Anyone else grieving the vaginal births they did not have after electives

[pyrl2026]

Hey! First time poster 🙃 I just wondered if anyone can relate, I chose to give birth to my first son via planned c section as he was measuring big and there was a worry of shoulder dystocia. I had gallstones whilst pregnant (I had attacks every two weeks where I thought I was dying but told it was heartburn) subsequently had them taken out 3 months pp and then had sepsis 7 months pp.

Flash forward 3 years I chose to have another elective for DS2. It was a wonderful positive birth and I loved it but I can’t shake the feeling I made a mistake? I feel like I’m grieving a birth I never had, I’ve never felt a contraction but ultimately all is well so why am I crying everyday? I feel like I chose an elective section with no medical reason but ultimately it was down to health anxiety? I just feel like I can’t remember why I made the decision.

Rambled on a bit but curious if anyone can relate at all.

Completely relate to this ! I’ve even had therapy - it helped me understand some of the deeper rooted reasons I was perhaps feeling this way (and still do!). It will get better with time xxx

No regrets. I had a planned CS. The alternative would have meant an emergency CS at best, death for me and the babies at worst.

Choosing not to take the risk is probably one of my best decisions ever.

Good grief no.

First baby baby was breech. Got to 9cm before I had an emergency section. Contractions feel like period pains x1000. Not anything you’d want to experience! The relief was immense when I got the spinal!

Second baby I went for a planned section. By this point I’d met sooo many mums who had awful tears, needing surgery, incontinence etc I wasn’t risking it. And glad I didn’t. They would talk about not being able to go on trampolines or issues with going to the loo. One took almost a year to recover. Another had to go back into surgery straight after birth due to 3rd degree tear.

Don’t get me wrong I’ve also had friends have lovely experiences but I don’t need to feel envious. My sections were fine.

Surely the point of being pregnant and giving birth is to have a healthy baby and the mum stays as healthy as possible too. No it doesn’t make any sense at all TBH.

I had a vaginal birth, it wasn't even that bad compared to some horror stories you hear but I had an episotomy and the healing was rough. For at least a month afterwards, for every person I would see walking around on the street or whatever I would think "you are the product of female suffering". It was a weird time! Then it faded. What I'm saying is, you're still post partum, hormones and physiology and health is all over the place. Give it time. Your healthy babies will make you forget it.

Try not to dwell on things that cannot be changed. I have had both. My last vaginal birth left me with a birth injury hence the subsequent section.

honestly IMO we under estimate the damage a vaginal birth can actually do to a woman’s body.

I had two emergency caesareans, and absolutely felt like I’d failed somehow. It was a massive source of regret, so I do understand your feelings. It took a while - a few years - for that feeling to disappear completely (although it faded a lot much quicker), no matter how many times I told myself that without the surgery neither of my sons would have been born alive.

They are in their mid-40s now, and I can genuinely say I haven’t given how they were born a second thought in over 40 of those years; I am sure your feelings will pass too.

There’s a reason I stopped at only one child and that was because I had a vaginal birth. I am still traumatised by it 29 years on and it still feels like it was yesterday.

also, as others have said, Always and Tena feature heavily in our lives. Please don’t regret and just be happy with your gorgeous babies. I would love to have had another but couldn’t after that

Go to any primary school in the country, and pick any reception class. Of those 30 kids, can you tell which ones were born vaginally and which by c section? Can you tell whose mothers did or didn’t have an epidural? Can you tell which were breastfed and which weren’t? No. Because truthfully it makes absolutely no difference in the long run.

One DC, general anaesthetic emergency c section. Basically, no birth experience. It was very difficult at the stage where everyone is telling their birth story at baby groups and socials. Over the years I've returned to the subject of whether I can say 'I gave birth ...' and have cone to the place now where I still feel that description is wrong but I haven't felt bad about it or deprived of opportunity for a very long time. I don't think I would feel the same if I hadn't been under general anaesthetic

I felt this way after DS2 (planned CS as he went overdue and I couldn't be induced because of a previous emergency CS). I knew the emergency CS for DS1 was completely necessary to save him and me, so I felt just grateful for it. But DS2 was to be my chance at a vaginal birth and I felt terrible for ages that I didn't manage it.

