cs.
However, I don't see that happening because I can't even bear the very thought of sex again. It scares me more than anything now. I never looked at my stitches, but mw's always said, "oh wow, lots of stitches and you are very bruised". I'll leave it up to my imagination, thank you.
I don't even think I'll use tampons again or go for another smear test.
But I adore my little baby and feel like the luckiest mother in the whole world to have him. He's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen. I love him more than I could ever begin to try to describe.
Having some difficulty bfing, but persevering (he's 3 weeks now). PND was definitely there at first 2 weeks but no resentment to my baby or negative thoughts, just tears flowing because I love him so much...etc.
Sorry for long post. Feels good to get it down here on a thread like this, which is meant for supporting things like this.

star6 · 26/10/2008 09:59

oh and I lost loads of blood, was anaemic to start with (hb under 8 and 4.8 at one point!). I collapsed in the bathroom just after birth and then in the hall post delivery. We had to stay quite a few days and no one helped me bf, first mw said "he will know what to do" (he did't!!)
another walked in on me trying to figure it out and said, "you're going to need to get some help with that"
I asked several mws/nurses for help and they just kept telling me to keep trying and they would feed him formula from a cup (to get blood sugar up) . I was so upset to not be able to feed mt own baby. also could not sit up independently to reach him for a couple of days. And night mw told me NOT to pick him up from his cot at night as he needed to learn to sleep on his own.

jabberwocky · 26/10/2008 13:53

How incredibly terrifying for you And I am so for you that they did not give you consideration for an elective section. I remember when my waters broke with ds1 and the pain of all the examinations. No one had ever told me that it could hurt like that.I remember wanting to scream anytime anyone came in to check me b/c I knew how excruciating it was going to be.

At 3 weeks post-birth sex does seem like something you could never imagine doing again. You may be pleasantly surprised at how you feel 3 or 4 months from now.

I think it is a very good sign that you are bonding so well with your baby. It's also great that you are able to write about your experience so soon afterwards. Keep posting and talking about it. I found that to be very helpful. I did cognitive behavior therapy as well which was extremely helpful.

star6 · 26/10/2008 14:05

Thanks jabberwocky. What did the cog. bahav therapy involve?

when you watch births on tv no one ever seems to mind the internal exams. they are excruciating.

jabberwocky · 26/10/2008 14:11

I liked it b/c you focus exclusively on the incident and you don't go trawling through your past iykwim. We would discuss memories and fears that I had and what produced panic attacks. Then she would give me mental exercises or "homework" to do in between sessions. It is considered to be really the only therapy that works for post-traumatic stress disorder. I am living proof that it can We have our lovely ds2 now and I could never have imagined going through another pregnancy before having CBT.

star6 · 26/10/2008 14:33

Thanks. My degree is in psychology but never did any clinical work for this sort of thing. That soundsreally good, i'm going to look into places in surrey/london that do this.

jabberwocky · 26/10/2008 15:48

I think you would ultimately benefit although not sure when you would want to start. Having a 3 week old is keeping you very busy I'm sure!

As far as bfing goes, that was always the most difficult period for me. In fact, with ds2 I don't think we were really established until around 8 weeks but that was more b/c he really didn't approve of my one nipple that's a bit flatter than the other. Took quite a bit of convincing to get him to take that side and even used a nipple shield for a while. But there's lots of MNers with excellent advice on that front for you

Bloodystumperlicious · 26/10/2008 16:07

Star what a terrible experience for you. I can't believe that they didn't take any of that into consideration.

You sound like you are doing really well now and a lot of what you are feeling is actually quite natural. I couldn't bear to investigate my stitches or even touch where they had been for a long time, even now 1.5 years later. And jabber is right, most people can't even contemplate sex so soon after a baby! It will take some time.

Bfing can take a while to get established, but if it carries on being hard make sure you seek help, on here or a bfing group or something. Also maybe worth having a look at the birth trauma website. I keep meaning to but in actual fact I'm not sure I can face it until I actually decide to have another baby.

star6 · 28/10/2008 15:52

Thanks for the support. I hope you're right about wanting sex later on... otherwise we're going to need marriage counseling. bf is pretty well established now it's just that my nipples are still very sore and cracked. But I know this will heal with time...

