My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

[mumtobesoon]

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

I have problems because I had to have an emergency section. Why put yourself through something you don't need too?

Im at him don't know what else to say really ..without calling him names!!

I think that elective sections should be easily available to any woman that wants one, just as one to one midwifery support and access to a birthing pool and/or supportive care during a homebirth should be available.
I think that you should make the choice that you want not that your dh wants. It's your body, not his.

fuckwittage........

Seriously, though, would the feeling as stong if the woman wanted a CS and her huby prefered a natural birth?

Or should a bloke just stay out of it?

And, if he should, should a woman expect his support through the labour / birthing experience (whatever kind) ?

The others here have given you so much words of wisdom regards to the birth issue, I will just focus on the fanjo.

I too had an extremely tight fanjo, to the point of penetrative sex being slightly painfull at the beginning of intercourse.

After my second child was born, I felt like a wide open tunnel. I kid you not. I could literally put my hand in, wave to my fallopian tubes, and feel nothing. I did lots of exercises. And with time, it has tightened up. (My son is nearly 3) Meanwhile, there are other positions to try which will give the impression of fanjo tighter than it really is. Do not let this put you off at all.

The point is, the birth is happening to her body, not his. If she wants the elective csection after coming to an informed decision, well, it's her body.

But that's not the case here.

She's feeling pressured because her ignoramous husband's chief concern is her postpartum minge.

I support my spouse in what he decides to do with his body even I don't agree with it - like get another tattoo.

Because he's my partner. It is his body and not mine.

It is pregnancy just as much as vaginal delivery that affects the pelvic floor.

Could you not have a private appointment with someone specialised in pelvic floor issues to help shed light on this? BUPA hospitals have specialists in this. You can have an appointment without a referral.

Firstly apols if I repeat what's already been said - I'm afraid I don't have time to read all the threads.

I'll deal with your husband's concerns first.

He is plainly wrong about the tight fanjo thing. He's never had a baby, so he's taken one example out of the billions of births that have happened on this planet and has extrapolated the most absurd 'rule' about birth that I've ever heard.
Basically he doesn't know what he's talking about. I had a 3rd degree tear, was sewn up a bit small (only on the outside lip - sorry for detail!) and am about to have a minor op to fix that. However, my fanjo has never been tighter. Even if you are one of the extremely unlucky 5% or so who have 3rd, let alone 4th degree tears, so long as you keep up pelvic floor lifts you'll be fine with regard to tightness. A little leakage may possibly occur occasionally but only if you don't do the lifts every week or so.

Lots of women on this site have said their fanjos were tighter than ever after having a baby, because giving birth forces you to get to know your body better than ever and gives you a determination to fix whatever's out of joint.

If you have a elective caesarean he had better be prepared take 6-8 weeks off work to be at your beck and call because it will be a HUGE problem for you to look after your newborn when your stomach muscles are trying to build themselves back again. Is he willing to do that?

Okay, now I'll get onto you.

Congratulations! You're about to do the most amazing and extraordinary thing you've ever done, and every day you'll keep on telling yourself what an amazing miracle you've produced! When your bambino/a starts smiling/ eating/ crawling/ talking/ walking/ making jokes (this will all happen within 18months, believe me!) you will cry with joy and amazement at what you've achieved.

Are you feeling unsure or anxious about anything apart from the husband/ fanjo issue? I was TERRIFIED of the idea of giving birth between the years of 16 - 32. When I was preggers I went to ante-natal yoga (if you can find classes run by a doula I highly recommend it as she'll most likely give you great instruction and confidence on everything you need to know about giving birth). I also bought a hypnobirthing CD (you can get it from the NCT), which made a huge difference. My attitude to birth was transformed.

I had a 2 day labour during which I took 2 paracetamols to 'take the edge off' the pain (hahahaha! some midwife's suggestion!). I used singing (low humming, so it vibrated in my womb) to counteract the pain, then got to hosp at 7cm dilated and had about half a canister of gas and air before it was time to push.

I had special complications which led to my tear - most women will not have this. Even so, I was so high on endorphins that when I was in surgery I was still singing!! If I, with my former terror of birth, could achieve all that, no woman should feel too afraid to go for it.

