Horrific birth experience - don’t read if your pregnant

[Parsley91]

No one will talk to me about the birth experience I endured so I hope it’s ok to vent as I feel horrible about it still and can’t talk about it.

So I should probably start off by saying my whole childbirth experience was affected by two things:
1.) awful midwife who didn’t give a toss about me and was as unhelpful as possible
2.) I had to be monitored during my birth as I was high risk

Essentially I was ignored when asking for pain relief as midwife didn’t think baby was coming so soon so postponed it and also was coerced to giving birth on my back, which was against my birth plan and there was not an especially good reason for it. Basically I needed help to move my body and the only person willing to help me move was my husband who had pretty much been told to butt out at that point.

The pain was absolutely horrific, and I say this as someone with a high pain tolerance. I ended up giving birth with no pain relief other than gas and air which did nothing for pain but made me feel ill and baby came very quickly, causing lacerations and I had an episiotomy. I only pushed for 20 mins and they kept shouting at me to push (hypnobirthing went out the window!) but literally nothing was happening, baby wouldn’t come out and I was losing energy and couldn’t push any harder. Later a different midwife told me that the pain would indeed have been bad with how fast things progressed - baby did come extremely fast in the end despite how it felt like he just wouldn’t come out. I am a very laid back person and went into the labour ward feeling optimistic and coping well with the pain. Dr and midwives literally exchanged incredulous looks as if I was a madwoman when I turned down their offer of paracetamol to help with the contractions. I then felt quite awkward about it, but I had thought it was quite normal for women to want to do without pain relief - but how would paracetamol have done any good anyway? It’s not exactly strong! I was all but tied to the bed due to BP monitor, drip, and two wires for monitoring baby and could do nothing more than lie flat on my back, perch on edge of the too-high bed or stand upright. Midwife didn’t want to get me a ball as she didn’t feel it was an optimal position for monitoring the baby - she eventually agreed but just didn’t fetch one. She didn’t help me move around at all, and my husband, who was currently quite unwell and also has a a bad back, had to help me as much as he could. Due to drip needle in my wrist I couldn’t even support my weight on my hands so I felt like I was trapped.

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis and with pain. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Your baby is here, healthy and I'm sure lovely and at the end of the day, that is a great birth experience surely.

I'm no expert on mental health, but it strikes me that attitudes like this must be a huge contributor to PND and PTSD following birth.

Yes! Well said!

That is absolutely appalling. I’m so sorry you went through this. I hope you have had good follow-up care (counselling, specialist gynaecological physiotherapy, etc… if you don’t - demand it.) I suspect the reason nobody will discuss this with you is because they were negligent. Also, it sounds like you were never offered this magical thing called “Informed Consent” - which is medical staff’s legal obligation to explain why they want you to do certain things (like lie on your back) etc… I think you need to contact PALS.

*Your baby is here, healthy and I'm sure lovely and at the end of the day, that is a great birth experience surely.

I'm no expert on mental health, but it strikes me that attitudes like this must be a huge contributor to PND and PTSD following birth.*
Agreed. I had flasbacks for many months. It was extremely traumatic to know that my baby was about to be born and would probably need resuscitation and not jave anyone take me seriously. I had PND and wonder if it contributed.

@LuckyWookie

My pregnancy and birth experience was incredibly painful and I felt totally unsupported before and after. To the extent that I now won’t have another child. DH is understandably upset because I promised him 2-3 kids but I just can’t go through it again, I’m still suffering pain from the last one and the doctors couldn’t care less.

That’s so sad. Could you insist on a section next time?

@Tiredmum100

This thread is really sad so many posters saying they had a similar birth to the op. I did too, with dc1 although I did have a spinal block before the forceps etc. Sounds like I was lucky!! I think the problem with giving birth is you become vulnerable and reliant on others and as a previous poster said you don't really know what's going on you can't really see. I would ask for a debrief.wotj the hospital, read the book that has been suggested uo thread, maybe refer yourself for some counselling and complain to PALS. There will be one for Scotland. I remember having a heart procedure and lying on the bed whilst the nurse was putting a cannula in my groin (lying flat I didn't know that's what she was doing as she didn't say) I was really scared, her and her colleagues ignored me and were just chatting amongst themselves, I coughed the nurse basically told me off and to warn her next time I was going to cough. I mentioned I was a nurse and the attitudes changed, they started talking to me and including me in the conversation as they probably knew they weren't acting very professional. Talking over and ignoring patients is such bad practice in my opinion. But them I like knowing things about my patients as I believe it develops a good relationship! As others have said, yes your birth may have been a run of the mill birth, but you deserved compassion and reassurance throughout. Enjoy your little one op.

The anesthetist and midwife were arguing over my head at my delivery. Nothing was explained. Everything was just done ‘to’ me as if I were a piece of meat. This was in the days before all the cutbacks to midwifery so God knows what it’s like now!

