Anyone else grieving the vaginal births they did not have after electives

[pyrl2026]

Hey! First time poster 🙃 I just wondered if anyone can relate, I chose to give birth to my first son via planned c section as he was measuring big and there was a worry of shoulder dystocia. I had gallstones whilst pregnant (I had attacks every two weeks where I thought I was dying but told it was heartburn) subsequently had them taken out 3 months pp and then had sepsis 7 months pp.

Flash forward 3 years I chose to have another elective for DS2. It was a wonderful positive birth and I loved it but I can’t shake the feeling I made a mistake? I feel like I’m grieving a birth I never had, I’ve never felt a contraction but ultimately all is well so why am I crying everyday? I feel like I chose an elective section with no medical reason but ultimately it was down to health anxiety? I just feel like I can’t remember why I made the decision.

Rambled on a bit but curious if anyone can relate at all.

I had 2 vaginal births, though close to an emergency c section in the first one and sustained a lot of damage in the second. I think it's easy to focus on some ideal scenario with birth, but the most important thing is your children are here and you're all alive and well. I occasionally catch myself thinking of my second birth and wished I'd made more of a fuss with a midwife as wondering if that could have avoided some issues, but there's really no point cherry picking the past. Would it be worth exploring your feelings with a therapist? Also, might not be your case - but I know quite a few people who get themselves very upset about their birth as they read so many "perfect" stories on social media. Avoid at all costs! I found contractions just felt quite similar to period pains - and barely felt them with the first as I had an epidural pretty sharpish! I hope you can find some peace with your experience xxx

Do not regret your decisions. I pushed out 3 babies vaginally and now keep Always pads in business cos my bladder is buggered.

How long ago since the birth of your second baby? It’s seems rather extreme to be ‘crying everyday’ over this. It does suggest that this is not perhaps the root cause of why you’re so sad?

And vaginal birth is extremely painful, undignified and trashes your body. In my experience!

I am intrigued to know what it feels like…but not enough that I would do it differently if I had a time machine!

Very grateful for my c sections and glad I didn’t try a vaginal birth - it was the best choice for me and my babies.

Thanks for this you’re right I think comparison is the root of some of it, we put such high expectations on ourselves. Appreciate the thoughtful reply xxx

Only a month, I’m sure hormones are exaggerating my feeling and with time I’ll feel better, just hoping I wasn’t completely alone in this feeling really

Thanks for this you’re right I think comparison is the root of some of it, we put such high expectations on ourselves. Appreciate the thoughtful reply

If you’re someone who might potentially be at risk of shoulder dystocia , your c sections were a life saving medical miracle! Honestly don’t believe the hype about vaginal birth , it would very probably have been hell for you. I’m super happy and grateful for my emergency c sections which saved our lives,no regrets at all

I've had 3 vaginal births , let me tell you there's nothing that feels very 'natural' about pushing a baby out of your vagina and other than a lovely baby the only 'pleasure ' in my vaginal births was the overwhelming sense of relief when it was all over.
As long as baby and mother are ok does it really matter which way they came out !
Congratulations and enjoy your baby.

God no. 1 emergency CS and then 2 electives. Absolutely zero regrets(oh and I had contractions with my 1st pregnancy before it turned into an emergency CS, trust me you're not missing anything!!)

I had a vaginal birth that trashed my pelvic floor and took me months to recover from when in a basic way (being able to sit down properly!). I kept wondering if I should have had a C section! The grass always seems greener. The next two births were electives - much better for me.
As to never experiencing a contraction - the pain was horrific. Thank goodness for epidurals and modern medicine!

Nope. I didnt want to be in agony for hours and end up witha shredded vagina and vulva. And incontinence. No regrets whatsoever.

And also did I regret having my appendix out with no anaesthetic?
Also no.

I had a vb-it was shite. Second was emergency c-section-much easier.

i had vbac. My first was elective c section due to breech so felt like there was no reason I couldn’t try for ‘natural’. Well it all went wrong 😂. Waters broke but labour didn’t progress so ended up in hospital having to be induced, epidural didn’t really work so still felt every contraction and I had forceps birth, torn stitches/infections and am left with a prolapse. In hindsight wish I’d just had another c section.

Honestly op, I get it. I had to have 3 sections in the end - 2 were breech, so elective and my 3rd I laboured with but it all went tits up and I had to have an emergency section. For years I felt defective but mine are now 24,21 and 18 and I can honestly say I don’t care any more. Give it time. In the longer term, how they came out really doesn’t matter. Congratulations on number 2 and be kind to yourself - you’ve grown two whole humans in that body of yours - that’s the amazing bit - not how they entered the world x

My first birth was natural and second was elective c-section. I do not have fond memories of my first birth but I do of my second.

Are you crying all the time due to hormones? How recently did you have the elective? I really don’t understand grieving a different birth, maybe that’s just me! I had an extremely traumatic vb with my eldest where I nearly lost my life, I had an ec for my 2 after that! Even if I’d had all electives I can’t imagine being upset not having a vb! As long as your baby and you are healthy and here, surely that’s all that matters! More important things in life surely!

I had 3 vaginal births and hated them all. They were nothing but an excruciatingly painful means to an end. I wouldn’t say I would have preferred c sections because I don’t have that experience to compare but I definitely wouldn’t waste a moment romanticising or grieving natural birth.

Hello OP, I have had a caesarean, vaginal birth and a ventouse and can relate to your feelings. My children are grown ups now but may years ago when I felt like you do, I read a post here on Mumsnet that really clicked for me. It said something like, my children are all different and so are their births and their births are just part of them. Like a previous poster said, this feels really central when you have babies and young children but as they grow, the way they came into the world just becomes part of who they are. I hope this helps.

I didnt want unnecessary surgery so wouldn't have opted for a caesarian unless absolutely necessary. I am happy with my decision. But I certainly don't think I should get a medal for a vaginal birth.

This. I love go run and it’s an absolute pain and quite demoralizing. Count your blessings