At what age is it selfish to have a child?

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Just thinking if Naomi Campbell becoming a mother again at 53. What age would you say is too old? I am an older mum (not as old as Naomi Campbell though.)
At what age does it become selfish?

This. ^ Of COURSE it's not selfish or self centred to have children. One of many silly, ludicrous, laughable comments I see on threads like this. In real life NO-ONE thinks this.

NO-ONE.

Best to not engage with them really. I'm done on this thread now. Some of the comments are utterly UTTERLY batshit!

@PP82 I really do wish you all the best. I can't profess to know the stats (and perhaps I am conflating with personal eggs), you will obviously know a lot more than me, I've just been on this forum for a very long time and have seen the struggles so maybe that is skewing my view. I'm just really surprised someone over 40 who really wants to be a mum is happy to delay trying, I felt pressured in my 20s! It seems to me even if you succeeded at say 45 to lose another few years of motherhood from your life if it's something you want is a shame, most people I've read on here who have kids in their 40s have done so because it was out of their hands (finding a partner etc), not because it was an active choice (I know some do). But life would be boring if we were all the same. I really hope the treatment goes well when you do decide to go for it.

For me it's based on life expectancy- I'd like my kids to be at least late 30s/early 40s when I die, I know there's no guarantees, but I think that 45 would be the max for me - thats based on my parents living to late 80s.

To the OP - you have nothing to be guilty about at all for having a child at 42. According to the National Statistics Office your life expentency is 87! And old age is no what it used to be - you're unlikely to be frail and infirm in your 60s and 70s.

My mum was 40 when she had me, I really had no idea during the whole of my childhood that she was an 'older' mother.

Thank you! I would have liked to have kids late 30s if circumstances had permitted, but that wasn't how life panned out. Didn't meet DH til then, and then other factors, including the pandemic, delayed our plans for a family in various ways. I'm by nature a worrier, and having waited so long to be a mum want the situation to be as perfect as possible for my future child. And yes, chances with donor eggs upwards of 50%, 60 at some clinics. Some claim an 80% success rate but im a bit skeptical about those. If you've looked in the other thread I've posted in there seem to be quite a few success stories among the ladies there. I know some people might find our decision baffling, and it isn't actually final as we have another consultation coming up, but it's what feels right for us. Thanks again for your well wishes. Quite a few very judgy comments on here so it's nice when people are a bit more positive and open minded.

@PP82 you sound like you'll be a brilliant mum. I have had the reverse having had mine at 22 which obviously makes me uneducated, untravelled, on benefits, and likely to raise delinquents

Thank you! And at least you were able to snap back into shape before you even left the delivery room, didn't embarrass your children by being a hideous, decrepit old crone, and will still be fit enough to go white water rafting with your 5x great grandchildren 😉

@PP82 that's the hope 😂

Two things are occuring to me while reading this.

1. Completely understand that not all women meet their partners/are in a financial position until later, but I suppose this goes back to OP’s original question - when is it selfish to have children, regardless of reasons for not having them before?

2. A lot of mentions about life expectancy into early 80s. In my mind, 3 out of 4 of my grandparents didn’t make it until their 80s. And it’s unlikely you’d have amazing heath and mobility right up until your 80s. So I think that’s a factor to consider. My parents are in their 60s and both have health conditions, no way they’d be able to look after a teenager.

But a 25 year old could need that

It depends how well you take care of yourself. Someone who eats healthily and exercises could have a baby later and cope well with this, and also live a longer life and meet grandkids etc. someone younger who never works out and smokes and drinks is more likely to die young or not be able to help at all.

Having a child (age36) has made me focus much more on health and working towards my 'old lady body' rather than my summer body

That's absolutely true! Many would say that child free people are selfish, but they are sensible if they know they don't want to parent.

You should only be a parent if you long to do parenting and dedicate yourself to your child

There is so much within your control to maximize your chances of living longer- work out, diet, avoid loneliness etc

Oh wow congratulations! How are you feeling?

