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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

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Original poster

My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

227 replies

mumtobesoon · 16/05/2008 17:29

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

OP posts:

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Original poster

mumtobesoon · 16/05/2008 19:07

I have to go but I'll come back later. I'm finding a bit of solace now in all your answer. Thanks for sharing your stories and experiences. I've never received so much insight before.

OP posts:

bearmama · 16/05/2008 19:08

I planned a VB but ended up with a C section. As others have said it is not the easy option. As for those comments about "loose sleeves"...FFS

foxythesnowfox · 16/05/2008 19:09

I am genuinely shocked by your DH. I've had 4 natural births and no complaints from DP.

He's just so bloody grateful when it happens

Seashell71 · 16/05/2008 19:14

Mumtobesoon, if making sure that your fanjo remains tight is very important to you, then an elective is the only way to guarantee you that!
Chance are with a vb everything will go well and you won't tear badly, but I speak from experience: even with a minor tear your fanjo will feel different.

I have just had an elective (to protect my pelvic floor) and it was a great birth experience. Would never have a vb again! Yes, actively birthing your baby is fantastic, but it comes at a price (risking your sex life), so for me it's a no brainer.
Good luck and I hope your dh supports you whatever you decide to go for.

PosieParker · 16/05/2008 19:14

All four!! Two emergency.

Original poster

mumtobesoon · 16/05/2008 19:17

Wow, Posie!

Seashell: Thanks for letting me know how it went. I will keep it in mind.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 16/05/2008 19:20

your vagina also changes with age. it loses elasticity as hormone levels drop with perimenopause and menopause.

regardless of whether you've given birth through it or not, it will change with age and it won't be like a 20-year-old's forever, just like the rest of the body.

Seashell71 · 16/05/2008 19:21

Mumtobesoon, if there's anything you want to ask me about the elective please feel free. If you want I could email you my birthplan. Also you could have a look at
[www.electivecesarean.com]]

ib · 16/05/2008 19:26

Dh says I am tighter now than I was before ds.

Pelvic floor exercises are the key.

I did lots of stretching before the birth and birthed in water, did not tear at all.

My guess is that, like some women who have had cs and aren't happy with it, has focussed on what could have happened to her vagina if she'd had a vb, and banged on about it. She probably scared him to death with horror stories.

I haven't done one, but several people have recommended hypnobirthing courses as a great way of addressing men's fears about cb. Maybe worth considering?

BlueberryPancake · 16/05/2008 19:34

1- your fanjo will change with age, wether or not you have a natural birth or c sec. It will change down there and you will have looser skin.
2- if you don't do pelvic floor exercises, your v will get looser, wether or not you have a natural birth
3- plenty of women out there have stress incontinence after a c-section. THere are risks associated with the surgery which can cause fecal incontinence as well either temporary or permanent.
4- Had a discussion with others on this board some time ago and many women who had C sections couldn't have sex for a long time. I know it sounds daft, as baby came through the roof top, but I had too much pain in the vaginal area to have sex for ages after C sec. Don't ask me why, just did, and lots of others have experienced that as well.
5- your boobs will change, wether you bfeed or not. And they will go south wether you have children or not
6- because of hormones, after the baby you may not have the same sex drive as before, and that can take a long time to get back to what it was before.
7- if you can afford a private c section, you can afford reconstructive surgery in case you tear. Or he can pay for it.

I'm really not impressed by the level of ignorance men sometimes, they just haven't got a clue.

PosieParker · 16/05/2008 19:38

BP,
My libido has never wained, always pretty high especially in pg, poor dp!!!

BlueberryPancake · 16/05/2008 19:39

same here babe, high libido during pregnancy is very common, it's afterwards that it changes. Don't want to scare you though

nickytwotimes · 16/05/2008 19:41

mumtobesoon - totally at your dh.
Ask him to get a fatter cock instead!
FWIW, I find sex even better since vaginal birth. Anyway, the pressure on your pelvic floor affects the muscles even without going through delivery.

Thefearlessfreak · 16/05/2008 19:54

This reply has been withdrawn

This post has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns

Doobydoo · 16/05/2008 19:57

Bloody hell.He sounds like a total twit.God help you if ever anything serious happens to you.

littlepinkpixie · 16/05/2008 20:08

Dont underestimate the effects of pregnancy on your pelvic floor, no matter how the baby comes out in the end. Pelvic floor exercises will help enormously though.

I have had both types of delivery, and I dont think that there is much to recommend one method over another for the aspect you are worried about (obviously there are lot of other pros and cons!).

I recovered my normal body shape very quickly after my VB, but after the C sections my belly took much much longer to go down and I think the overhang will never go away.

PosieParker · 16/05/2008 20:24

BP, this is my fourth pregnancy and my last baby did not stop crying for eight months, that did help my libido subside for a couple of months. Otherwise it's go go gadget groovin'!!

nkf · 16/05/2008 20:28

He wants you to have surgery so your fanny stays tight? Yuk. He sounds disgusting. In fact, that view is one of the nastiest things I've ever read on MN. Sorry to be so blunt but I'm truly shocked.

emma1977 · 16/05/2008 20:42

Sorry, but your husband sounds like a prize arse for even suggesting you have an elective C section to keep your vag tight for him!

It has made me remember a obstetric registrar I used to work with. Whenever she was stitching up a tear after delivery and had some nob of a partner say 'stick a couple of extra ones in for me' she would reply 'so have you got a small dick then?'. That would usually shut them up.

Any obstetrician with any integrity would never agree to this anyway.

WideWebWitch · 16/05/2008 20:45

Gosh, how dare he?
I'm quite shocked.

littlepinkpixie · 16/05/2008 20:48

emma What a great comeback.

Youcannotbeserious · 16/05/2008 20:51

Please don't jump all over the OP. She asked for advice.

I think quite a few men want thier wives to have El CS... As long as the woman is happy with it, then there is no problem.

The rpoblem here is that the OP isn't happy.

She doesn't need to hear that her DH is a nob / wanker / tosser.... she needs sensible advice about the pros and cons of an El CS...

I still recommend a doula (I'd recommend mine, personally, if you are in the South East) to provide independant, non-judgemental advice to most closely achieve the birthing experience the woman wants.

nkf · 16/05/2008 20:54

I don't know Serious. Sometimes women do need to be told that their husband's point of view is disgusting. She sounds caught up in something rather unpleasant to me. Tight fannies, feels compared with ex-wife.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2008 20:54

she didn't ask for advice about elective csection.

she says she doesn't want one and he does because he wants her fanny to stay tight.

she says she feels pressured to have surgery she doesn't want.

anyone who does that to someone else is a fuckwit.

expatinscotland · 16/05/2008 20:56

Gawd, I hope I don't bring up my daughters to go along with a husband's wishes to have unecessary major surgery because of his fuckwittage.

I'd feel I had failed them totally if they ever took up with someone like that, much less put up with it.

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