For now I'm focusing every ounce of energy on my precious baby. I love him so much that he can put the memories of the horrible birth out of my head... but not enough for me to want to go through it again! I have him and I love him and that's enough for me.

FiKelly · 28/10/2008 23:50

After reading everyone's posts I don't know wether I'm more relieved to know i'm not alone or more terrified about my next birth. I'm now 11wks pregnant with #2 and had a scary time having DS1...

I too got pre-eclampsia... I went to my usual MW appointment at 38wks on my own to find I had 3+'s and suddenly after having a trouble free pregnancy my midwife was asking me if there was anyone available to take me to hospital in Bristol RIGHT NOW. My DH was at work in Bristol which is 20 miles away from where we live and my mum was away for the day. We were fairly new to the area and all our neighbours worked so she called for an ambulance all the while with me sobbing in shock. I had left our dog locked in the kitchen as I didn't expect to be awy for very long & I worried about him having no food for however long. Thankfully my MW took my keys and my neighbours phone number so they could sort him out.

At this point my birth plan was already out the window... I'd planned a home birth. The MW had even delivered the home birthing pack/equipment just a few days earlier.

My BP went through the roof with all my sobbing. DH met me at the hospital also in shock at the turn of events and we were whisked off to be hooked up to all manner of monitoring equipment.

Fortunately they found DS was blissfully happy and totally unaware of all my distress... so after watching my BP start to normalise with DH support & calming presence they decided to not do an EmCS straight away. So for the next 3 days they tried to induce me with numerous stretch & sweeps/pessaries/prostin gel... many of which had me climbing up the bed to get away from it.

Over these 3 days my bishops score ended up less than I'd started off at & I was told it was very unlikely they would be able to pop my waters as I wasn't dilated. If they really went for it they might just be able to but i would be starting from scratch labour wise & should expect a few days of painful labour before giving birth. By this time they said I might not have the strength to push and could end up with an EmCS.

The consultant said my pre-eclampsia would not go until I'd had DS and although he was delightfully happy where he was thank you very much I would be at serious risk of all the usual PE stuff. She said the best option for me was an elective emergency CS... so after more tears and discussion with DH we decided to take her advice... so my CS slot was organised for the following am 1st thing. This meant no food after 10pm and no fluids after midnight. Am arrived to be told my CS was being delayed as there were more serious CS needing to be done before mine. Hey ho I thought... and we waited. Mid morning/lunch/mid afternoon time came and still I was not allowed any fluids or food as they were still planning to slot my CS in. Eventually at 5pm I went down to theatre & the spinal block worked a treat (although the anaesthetic made me really queezy so they had to give me lots of anti nausea). The CS itself was text book (lost no more than a can of coke of blood) and DS agpar was great... he even peed on the MW as she was about to weigh him I was quite woozy from the spinal but do remember all of this very well and got to do naked DS at my neck/chest cuddle with help from DH.

It was after this that it all went FUBAR. They wheeled me into recovery and my woozyness got worse. At this point I think I started to pass in & out of conciousness.. I only remember snippets of the next 5hrs. I continued to bleed heavily and remember MW being concerned about B loss and muttering about finding a way to measure it. I don't remember BF DS at all in this time. MW and DH apparently latched him on twice in this time. I just remember feeling floaty cold and clammy. MW & DH looking concerned and me floating off again.

5hrs later at 10pm the shift changed and there was a sudden flurry of people rushing into the room. My uterus was still high and I was still bleeding... they measured that i'd lost a min of 1.3ltrs of blood and had been having a post partum haemorrhage due to the earlier staff forgetting to give me the syntocin after the CS.

While many people held me down & thrust gas and air to my mouth they proceeded to do a manual evacuation... all the while with me climbing off the bed like the exorcist (so DH tells me). I never wanted DH down the business end and the things he saw have traumatised him too... He really thought & I did that I was a gonner and he was going home with DS & not me.