That’s so sad. Could you insist on a section next time?
Yes, I am so sorry. After my traumatic first birth (as well as what I outlined above I broke my coccyx which the midwife also scoffed at 🙄) I asked for a c-section next time and had a much better experience. I hope you can find a solution.

Oh OP that sounds awful, especially after two electives which, of my three experiences (third), was by far the best.

The drip is fucking torture. High pain threshold or not, the contractions on that thing are unbearable. I had it with my first and it was absolute hell. Epidural failed, gas and air made me sick so I had 20+ hours of no pain relief on that vile drip. The difference is my midwife was lovely and although I was being monitored she let me go on the ball and move around.

I completely disagree with PP saying it's 'normal ' for midwives and we should expect that behaviour from them. It may be normal but they should know that it is far from normal for the women in their care and should maintain professionalism and empathy as a result. I would definitely put in a complaint about your MW OP. That behaviour is unacceptable.

I'm sorry you went through this. I hope you get some closure.

I'm so sorry you had to go through that.

Both of my births were the worst days of my life, completely dehumanising. It shouldn't be like this.

I’m on the fence about this. On the one hand what you have described sounds like a “normal” birth, ie no forceps etc and maybe the midwives have seen it a million times. They are probably also short staffed and it makes it difficult to adhere to every single woman’s birth plan eg the hypnobirthing. I remember being told that whilst you can write out a birth plan, things can change during birth so you need to be prepared for that.

I had a long and arduous birth, had 3 different midwives, had tears, baby rushed to NICU etc, so the birth plan definitely went out the window! I know that can be upsetting, but years on I never really think of that, just glad to have the beautiful healthy child I have now.

However, how you feel is how you feel. Maybe get some counselling which may help you work through your feelings.

Can I just say that it is possible to be hugely grateful for the delivery of a healthy baby and still be traumatised by the circumstances of its birth. Those posters saying "you should be grateful etc" are being incredibly dismissive of the experience of many women posting on this thread.

Please give fellow women some credit. Most of us know that child birth is not going to be a walk in the park. Just how much lower must standards fall before it is "acceptable" for women to speak out? A November 2020 RCM report revealed that more than 75 per cent of NHS midwives think staffing levels are unsafe. Surely the experience of the majority of posters here reflect that reality?

Well said @Stanleysaysyes

I'm no expert on mental health, but it strikes me that attitudes like this must be a huge contributor to PND and PTSD following birth

You see I disagree with this. I could very easily have struggled massively. My baby was born whilst I was under GA. I didn't see her for an hour or so after she was born. The birth experience due to the prolapse was about as bad as it could be with a high risk of problems. The fact that she was alive and lovely and I was ok (if a bit battered and bruised) was the thing that moved me forward and beyond it.

It’s really hard to have a nice birth after a csection, particularly two. The monitoring on the bed makes the pain worse, also probably the scar might make it more painful. They might have even given you a more experienced but stern midwife as you were deemed high risk. The extreme pain can be traumatic but it is so often dismissed in childbirth.

Sorry @Stanleysaysyes I was out and missed your post.

I'd just picked up on a couple of OP's comments as an example but to answer your question.....
If a woman hasn't had an epidural then the area is infiltrated (injected) with local anaesthetic - lidocaine -the same as what you get at the dentist for fillings and extractions.

It's a good numbing agent but you can definitely get 'pinch points' where it may not have quite reached - definitely in the skin layer. I would always give a woman gas and air to puff on too.

If the local anaesthetic it totally inadequate then the only option would be a spinal in theatre like when a 3rd or 4th degree tear is repaired but TBH IMO 99.9% of women don't want to go to theatre for this.

Hope that helps

There is a massive problem with recruitment and retention of midwives in the NHS. It’s a systemic issue. Blaming individual midwives isn’t going to solve this problem.

@boomwhacker. I'm glad you were ok but many women are not ok, regardless of having a healthy baby. We don't tell survivors of other traumatic experiences that they should just be pleased to be alive.

@Tubbs99 I think individuals do need to be called out where appropriate eg chatting and not being responsive to the woman as the midwives were in this case.

@Secretsout

Sorry *@Stanleysaysyes* I was out and missed your post.

I'd just picked up on a couple of OP's comments as an example but to answer your question.....
If a woman hasn't had an epidural then the area is infiltrated (injected) with local anaesthetic - lidocaine -the same as what you get at the dentist for fillings and extractions.

It's a good numbing agent but you can definitely get 'pinch points' where it may not have quite reached - definitely in the skin layer. I would always give a woman gas and air to puff on too.

If the local anaesthetic it totally inadequate then the only option would be a spinal in theatre like when a 3rd or 4th degree tear is repaired but TBH IMO 99.9% of women don't want to go to theatre for this.