You are wise to consider a water birth - I'm sure you know all the reasons why that's a great choice. Also staying on your hands and knees/ suspended from ropes, etc, are all great positions to ensure that your body gives birth more effectively. If you end up on your bum (like I did) it's bad for baby (cuts off blood supply as major artery to womb passes alongside the pelvis) and means your muscles don't use gravity.

I also had the most amazing birth partner husband, who deserves a medal and made the whole experience incredibly positive for me.

Your husband is unlikely to change his views. Much as it would be beneficial for him (and you) to witness the birth, if I were you I would (1) get some info from a doula about how important the emotional atmosphere is to the birthing woman; (2) armed with this info, tell him that he has made you very anxious about giving birth and you are concerned that his presence may have a harmful impact on your labour. Ask him to consider whether he is willing to support your decisions about birth. Tell him that if he is not 100% for your wishes (and it has to be 100%) that you will not allow him into the birthing room at the most vulnerable and sensitive time of your life. Give him time to mull it over. Be prepared to have a positive, close, supportive friend on standby (preferably one who's had a natural birth). If you can't find such a friend I'd definitely go for a doula.

This is an essay!

I nearly died after a c section due to severe hemorrhage afterwards, had to be opened up again and was in HDU for 3 days unable to see my son. I had tubes and drains everywhere. It's not an easy option. I find your DH views awful tbh.

Surely it is his ignorance which is the problem?

The OP by coming on here will be able to educate him with the good advice and knowledge available.

I really, really hope the OP isn't feeling insecure and comparing herself/their relationship with his XW/Xrelationship.

His ignorance and her fear, not of how her body might be, but of disappointing her DH? Sorry Mumtobesoon, this is a terrible position for him to put you in.

I think you need to expand your knowledge of both and make your decision, will he support you in that?

Hi again, it's EssayWoman! Have just started a thread polling MN users about the state of their fanjos here

Should provide interesting reading and should hopefully prove to your husband that he needs to learn a thing or two.

Good luck! xxx

I've had a 3rd degree tear and had to have an operation after delivering DD2 and they did a good job and i did my pelvic floor exercises all through pregnancy and after.
And yes my fanjo can crack nuts!

I have the occasional leak and I had a CS. It's the weight of the baby on your bladder, not VB that gives you incontinence.

More Than Words by Extreme! (this from a jazz and world music fan. ahem)

enjoy!

ahem. I posted that on the wrong thread!!

Hello you all, I'm back on. Thanks for all your comments and tips. I'm very well aware of the fact that my dh is selfish and single-minded. Like most men he'd like life to be 24h enjoyment and wants our relationship to stay exactly the same. Well, aving had kids before he should know that this is as likely as rain falling upwards.

I guess it can be summoned up in one verse: Girls grow into young women, become adults and mothers and mature. Their bodies go through different stages and most of them actually enjoy their forties or later much more than their teenage years.

Boys grow into young men but don't really evolve much after it if not led by a strong hand. If they're allowed to be iconsiderate and selfish then that's what they'll be.

I know my dh is lovely and my soul mate in every way BUT he doesn't seem to get his head around the fact that things might change. He also seems very afraid of the uncontrollable nature of babies, birth, etc. I think if I can find a way to alleviate his fears he might start to re-consider him pushing for a CS. He keeps saying it's best for the baby to be delivered by c-sec. No 'uncontrolled' risks of forceps, etc. Whereas I'm personally thinking that I'd like to try what my fanjo was actually created for, too. A birthing canal. I think with yoga and hypnobirthing I'll be better prepared, as well as stretching exercises. I'm sure it'll grow back to normal with exercises and

I have total respect for women that choose a CS because I don't think it's the easy way out. My doctor will let me have whatever I want but has voiced concerns. I think he sensed that I felt pushed into a corner.

I rang him yesterday to ask for a doula and it seems like she is available and I'll make contact with her now to see if she would be so kind and come to see us for coffee one afternoon to help dh understand that it doesn't have to go all wrong. I hope he'll come around.

I know marslady runs antenatal classes in central london and is a doula. her antenatal classes are www.thebabymoon.co.uk.

Having a Doula is aout support, I will support my clients in their decisions, I do not judge, I am there to inform, support, and empower.

I must go as I have a client having her cs this morning.

cx

For all the excellent advice on here I am truly grateful. None of my close friends had kids yet and asking near strangers on their birth experiences and feelings about their bodies and mental preparations is not really a done thing. MN permits me to ask what I daren't in real life.

