At what age is it selfish to have a child?

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Just thinking if Naomi Campbell becoming a mother again at 53. What age would you say is too old? I am an older mum (not as old as Naomi Campbell though.)
At what age does it become selfish?

@Usernamenotavailab i guess Im saying there aren't 'too many variables' thats why the UK government releases and tracks healthy life expectancy ... statistically at aggregate level, people are not likely to be healthy (certain volume of chronic diseases) from a certain age

If an 80y old can cope with a few hour childcare good for them

The other consideration with older parenting is the uni fee top up situation whereby parents are meant to top up. Means giving birth mid 40s youd need to be working in mid-late 60s to fund your kid at uni

plenty of young children are carers for disabled parents. Did those parents make the wrong choice having children knowing they’d need care within 10 years?
Seriously, of course they made the wrong choice. It's one thing not knowing the future, it's another to knowingly put this burden on a child

Wow. Far too close to eugenics for comfort, IMO.

My 47 year old friend had her second set of twins, her first set were 17. All four delivered vaginally. All fit and well. Her DH was 50.
They're now four, she doesn't have to work and leads a charmed life (for now) but it wouldn't be for me.
Age isn't just a number however good you look. Physiologically you are what you are.

With regard to retirement age, it's already late 60s and going up all the time. With or without kids, I still expect to be working until I'm 70. Which I fair enough. As life expectancy goes up, so will retirement age. That's to be expected.

I find it odd, the idea that I should consider my health once my children have grown up, or ability to look after future grandchildren as a factor. My father started to experience severe health problems in his early 60s. I was in my 20s. I was living at the other end of the country at the time, moved abroad shortly after and have lived abroad for most of the time since then. I did ask at the time I originally moved abroad if it was OK, with him being ill, and he said of course he wanted me to go and take the opportunity. My parents have always been big on fostering independence in their kids as well as maintaining their own and wouldn't have wanted me hanging around being in their way, illness or no illness.

Similarly, DH's parents both have a lot of mobility problems but it doesn't affect us. We live in a different country, and they both manage quite independently. They both also have younger partners, but then so do I. We have no expectation of them doing any childcare, in the way they did for older grandchildren, which is partly due to their declining health and partly due to the distance, but the point is, we will look after our own children expect that if our kids have them, they will look after theirs. We both grew up not knowing some of our grandparents. This idea of a close extended family is just a bit alien to me tbh. It's not something I've ever experienced, nor would want to. I'd find it sniffling.

So fine, I may not be (but may be) an active grandmother. Would anyone seriously say that was a reason not to become a mother? Our child will have several different citizenships and will probably live in several different countries during their childhood. Maybe, once they finish their education, they will live close by, but I hope they go off and experience as much of the world as possible. If they wound up living down the street from me I'd be disappointed for them, tbh.

*stiffling

So a healthy 40 year old shouldn’t have children because they expect to have health issues at 60.

so do you think a 25 year old with arthritis should also not have children because they would also expect to have increased health issues at 45?

or is it only health in old age that’s a factor?

many older parents are older because they already have a career established. The uni top up thing doesn’t hold- a high earning older parent could fund uni in their 60’s, or even from their pension. Someone who earns minimum wage at 40 because they had children rather than a career isn’t in a position to fund uni either 🤷‍♀️.

Also- I don’t think anyone’s mentioned socioeconomic class yet either.

statistically if you grow up in a deprived area your life expectancy is much lower.

so does class factor in? Working class or those on benefits should have a cut off of 25 because their life expectancy is 10 years shorter than someone of middle or upper class?

what about smokers? Their life expectancy is shorter…

there are a ton of variables including just pure bad luck.

For me personally I always said I wouldn't want to be having babies into my 30's, and with this in mind we decided to try for our first when I was 26, knowing that if there were any issues conceiving, we'd have time on our side to address this. I had dd1 at 27, and dd2 at 29/30. But I know that I was lucky to be in the right situation at the right time. Met DH young, bought our first house at 20/22, we travelled, saved, got better jobs etc, so we were in a good position to have babies when we did, and feel very lucky to have had no problems conceiving or carrying babies. I appreciate that this is not the case for many. I'm now 36, and the thought of doing all the baby/toddler stuff again at this age makes me shudder, and I know I personally couldn't do it. But I do know mums who have had their first babies in their mid 30's, and coped just fine. I'm not sure it's the best idea for women to only just start thinking about having their first baby in their mid/late 30's, purely because of the risks to the mother and child, the potential fertility factors, the increase in issues for the baby etc, but equally I don't think it's great when people conceive in their teens. Really there probably is only a small "ideal window" to have children, if you take physical health and financial aspects into consideration. But for alot of people their lifestyles and other issues mean, their personal ideal time to have a baby will be outside of what is considered the norm or perfect time to wider society.

