My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

[mumtobesoon]

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

If he is scared, fine, but it doesn't give him the right to bully you or scare you with what he thinks might happen.

Expat, I take your advice and will contact my doctor to see if he can recommend a doula. There's one working with him, maybe I can book her. I'm nearly 5 months.

quite, mars. he needs to stop looking at this from his and his exes persepctive and from yours primarily.

my dh also wanted me to have a c-section but not for fanjo related reasons...he just didn't want to see me go through the pain..i didn't listen and had a vaginal delivery and now Im traumatized by childbirth and can't imagine ever doing it again..I had also planned a water birth and didnt get it- ended up with pethadine, gas n air and an epidural after I got stuck at 2 cm for hours and hours with a 9 pound baby.at the end of the day both options have pros and cons but your dh has to respect your decision. after my dh expressed his opinion and I dismissed it, he was 110 % behind me (to use Apprentice speak and I couldnt have done it without him. Hopefully your dh will get behind you no matter what you decide.

a doula can also help allay your husband's fears and help you determine what you want, including during the labour.

mars is a doula !

Hi Mumtobesoon!

Firstly, congratulations!

I've been in a reasonably similar situation - I've chosen to have an elective CS and actually go in tomorrow morning.

DH was fully supportive of this idea and, TBH, I think he wouldn't have been too keen for me to attempt natural childbirth. He's certainly more than keen for an El CS.

You are right; Going private will pretty much buy you the right (but expect to pay more for elective CS!)

BUT (and this is one helluva but!) I was also in favour of a CS. YOu aren't.

I would absolutely recommend a doula. I have one, even though I'm having an El CS and she has been a godsend. Just talking to me and being there to answer questions and go through the alternatives in a non judgmental way. I cannot recommend it highly enough.
YOu mention that he's been married before and his ex had C-sections.... so perhaps you might mention to him that they are not the great marriage saving devices he thinks they are!!!

I think a happy wife is a far more important ingredient to a happy sex life!

LOL at 'having nothing better to do that screw a 17YO' - I hope to GOD that wasn't his actual excuse!!!

EP, yours is a very very good experience re the help of your dh. That support is everything!

Hello YCB, oh I read your post with interest. I shall be keeping my fingers crossed for you tomorrow!! You got a doula despite C-sec? That's new to me.

I have read up like crazy about EL CS and EM CS, I have pestered people with questions. I would like to try and give birth naturally. In water if possible, with dh witnessing it and me having the strength to do it.

That colleague claimed he missed sex and got it from a young impressionable girl. I was disgusted when I heard of it. I guess if you have a partner like that you don't need enemies.

If that is what you want you absolutly should go for it

Thanks!

Yes, I have a doula and a C-section planned!

My doula is still coming with me tomorrow. She really has been worth her weight in gold and I would really recommend you look in to one (whereabouts are you?)

my DH would abolsutely definitely certainly not want to 'witness' the birth. Even with the CS, he'll be there if he can stay at 'the head end'!!

He's not great with stuff like that and, TBH, I wouldn't want him 'down there' IYSWIM

it does need to be your decision though... an el. CS is right for me and my DH... Has your DH given you the reasons he's so keen?

yes, sex life is one, but does he feel it's safer, less painful etc? My DH did have some other reasons - knowing the date, organising stuff with his other kids etc., these might be considerations your DH has too?

As for the colleague - >

I'm in Central London.

DH thinks it's better for the body (no bladder, uterus problems later in life).

I'd like 3 or even 4 kids. (I know, I'll make my mind up once I have one, but that's my vision and having 3 or more c-sec's scare me.) He believes he's more in control and says that the unknown possible interventions in a VB are horrific. (Suction cups, episiotomy, forceps, etc.)

My doctor has hinted at trying to get a VB and doing a diagonal pre-emptive small cut to help baby, instead of going for a c-sec.

I think if it's right for you, it's great.

you might not even need an episiotomy! many women don;t nor do they tear. i didn;t for one.

also, during a c.s the bladder can be knicked, also scar tissue and adhesions can cause bladder and other issues , so surgery is not the easy answer, also multiple c.sections increase the risk of scar adhesions and internal issues, so he is kidding himself if he thinks it is going to be a no risk alternative

Dh is wrong, vb is better for body, you heal much better, much quicker, some of the outcomes for cs are pretty awful too

My perinum stayed in tact, i'd avoid an episiotomy if pos, tears often heal more quickly than surgical cuts, I go an internal tear, but it was stitched and healed, a bit unpleasent, but really not a biggy

I had 3rd degree tear and ventouse. certainly not pleasant but no apparent problems now eg with sex life. Why on earth would your sex life become horrible? Have the birth you want. Research it, take ownership of it or you will without doubt regret it for the rest of your life. Getting your dh on board is well out of my remit, his attitude on this issue is controlling and inconsiderate.

Having a csection increases your risk of a whole raft of complications in the next pregnancy.

The official NHS leaflet says that a cs makes you more likely to ... long list of stuff ... "have no more children".

I had one of those complications in my 2nd pg and ds1 was born prematurely. In my 3rd pg I had a worse cs-induced complication, spent months in hospital on the antenatal ward, lost 16 pints of blood giving birth (a cs under GA), and had a hysterectomy.

I have a 10 inch vertical scar now. Ds2 is 5 months old and we haven't had sex yet cos I can't bear the thought of dh touching the scar.

There are more ways than one to damage your sex life!

Actually, babies can put paid to your sex life rather thoroughly even when they don't cause any damage on the way out. Its a good job they're so cute.

How about you agree to a section if he has his penis cut to be better for you?

Walnut, how good to hear you got through the birth so well and healed.

Fruitful, I'm so very sorry to hear your story What a horrific story. I don't know what else to say. I hope you will heal well!!!

When I saw the consultant after ds's (tricky) birth, she said she wouldn't recommend a c section to anyone who wanted more than two children. I am no expert, but if you really do want up to four children then you need to think that through.

No cutting please. What about pumps for him when my fanjo falls to the floor? LOL.

It took 37 minutes for the surgeon to saw through my scar with my last section, she had to carefully cut away my bladder that was stuck to the underneath of the scar. I'm having my fourth in the autumn, holy shit!

Not sure or not if it is a good thing you are lol.

Your husband wants you to have major surgery for no good reason.

Have a vaginal delivery, and if there's any tears, perhaps he could request and extra stitch?

or request a designer vagina if he's so keen on surgery.

I'm sorry, but ....

OMG Posie, hope it goes better!! Will you then have had al 4 as CS? Sorry for snooping. I'm surprised it is possible nowadays.