My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

[mumtobesoon]

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

Strikes me you maybe should have discussed this issue BEFORE you decided to become pregnant.

He doesn't strike me as the type to take notice of a professional with statistics.

re your (correct) theory that the vagina is a muscle and will regain it's strength etc...wuold it be helful to point out to him Paula Ratcliffe's success sicne becoming a mother? Or other notable athlestes who have regained all-over top muscular strength and peak fitness - often surpassing thier previous performance? Your fanjo and stomach muscles will do the same, give a bit of attention and tlc and absence of the very rarer bad luck.

Omfg! He wants you to have major surgery so that his sex life is not affected???? What are you, his blow-up doll? Tell him to grow up. He sounds like a t*sser frankly.

Sorry, I flipped out before the bit where you said you didn't want any name calling.

OMG i feel very sorry for you, i would have thought the most important thing here is to actually get your baby in to the world as safely as possible, not the fact weather your fanjo i still going to be tight after giving birth

I just told dp this & he said it could be more to do with the fact your dh may have a small willy

OMG - do men really think about fanjos when their wives are due to give birth?

Dh and I had a fab sex life before I gave birth to ds vaginaly.

I had a failed ventouse, forceps and an episiotomy. I had internal and external stitches.

I did my pelvic floor exercises, I don't dribble and we still have a good sex life. Plus a wonderful ds.

Your dh is acting liek a knob.

Lots of women say sex is better after childbirth (or is it a mid-thirties thing regardless?).

I know that I definitely felt a difference with my clitoris after a vb and for the better, as well. Sorry for TMI but it's not all doom and gloom after a vb.

Has anyone suggested that YOU simply TELL him what you are doing wrt this baby's exit? YOUR body and all that. If you want a waterbirth then you might have to just be absolutely clear about it and stop compromising and trying to understand him.

BTW many obstetricians are not too happy with the idea of natural labour, you are braver than I am, having your baby in a private hospital where the culture is all about the drs.

ScoobyDoo just what I had been thinking!!

I was one of the unlucky woman who had a 3rd degree tear with my first baby and I was terrified that I would be ruined for life! I had a very good surgeon sew me back together, did pelvic floor exercises until I was blue in the face, and remarkably, my fanjo is fine, tight, (still use mini-tampons!) sorry TMI!

Bottom control OK too!

BTW, I have CHOSEN to have an elective section for this baby, just too scared to risk my fanjo again, but that it after a bad experience and it is MY choice, not my husband's.

If I hadn't torn so badly before, I would definitely have had another vaginal birth

Sobernow...No to most not the most important part of becoming parents I agree. But it is obviously pretty important to op's dh or he wouldn't be wanting her to have an unneccessary operation would he? It might have been an idea if it is that important to him that, if and when they discussed starting a family, he'd said that he would want her to have a cs instead of the birth she wants. Her baby is going to arrive one way or another now, it's a pity they didn't sort these issues before it was a done deal and became the problem it now is.

What a selfish little jackass.

Will you be expected to gag the baby in case it cries while he's getting his end away, or will he find a teenager to boff until your child is 10?

Doubtless he has already bought the bottles.

Umm...quite a few women on this thread have been rather nasty about mumtobe's husband. Can I just point out that no matter what his failings, he is still her husband! Character assassination is not beneficial here, especially as none of us know anything about the guy apart from his attitude to birth and fanjos.

After a few years together one day we said let's make a baby and I got pregnant bang on. Our jobs and living arrangements were secure, we had travelled loads and felt it was right to take our lives to the next stage. It never ocurred to me that he thought that way.

He told me had it not been for him his ex had nearly died for lack of adrenaline in the theatre so I assumed a VB was the way forward.

He's fine with kids, his kids are lovely.

Your 2nd paragraph doesn't make sense.

refuse to sign the consent forms

so if she nearly died during a botched surgical delivery, why on earth would he want you to have a surgical delivery? and how was he able to save her life? is he a medic of some sort?

do not , whatever you do, go for any sort of birth plan for the sake of your DH , or indeed anyone elses' expextations. if you want your water birth, then go for it, don;t want to spend the next months after the birth, thinking, 'if only.....;

Watching some videos of nice water births really helped assuage dh's fears about the whole thing.

