Anyone else grieving the vaginal births they did not have after electives

[pyrl2026]

Hey! First time poster 🙃 I just wondered if anyone can relate, I chose to give birth to my first son via planned c section as he was measuring big and there was a worry of shoulder dystocia. I had gallstones whilst pregnant (I had attacks every two weeks where I thought I was dying but told it was heartburn) subsequently had them taken out 3 months pp and then had sepsis 7 months pp.

Flash forward 3 years I chose to have another elective for DS2. It was a wonderful positive birth and I loved it but I can’t shake the feeling I made a mistake? I feel like I’m grieving a birth I never had, I’ve never felt a contraction but ultimately all is well so why am I crying everyday? I feel like I chose an elective section with no medical reason but ultimately it was down to health anxiety? I just feel like I can’t remember why I made the decision.

Rambled on a bit but curious if anyone can relate at all.

Honestly? I would pick CS over VB any day of the week. Yes, it's major surgery. Yes, it's a longer recovery - but it's also predictable, controlled, and I would much rather an abdominal wound that heals a bit slower, than a ripped vagina and a bladder that leaks pee when I laugh. Not to mention the agony of the actual birth. Everyone's different with what they want, but no birth should be seen as lesser than another. The actual delivery isn't what's important. You've grown a baby, you're going to raise a baby, getting the baby out into the world absolutely isn't the most important moment.

I’ve had two c-sections, first one an emergency. You never know what type of birth journey you are going to have. Advantages and disadvantages to both options with very rarely the perfect experience. Best to try and make peace with the fact your children arrived safely.

I think what you're grieving is a vaginal birth which progresses quickly, where you find you're managing the pain better than expected, and whether your pop out your baby whilst doing deep breathing in a pool. Then are home within 6 hours with a mildly sore undercarriage, but otherwise all fine. You're grieving the fantasy birth. But almost no one gets that, especially for a first vaginal birth

What you missed out on was many hours or even days of agony, a chance of having baby yanked out by forceps or ventose. Almost certain tearing or having your vulva cut open, possibly without any anaesthetic, having it stitched up, again possibly without anesthetic, and potential lifelong implications for continence. Ok, it's not that bad for everyone, but most people look back on their births as things they endured, not an experience they truly enjoyed (save for meeting their baby, which you do either way).

I had two wonderful planned sections, but I had started contractions before having my first. I could tell they were staying to ramp up, and having the section was a relief, because it really wasn't pleasant even in the early stages.

Congratulations on your baby.

Definitely not

DC2 was elective after DC1 was an emergency section. Went through full labour for practically 24 hours first and several hours of pushing to then need a section anyway, honestly you’re not missing anything with labour, horrible period pain basically, I threw up a lot and it was just a miserable experience.

DC2 elective section, much more chilled experience all round, recovery much easier. Don’t regret that for a moment.

My kids are 8 and 10 now and I barely ever think about their births. A month is so new and your hormones are wild. You made the best medical decision for you and your baby and that’s all that matters.

I get it o/p.

i did all the visualising, positive thinking, hypnobirthing stuff. I was going to have a calm, easy labour. I’m strong and fit, my body could do this! I even asked for a home birth I was that confident.

it all went to rat shit and I ended up with an emcs which did save my baby’s life. However I did grieve that wonderful, positive birthing experience I was going to have.

however many years later and I don’t regret it at all and all those feelings are gone. I didn’t think they would, but I really couldn’t care less now.

it will get better. My only advice is to ignore the “I had an easy birth all because I thought positively” crowd. That’s bollocks.

I second all the posters who say vaginal deliveries all the complications are hard. I’m a take a break story. Gave birth on my own to a ten pound baby while the dad nipped out for pizza. Might sound like a superhero, but my prolapses disagree. I’d have your story over mine any day of the week! Enjoy your baby, hopefully sans prolapse! God bless medicine!

Hence why I said ‘in my experience’…..
and I think if you read you’ll find many women on this forum that have similar and actually much worse experiences than me.
I’m very glad that your birth experiences were so positive and that your body remains unscathed. Perhaps it would be nice not to be quite so dismissive of others experiences.

I've had an elective CS and a vaginal birth. I found the CS much better. I was out of hospital in 48 hours and was able to bf successfully.

First birth was vaginal and was a nightmare. The second midwife i had was horrible. She disappeared for long periods and was unkind and sarcastic (but faked being supportive when doctors were in the room at the end) Post partum haemorrage, 3rd degree tear. I was in hospital for longer due to complications, was going mad from lack of sleep and couldn't fully bf, only mixed feed which I had to give up on after a few weeks. Like others my pelvic floor isn't good

I spent years @pyrl2026 grieving the vagunal birth I never had with my babies. I had 5 sections in the end and it took me a long time to come to terms with never having given birth. The grief is real. Truly. But it will get better and eventually go. Promise.

Nope. Mine were medically advised, so not really elective, but I don’t regret not having a vaginal birth (or a ‘proper birth’ as my DH’s ex so kindly put it). I wanted healthy babies, and this was what I got. I don’t care how they got here.