For me it depends a lot on whether it’s a single parent, or if it’s two parents whether they are both older.

I’d feel more comfortable with a set of parents with one in their sixties and one in their twenties or thirties than I would with a single parent or pair of parents in their fifties. I can’t imagine being the age I am now and my parents being in their 80s, personally.

IVF is a relatively recent development and there were probably lots of people that thought it was messing with nature but think how many children have been born that without it wouldn’t have existed. Surrogacy has been around for a very long time and rightly or wrongly is allowed with conditions. Adoption can be wonderful but can also lead to the adopted child with lots of questions. All any of the people that try these routes are looking to do is start a family. I wish Naomi Campbell and her children all the best and I don’t care that she is 53. I have two friends that had tried unsuccessfully for many years to have a child and both of them became pregnant via IVF at 49 and you couldn’t meet happier parents and children. I’ve said the same about older fathers, I honestly believe it’s nobody’s business but their own. The older parent may not see their child into adulthood but no one is guaranteed that and it doesn’t mean that an older parent is any less worthy than a younger parent. @PP82 I hope your journey to parenthood is successful whichever route you take, reading your comments here I can’t understand why anyone would begrudge you a child, good luck

All women over 40 who have children are selfish?

Personally I think children make you tired. Have your first at 25 or 35 you'll be tired by the time you have your 2nd.

Everyone I know is shattered with their 2nd and 3rd regardless of their age.

For me personally, over 30 would've been too old to actively plan a child, but I had my 2 kids aged 21 and 26.

If I got pregnant again at any age I'd be having another baby though. Wouldn't be happy about it (I'm now 38) but I'd have kids up until menopause if they were on their way.

This just shows how different we all are as I would not have considered even trying before I was 30. If I’d known it would take me until I was 43 to succeed, I still wouldn’t have tried before 30. We all have different approaches, that’s how it should be

@mastertomsmum 😂we weren't trying for our first (id just graduated, had no job and he still had 2 years left at uni) In fact, we had only known each other for 5 months 😮But weve been married 13 years this year, so it all worked out in the end.

Brilliant 🤩 We tried for so long that I thought the boat had sailed and just as i resigned myself to child free we were blessed. My fave moment was when 5 mums sat in the maternity ward eating breakfast. One asked ‘how long have you been married?’ 1) 3 yrs 2) 5 yrs 3) I’m not 4) 3 months 5) Me 16 years 😂

Don't feel sad! It is what it is, and I am sure this is a much-wanted, much loved baby. My dad was 38 when I was born, and 47 when my youngest sister was born. He was a very present, engaged dad. He took us out for long walks in the countryside, and he rode a bicycle until at least his late 70s. He was fit and healthy although he had heart surgery in his early 60s. He adored his grandchildren too.

Unfortunately, he didn't get to be a grandad for long as he died aged 81, and eldest grandchild was just 9 - however, I didn't have them until I was 34 (not by choice, fertility issues. My mum was a young mother. She died when she was 62.

At any age when you are unable to feed, clothe, house and adequately provide for your child.

I had a surprise baby at 41 but my personal cut off was age 30 after my second was born.
I wouldn't be without her now but I definitely wouldn't plan to have one as late as I did.

Sounds like it worked out well for you too! It's great when things work out against your expectations.

Tbh, I'd never given having kids any thought whatsoever until I got pregnant. I say 30 would be my ideal cut off age now, but that's cos I already had a 9 year old and 4 year old by time I was 30. Maybe if I was older having kids for the first time I'd feel differently.

My mum was 35 and 37 having kids. My sister was 32 and 35, so me being young having them is an anomaly in our family.

The other consideration with older parenting is the uni fee top up situation whereby parents are meant to top up. Means giving birth mid 40s youd need to be working in mid-late 60s to fund your kid at uni

Or if you are not earning due to retirement they can get full loan. Or since you may be more financially stable as older parents you can plan ahead and save towards Uni costs.

My own personal
cut off is 32 but now I’m 18 months in with my 1st that does depend on what and who and if im in a stable relationship it could be later but I would love to have it all wrapped up by then. Id say 40 is the most ideal time though

40 plus

Id say 60 is too old