Horrific birth experience - don’t read if your pregnant

[Parsley91]

No one will talk to me about the birth experience I endured so I hope it’s ok to vent as I feel horrible about it still and can’t talk about it.

So I should probably start off by saying my whole childbirth experience was affected by two things:
1.) awful midwife who didn’t give a toss about me and was as unhelpful as possible
2.) I had to be monitored during my birth as I was high risk

Essentially I was ignored when asking for pain relief as midwife didn’t think baby was coming so soon so postponed it and also was coerced to giving birth on my back, which was against my birth plan and there was not an especially good reason for it. Basically I needed help to move my body and the only person willing to help me move was my husband who had pretty much been told to butt out at that point.

The pain was absolutely horrific, and I say this as someone with a high pain tolerance. I ended up giving birth with no pain relief other than gas and air which did nothing for pain but made me feel ill and baby came very quickly, causing lacerations and I had an episiotomy. I only pushed for 20 mins and they kept shouting at me to push (hypnobirthing went out the window!) but literally nothing was happening, baby wouldn’t come out and I was losing energy and couldn’t push any harder. Later a different midwife told me that the pain would indeed have been bad with how fast things progressed - baby did come extremely fast in the end despite how it felt like he just wouldn’t come out. I am a very laid back person and went into the labour ward feeling optimistic and coping well with the pain. Dr and midwives literally exchanged incredulous looks as if I was a madwoman when I turned down their offer of paracetamol to help with the contractions. I then felt quite awkward about it, but I had thought it was quite normal for women to want to do without pain relief - but how would paracetamol have done any good anyway? It’s not exactly strong! I was all but tied to the bed due to BP monitor, drip, and two wires for monitoring baby and could do nothing more than lie flat on my back, perch on edge of the too-high bed or stand upright. Midwife didn’t want to get me a ball as she didn’t feel it was an optimal position for monitoring the baby - she eventually agreed but just didn’t fetch one. She didn’t help me move around at all, and my husband, who was currently quite unwell and also has a a bad back, had to help me as much as he could. Due to drip needle in my wrist I couldn’t even support my weight on my hands so I felt like I was trapped.

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis and with pain. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

I requested my notes prior to a debrief and there were so many mistakes - even my name was wrong. And of course, all the things she said, her general attitude was her word against mine. So I didn't bother.

@Sometimesonly

I requested my notes prior to a debrief and there were so many mistakes - even my name was wrong. And of course, all the things she said, her general attitude was her word against mine. So I didn't bother.

Quite. Hospital notes give the situation from the POV of the midwives. (My own said "We aren't worried about her because we know she has a bean bag with her" at the exact time when I was in the worst pain of my life with my baby's head turning round. I had been begging for pain relief for 2 hours and they kept telling me I didn't need any.)

Unfortunately, in these situations and when it comes to complaining, they hold all the cards.

And it's not at all unknown for hospitals, having received a complaint, to actually alter the notes to put the midwives etc in a better light. Or to "lose" them.

What really strikes me is the lack of explanation and consent with all these stories. Without consent (especially those poor posters who begged staff to stop and were ignored) it is just pure assault. No wonder women and birthing partners are left traumatised. OP, you are entirely justified in feeling how you are feeling, and I hope you find some relief in one of the methods suggested by posters. But equally I think everyone who is assaulted, belittled, humiliated, ignored or failed by maternity staff need to complain loudly. It is not acceptable, or in some cases legal, the way women are being treated.

@FluffMagnet

What really strikes me is the lack of explanation and consent with all these stories. Without consent (especially those poor posters who begged staff to stop and were ignored) it is just pure assault. No wonder women and birthing partners are left traumatised. OP, you are entirely justified in feeling how you are feeling, and I hope you find some relief in one of the methods suggested by posters. But equally I think everyone who is assaulted, belittled, humiliated, ignored or failed by maternity staff need to complain loudly. It is not acceptable, or in some cases legal, the way women are being treated.

Absolutely agree. When I think back to the catalogue of errors when I had my first child I am horrified. I should have done something at the time, but I was in shock for months afterwards .

You can still challenge even where midwives have lied in your notes. We had a MW who ignored a lot of my concerns about my baby, simply wrote 'BFing going well, Mum well supported' and left. My 'support' then promptly went back to their home four hours away! Baby readmitted following day seriously ill with dehydration - the midwife had ignored all the signs. Although she'd put that in my notes, it didn't add up with what actually happened so she was reprimanded.

I get it, OP.

I asked for an epidural with my second birth and it did absolutely nothing, nada. Could feel absolutely everything. DH tried to suggest "Maybe it took the edge off?" No, every contraction felt like the world was turning into a black hole. I could also fully move and control my legs. The epidural isn't supposed to take the edge off. It's supposed to make you entirely numb.