Due to the PPH i ended up being anaemic as they realised too late how much blood i'd lost and didn't give me a transfusion. This meant after my colostrum went my milk supply never came through in great supply. I then had 10 days of botched BF all the while getting weaker as my body tried to put both me back together and produce milk at the same time. Much to my dismay I had to give up BF and switch to formula... another thing i've never really gotten over as I feel my choice to BF was taken away from me by their mistake. I still cry about that too and it's 2yrs down the line....

Phew that's some marathon if you've made it through all that

This time I'm not sure what to do... VBAC or CS. As long as there's no mistakes this time I suppose I'll wait and see. At least I'm not going back to the previous hospital with all the bad memories. I'll be meeting my new consultant next week and we'll take it from there. I'm still scared about the possibility of dying with next LO... will it fade before the birth? I don't know...

tinkisinthe3rdtrimester · 29/10/2008 12:08

my dd is 3 years old i had a horrible birth with her.
labour lasted 35 hours from first contraction.
went to birthing centre when they were 5 mins apart as hoping to have a waterbirth.
dds heart rate was dropping so had to go in an ambulance with sirens @ 100 mph which one of the midwifes kindly let me overhear!!
arrived @ the hospital @ 9pm.
dh followed in the car and arrived not long after.
i had to be monitored nearly all the time.
got into there bath slowed it all down.
eventually ended up with monitor on legs up in stirrups, pushing for ages dd was having none of it!!
wasnt coming anytime soon.
just before i started pushing they tried to do an epidural but left to late and started pushing while they were trying to do it!!
ended up with about 10 medics/staff in the room all seemed in a panic ventouse and blood everywhere with 2nd degree very nearly 3rd degree tearing. loads of internal stitches seemed to be stitching for ages!!
then couldnt walk or stand propaly for 2 weeks
heres hoping this one is better

jabberwocky · 30/10/2008 13:13

Fikelly and tink what a horrifying experience for both of you.

Fikelly, have you looked at the birth trauma website? It was very helpful to me and it sounds like you most definitely have PTSD from your post-birth experience. I remember the horror of thinking that I was going to bleed to death while everyone had sat around watching and doing basically nothing. Going to a different hospital was one of the key things for me and here's hoping it helps you as well.

FiKelly · 30/10/2008 19:49

jabberwocky Thanks for the website... I didn't even know there was one. I had a good look around and so much of what they're saying sounds familiar. One blessing at least is I didn't end up with PND... goodness knows how!

When I was still desperate but too scared to try for #2 I made an appointment with my midwife to go through what happened, I sat there sobbing away as I described everything (as i've done every time for the last 2 yrs) as she didn't have my notes after all . In the end the MW decided to make an appointment for us with my CS consultant as she would have our notes looked out and be better to go through them.

The consultant said it wasn't the worst she'd ever seen! Which was as close to an apology as we got, but they could have reacted quicker post CS. She also said thankfully that the chances of anything like that happening again were really unlikely and there was nothing to suggest that having another baby would be dangerous/life threatening for me.

Both hubby and I left feeling slightly less apprehensive and reassured that even if it had got a lot worse they still would have been able to manage it. She also confirmed I would have to be under consultant care with #2 and would be monitored far more closely.

After going through the notes 5 months ago I am now able to speak/tell people about my birth trauma without crying

Most importantly to me (like yourself) they are happy to let me go to a different hospital to have #2 even though it is slightly out of our catchment area.

We're meeting our new consultant next week & I'm looking at the natalhypno cd's... might just give them a go.

TinkerBellesMum · 30/10/2008 20:07

I'm never ceased to be amazed by the stories that come up on this thread.

Is anyone here a member of Chums4Mums from Take a Break? I'm an area coordinator but nothing much happening here, I want to start a mother and child group for mum's with PND/ birth trauma or long term mental health problems, but not sure how to go about it plus I have the added complication of not knowing when my baby will be born.