Time solves this though - DS2 is 18, and I haven't given it a passing thought for ages. It just doesn't matter to me any more. It feels so all-consuming when you're in the midst of the baby years and everything you read is about babies/birth/etc, but I promise you it will matter less and less to you the more time goes by.

I'm the opposite to you. I regret having so-called "natural" deliveries with my first two babies.

Vaginal birth is totally undignified and can trash your pelvic floor, amongst other birth injuries that are tricky to recover from. That is in addition to being extremely painful.

I was very relieved when I needed a caesarean for my third baby even though it was an emergency. It was a far, far better experience than my vaginal births. With hindsight, I should have gone for elective caesareans for all three of them.

Believe me, you haven't missed anything at all.

“I’ve never felt a contraction”

So how lucky are you? Giving birth to my first DC was the MOST painful thing I’ve ever done in my life, and I’ve had gallstones and kidney stones. I really had to talk myself into getting pregnant second time around! Don’t wish you’d had a vaginal birth: ultimately, if you and the baby were both OK, then it was a successful birth. Rejoice in your lovely DC - their manner of coming into the world doesn’t matter a jot.

I don’t at all I’m so glad I don’t pee myself and had piles like my friends

I had an elective c-section on medical advice. I survived and so did my v premature twins. Preeclampsia from week 17. Thank goodness we aren’t dreamy eyed about natural births.

Not in the slightest. I was just relieved to have a healthy baby and come out relatively unscathed myself!

A vaginal birth is natural and normal nothing about it is undignified that’s just your experience perhaps. I have had two and my body is fine.

OP you did what you felt was right for you and your babies so well done.

PS that gallbladder being diagnosed as heartburn is absolutely ridiculous and scary. You ought to put in a complaint against the dr because their misdiagnosis is probably what caused your sepsis.

Nope. 2 C Sections and never think about it.

Emergency CS, vaginal, elective CS.

Hell no to grieving, wish the vaginal had been a cs tbh, it was brutal.

i did for years and years but i was fortunate to be invited to my dd's vaginal delivery which was the most beautiful delivery ever and it's fully relieved me of my own disappointment.
weird but true.

I had an emcs after 60 hours of induced labour, I felt for years that my body let me down because it couldn't do the one thing it was intended to do. It contributed to the horrific pnd I suffered & I will always regret that I have never experienced a vaginal birth.

I had 2 emergency sections, they’re 24 and 20 now. I never give how they arrived into the world a moments thought, why would I. It has been a very long time since anyone cared, lol

As they grow you’ll be too busy and too in love with them to think it matters.

Aah there you go. Bastard hormones!!

I had a CS 16 years ago with twins and honestly now, I could give precisely zero fucks that it wasn’t a vaginal birth.

Any kind of childbirth takes its toll on your body, but I’m relieved to have escaped the risk of some of the horror stories that come with a vaginal birth.

You grew humans inside you, what an incredible thing to do!! Congratulations on your latest arrival - please don’t dwell on what might have been done differently. Comparison is always the thief of joy.

And if you do find you are feeling a bit consistently weepy or low, please talk to your midwife or GP. Post-natal depression can creep up when you least expect it!

Take care of yourself, you’ve just done something amazing 💐

Ugh no. I had two vaginal deliveries that everyone told me were brilliant and I was so lucky because they were fast and required no intervention and no pain relief. The reality was I felt absolutely ravaged by them, tore, got infections both times and felt like my body went into shock. I couldn’t even hold my second baby because I was so traumatised by the pain and force of the labour. I’ve felt jealousy when women talk about having planned c sections and how calm they were.

Calm down. No need to be unkind. “Get a grip”? The OP is 1 month post partum and simply expressing on a forum designed for mothers how she is feeling post birth. No need to comment if you have nothing helpful to say