My dh wants me to have an elective c-section.

[mumtobesoon]

We're expecting our first child. He's already a father. His ex had c-sections.

I'd prefer to try a water birth and would like to see if I can manage without drugs. I'd like to feel I have actively helped to birth my baby. Of course I am worried sick about tearing, that my fanjo will be very loose and never the same again, I'm terribly afraid of a forceps or suction delivery but I really hope that all would go well without interference.

My dh and I have a great sex life, it's really important to both of us and I am very tight down there and would like it all to remain so. But I think it's a muscle and with exercise and time it will tighten up again and heal better than a surgical incision. (I don't even want to discuss inflammation of the wound, etc. I've chosen to go private and would have an excellent experienced surgeon.)

I just feel really pressured by my dh to have an elective cesarean. He says he doesn't want my fanjo to change, our sex life to become horrible and the risk of me becoming incontinent in bladder and rectum. (A colleague's wife had a 4th degree tear and took 2 years to heal due to several operations. The husband had nothing better to do than then to start sleeping with the 17 year old clerk.)

All these things whizz around my mind. I'm going nuts. Yes, it's my body but what if something goes wrong and I tear like this or dribble? I'm that dh has made his point so clear. I feel I'm being compared to ex-wife even though she ended up with a bad flab and keloid inside scarring.

I'm sorry for rambling on. I'm confused. I won't divorce my dh for it or anything. I know he's selfish, but name calling won't help me solve this. The baby is on its way. I just wondered if anyone has ever been in this situation and how they coped/handled it...

Saw the midwives today. Am thinking of going for a local birth in the pool and seeing how it goes if possible. Feel more comfortable being closer to DH, even though he'll need to stay with the girls.

Mumtobe, I hope you're off meeting your doula and getting your plans in order.

Remember, it's YOUR body, your choice.

PosieParker, just because someone has had a different experience from you does not mean they are peddling misinformation.

fabsmum, this is about choice and not about c-sections v vaginal births, if it becomes about the choice then I have way too much research to say an elective c-section is better for the baby as it negates the need for an emergency section, but I'd rather not have to put that hat on as I'd like to offer support for someone who has the idea of a lovely water birth.

fabsmum, "this is about choice and not about c-sections v vaginal births,

Oh ffs - how can you have a rational discussion about choice without discussing the comparative risks and benefits of both options?

"if it becomes about the choice then I have way too much research to say an elective c-section is better for the baby as it negates the need for an emergency section"

Well send it to the Royal College of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists then because they've obviously got it completely wrong, given that for years they've been advising low risk mums that vaginal birth is safer for themselves and their babies than opting for an elective section!

Seriously Posie - you have really misunderstood what the research has to say on this one.

Current 'best evidence' on this one shows that elective c-sections for low risk mums have worse outcomes for mums AND babies, even when you take into account that a proportion of those mothers who labour will end up in theatre having emergency c-sections. C-section also has serious implications for babies in subsequent pregnancies - such as increased risk of placental problems and stillbirth and these need to be factored into the equation.

I suspect you have dug out some research which compares the outcomes for elective and emergency sections - but this is NOT that helpful, as the vast majority of low risk mums (like the OP) who go into labour will end up having vaginal births. (the 25% national c-section rate includes electives. If you exclude electives, the national emergency c-section rate is only about 14% - and a sizable proportion of the women who will fall into this group will be high risk - women with hypertension, diabetic mothers, obese mothers etc etc ).

I think you should stand your ground on your preferred method of birth. You should listen to your DH, but your desires should carry more weight than his for two reasons:
1- You are the one who has to do it
2- He is not seeing clearly. His view of birth has been tainted by his x-wife's views. And he is bringing a lot of baggage to the birth of your baby.

My DH never voiced an opinion on how I should give birth -- although it's not likely I would have let him get a word in edgewise.

but posie, this isn't about choice. because the OP states again and again that she does not want an elective csection.

she wants to try for a vaginal birth.

it's her spouse bullying her and pressuring her about what to do with her body because of his concerns about sex and vaginal tightness.

On second thought, if he persists to want to discuss how to extract the baby, you could start telling him how he should have a circmcision. What kind of knife? Any anaesthetic? How tight to make the foreskin. Oh you could have fun with this... I bet he'll shut up.

I agree this thread is about mum's preferences vs. dad's preferences. And not about section vs. vaginal birth.

Expat, we are supporting the OPs right to choose and I think, even, the OP realises that her dh's concerns are ridiculous at best.
fabsmum, this is about supporting a woman's choice on whichever method SHE chooses. Why bother discussing the merits of each choice, she has already decided.
I will have to put the birth method arguement aside as apart from the one peice of research that states that elcs is safer because it negates emcs everything I have read states that the difference in outcome is negligible given that most sections are carried out at 39 weeks, articles in both BMJ and Obstectric and gynacology journals. Speaking as someone who researched this at great length when considering a elcs and who spends far too much time on the internet

no, 'we' are not supporting nothing but this woman's right to not have elective surgery she doesn't want.

she has stated time and again that having an elective csection is not a choice she is interested in making.

and there is merit to discussing.

i had firmly planned to go into consultant-led hospital for my 3rd delivery and having an epidural asap.

now, having had two sympathetic midwives who sat down and discussed how i felt about my last birth and how quickly i can be choppered to the consulant-led care, i'm considering trying for a water birth IF this pregnancy is low-risk and the baby is in a good position.

I am not making myself clear, we are supporting the OPs choice!!!! She has made it and we're supporting that choice.
Discussing it with a midwife is a little different to talking about you DH's wishes on MN.

'We' are not just here for support, Posie. We are also here to give opinions because this is a public forum.

And other peoples' opinions have just as much validity as any other members, nor is it for any particular person outside the mods to dictate to another how he/she should post or 'support'.