Are you serious? He wants you to have a section so that your sex lives stay the same pmsl! His sex life will be pretty much non existant for a while with a newborn in the house lol! Oh I've heard some things

Sorry. In all seriousness, he's being a bit ridiculous isn't he. It's your body, you birth your baby how you want. I fail to see how a section would be better. It'll take more time to heal, it will be more painful etc. Not only that, but you're probably going to end up needing to do your pelvic floor exercises anyway due to the weight of the baby during your pregnancy. Your boobs will change, you'll have an overhanging stomach for a while, you'll probably have stretch marks. Your body will change loads anyway, no matter how you give birth. Have a word with him about your feelings, don't feel as if you have to do what he says. It's you that has to birth your baby, not him.

How does you H feel about your breasts?
Are you going to breastfeed?
How does he feel about your nose? your left leg?
What's next?

It's your body, and your baby's birth. You need to talk to a professional - doula, midwife, psychologist to try and sort out what you want, and what's best for you and your little baby.

And then I'd ask your H to go to counseling about his fears. life changes completely after the birth of a baby, and those changes must be respected.

I wouldn't get too hung up on this though - you need your energy for the really tough few months after the birth.

Just thought I'd add my thoughts to this. I'm down for a planned c-section in 2 weks - but only after a lot of soul-searching and weird factors from last birth just 18 months ago. I read about many smooth c-sections but wanted to say that it's not always like that.

I had horrific infection from my emerg c-section...and I mean HORRIFIC!! I ended up contracting severe reactive arthritis from it....it was hell for a year - could barely lift dd let alone bath her and have lasting joint damage. This is apparently quite common

And now I'm having a planned c-section (no, not looking forward to it!) and have just had the consent forms read to me and signed off each thing that could go wrong. It's blo*dy sobbering I can tell you.

Your DH is so wrong if he thinks that your bladder wouldn't suffer - it's high on the list of possible problems. It can easily get nicked in the op. Also high on the list were DVT....haemorraging...and of course the dreaded infection. I really, really would think very carefully - if YOU have any doubts then you go with that doula. It's you undergoing it - not him. Don't let his fears take you over. I can tell you I found it pretty scary on that table...especially when things don't go according to plan.

Rant over...Promise yourself you'll do what's right for you. good luck x

OK - this is from the NICE guidelines on C-section (compiled by the Royal College of Obs and Gynaes)

Compared to vb, women who have cb have:

3 times the risk of bladder injury

3 times the risk of utereteric injury

17 times the risk of needing further surgery

95 times the risk of hysterectomy

9 times the risk of being admitted to intensive care

3 times the risk of thromboemolitic disease

5 times the risk of death

Babies born by cs are nearly 7 times more likely to suffer from respiratory morbidity.

You are more likely to experience stillbirth in pregnancies following c-section than in vaginal birth.

And as you have more c-sections the risk of the above grows.

Women who need a c-section for psychological reasons may feel these increased risks are worth taking as the overall risk of serious injury or death is still very low in absolute terms. And of courses you need a c/s for medical reasons than the issue of comparative risks of vb and cs is going to be different from those things outlined above.

But if neither of these things are the case...... well - how can your husband justify pressuring you to have surgery?

omg I can't actually believe this! are you actually for real? if so wow you are both quite ignorant of childbirth and you really need to educate yourselves.
A woman is twice as likley to die with a cs than a vb, so what use will your fanjo be then.
also it is preganacy that puts a strain on the pelvic floor esp if you are overweight, and if there is damage this can almost always be treated sucessfully.
cs carries major risks for you and baby, a baby born by elective cs is up to 4 times more likely to have breathing problems thn those born naturally.
also babies born via elective cs miss out on the physiological and homrmonal benefits of labour and the bonding hormones that are relaesed.
your husband needs to wise up.

me23: how I am I ignorant???
I can only assume you didn't read my post properly. Back to black and start again please. I really don't need to be insulted.

All the others I'm taking your suggestions on board.

ib: I really like the idea of watching a few birth videos with him, esp. water births. I've heard so many good things about it. My yoga instructor is also a very nice helpful woman and dh has agreed to come to hypnobirthing with me.

JJ: I'm so sorry to hear you had such terribe complications. Are you alright now? Will your joints ever men again? >Hugs