FiKelly · 30/10/2008 20:07

star6 I too had problems with BF... due to my anaemia (milk never came through properly after colostrum) and I had a stubborn inverted nipple on one side. I got terribly chewed up (the only way to describe it) on that side and ended up using a shield so DS could latch on without my toes curling up in agony. Lansinoh cream was great to help the cracks and I used loads of it. In the end I wasn't producing enough milk to feed DS and I was so weak so we switched to formula.

I think you're doing amazingly well to be still breastfeeding with all you and your body has been through. The bad memories will fade... but it will take time. I couldn't face sex until everything was healed and no longer sore either... DH was happy to wait as long as there were cuddles and any touchy feely/body contact stuff was considered a bonus.

I think it was many months before we tried having sex & it was a bit uncomfortable at entry (sorry if TMI), but it's not been a problem since. Just take it slow and don't stress yourself about it

jabberwocky · 01/11/2008 01:08

I had problems bfing ds1 too. In the end, I expressed and gave him bm in a bottle at 3 weeks - much too soon - and he got nipple confusion. I wound up exclusively pumping for a year with him. With ds2 I vowed things would be better. Now I'm having trouble weaning him at 23 months, lol.

FiKelly · 01/11/2008 08:34

jabberwocky lol isn't that just typical!

thepurplestar · 03/11/2008 11:51

Having read this thread for a while, I finally feel like I can post. My son was born 4 months ago now- I was induced at 40+5 as they thought he was going to be a big baby.

I was admitted at 8pm on the Tuesday night to be induced. I spent some time with the foetal heart monitor so they could trace baby's heartbeat, that took a while as baby kept on moving around a lot, and it took over an hour an a half to get the 20 minute continuous reading that they needed. The first gel was done at 12.30am on the Wednesday- they hooked me up to the monitor again for an hour after that, and then I tried to get some sleep- there was a baby born on the ward that night though, so I didn't really get much sleep at all. The plan was to have a second gel at 6.30am, all being well.

At 6.30am, one of the midwives came in to check me over, ready for the second gel. She put me on the foetal heart monitor again, to check baby was ok. She went away, came back a few mins later, and checked the print-out. She watched it for a little longer, and then told me not to panic (!), but to get my stuff together quickly as she was transferring me straight down to the labour ward. She didn't say anything other than that- next thing I knew I was being wheeled downstairs, put in a small cubicle, and left wondering what was happening. I phoned my husband, as the transfer to the labour ward meant he was allowed in with me again.

The labour ward was a real contrast from the lovely ward I'd been on upstairs. The room I was in still had 4 beds in it, but it was a room about a third of the size of the one upstairs. There was no proper natural light where I was, and hardly any room in my cubicle. The night staff were still on at this point, and no-one would explain what was happening, When they changed over, finally someone explained to me that the baby's heartbeat had fallen below 110, so they'd transferred me straight down to labour ward for more monitoring. The trace was fine though by the time I'd got there. The only good thing to come out of it all though was that I was able to call DH to come in- he would have been allowed up to the ward upstairs at 8am for visiting hours, but as I'd been transferred to labour ward he could come in there and then.

The doctor came to see me with the midwife. They were happy with the trace, and so at 8.10am, they used the second gel. I had breakfast, and then my midwife came in and suggested I go for a walk to help move things along. DH and I walked over to another of the hospital buildings, so he could have some breakfast in the canteen- I had something extra to eat too. As we were walking over there, I though I had a couple of contractions. By the time we'd got the food, I knew they were contractions, and although they were irregular, they were all less than 10 mins apart, and some of them were less than 5 apart, we decided to go back to the ward. I am not sure of the time, but I do know that Homes Under The Hammer (one of my guilty daytime TV pleasures) was on the Patientline TV we had, and we were watching it, so it would have been sometime between 10 and 11. The midwife came back in, and I was in a lot of pain by then, so she suggested I start to use my TENS machine. I did, and it was great for a little while. She said to get her if I felt I needed looking at. The contractions were very painful by this point, and I was finding it difficult to cope. I kept needing the loo as I was drinking so much, but even walking down the corridor was painful. At some point after lunch was served, things started to go a bit wrong. The pain changed, and was so bad, I just couldn't cope with it. DH went to find the midwife, left a message at the desk for her (!) and she eventually came to see us. She insisted that I needed to wait until the 6 hours were up (2.10pm) before she would examine me again. She disappeared off, telling us to fetch her again if we felt we needed her. Not very long afterwards, I knew I needed more pain relief as the TENS was taking of the edge of things only, and not blocking the contractions any more, which were 1-2 mins apart by now. DH went to find her again, she came into the cubicle, checked the trace and then eventually said she'd examine me earlier if it got really bad. (like it wasn't already )