I'm searching for a way to win my dh over and stop him scaring me with horror stories of his ex and some of her nasty comments which I believe where made out of fear rather than spitefulness. I mean the woman nearly died in an EM CS

I feel pressured by him conjuring images of what can go wrong in a VB and the glorification of a CS which is in fact major surgery and healing depends on the individual's ability to recover.

at the 'husband stitch'
I think there's so much more to sex than tightness. And I think the vag is a muscle that will recover. My Dad's just had prostate cancer surgery and dribbles and is effectively not able to have an erection but my Mum let me know that there are ways 'around it' and she's a happy lady

Thanks for the link hertsnessex!! Really appreciate this!

mumtobesoon - I don't even think my dh has noticed a difference since I've had two babies! And despite two vaginal births and now pregnant again, I've never had any 'dribbling'. I have always been very strict with pelvic floor exercises, and I was also lucky enough to see a specialised physio therapist after both births who helped.

I thought this was a wind up when I first read it but if your dh really does feel this way, I think it would help him to talk to a doula or midwife. Even the Obs if you have one. He sounds frightened more than anything else and seems to have pinned his hopes on the CS because, in his mind, it's predictable and controllable. I can understand that fear actually. I think if you are that sort of person by nature, childbirth is a huge head screw - I remember thinking 'but HOW will I manage if I don't know how long labour will be' etc. It's the fear of the unknown and not being in control.

Perhaps with a doula involved, he will be able to talk about his fears and will feel better having someone around who knows what's going on. I wouldn't write off your water birth just yet but I think your dh might need a fair amount of support to get to that decision (and his ex's scare stories won't be helping!).

I wish it was a wind up fox, sadly it's a repetitive issue with dh who thinks a CS is medically safer and has the effect of virtually allowing me a baby without any change in my girl's body. Well, I think it's a rite of passage to have a child and what comes with it and age and all: everything slightly going south and a more mature nature.

He focuses very much on the tight fanjo thing because it brings both of us pleasure but I believe I can regain that by exercise and the school of thought is that even if you ave an EL CS your pelvic floor, bladder, tum, etc. are weakened and you need to rest and retrain. You might not tear down below but what about repeatedly having kids in short distances through CS. After the 3rd they'll have to cut through lots of scar tissue and I'm worried about that.

After reading all messages a doula is necessary in my mind to speak to him as much as to me. My doctor has one working closely with him and I inquired after meeting her.

Mostly, I'd like to say that my dh is normally lovely and caring, I more and more think it's a control issue after listening between the lines and hearing your stories. I just feel pressured to make the 'right' decision. In his eyes.

He has made noises about coming to hypnobirthing with me though. Do you think that will help him?

I don't know what hypnobirthing is but yes, I agree about him needing to talk about it if that's what happens at these things. It feels like he's pressurising you so that he can go 'phew, don't need to worry about that now' iyswim. His ex may have put the wind up him too about this issue and it's stuck in his head.

(or something like 'everything else changed with my ex after we had the babies but at least the sex was still ok' type thinking).

You obviously love him, so give him a chance with the doula to air his fears and see what happens.

mumtobesoon - I have to say, you are being incredibly mature about this - I'm not sure if I would stay so reasonable if I were in the same position.

It brings to mind my marriage vows: in sickness and in health.

Try and get the stats for your hospital, some men respond better to actual facts and it may be that fear of the unknown is the real problem here, if he has been through c-sections before (that's my charitable approach!)

There does seem to be something missing here though. Up to when you have a baby, sex can often be the key concern. After the baby though the family changes in so many ways, and a woman's body is often just part of that. A fear of change could very well bring rocky times for you all.

Yes there's a chance you will stretch for a bit- I bet I have, I have four! All VB, no interventions. Can't say my DH is any less keen on sex though. It's supposed to involve a maturity thing- you might go from being ultimate sex kitten (for a few weeks anyway), at the same time there should be a new awareness and respect for the woman that birthed his child, and the body that enabled her to do so. Well, that's how my DH says he seees it anyway.

having C-S didn't save his first marriage did it? A marriage needs to be about so much more, part of which is the ability to prioritise your needs at this stage and then adapt the marriage if there are any potential problemns.

Oh and his colleague sounds like a prat! Assuming you haven't maied a prat, don't take that experience into the equation at all.