Okay so I'll post how I want to and you can do the same, as we're not telling other people how to post. Long day and I have little patience.

I believe that is how it is supposed to work, Posie.

Mumtobesoon,

I would think about whether you actually want your husband to be present at all of the birth exspecially if he feels negatively about you having a natural birth. He doesn't have to be far away but could pop in and out a bit as you will be supported by the Doula anyway.

I say that because if you are using hypnobirthing and yoga techniques then you really need to stay focused and calm and if you are distracted by the thought that your hubby is worrying about you tearing etc..this might interfere with the whole relaxtion = natural pain relief/endorphins cycle.

It really works by the way, I physically felt the contractions a bit like the sort of contraction you might get when throwing up although going downhill instead of uphill but they didn't hurt and it wasn't unpleasant at all, they were very strong as the midwife was continually monitoring me we could see the digital read out spike massively and she was amazed that I wasn't in any pain.

I have to say that I found my hubby a bit annoying during labour and really only needed him when the midwife went on a break and was replaced by a silly young midwife. He was a bit freaked out by the crowning thing aswell as DS head emerged fully but he was only fully delivered on the next contraction. He also felt a bit queasy seeing that I tore. I didn't feel it though. I would much prefer to tear than be cut, it healed really well.

He might just be scared about these issues which is why he has some rosetinted views about ceasarians! Have you discussed it further with him???

Expat - what you have achieved with your MWs is great. I love stories like that - where their expertise really makes a difference

Mumtobesoon - I don't know how you feel about DH not being at the birth, but my own experience is that having friends who know their stuff was more valuable when it came to it. He has been at one of the four births and I was conscious of his presence and his feelings of not being able to do anything useful. (OK, I felt he was surplus to requirements if I'm honest!). He was never going to watch any crowning or ohh and ahh at the enormity of my placenta, so best place for him was in the kitchen brewing up.

I loved my dp being there especially to do skin to skin with ds2 who was a little cold (general aneasthetic and so neither were there, but he was the first to hold him).
Actually dp was the first to hold each of our babies.

Mumtobesoon - my DP didn't miss out or feel like he's lost anything by not being there. He was right outside the door, just not in watching. Guess he's a bit squimish and I wasn't going to force the issue. He doesn't feel any differently to the birth he witnessed to the ones he didn't.

Your DH obviously has his own issues, I really hope you and he work through them and get the birth you want.

Good luck, I'll look forward to the birth story

My Dd's daddy was there and he made me laugh, fed me, massaged me, made me comfortable, supported my weight when I needed it, supported me and my choices and he 'delivered her and brought her to the surface of the water', he then gave her to me. He also recognised when my blood sugar dropped and fed me chocolate post delivery. I had Dd in hospital and I requested he deliver her so that he would begin bonding(he doesn't know this of course as it was part of my cunning plan, due to the fact that he really didn't want to be a dad again at his age)and it worked. Not sure if that's what's put him off sex though...
I also had a back up partner(friend)just in case Dp couldn't get there in time, however, it's just as well I didn't need her as when I phoned her, she was on her way to the coast! for a Boxing Day trip out. Dd was a week late, so I'd have thought she'd have stayed home waiting for me(though I'm really glad she didn't)!

I think it does have to be personal choice though and whether or not Dp/h could cope with it, whether you could cope with it. My first birthing partner(with Ds)said that his respect for women had risen to new heights after seeing me give birth...Awww!

I think that is lovely Solo, good on him. But I'm not sure the OPs DH would be quite so up for that

I'm a bit more of a 'leave me to Moo in the corner and push this baby out, and have a hot sweet tea ready for me' birther. I don't mean to sell him short, he was there for the labours (not the first, but then that's a different story!) just not the birth.

I was trying to make the OP feel that its OK for DPs not to be there if it works for them, thats all.

Absolutely foxy, I have been a friends birthing partner for both of her children because her H couldn't face it. It does need to be a personal choice on both parts. My Dp would've been quite happy not to have been present, but I admit, I insisted he was. We've never spoken about it since though, so I really don't know his thoughts or feelings on it. Perhaps I should ask...

would your dh be happier to stay outside the room? you will be in a very sensitive emotional state during labour and picking up on neg vibes/worry. it might suit you both better to have him outside, available to pop in if you felt you needed him, but having as your main labour support the doula/obs.

having had 2 deliveries with private obs I would be slightly more cynical than you are about their committment to natural deliveries, but I felt like you did before both births so I can understand where you are coming from. I know you feel you get what you want as the client but my experience is that that is true if you want a c section. If you want a relaxed, non interventionist birth with no routine episiotomy, then a private obs is probably not the best guarantee. If money were no object, an independent midwife would be fab for someone wanting a natural as pos waterbirth. anyway, just wanted to let you know. (I was naive as hell before ds1 was born, to look back on it. you sound a lot more informed)

Foxy 'I'm a bit more of a 'leave me to Moo in the corner and push this baby out, and have a hot sweet tea ready for me' birther.'LOL

Thats me too! DH was eager to be there for birth of DD and he was but while I was in pool, he was eating sandwiches and reading a book until the crucial moment! I wouldn't have wanted him near me, I might have seriously injured him!

mumtobesoon I echo morocco, you sound very well informed, just as well really otherwise you might be following DH's wishes,

I really hope it all works out as you want, given the right support (and a bit of luck) a natural delivery is possible for the vast majority of women. A lot of the emergency cs happen due to the poor skills of the people delivering the baby and would not have been necessary if they knew what they were doing, that said if I needed an emergency cs I would have one. Just don't put too much pressure on yourself, when the time comes take everything as it comes and do what you need to do to have a happy ending. Every birth is different and especially with your 1st you don't know how you are going to feel when labour starts. Do what feels right for you.