On one of the trips to the loo, my waters broke. I came back and told the midwife, who said she'd examine me in a while (she kept asking me if I was sure they had actually broken, and could it be just where I used the loo). She came back eventually, but only as I wasn't able to be quieter anymore during the contractions, and the other ladies in the room could hear quite clearly that I was hurting (I knew the lady in the next cubicle; we both post on another message board, and didn't meet in RL until I had the induction!), and tried to examine me- but couldn't as I was too tense and in too much pain. Contractions were all less than 2 mins apart by then, and very, very painful. So she decided to move me to a delivery room, so I could have some gas and air, and hopefully that would help her examine me.

She gave me gas and air, examined me, and I was only 3cm dilated- contractions were just over a minute apart, and I couldn?t believe that was all that I was. I asked for Pethidineadine, as the gas and air and TENS were only taking the edge off things, and not helping any more. The midwife decided that she needed the Sister in there to examine me first, and went off to find her. 'That took at least 10 mins where DH and I were in the room on our own, although the door was left open. Things from here are hazy for me, but I remember bits and pieces, and DH has filled me in on the rest. The Sister came and examined me, and I had gone from 3cm to fully dilated in that short time. I was also having continuous contractions, and was in more pain than I'd ever been. The baby had turned back-to-back, which is why it had become so painful. They offered me an epidural, which I said yes to straight away, so they went to page the anesthetisttist. I was still struggling on the g&a through the contractions, and hallucinated a bit too-

Things then accelerated really quickly, and the continuous contractions meant I was unable to move at all or speak properly at all. The anaesthetist came in eventually, and started joking about him taking so long (didn't go down too well with me, I just wanted some pain relief), and then started explaining the risks of him doing one on me- I remember shouting at him that I didn?t care, and to hurry up and do it. They wanted me to go on my side to start it, but I couldn?t move, the pain was so intense I couldn?t even roll. I have honestly never known anything like it, and I was still only on gas and air. I knew something was going wrong when lots more people came in, and I was told to start pushing- I tried, but couldn?t push enough. DH tells me that they checked the foetal monitor, and the baby?s heartbeat was dangerously low, and it had been prolonged.

They decided they had to carry out a crash section, thrust some bit of paper into DH's hands to sign. It all happened so fast, DH wasn?t even allowed to come in with me. Even as I was being wheeled to theatre, and in the theatre itself I was pushing, trying to get baby out myself. Last thing I remember is hearing some conversation about me having the TENS machine pads on my back still, and then them giving me some liquid to drink, which I gulped down.

Within 10 mins of being taken into surgery, was son was born. My husband was left in the delivery room we'd been in with my bags, having no idea what was happening to either me or my baby. Eventually someone came and got him-surgeonurgen came out of theatre, said the baby was ok, and that it was a boy (we hadn't found out). They cleaned the baby up, then took him out to DH who took off his t-shirt and had skin-to-skin contact with him like I'd planned to do straight after birth; the baby calmed down straight away as soon as he was with his Daddy . They asked him about vitamin k- and so baby got the injection as we?d discussed. They then led DH to a side room, left baby with him for ages, brought in all my bags and they told him I?d had a genanesthetichetic but would be fine. They also told him I'd had a blood transfusion in theatre (we found out later I'd lost 3 pints during surgery). They weighed and dressed baby, and then eventually they wheeled me into the same room. I think I came to about an hour and half after he was born. The first thing I saw was DH, who told me that we had a boy, and that he was perfect. He pointed to the cot, and I could just see this little baby lying there, in a stripey outfit. I remember a midwife telling me it was 90 mins since he?d been born- could I try breastfeeding, or did I want them to give him a bottle? I remember mumbling about breast-feeding, and they put him to me, and he latched straight away. asked for some pain relief and was told it would be sorted out in a while.

