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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

227 replies

mumtobesoon · 16/05/2008 17:29

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

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expatinscotland · 16/05/2008 17:31

It's your body.

You birth how you want.

I'd hire a doula.

I wouldn't want someone who wasn't supported of how I chose to give birth around, tbh.

MarsLady · 16/05/2008 17:33

ditto expat. He's clearly ignorant in the matters of childbirth.

Lulumama · 16/05/2008 17:35

i thikn he is failing to see the bigger picture here

if teh security of your marriage depends on the tightness of your fanjo then i would be worried

the pregnancy itself puts a strain on your pelvic floor, so you still need to do your excercises

4th degree tears are very, very rare

a waterbirth is a great way to help keep your perineum intact as the water supports you.

it also helps things to stretch

an active birth is also good as allows you to move and lsiten to your body, thereby reducing the risk of a forceps or ventouse delivery

surgery is not an easy option, there are risks for you and the baby,. of course a v.b has risks too,but do not go into having a section just to preserve your fanjo

your DH needs to educate himself about the realities of pregnancy and birth.

Your body will be changed by pregnancy , your breasts, abdomen and perineal area aswell as your vagina . a section will preserve your vagina,. but at what cost to you? and your self esteem?

expatinscotland · 16/05/2008 17:36

Did he marry your fanny or you? Did he marry for sex or for you?

What if you went incontinent because of illness or disease?

What if you had some type of illness that meant sex was out of a while?

What if the shoe were on teh other foot? Would you dump him?

As for a man who shags someone else because of his wife's health problems, well, I'd say I was better off without such a shallow git in my life and that she (the OW) is welcome to him.

PosieParker · 16/05/2008 17:36

Your husband is being plain selfish, lots of women who have natural births have fabulous sex lives hence many children!!
I am pro choice on labour/caesarean as I've had three of them, but pro mother's choice for mother's reasons not ill informed dh's thinking that the baby would stretch a woman's vagina so much that it woldn't retract. Your poo doesn't fall out of your bum just because you've had one before does it?
If his ex's fanjo was so great why isn't he with her?
Get some accurate information and baffle your dh with fact, besides there's a greater risk that you die and the baby has respiritory problems if delivered via c-section. Maybe you wouldn't feel like a good shag if you were dead???

Lulumama · 16/05/2008 17:37

i would nominate expat as teh Voice of Reason , second only to Aitch

belgo · 16/05/2008 17:38

Agree with expat. The doula is a very good idea.

rachaelsara · 16/05/2008 17:38

Are you rich enough to pay for a c-section? I don't think you can have one to order...

coppertop · 16/05/2008 17:38

Would your dh be prepared to have a medically unneccesary operation just to please you?

(Obviously not meaning that all elective c/s are medically unneccessary)

Original poster
mumtobesoon · 16/05/2008 17:39

Yes, I'm really beginning to think about this obsession about a tight fanny. Since when is that the only way to have fun in bed???

Posie, you made me laugh.

OP posts:
NotABanana · 16/05/2008 17:39

I can't think of anything to say that doesn't involve calling your husband what he is.

Do not let him bully you into this. Is he going to tell the surgeon why he wants the section (or more likely make you make something up) or is there enough money to buy yourself a major operation?

My first baby was born by emergency section and I can't have anymore because of it.

Think about it.

Lulumama · 16/05/2008 17:39

what has your DH said will happen if you don;t agree and go for a waterbirth?

MarsLady · 16/05/2008 17:40

what lulu said!

coppertop · 16/05/2008 17:40

Maybe he could book himself in for a penis enlargement operation just in case you end up being stretched by childbirth?

MrsPuddleduck · 16/05/2008 17:40

I have had two c-sections now - certainly not through choice.

It is a major operation - you can't lift the kettle for weeks - not to mention the added risks of surgery.

You should stand your ground on this one.

cyteen · 16/05/2008 17:40

Is it possible that he's scared about things going wrong and is focusing all his anxiety on one thing, i.e. the possibility of change to your sex life? I agree he is sounding very selfish and certainly you SHOULD NOT feel pressured to do anything other than what is right for you and your body. He needs to get educated about all the different aspects of childbirth.

Also, has he not considered that having a small baby is going to change your sex life anyway!

I hope you both can find a way to communicate so that he understands that where your body is concerned, your needs come first

Original poster
mumtobesoon · 16/05/2008 17:41

Yes, rachael, on private terms the doctors do as you tell them (IME). But he expressed concern that a VB was best (I mean it's nature right). And I guess he sensed I wanted to ask questions and wish something different for me but dh immediately moved to c-sec.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 16/05/2008 17:42

you need to speak to your doctor on your own about what is best for you and your baby.

you are his patient, not your husband.

i'd phone and ask for a phone consultation or an appointment for just you.

Lulumama · 16/05/2008 17:44

of course VB is best

there is no medical reason here why you should have a c.section

especially as you want to have a waterbirth !

Lulumama · 16/05/2008 17:45

best in this scenario .

does your DH understand that a c.section is major abdominal surgery?

so, if you go for a v.b what will he do? will he support your decision?

Original poster
mumtobesoon · 16/05/2008 17:45

NotABanana, I'm sorry to hear about your experience.

Copper, I actually like the idea.

Lulu: He said it was my choice. Then silence. If anything goes wrong I guess he'll moan. I don't know.

His mum had 3 big boys and wanted a 4th. He never judged her.

OP posts:
Lulumama · 16/05/2008 17:48

hmm, so he has expressed a very, very strogn preference that overrides your wants dna needs and goes silent on you

c.s is not risk free. if you have one and someting does go wrong, you will blame him surely?

you need to be clear in your mind, what you want. and then how you will get it. if your DH cannot support you then hire a doula. or an independent midwife and have a homebirth in water !

Original poster
mumtobesoon · 16/05/2008 17:49

Lulu, I think he will support. I think he's scared. More scared than I am.

In the 2nd c-section he saved his ex's life, they didn't give her enough adrenaline and her heart rate failed.

Maybe he will come 'round. I don't know.

Have started to go to ante-natal yoga and signed up for hypno birthing.

His ex has sniggered about women wanting a natural birth though saying same stuff about loose sleeves and things All this despite her nearly dying.

OP posts:
MarsLady · 16/05/2008 17:50

Then he needs to go to antenatal classes with you and to stop listening to the jealousy of his ex!

wonderstuff · 16/05/2008 17:51

I had a straight forward vaginal birth and wouldn't have changed it for te world, it was an amasing experince, feeling her slither out, and i did need some stitches but I healed and was able to care for my new born so much better than if i had had c section. really go for your water birth, you will really regret it if you dont try to get the birth you want. I'd give birth again tomorrow