Hope that helps

Thank you Secretsout that does really help.

Why out of interest (sorry if this is a stupid question; I have no medical knowledge whatsoever) can't they use something that is similar to when a bone is straightened that knocks you out temporarily?

My sympathies that you didn't get the birth experience you had planned.
And childbirth is a physically traumatic event.
I don't think anything you describe is out of the ordinary, or particularly negligent or poor care.
I'd also advice asking for a debrief so you can hopefully make sense and process this experience, I think there is likely clinical explanation for many of the things you describe and obviously it is much better if these are explained to patients at the time.
Counscelling also could help if the debrief does not fully.

I am going to be brutal and speak as someone with some experience in this field- what you are describing would be fairly run of the mill to the midwives and not what THEY would see as a traumatic birth. This could explain their lack of empathy.

Then they are quite simply in the wrong job.

The trauma seems to stem almost entirely from the treatment you received, OP, and not any natural part of the process. Not being listened to when you have legitimate opinions on how you want to give birth (positions, pain relief etc) and not being treated as an autonomous person with control over her own body, and then the callousness and utter lack of professionalism in carrying out a painful post-birth procedure whilst chatting light-heartedly amongst themselves when you were obviously distressed. It’s no wonder you are left feeling the way you do.

I think a debrief could be worth looking into, as others have suggested, and definitely some counselling.

If you think it would help you, you are well within your rights to raise your concerns about your treatment with the hospital.

The fact this is actually a common experience is why women need to speak up about it.

The care women receive during labour and pregnancy is absolutely diabolical.

Just because it follows clinical procedures does not make it less traumatic.

I had a C section, I was sent home 24 hours later, and honestly had an easy time recovering.

And I thought C sections were the "bad" choice, especially as electives like mine were.

But this is disgusting treatment. I feel so sorry for you OP and every one else who has had a similar experience.

@Stanleysaysyes you're welcome.

I don't actually know. I would assume it's because birth is a normal process, it's not a disease/illness and it would probably be considered inappropriate to anaesthetise a woman temporarily for a procedure - such as suturing - when it should only take 10-15 minutes. It would also probably massively interfere with the process of the mother and baby bonding.

Hi OP.

I had a debrief this week as I had issues with my first birth. It wasn't "medically" traumatic but the care I received was pretty poor and the midwife and a consultant agreed it was "well below the standard". I was induced and they wrote my induction off as having failed, then left me for a full day whilst I was actually in labour. Didn't believe the pain I was in, wouldn't give me stronger pain relief etc, then shit themselves when they eventually agreed to examine me and I was 8cm! They also wouldn't let me drink water for 14 hours... But that's another story! Like you, I felt like I was going to die (genuinely) and felt completely ignored and that if something had gone seriously wrong, it would have been completely missed.

The debrief helped. It certainly didn't solve any problems or change the past but it validated my feelings and also helped put a plan in place for my next upcoming birth.

@MissM2912

I am going to be brutal and speak as someone with some experience in this field- what you are describing would be fairly run of the mill to the midwives and not what THEY would see as a traumatic birth. This could explain their lack of empathy. I would suggest you speak to your health visitor about arranging a birth de brief when someone will go through it with you step by step. You could also arrange some private counselling? It could be a long waiting time before an NHS appointment becomes available.

I agree with @MissM2912

I also have some experience in this field and also had a fairly similar birth timeline as yours (monitored baby, cannulated, painful, stitches although took a lot longer so time for morphine to be given and to take some action). However I consider that on the whole I had a very straightforward birth.

I think the problem here is that the positives birthing/hypnobirthing mindset you went in with set you up with very unrealistic expectations. Birth is a uniquely traumatic and painful experience in the vast majority of cases, it is also a very real danger to life in many cases even in 21st century Europe, but fortunately not in your case. I think this can sometimes be forgotten, adding to unrealistic expectations.

However, how you feel is how you feel and no one can tell you that you shouldn't feel as you do. Therefore you need to seek help and talk through it with a professional counselor. I do think you might struggle trying to talk it through with other mums though as they may struggle to see your experience as the traumatic one or has been for you.

Some people on this thread don't seem to realise that it is not the pain or injury in itself that causes a traumatic response. I had PND and flashbacks. I have experienced extreme pain in other circumstances but what mae the difference was:

• not being listened to
• being left alone
• knowing my baby was in danger but nobody taking me seriously
• being laughed at
• being restrained

None of those elements were inevitable just down to extremely poor maternal care and a disregard for women that was palpable throughout the ward. Other gems include unwanted internal examinations and lack of communication. It was absolutely these dehumanizing aspects which were traumatic. When you treat humans like cattle they tend to be traumatized. Yes, I was grateful my son was healthy but this was in spite of the care we received not because of it.