I slept for a while with him feeding, and sort of drifted in and out for a long while. I remember very groggily phoning my mum, sister and best friend, but hardly had the energy to talk- DH had to finish off the conversations for me. I was in a lot of pain, but it took several hours and requests to finally get my morphine injection- the midwife who administered it said to me I'd done well to have that taht long without pain relief (thinking back to it, I get angry that I was ignored and left in pain for so long, even if they were very very busy that day).

We were finally transferred back to the ward at 2.30am, and I got a side room which I was very grateful for. DH had to leave at that point, but was allowed back at 8am. The next day I spent dosed up with many painkillers, but things have got easier day by day, and they let us come home on the Saturday, which was a relief. They had wanted me to have another day in as my iron levels were so low ? 7.4 (I lost 3 pints of blood during delivery and they?d given me a transfusion in there and wanted to give me a second transfusion), but they let me just take iron tablets in the end.

So absolutely nothing went to plan at all. I?ve never known pain like it if I am honest, and things didn?t progress in the way they should have done. When I was getting the contractions 1-2 mins apart, I feel the midwife should have stayed with me. They should examined me earlier than they did, insteainsistingsting on the 6 hour thing. If any of that had happened, or if the anesthetistatist had arrived earlier, I might have been able to have an epidural. I suspect that with the induction it was always going to end up with a c-section, but I am still upset that I didn't see my son born. I would have done had they believed me when I said I was in pain and started the pain relief sooner. I really feel like I missed out on something, and that initial bonding process and I've found it so hard. I'd mentally prepared for every situation (even a section), but I suppose I had this image in my mind of baby being born, and my husband telling me what it was, and then having my skin to skin contact with the baby. We had 6 scans with him, and had avoided finding out the sex in all of them.

I love spending time with him, he's adorable, and while I'm glad they acted so fast in hospital when his life was in danger (I can't fault how quick they were when they finally realised there was a problem), they were so busy there I felt I was ignored to the point it could so easily have gone the other way. It upsets me 4 months on, and has made me think twice about if I could even have a second pregnancy now.

I spoke to a HV nearly 4 weeks ago about having a debrief- I saw her again 10 days go and she said she was chasing it up but I've heard nothing. I stil get flashbacks at night when I try and sleep but not as many as I used to.

FiKelly · 04/11/2008 19:01

thepurplestar you had a dreadful time.. jabberwocky suggested a birth trauma website to me (the link is higher up on this page) if you haven't visited it already I think you too will find it of use. Don't give up on your debrief... it is well worth having.

I didn't get the nerve to do mine until nearly 2yrs had passed! It really put my mind at ease with all that happened. I will never forget but it has helped me cope with the aftermath of all the feelings of being cheated out of the way I wanted everything to be.

I can now focus on the positives of that time and have started to let go of the bad... to the extent we are now expecting #2. I'm still nervous about what's to come with the birth of #2 but at least we know from previous experience what's not right and DH will move heaven and earth to make sure it's resolved quicker if I'm out of it.

Talking about your trauma really helps so sharing your experience here is a great... also having lots of good crying sessions helped me too!

jabberwocky · 04/11/2008 19:12

purplestar

Fikelly is right. Posting about it is a big step towards recovery. The Birth Trauma website is wonderful too. You can get past this experience but it takes work and perseverance on your part. I never thought I would get past my birth trauma with ds1 but I can actually talk about it without tears now.

Tclanger · 04/11/2008 19:34

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FiKelly · 04/11/2008 19:46

Tclanger how amazingly brave you were to bear the level of pain the CS must have given you. It's no wonder you're traumatised too.

You're definitely not weak.. it took a lot of guts to do what you did and then carry on with the memories associated with it...

Tclanger · 04/11/2008 19:55

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