Anyway I felt awful. Just totally trapped in my body and unable to get away from the experience. I felt cheated. I felt angry and terrified. Nobody would come and help me or explain what was happening. I was in despair because I had exhausted all of my options to cope with the pain and nobody was helping me.

The birth was straightforward - so it "wasn't traumatic". I couldn't talk about it for months and months. Any time I did want to talk about it being traumatic I would shy away because other people have much more awful things happen to them and all I experienced was labour pain? I felt like a total fraud TBH.

A debrief would probably help yes.

@FluffMagnet

What really strikes me is the lack of explanation and consent with all these stories. Without consent (especially those poor posters who begged staff to stop and were ignored) it is just pure assault. No wonder women and birthing partners are left traumatised. OP, you are entirely justified in feeling how you are feeling, and I hope you find some relief in one of the methods suggested by posters. But equally I think everyone who is assaulted, belittled, humiliated, ignored or failed by maternity staff need to complain loudly. It is not acceptable, or in some cases legal, the way women are being treated.

Yup. 7 years on and I'm about to start trauma therapy to deal with the flashbacks and panic attacks which are a result of the assault by a doctor the day before DCs birth.

Clear explanations of procedures and risk, clear consent, midwives who put the mother and baby needs first (no, allowing the doctor to assault me because "if I'd stopped him he'd come back later and that would be worse" it's not OK. Nor is my 16 hour old DC a 'brat' for crying, you need to give them back because they need feeding not walking up and down the corridor for an hour so you can prove you're best at settling newborns).

It is appalling what women are expected to put to with on the basis that 'giving birth is natural'. You're right, OP, that if men went through this it would be a different story. I'm sorry you've suffered

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast
What happened to you is actually assault. Internal examinations require consent. If you aren't asked then you can't give consent. It's not just consent you are entitled to refuse internal exams and there is nothing a dr or midwife can do to coerce you into one.

It may be common but that's only because women don't speak up and refuse to be treated in this manner. Or worse they don't know that this is assault and they are legally protected against it.

@Parsley91 in Scotland it's the Patient Advice and Support Service (PASS) and it's accessed through the Citizens Advice Scotland.

So many comments on here are women who just seem to accept that birth should be this way. It shouldn't. If the continuation of humans as a species relied upon men having their penis dilated until it splits open then stitched back together without pain relief you can bet your last there would be major improvements overnight.

Compassionate, person centred care really can't be overestimated. A healthy dose of respect for a woman's legally protected rights wouldn't hurt either. Neither would certain medical professionals remembering that while they are experts in their field, women know themselves best.

I think you might have PTSD. Similar experience to yours (except add significant birth injuries in to the mix)
It took a year before I went to (self funded) therapy and I was told it was textbook PTSD. I also saw myself as strong, high pain threshold etc. None of that makes a difference - trauma is trauma. I hope you find some help!

I totally get it OP. I had a traumatic birth, caused by poor care from a very inexperienced midwife who wasn’t properly supervised. Obviously I would have preferred to receive competent care, but the physical complications weren’t the most traumatic bit. The bit that sticks with me the most is as I was getting more and more unwell (because I had undetected heavy internal bleeding) and I told the midwife I wasn’t well, I was dizzy, had a swollen abdomen and hadn’t been able to urinate since the birth despite being desperate to go - she sighed and shrugged at me. I was bleeding to death and she shrugged at me. The 3 hours spent in theatre afterwards with my legs in stirrups and the world and his dog rummaging in my vagina and coming away with blood up to their elbows were nothing on that one gesture, in terms of lasting trauma. So I really get it.

It wasn’t until many many months after the birth that I saw a healthcare professional - an NHS pelvic health physio - who I felt really treated me like a human. She was actually kind. Read my notes before meeting me. And most importantly of all acknowledged that I had had an awful time.

I’m now pregnant again and this time I’m going to be a lot more assertive and a lot less trusting. I’m now wise to the paternalistic culture in maternity services.

I hope you’re ok and please know you aren’t alone.

I think the problem here is that the positives birthing/hypnobirthing mindset you went in with set you up with very unrealistic expectations. Birth is a uniquely traumatic and painful experience in the vast majority of cases, it is also a very real danger to life in many cases even in 21st century Europe, but fortunately not in your case. I think this can sometimes be forgotten, adding to unrealistic expectations.

It really frustrates me when I see women blamed for having ‘unrealistic expectations’. If she had unrealistic expectations, her care team should have managed those expectations antenatally, shouldn’t they? ‘You’ve had two previous caesareans, so you’ll need to be closely monitored, which means you may need to be on your back throughout and won’t be able to use the birthing pool’ for example.

