At what age is it selfish to have a child?

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Just thinking if Naomi Campbell becoming a mother again at 53. What age would you say is too old? I am an older mum (not as old as Naomi Campbell though.)
At what age does it become selfish?

When you're unable to give them what they need to grow up to be healthy and well adjusted adults.

I don't believe it's a clear cut question and people wouldn't be asking it if she were a man.

Obviously it's selfish to have a child no matter what. It's also selfish to have them if you are too old, too young, don't have enough money, don't have enough time, don't have enough friends and family, don't have a sibling for them, don't give them experiences etc etc. It's not just about age, and I doubt any of us are doing the optimum for our kids, including me. It's not just an age thing. Having a child is selfish full stop.

I had my daughter at 39 and I get the guilt that she won’t have her mum and grandma around for the majority of her life …. That scares and saddens me but I didn’t meet my DH till late and took a long time to fall pregnant but now I’m trying to be physically and financially healthy so I am able to be with her more and leave her with financial security

How about us women stop judging and labeling other women's choices? Just a thought. 🤷‍♀️

The question is a bit ambiguous OP, do mean selfish by age of mother?

Personally for me I had my two children in my late twenties and early thirties. I wouldn’t have considered having a third past 40. Not that I think it would be selfish, it just wouldn’t have been right for me.

Sounds like he had issues generally! Imagine being mad at your mum for being 32 when she had you!! I hope you told him to get over it NOW. I am not sure I know any women with children who haven’t had babies at 32.

Due to my experience being born to parents in their late 40s, I always planned to be finished by 30. I am 30, and I’m also pregnant; this may or may not be the last one (probably will be) but 35 would be my absolute final call.

This is interesting and useful. Ask the children, not the parents. I had mine at 40 and in hindsight think it was too old. My father was 40 when I was born, and suddenly he's aged, and now my DC probably will have grandparents who won't be around for too much longer, and old parents when he's still quite young. I wouldn't choose this again.

I know far too many ‘my mum had me at 43’ or grandma had her surprise 4th at 42-44’ scenarios to be able to ignore that. These were naturally arriving babies not abominations. Obviously in an ideal world I’d say under 40, but in the real world it’s much harder. I don’t think people should be actively trying as they head towards 45.

My own mum was a couple of months off 40 when she had her 6th healthy child who grew up to be a competent successful adult like all the rest, mum is happy, nothing about this was wrong in any way.

Yes, I’m the youngest of a large family and it’s been hard and sad for both me and my parents that they can’t be the grandparents to my children that they were to, ie, the ones born in the 90s or early 2000s. I don’t blame them or resent them, they’re wonderful people and I had a good childhood, but as an adult it just isn’t what I would choose for my children. Of course I was purely lucky that it worked out for me to meet dh fairly young and knock out having a family etc etc.

At any age if you are using another woman's eggs another woman's uterus and a man's sperm you aren't in a committed relationship with

@Phoebo

Yes I agree. My ex husbands father was 40 when he was born and they have zero relationship now as it's more akin to a grandparent one than a parent now ex is in his 40s He also isn't really in our children's lives mostly due to age and not wanting to do anything really (he's mid 80s now) In comparison my parents with in their early twenties and are very active with both myself and my children and the difference in relationship.

My ex was 43 when our youngest were born and if I'm honest I can see history repeating itself between him and them

35 for me.

i’m 35 and pregnant now with my 2nd. Always said I didn’t want any past this age.

People’s health starts declining in their 50s (eg increased risk of cancer) and I don’t think it’s right to have a young child who still completely depends on you at that age. My mum had cancer in her 50s and my MIL needed hip replacements.

I'm 35, but my husbands 45. We have a toddler and are expecting our second (and last). I knew my DH was on the older side but I didn't realise there was so much controversy over that. We're fit and well, met a little later in life so starting a family younger wasn't an option.

I feel quite sad reading this - maybe it's the hormones.

Don't feel sad! These strange, rigid and out of date ideas only seem to crop up on mumsnet and certain other online spaces. I've never met anyone who shares them in the real world.

My Mum was 45 and my Dad was 48 when they had me. I know more people have families later now but for me it wasn’t great. I was very conscious of my friends with younger parents and how much more energy their parents had. My Mum died of cancer in her late fifties and Dad lived until he was 90 but the last 20 years were challenging. I was very much responsible for him as his health deteriorated with dementia. I loved them both dearly but when my friends had parents helping them, I just didn’t have that support. It put me off for life and I had my youngest child at 33. That was my cut off.

Great post. I agree. I was 41, almost 42 with my second.

I don't 'feel' my age nor feel any different than I did 6 years ago with my first.

People have children because they want them. It is the single most selfish thing we can do, bringing into being a whole other human because we feel like it.

Yes, to be a good parent once they arrive you have to be selfless at times but that doesn't change the fact that your decision to create them was to full fill a want of your own.

I think ideally early 30s, but I'm not sure how realistic this is if you want to have a life before kids (ie travel etc), establish your career and be financially secure enough to be able to provide for your DC for everything they might need

When you are not willing and able to put the needs of that child first. My mother was 17 when she had me and did not put me first at all, resulting in life long issues. I would have taken a committed mother of any age over that, even if it meant losing my mother when I was still relatively young. Better that than to effectively never have a mother in the first place, which is how I feel.

My parents were both 37 when I was born.

In my case, I was the third child and had two older siblings, 11 and 13 years my senior.
I always felt left behind, an afterthought and that my parents were so out of touch I just couldn't relate to them.

I'm sure things would've been different if I was the longed for child that they'd tried for years to have. But if you already have children and there's going to be a significant age gap, just don't do it.

From my experience, I felt my parents were selfish.

I've always found the opposite to be true, and the majority of people in real life seem to agree that around 40ish is getting old to have babies.

It's only on Mumsnet or certain other online spaces you hear people saying things like "oh my whole friendship group waited until we were in our 50s before deciding to have a baby and none of us had any fertility issues at all, I personally had 12 abortions throughout my 30s and 40s because we only had a 5 bed house instead of our 7 bed forever home and we just weren't ready yet"

If you are someone who gets to choose when is the optimal age for you to have a baby...ie in a stable committed relationship from a young age with a partner who wants children when you do, always in physical and mental good health, and able to conceive when you decide you want to...you are one of the lucky ones. For a lot of people, circumstances or "Mother Nature" or both mean they don't get a clear run at choosing at what age, or even whether, to have a child. (Lots of comments on this thread about the age to stop being when you can't get pregnant naturally - um, some of us can't at any age.)

I was 31. Don't want anymore. If life works out he'll be reaching adulthood as I'm 50 and hopefully well enough to have some life on the other side lol.