Yes but your grandparents were born in an earlier era. Life expectancy is going up all the time. The relatives I have that died before 80 very likely would not have done so had they been alive today, as the conditions that lead to their deaths are now easily treatable. And had my father been of his parents generation, he'd be dead by now, but he's still living an active life.

Saying that the condtions my grandparents had would now be easily treatable is a big presumption when you don’t know how any of them died.

I didn't say that. But it is indisputably true that the average life expectancy of people in their 40s and 50s today is higher than that of people born in the early 20th century. Of course these are averages, and there are lots of variables.

Hmm. I was 39 with my 2nd and part of me would like another and early 40s doesn't seem bad.

Mind you I think there is a cut off. A bit like when you are too old for a massive white wedding !I met a couple today at a kids party and they were at least five years older than me. I think the husband was mid 50s and the mum very late 40s. They had a 4 y/o and a newborn. It just looked odd. They looked like grandparents.

But it's none of my business and each to their own. I most of all felt sorry for them. They must feel a bit weird being a lot older than others. This is in London too where lots of people are 35+

I mean in some respects age is just a number. I don’t think I could do what Elton John did last weekend even at 52. I’d be knackered with the excitement and just being away from home. I know men and women in their 90’s that clean their house beautifully, wash and dress well and do the garden.

Yet I think generally a new mum in her 40’s isn’t much different to one in her 30’s and women in their 50’s aren’t going to be wildly different enough to bother a teen., I do think it will be more telling for mums in their 60’s and 70’s. When them and their friends start getting ill and dying off and grandparents will need looking after if they aren’t on the way out.
It one thing if that’s how your chance at kids pans out but I don’t know why you’d actively chose that for your child.

I agree with this entirely and would not have a child beyond 35 either. My mother had me at 40 and was dead by the time I was in my late twenties after having been ill for a decade. That really took a toll on my life and forced me to be at a stage in my late teens and twenties that most people face in their 40s and 50s. Obviously, she had bad luck and could have lived into her 90s, but I still now wouldn't risk it.

Just to say its an error looking at life expectancy on its own.

The key data is healthy life expectancy. For women health fails around 68 and men arouns 66. Ie usually by then a few major health problema

We have 8 in laws (divorce). All were healthy 3 overweight. Now age 66-68 all of them have chronic conditions eg diabetes glucaoma . Slipped disk. Long term osteo back issue. Tinnitus. Prostate cancer. Deterioratijg eye sight and cant drive ..

Only 1/8 is able to work FT. All these people have dogs and had quire high activity levels ubtil redently

If you have a kid at 45, factor in healthy life expectancy eg so when kid is 23 youd be like this.

Friends parents are the same, ageining is real! Whatever u eat drink or how great you look at 45..!

My dm had debilitating health problems from childhood - she still managed to be a great grandmother in her 70s and had amazing holidays up till her early 80s.
It's concerning to think of health problems appearing in your 60s (makes me not want to retire at 67, that's for sure!) but being diabetic or whatever doesn't mean you can't be a decent parent.

Interesting.

what if you have health issues at 25? With associated reduced life expectancy?

are you saying people with cystic fibrosis for example shouldn’t have children? What about huntingdons disease, rheumatoid arthritis, blindness (as you mention deteriorating eyesight).

plenty of young children are carers for disabled parents. Did those parents make the wrong choice having children knowing they’d need care within 10 years?

none of us know if and when we’ll get cancer.

my mum is very healthy and often cares for my niece at 80. One of dd’s friends mums is completely crippled by arthritis at 40, and can’t care for her own teenagers.

there are too many variables. At 50, I’m fitter than many of my dc’s peers. My friends dad had just gone cycling round Europe at 85- I know many 40 year olds can’t do that.

Personally I do not want to have any more kids past the age of 35 but that's more than I want to have some independence back when I'm still young-ish. Of course I've sacrificed independence younger...

I don't think it's selfish to have children at any age in particular. Is it selfish to have kids if you smoke or drink? Or don't exercise? I wouldn't say so. That's ignoring people who go beyond the normal reproductive years though. Having a baby in your 60s for example, I can't agree with that.