I was urged to make a ‘birth plan’ before birth by my midwife and obstetrician. I spent a lot of time on it. I honestly went in believing that the very basic preferences on it would be respected. And it never even made it out of my bag. No one ever asked for it. When my DH said ‘she’s written a birth plan’, the midwife dismissed him.

Birth IS dangerous. But in my experience there’s a culture in NHS care of pretending it’s all natural and normal and perfectly safe beforehand (‘Make a birth plan! Practice hypnobirthing!’) so women trot into it thinking they’ll have some agency and control and can trust their caregivers; then criticising traumatised women afterwards for having ‘unrealistic expectations’.

Yea that’s so true. I had no idea at all what to expect. The midwives treated me with contempt.

I'm really sorry that so many have experienced a traumatic birth. It happens to too many people every year (I read somewhere it's around 30000 each year).
I am also one with a traumatic birth experience, and in the process of potentially getting diagnosed with ptsd and hopefully getting some help.
I am pregnant with my 2nd (1st trimester) and actually thought I was fine. But I'm clearly not - getting letters from the hospital makes me anxious and I cry for days after, and I'm having flashbacks from what happened both day and night.

The main issue for me is that I think I was induced - against my consent and without my knowledge. Before any intervention at all, I made it very clear I did not want drugs to induce labour.
I ended up with a cat 2 emergency c-section.

I have my notes, and the drug is mentioned there. I am waiting for a debrief, but it seems difficult to get one.

Not knowing for sure, and feeling like I can't trust the medical professionals who should be looking after me and baby is making it really tough.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine @RiskIt4Biscuit Although DC2 is 3yo now I remember vividly how it all came back in trimester 1 when I realised I was going to have to give birth again.

I hope you get the answers and support you need soon

You poor thing. You had a terrible trauma and you were treated badly. It's such a vulnerable time and plain kindness is the bare minimum we need. You certainly were let down.

Birth IS dangerous. But in my experience there’s a culture in NHS care of pretending it’s all natural and normal and perfectly safe beforehand (‘Make a birth plan! Practice hypnobirthing!’) so women trot into it thinking they’ll have some agency and control and can trust their caregivers; then criticising traumatised women afterwards for having ‘unrealistic expectations’.

God I completely agree. I hate that in their moment of greatest need and vulnerability, women's terror and agony is basically disregarded 'as long as the baby is OK'. Even the amount of comments on here saying the baby is OK and that's all that matter...NO!!! We matter too.

I have read so many stories of women not being given pain relief when it's requested, I think that is truly disgraceful. How can anybody else decide whether you 'need' pain relief or not?? In no other situation would someone be left to go through such intense pain with no relief. It's just unbelievable to me that this is allowed to happen when patients have requested otherwise.

@Bibidy

Birth IS dangerous. But in my experience there’s a culture in NHS care of pretending it’s all natural and normal and perfectly safe beforehand (‘Make a birth plan! Practice hypnobirthing!’) so women trot into it thinking they’ll have some agency and control and can trust their caregivers; then criticising traumatised women afterwards for having ‘unrealistic expectations’.

God I completely agree. I hate that in their moment of greatest need and vulnerability, women's terror and agony is basically disregarded 'as long as the baby is OK'. Even the amount of comments on here saying the baby is OK and that's all that matter...NO!!! We matter too.

I have read so many stories of women not being given pain relief when it's requested, I think that is truly disgraceful. How can anybody else decide whether you 'need' pain relief or not?? In no other situation would someone be left to go through such intense pain with no relief. It's just unbelievable to me that this is allowed to happen when patients have requested otherwise.

Totally agree.

OMG YES to everything ChanandlerBong said!! The left hand of antenatal care isn't talking to the right hand of actual birth procedures and providers. So you end up with totally different and irrelevant information before birth and do totally the wrong kind of preparation and then it's dismissed as "unrealistic expectations".

Same with breastfeeding - they build you up about how wonderful and health enhancing and superhero making it is and then the baby is born and there's no actual support when you have issues with it, the only support offered is well we'll top baby up with formula, and then breastfeeding rates are lamented as though mums just can't be arsed to continue. When actually a lot of mums suffer grief and trauma over what they perceive as a failure to breastfeed (it's often a failure of the system of support, actually.)

Yes I so agree with you about breastfeeding. I really struggled. No help or support in hospital or afterwards. I was broken hearted to give up at six weeks. Felt such a failure.

