My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

[mumtobesoon]

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

I don't only want my dh to agree with the VB (he's already said 'What ever you want'), I want his full and utter support, no matter what. I want the absolution not having to hear 'I told you so', if something doesn't go according to plan.

Hi MtB - the creaky old joints are getting a bit better thanks - some lasting damage - but think I got off quite likely. Hope I didn't freak you out...I mean it was life-saving and we're all in one piece...and HELL ...I'm doing it all again in 2 weeks !! Just wanted to say that things do go a bit awry at times - you just don't think you'll be the unlucky one. Think it was signing the form in cold daylight and listening to the risks..last time I just scribbled anything after 16 hours in labour!!

Reading the thread again - it sounds like you've got loads of good advice and ideas x

It sounds to me from what you're saying as though as fear more than anything is governing what he saying to you. Also it alarms me that he is referring to his ex's opinion and experiences in the matter. Granted, you are a rookie mum, but he sounds traumatised by the whole thought of you giving birth the way nature intended. Has he had bad experiences in the past of being told about other women's appalling labours? Sounds to me like maybe his mother has reminded him frequently that she was "in labour for 78 hours and ripped from here to here" when he was little. These are not the reactions of a mature, grown man. He needs some adult, reassuring information. Have you booked in for NCT antenatal classes? They might help to balance up the info he has and put it in context.

Mumtobesoon - I won't repeat all that's already been said here. You've had some good advice and I really hope your dh gets on side, and fast.

I would, however, be fascinated to know how he saved his ex-wife on the operating table? He is sounding rather like an obstetrician - is he one? Or does he just have a somewhat over-inflated view of his position in the universe?

JJ, oh dear. I hope you will get better and fully heal. Most of all I'm wishing you a safe delivery in two weeks and am anticipating the good news on birth announcements Good luck!!

Duchesse: I don't know why he fears it so much. He likes to keep things under control in general and I guess a natural birth means letting go of plans and he's against that, thinking a very medicated approach will narrow risks. Yes, he has medical knowledge and thinks a strategic approach can lessen the likelihood of spontaneous interventions such as ventouse, etc.

But on the other hand, as others have said, he won't be very useful as an advocate for you in that case. You may be better off having a birth partner who agrees with you about your way of birthing your baby, and will stand up for your wishes should they be needed. How long have you got before your due date?

Also, do you know about the active birthing centre in north London?

Mumtobesoon - have you considered consulting a top notch independent midwife? Not necessarily to book her for the birth (although I'd highly recommend this - if you want to maximise your chances of a good birth experience - definitely worth the money), but as a sort of 'consultant'? It wouldn't cost much. She could counsel your DH - he obviously does have some unresolved fears about childbirth (given his previous experience it's hardly surprising) and perhaps challenge some of his assumptions about childbirth from a position of knowledge, give him and you the confidence to go for a natural birth. I really think it'd be a good thing to do.

GOD! what a self centred, ignorant and controlling man you have there! I'm sorry, but it insenses me to hear of men like this.

I laboured in water with my Ds in '98 when waterbirths weren't very well used. I couldn't deliver him as he turned his head and I ended up having forceps delivery(though they may have had to do a CS). I didn't labour in water with my Dd in late '06 as MW kept me out of the water far longer than I wanted, but I only had a 1st degree tear and delivered her in the water pool. You have to be happy with what you choose. Waterbirth is fantastic, I'd recommend it big time. Go with what you want honey, you'll feel far better about yourself, your hubby and your baby if you have control of the whole thing. A Doula could be what you need as she will be supportive of your choices etc and you will feel as though you have a friend on your side(ifswim).
Do your pelvic floor exercises both now and afterwards and you'll be fine.
Babies change every dynamic of your life and relationships. You are tired and often don't have the energy for sex, so your dh might have to grow up a bit I think. Parenthood is fantastic, but life takes a different route once you have children.
Don't be bullied into anything. Good luck.

I have to agree with duchesse that it's really important to make sure that your birth preferences will be respected. Maybe as you are paying for private treatment you can organise that before the birth. If not, I would seriously consider a doula or another birth partner (sister/friend?). I don't think that you can rely on you husband to fight for your wishes, not only because he's trying to influence you so much, but also because there is a strong possibility that he will be so freaked out by the experience.

My DH would have agreed to have had both my legs amputated when I finally delivered DD - not because he had disagreed with me over my birth preferences, just because he was so scared about DD's safety. He told me that he found the whole thing "brutal" and is still trying to get over it. (I had a particularly long and difficult labour BTW, it runs in my family and you are very unlikely to go through the same thing .)

He was in the theatre with her and the drip which was suposed to give her adrenaline wasn't dripping down. He heard the beeps and saw the heart rate failing and activated the drip before the junior assistant NHS doc got his finger out of his a*se.

He's ex Forces and medically trained and he's male, combine these and get top notch position in universe

Duchesse, no I hadn't heard of the centre yet. Thanks for the link.

Solo, thanks for sharing your experience and giving me another ray of hope. You sound really content. Lord, I know I have to make more effort in pelvic floor exercises: I just coughed quite violently and tinkled Argh!!!