I had 2 c sections. 1 due to breech but I had contractions and felt the need to push before the spinal block was put in. Was all a bit of a rush! 2nd was due to my waters breaking but no contractions after 3 days, I couldn’t be induced due to previous section so had a more relaxed section second time around. I do occasionally feel I missed experiencing a vaginal birth. But I don’t get too upset.

I did have a shoulder dystotia birth and my DD very nearly died. I had 4th degree tears and a 2l blood loss that required a double transfusion.I was left fairly traumatised.

My next two babies were by c-section, with the first one being particularly healing. I am a big fan of elective c-sections.

I had a vaginal birth with DS8 and it was so awful, it put me off having another child. I still get pelvic pain even now. I understand you feel you’ve missed out, but in my experience it wasn’t pleasant at all!

Do you think any of the pressure you are putting on yourself is coming from reading online forums OP? I used to be on a babycentre board which was supportive pre birth, but could be quite sneering to anyone who didn't have a vaginal birth or bf or send kids to private school. It was only a small minority who were like this but they were very vocal.

I've experienced both and you've missed nothing! In fact I regret that my VB wasn't a c section! But rarely think of this.

Is it possible you have pnd, hormones all over the place. I had a CS with my first baby. It was booked because she was big, me small and left lateral breach. I had preeclampsia was already in hospital on bed rest.waters broke,no surgeon available, panic. Treatment was awful. I called me GP, they wouldn't let her see me.i swore I would never have another. A year after she was born major abdominal surgery,gall bladder and appendix. Followed by laparoscopy, for heavy bleeding.Dr said I would always have to have CS,so I decided no more,id have enough painful abdominal surgery thanks.THEN, I had a terrifying older unmarried,no babies on/gym consultant (I actually was nursing at the hospital) she agreed to give me a trial. I went on to have 3 vb. My youngest ds size 0, has had 4 no sutures, tearing or analgesia!

I had an elective CS with my DS. I was over 40 and can honestly say it was the least dramatic, most straightforward process imaginable.

Recovery was easy and the whole event was far easier than I was led to believe. I was in hospital for barely 24 hours and back up and running as normal at home within a few days. I’d advise anyone to do it.

I typed ob/gynae consultant phone altered!

Tbh no, I don't feel this. I had an elective csection due to issues that were spotted and it was a positive experience. A bit sore maybe, but better than having my fanny ripped up 🤷‍♀️ i dont really attach successful vaginal birth to womanhood or my self worth or anything; what matters is DD got here ok!

I’ve done both. You’re missing pain. I was quite happy to miss that the second time. Please don’t mourn this as if it’s some magical thing. Having a baby safely for yourself and baby is magical. Pushing is just a thing. A painful thing. In some cases a source of ongoing damage to the body. I think people romanticise it honestly.

I also don’t feel this at all. In fact I’m very happy I got to avoid any issues ‘down there’, as I get older it’s apparent that quite a few of my friends have pelvic floor issues from their deliveries and can’t do things like bounce on trampolines or go running easily, so I’m very grateful to not have to contend with that.

Four vaginal births, each horrendous. during one retained placenta meant manual removal and surgery (lack of bladder control after that).

In the next had shoulder dystocia and I had to be almost folded in half by four midwives to get the baby out and could not walk for days along with major stitches

The third I wanted an epidural but it didn't work, added to which my waters went the day before so was a dry birth. Lost a lot of blood and had to be monitored.

The last one was just frustrating as the midwife would not let me have the water birth I was supposed to have and basically messed me around until it was too late. She was not nice at all. No good memories from that birth either. Horrible woman.

Basically my bladder is shot and I have a front and back on prolapse. If I could do it all again I would take four elective c sections. Genuinely don't know why I didn't even ask!!!

Hi OP, I had two electives (not for medical reasons although both babies were measuring as big) and I have zero regrets. For me it was the safest and best option. I didn’t experience contractions with my first even though DC was early. I did with my second but didn’t realise that’s what they were - just very very mild cramping lower down.
I think it’s so easy to get caught up in a ‘natural birth’ as it’s pushed so much on us and there’s such negativity around having an elective c-section, which I personally think is crazy in this day and age.
You made your decisions based on what was best for you and baby at the time and that’s the best thing! Maybe it’s due to the hormones that you’re feeling this - post partum can be a rough ride, especially when you’ve also got a young child! Be kind to yourself and try and focus on the here and now! Hopefully once you’ve caught up on sleep and rest and things settle, you’ll stop thinking of a what could have been…and be very grateful that your vagina hasn’t gone through child birth!!! (As I am!)

I grieve the dc I lost during a vaginal birth. I had my second DS by c section. I am obviously sensitive to this but it so tone deaf to use terms like "grieve" over loss of a baby. I know someone who did similar in a small group of our friends knowing my baby had died. Mumsnet is fine as we can just click off but please don't be that person.

Vaginal delivery isn't all that! Mine was an induction on Sunday lunchtime, waters broken Sunday afternoon, ventoose delivery Monday 3:30am. They were about to send me to theatre.
My vag and perineum were like patchwork for weeks!
The 2 people I know had ECS with their first had planned CS with their second, so I presume they didn't feel they had missed out. Just enjoy your healthy baby.