I think there is a lot of unrealistic expectations around birth. We need more and better antenatal care for the women. I found most of the antenatal care was really rushed and the drs were very dismissive. I got a lot of "you'll be fine" and "that probably won't happen" in the antenatal clinic with my youngest and attempted vbac. I found myself talking to other mums on the internet who suggested things like hypnobirthing, refusing all monitoring, having a homebirth with an independent midwife. What I needed was a professional to go through with me why I was so desperate to avoid another traumatic elective c-section and help me make an informed choice.

Agree about the breastfeeding. My care was awful: I wanted to establish breastfeeding but the midwife took my baby away while I was asleep to give him a bottle. She knew I didn't want her to and admitted that she waited until I was asleep. Second time around I needed to express as babies were in NICU. I was given a pump and told to get on with it. It was really hard (and embarrassing) to be expected to pump in front of my room mates husband and other relatives. I couldn't wait to get out of there and try at home with a bit of privacy.

That sounds awful op, can you not make a formal complaint?
I had a traumatic labor with my first, midwife didn't care at all and was of no help, she told my dp that I'd only lost 500ml of blood, though quickly changed her mind when dp started shouting there's no way it was that much and when they started to weigh it it turns out I'd lost 3litres and quickly had to be taken into theatre to be stitched and given 2 lots of blood. Then when I was moved to the ward that was just as bad and after 4 days on the last ward my dp again got annoyed at the midwife and told them to get my paperwork done because me and ds weren't staying another night. Was honestly the worst experience of my life even though I have an amazing 5 year old now.

Sounds very similar to mine so my heart goes out to you. But unfortunately I feel like this can be quite common, which is awful, and exactly why I chose to go with a a birth centre for my second baby which the complete opposite experience and I came out saying I would do that again. I've vowed to never go to a hospital again unless absolutely necessary.

Might be worth looking into some counselling, or asking to go over your maternity notes for your labour, I felt some closure when I went over mine as everything was just a blur to me where it happened so quickly x

I don’t think I have anything to add, OP, but I had a similar experience and it was fucking horrific. There are no words to describe that level of pain - and like you, I consider myself to have a pretty reasonable tolerance for pain. It was barbaric and the way I was treated was appalling.

I’m pregnant again now, four years later, and trying my best not to think about it. I have a dr I trust now (who had an elective c-section herself, by the way!) and who actually seems to care about making sure I feel safe and supported. I’m obviously hoping the experience will be more positive in November, but I’m really scared.

Havent read all of the posts. Some of them are a bit triggering, to be honest.

When I was having my first child, I felt like a piece of meat: nobody would explain what was going on and my pleas for pain relief were ignored. They were pretty cold and one of the doctors was quite huffy with me. At one point I actually felt that the drs and nurses were trying to hurt me on purpose. I cried every day for 12 weeks and I never got a debrief as I gave birth overseas and the country didnt do such a service. It seemed like a pretty regular labour to the outsider. Nothing went wrong and even my husband didnt understand what I was so upset about.

I tried to talk to people and they just kept telling me 'but you've got a healthy baby!'. I know they meant well, and that it was true, but in a way, that translated to me as 'you aren't important'. As if I didnt know that having a healthy child was the most important thing, but I was absolutely broken from that experience and never knew if I would ever get over it.

2 years later I had my second child in an NHS hospital. On paper, it was a very traumatic delivery. Lots of things were touch and go and I ended up with some complications. How did I feel? Delighted to meet my baby. Tired. Happy. Supported. The staff were so supportive, friendly and calm and this time, I felt like the delivery was something I did, not something that was done to me. There was zero trauma even though the birth was 'worse' and the difference was the way I was treated.

The trauma I felt after I had my first really affected our bond. I feel like I went a bit crazy even though I was reaching out to anyone who would listen and everyone told me to get over it, in one coded way or another. Each time I heard 'put it behind you' or 'the most important thing is a healthy baby', I felt like I was screaming into a huge dark abyss and no sound was coming out. I didnt breastfeed for long as I felt so detached from my child for months. I had so wanted to be a mother and felt like I didnt know who this baby was, as the experience had been so terrible and I couldnt process any of my emotions without someone piling the guilt and invalidation on me.

Labour is a horrible experience, painful and terrifying at times, and it's a fine line between feeling like staff are implicit in your suffering due to the lack of compassion and feeling like they are on your side and see you as a person. I get so upset at posts which make the case that women who are traumatised were just naive and didnt know what to expect. I have never felt as alone and desperate as I did when my eldest was born, just like I was another hysterical pregnant woman on the conveyor belt. I cry every year coming up to my son's birthday (he is 6): for how I felt and for what it did to the first 2 years of our relationship. I almost cant bear to continue going through the posts as there is a part of me which falls apart when I hear how women need to just toughen up and get on with it.

OP, I totally, totally get you. I'm welling up now remembering that feeling of voicelessness and loneliness

It does get better though. Please get counselling x