Anyone else grieving the vaginal births they did not have after electives

[pyrl2026]

Hey! First time poster 🙃 I just wondered if anyone can relate, I chose to give birth to my first son via planned c section as he was measuring big and there was a worry of shoulder dystocia. I had gallstones whilst pregnant (I had attacks every two weeks where I thought I was dying but told it was heartburn) subsequently had them taken out 3 months pp and then had sepsis 7 months pp.

Flash forward 3 years I chose to have another elective for DS2. It was a wonderful positive birth and I loved it but I can’t shake the feeling I made a mistake? I feel like I’m grieving a birth I never had, I’ve never felt a contraction but ultimately all is well so why am I crying everyday? I feel like I chose an elective section with no medical reason but ultimately it was down to health anxiety? I just feel like I can’t remember why I made the decision.

Rambled on a bit but curious if anyone can relate at all.

You gave birth to your 2 babies. That's all that matters.

I had a traumatic vaginal birth and then an elective c section. The elective c section was much better.

My c-sec baby is now 25 years old.

How he emerged is the least of my concerns.

However I went through a hard time for a good while after he was born almost obsessed with the birth.

In retrospect (particularly since peri-menopause and the menopause came along, punched me in the face, and brought back rumination on steroids + tears and plain old misery) the root cause was not the birth and my feelings about it. It was my hormones being out of whack.

It’s worth investigating the cause not the symptom and saving yourself months, or longer, of distress if you can get hold of a doctor prepared to identify and treat the root issue.

Massive hug

OP I think a lot of this will be how freshly postpartum you are. I had an induction with DS1 which followed all the classic cascade of interventions, leading to a forceps delivery with episiotomy and a tear, one of which (or perhaps both, not sure as I was in so much pain for so many months) got recurring infections postpartum. It wasn't in any way the birth I had hoped for, and there were moments in the months afterwards where all I could think was 'genuinely what the fuck was that'.

I think hypnobirthing has a lot to answer for in terms of people feeling like their body has let them down when things go sideways, but I don't think I know one single person who had a straightforward vaginal birth with their first, and I know soooo many women who had an emcs for their first and chose an elcs for the second for the safety and reassurance aspect.

Time is a great healer, and in time you will be glad of the medicine and technology and expertise that brought your babies into the world safely, even if right now it feels awful. Take the time to process things. And enjoy your new baby!

Same

Contractions and giving birth really hurts. It's like being jealous that someone's baby was breech. 😂

I’ve had three vaginal births, 2 at home (and one of those with a shoulder dystocia)

honestly, you haven’t missed anything. It still feels like being run over by a fucking truck! It’s not a mythical procedure which turns you into a woman!

As I’ve got older, I’ve learned about how risky birth can be. All this billocks about “it’s what our bodies are made to do”. They’re not, women die giving birth.

recognise that it’s probably your hormones talking and enjoy your baby.

My first birth was an emergency section for medical reasons, and the second one was an elective section because I was a high risk after the first (and it wasn't long after, I had mine close together.) Recovered very quickly from both, and was out and about as normal within 2 weeks each time. The very small scars healed very quickly. (Mid 1990s.)

Not one single regret. Especially after all the horror stories I have heard from friends, colleagues, acquaintances, and family members over the past 35-40 years - of what happened with their 'natural' births. (Vaginal births...) Especially those aged 29-30 or older when they had their first.

I know some women can have perfectly fine, straightforward vaginal births, (and some do,) but I have heard soooo many tales of problem births, for the last 30-35 years now. Vaginal births seem to carry more risks and trauma and damage these days than they did when I was young (pre mid 1980s.) If I was 30-ish now, and pregnant, I would 100% choose c-section. No way I would have a vaginal birth.

I know a number of women who had traumatic ones in the 1990s when I had mine - and I know women NOW in the 2020s who have had them. Nothing has moved on a single inch in 35-40 years. Childbirth (vaginal birth) is still as traumatic for some as it's been since the late 1980s/early 1990s, (when they had all those issues in the hospitals like Princess Royal and Royal Shrewsbury Hospitals in Shropshire.)

My friend's daughter (aged 33,) had a dreadful birth some 6 months ago, haemorrhaged and everything, and was in and out of hospital week after week, after still bleeding 3-4 months later. She's only just starting to feel OK-ish, but has been damaged 'down there' and needs surgery to fix it. My next door neighbour's sister (aged 32) has just had a very similar experience. (Had her baby in mid February,) and her mum had to move in with her as she couldn't cope/can't cope, due to the birth being so traumatic, and causing her birth injuries too. There are many similar stories I could speak about....

I don't know WHY this keeps happening.

I guess coz it's only women hey?!

@pyrl2026 I genuinely can't fathom why any woman would 'grieve' missing out on a vaginal birth!

...

I’m missing the c sections I wished I’d had. I’m not even joking. I’m in my 60’s and the damage still causes issues. I think I will have to have surgery at some point.

@pyrl2026I know exactly how you feel. I had an elective section for a few reasons and I know logically it was the right decision to get my child here safely but I can't help but feel like I haven't experienced something that a lot of other mothers have. I can't relate to their birth stories. I will never know what a contraction feels like or what pushing feels like and I can't help but feel a bit sad about that, despite knowing it was the right choice.

I had vaginal births but “failed” to breastfeed both times and have always felt sadness about that.

Honestly, I think there’s a whole industry around birth and babies which sets women up to believe they are inadequate in some way, most of my friends struggled with feeling that they hadn’t done things right in one way or another.

Be kind to yourself, I’m a few years down the line now and those feelings do fade and it gets much easier.

Speak to your hv or counsellor..try to focus on the baby and child you have . They do not care how they were born ..and for you will be distant memory in few years

‘I don’t regret not having a vaginal birth (or a ‘proper birth’ as my DH’s ex so kindly put it)’
I cannot believe she said that. How
awful of her. Would she prefer you had no intervention and you and/or your baby had died? Congratulations on your healthy babies @mondaytosunday!
@pyrl2026 congratulations on your babies and wishing you joy x

My first was a planned section due to a health condition I have and I did grieve for the ‘natural birth’ I couldn’t have. I felt like I had missed out on something fundamentally female and I genuinely felt really sad about it and would frequently get upset about it. I hated it that I didn’t know what it felt like to have a contraction or what it felt like to push my baby out and deliver them and it did make me feel really low at times.

When it came to my second baby I knew I would have to have another planned section but as Sod’s Law would have it, I went into natural labour 3 days before my section. I went to Maternity and was put on the emergency list for a CS but ultimately I was in labour for about 15 hours before I got my section.

The delay in getting my section meant I got to experience contractions for 15 hours and Jesus Christ, they HURT! There was nothing wonderful about them or and I soon forgot about my previous ideas of them being something “fundamentally female” that all women should have the wonder of experiencing…. they were fucking awful 🤣

Forget about the horrible parts that you avoided and instead just focus on the absolute blessing that you got: your beautiful babies.