[bows out and puts on Tena Lady XXX strong]

mumtobesoon, I have to be honest, I'm not good with the pelvic floor, through other illness mostly and nothing to do with pg or childbirth. You can get help if you do have poor muscle tone and there is always a way to improve. It's far, far easier once you don't have the weight of your baby in your belly too!
I'm assuming that you are quite a lot younger than me(I'm 44 and would never be pushed into something so important that I wasn't happy with, but I'm quite strong most of the time)and I feel absolutely sure that you will find the strength to choose the birth that you will be happy with and perhaps your Dh will have his eyes opened as to the true beauty of a natural vb.
It's just a fantastic experience to birth your baby and then put it to your breast within a few minutes.
Oh, and yes, I am content with my beautiful Dc's now, they are my world.

'My Dad's just had prostate cancer surgery and dribbles and is effectively not able to have an erection but my Mum let me know that there are ways 'around it' and she's a happy lady '

OT, but my dad had prostatectomy for prostate cancer and the first few months after the op, YES, he had urinary incontinence problems. It's very common after this procedure and he even had a subsequent procedure with Botox injections in his bladder to help.

It does get better with time and exercise, though!

It's been a few years and he now reports that things are 'back to normal' - I didn't ask beyond that, LOL!

It's a serious procedure but there's plenty of hope for men who've had it.

Plus, he's stayed cancer-free!

Oh expat, no one told my Dad about poss. botox injections. Must let him know. He was quite down in the beginning but can control his bladder a bit better. In the beginning it was really gushing whenever he got up.

Thanks for the encouragement on that side!

solo: I'm 28 and know what you mean. My Mum was over 40 when she had me. She's never even thought about consulting my Dad but went with what felt best to her. It ended up in an EM C-sec and she was shocked but said that's life she said. She is encouraging me to go VB.

I'll search for videos to show dh and speak to a doula with him. I'm sure we'll come to a solution in the end.

It's only IF things don't improve with the physio and time, though, mum, that they start to explore other ways that can help a man regain continence after prostate surgery.

But it's quite common, especially in the beginning.

As my dad's surgeon said, 'My first priority with this is to remove all the cancer, my second to do the best I can to preserve future urinary continence and finally his sexual function.'

But he was well prepared that these latter two would be slow to return no matter what because, after all, it's major surgery to that part of the body and my dad was already in his 60s.

It did take time, but eventually, it returned.

Oh, and my dad said, after hte gushing part - he was actually on a catheter for a while before and after the surgery, he said when you have to go, you have to go. You must plan to be near a toilet at all times for a while.

I have to say that I utterly ignored my partner's views on both birth (I had my second baby at home - he was really unhappy about my plans to do this, not least because the first birth had been rather horrible) and breastfeeding (I fed said child for bleedin' ages).

My body. My choice.

Sounds like your DH is unaware of the risks involved with c-sections. Could you enlist your doctor's help? Make an appointment to see him on your own and explain that actually you don't want an elective C-section, and ask him to explain to your DH at next appointment what the risks are.

Then if you are all set to go ahead with a vaginal birth, ditch the doctor and hire a midwife - will improve your chances. Although your doc sounds nice, normal birth isn't really a doctor thing.

I'm sorry but I can't imagine him interfering during surgery and administering adrenaline would have gone down at all well. He was bloody lucky not to get chucked out of the theatre. The staff would very quickly have noticed that her heart rate was dipping, and administered the right amount of whatever. He on the other hand, could have killed her, not being trained as an anaesthetist and all that. Anaesthetists have to train for a year longer than any other doctor- it is a highly specialised area and they would not put untrained people onto the job-the lawsuits would break a hospital trust (you know, avoidable damage and all that).

I would take this claim with a very large pinch of salt and make he is NEVER in an operating theatre with you! Also I would personally ban him from the delivery room (send him down to the pub, traditional-like). He sounds like a control freak who would seriously inhibit you from doing what comes naturally. Sorry. You need a calm, relaxed person to mentor you through this. I am doubtful that this is your husband. I do think that having the husband present should not be mandatory- I have a friend who has twice been dragged out of theatre by the ankles after passing out during his wife's planned C sections (once crashing through the trolley of instruments).

I agree duchesse

He sounds a bit like a control freak.

Umm, this is going a bit off-topic and I really don't want to start slagging your dh anymore than is necessary but...

...in my limited experience with c-sections, adrenaline is not given as a continuous IV infusion - i.e it wouldn't be 'dripping through a bag'. If it's needed, it's given as a bolus dose straight into the cannula in your hand. Sounds more as if he was messing with a bag of saline.

I'm not an anaesthetist, of course, and would be more than happy to be proved to be talking out of my arse, but it does sound a bit, umm, unlikely?

Oh, I'm sure there's some doc or nurse around the boards who will be on in a mo' to verifiy.

For sure, expat, and to tell me I am unsafe and shouldn't be allowed anywhere near an operating theatre myself

Nah, probably to launch into one of those amazingly scientific explanations of why people are not administered epinephrine or adrenaline or the like on a drip.

Perhaps you coud ask you dh if he'd like an enema (sp?) instead of having a normal poo, or would he like the choice???