At what age is it selfish to have a child?

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Just thinking if Naomi Campbell becoming a mother again at 53. What age would you say is too old? I am an older mum (not as old as Naomi Campbell though.)
At what age does it become selfish?

For me, my cutoff will be 40. Much as I'd love a third, I am not being pregnant in my 40's. My last pregnancy at 35 was hard enough.

I don’t think it’s age related. It’s always inherently selfish to have a child.

you don’t have children you don’t want for the child, do you. You have them because you want to, whatever the reason.

30 was my cut off - my parents were late 30’s and late 40’s respectively when I was born. They were both dead before I was 25. I wanted to do all I could to avoid that for my kids. They were non smokers, minimal booze and fit and healthy, until they weren’t…

I know of a couple of 60yr plus men who have had a baby with younger women, one died before the child started primary school, the other now in serious ill health with a young teenager. Poor kids.

45

I wouldn’t make that judgement for other people. There are so many variables involved in why people become parents later in life.

I have relatives who had ‘I thought I was in menopause!’ surprise pregnancies and had babies at 46 and 47 respectively. Both already mothers have of adult children but both devout Catholics, so wouldn’t have considered ending the pregnancy. I’m 46 and there isn’t a chance I would continue with a pregnancy at my age.

I’ve also got a friend who had her only child in her mid 40s after 10 years TCTC and on her fourth round of IVF. Who am I to judge that?

I draw the line at surrogacy, though.

My dad died before I left primary school. He was fit and healthy until he wasn’t.

he wasn’t old.

45+ is to me

I don't really know, I don't think she is too old though. Many people have babies in worst circumstances, like when they're in a bad relationship, they're in financial ruin, they don't have a stable environment etc - to me, that's selfish.

Worse!

30 was my cut off. My nan had my mum at 17 and my mum had me at 21 so my nan was a nan at 38. Everything is done young in my family.

For some people that is very young, twenties, teens even.

I guess it depends on the circles you mix in. I think people I know who had children younger can see the benefits for me of having waited and are very supportive of my choice to embark on parenthood later. Quite a few have told me that they wish they had waited too. In real life, or the bit of it I live in, people aren't going around judging and bitching about other people's choices and are happy for each other. Nor does everyone think you are clapped out by your 50s.

45+ in my opinion

Why be bound by this? When you get an infection do you take antibiotics, or let 'nature decide' whether or not you will die of sepsis?

What an utterly UTTERLY ludicrous analogy! 🙄

There’s always so much ageism on these boards. No-one asks (quite rightly) if it’s selfish to have a child while obese, or with a chronic illness or disability or with mental health challenges. All these can have important repercussions for the child as well. There always seems to be the assumption that there is a choice to have them younger which do many people there isn’t - the choice is usually have a child older or not at all. And do you really think the perceived disadvantages of having an older parent mean the child would rather not have been born?

Why reject the use of medical science if it is available to you?

I also feel sad and definitely judged reading some of these posts. I had my first son at 41 and my second is due very soon and I'm 44 both my own eggs.
I can understand some of the health issues that people have raised that come with age but I'm really not too concerned. We are both competitive distance runners, so great cardio and high energy, we are educated and financially stable We were useless when we met in our 20's.

I know several families who have chosen for whatever reason to have babies into their 40's and more power to them.

Personally I think the use of a surrogate at any age is human trafficking. I also have concerns about egg ‘donation’ (so called).

I had my last child at 36 and I would say 40 would’ve been my personal limit.

I saw women well into their 40s having their first child at the hospital I gave birth in. I think IVF after 45 is a bit iffy but I wouldn’t judge anyone for that.

There was a mother at the school who had given birth in her late 40s and was always taken for a grandmother which must have made her feel awful.

As a child of older parents I made a conscious decision not to have children past 34.

I'm now in a situation where I'm taking on increasing caring responsibilities for my parents who are approaching 80 whilst trying to juggle my own family and work. I didn't want that for them.

If my parents had had me younger then this would have delayed this until my kids were teenagers; if I had kids when they did I would be doing the toddler years whilst managing their age related illnesses (and all the appointments that naturally come with this).

I think it's easy to focus on the child's experience whilst young (my parents were very fit and healthy into their late 60s) but I've personally found the last few years the hardest.

For me 42. I had my first at 39 and last at 41. Between first and last I lost two babies.

At that point theme we were going through the agony of miscarriages I felt very old and wished I had been able to be younger having my babies.

He's simply a shit parent.

I have friends whose parents had them as teens. Some of their parents are like that so age can't be used as an excuse.

If I have to explain this to you, then there's no hope for you........

@PP82 · Today 07:23

Don't feel sad! These strange, rigid and out of date ideas only seem to crop up on mumsnet and certain other online spaces. I've never met anyone who shares them in the real world.

@Robinbuildsbears

I've always found the opposite to be true, and the majority of people in real life seem to agree that around 40ish is getting old to have babies.

It's only on Mumsnet or certain other online spaces you hear people saying things like "oh my whole friendship group waited until we were in our 50s before deciding to have a baby and none of us had any fertility issues at all, I personally had 12 abortions throughout my 30s and 40s because we only had a 5 bed house instead of our 7 bed forever home and we just weren't ready yet"

😆 So true!!!

Completely agree with your first paragraph too. In my career I meet different social classes all the time. I meet working class, middle class, and upper class people on a regular basis, and people from many walks of life. I don't think I have ever met a single person in real life who thinks it's a good idea to have babies past their early 40s... Indeed many would say 37 to 38 should be the cut off point for most.

As you say, sooo many women on here claim that in their social circle they don't even START having babies til their mid 40s... In real life I don't know anybody like this... The majority of people have their first by their early 30s and their last by 39-40. (Even then I have only known a couple of people who had the first baby at 39-40.) MOST people I know having the first by 33/34. These are professional, degree-educated, executive level, or management/director level people. In banking and finance, law, medicine, the police, and various other professional careers. Top of the ladder in their career (or close to it,) and highly articulate and highly educated.

The very idea the majority of people don't even start having babies until their mid 40s is farcical ... And only the lower classes have them younger (like under 30!) is offensive and untrue. Like you, I don't know ANYONE who thinks like this in real life! Only in the parallel world of mumsnet! 😂

Really annoys me when.people say having a child is a selfish act.

Surely reproduction is one of the basic human drivers?

Yeah it's not altruistic but it's hard wired into us.

52 is too old whatever though!