Horrific birth experience - don’t read if your pregnant

[Parsley91]

No one will talk to me about the birth experience I endured so I hope it’s ok to vent as I feel horrible about it still and can’t talk about it.

So I should probably start off by saying my whole childbirth experience was affected by two things:
1.) awful midwife who didn’t give a toss about me and was as unhelpful as possible
2.) I had to be monitored during my birth as I was high risk

Essentially I was ignored when asking for pain relief as midwife didn’t think baby was coming so soon so postponed it and also was coerced to giving birth on my back, which was against my birth plan and there was not an especially good reason for it. Basically I needed help to move my body and the only person willing to help me move was my husband who had pretty much been told to butt out at that point.

The pain was absolutely horrific, and I say this as someone with a high pain tolerance. I ended up giving birth with no pain relief other than gas and air which did nothing for pain but made me feel ill and baby came very quickly, causing lacerations and I had an episiotomy. I only pushed for 20 mins and they kept shouting at me to push (hypnobirthing went out the window!) but literally nothing was happening, baby wouldn’t come out and I was losing energy and couldn’t push any harder. Later a different midwife told me that the pain would indeed have been bad with how fast things progressed - baby did come extremely fast in the end despite how it felt like he just wouldn’t come out. I am a very laid back person and went into the labour ward feeling optimistic and coping well with the pain. Dr and midwives literally exchanged incredulous looks as if I was a madwoman when I turned down their offer of paracetamol to help with the contractions. I then felt quite awkward about it, but I had thought it was quite normal for women to want to do without pain relief - but how would paracetamol have done any good anyway? It’s not exactly strong! I was all but tied to the bed due to BP monitor, drip, and two wires for monitoring baby and could do nothing more than lie flat on my back, perch on edge of the too-high bed or stand upright. Midwife didn’t want to get me a ball as she didn’t feel it was an optimal position for monitoring the baby - she eventually agreed but just didn’t fetch one. She didn’t help me move around at all, and my husband, who was currently quite unwell and also has a a bad back, had to help me as much as he could. Due to drip needle in my wrist I couldn’t even support my weight on my hands so I felt like I was trapped.

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis and with pain. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

Hi again. Iv read almost all of the posts, most of them understand what I am saying...

The pain was not the issue. It was awful and I thought I might die but the midwives were not communicating with me and I was too frightened to ask if I was okay. To feel trapped, to have things being done TO you without understanding fully what was going on. To have your body not fully under your control as people do things to it and talk over your head, not answering your questions or being evasive with answers - basically, they didn’t explain things properly. Being told ‘baby doesn’t like that’ instead of ‘his heart rate is dropping’ would have made all the difference - for all I knew he might be dying!

My husband was discouraged from speaking for me as he was worried they might throw him out for being abusive if he shouted but he was snapped at and dismissed as often as I was.

I was helpless and at their mercy. That isn’t right.

I definitely didn’t expect a ‘walk in the park’ LMAO who does? However the lovely midwife I had during pregnancy was reading from a different script from the ones at the hospital. She TOLD me I could be left alone to get on with it )ie no intrusive rude midwife sitting there the entire time. She signed me up for hypnobirthing classes, and, I might add, I never thought it would be a pain free lovely experience but recognised the value of being able to relax with some calming music and de-stress as much as possible. All I had wanted to do during labour was sit peacefully with my husband, take deep breaths and listen to meditation music on my phone. Also, I was TOLD I would not be restrained, I didn’t need to give birth on my back, I could move around - of course I didn’t expect the birthing pool but just being able to pace around the bed, lead on a birthing ball or perhaps even a birthing chair.

For those who don’t understand - yes I have a healthy baby, and I am so grateful. But I also had a horrible experience and baby or no baby, it doesn’t make it go away.

Honestly, just lying there helpless, injured, having things being done to your body and your asking questions and then asking for help and your getting back half answers or being ignored - that was the problem. I was in labour, not incapable of understanding English, there was no need to not speak to be like the capable adult I am. If I was insensible for whatever reason, my husband was there.

Thank you to everyone who replied. I am also so sorry that women are still suffering like this. As someone else said similarly, birth is traumatic and if the midwives don’t have compassion then they are in the wrong job.

I think the type of mudwives you have make a huge difference to your experience. You could have an easy birth but if the midwives arent supportive itl b a bad experience and vice versa.
My first birth was horrendeus, midwives practically left me to it. Id asked for a birthing pool to ease the pain and she disappeared. I then saw her laughing with colleaugues and taking her time. I told my husband to remind her. It was horrific. They werent there for the latent phase and when they came to check me i was fully dilated and rushed to hospital, as there was excessive bleeding I ended up with a PPH and a third degree tear/episiotmy. I felt traumatised. And like yourself felt i needed counselling. I was so emotional about the whole thing it wasn't pleasant.
Second time round th midwives were amazing! Communication was clear. I told them if i ask for an epidural please dont make me beg for one because the last time i asked and they only gave gas and air. They were very undrrstanding. I asked for one) they called him straightaway. I felt listened to and supported . I hope you have support to get through it OP. I hope you dont feel alone in this. And know that it wont b like this next time hopefullyxx

The fact that people consider this "normal" is very disturbing to me.

OP, I am really sorry to hear what you went through. I hope you get the support you need to make peace with it. Try to ignore all the comments on here trying to downplay your lived experience. It clearly affected you badly and no one has the right to invalidate (or try to) how you feel.

Some of these comments I find are awful about this just sounding like a normal birth or the OP being naive. The OP clearly was not supported, and unsure of what was going on resulting in the OP feeling traumatized. Isn't it part of the midwife's job to support the mother? I think anyone going through birth for the first time is going to be slightly naive, you can read everything there is but the real thing is going to be quite different to what we imagine. So what you need is someone to support, reassure and tell you about what's going on

I don't want to come across as unkind but what you describe is a comparatively straight forward birth. However, how it's made you feel is very real and I agree with you that some counselling would help a lot. I think you should speak to your GP.

I am a nurse not a midwife but I can only say that every patient benefits from kindness and empathy regardless of their situation. I find it shocking that health care practitioners would behave be so hard and uncaring.
I always remind students and other colleagues that for every patient this is their first experience. It takes absolutely no effort to be kind and caring and gives the patient more confidence to cope . I personally get a lot of satisfaction out of being kind and knowing that I made a difference.

@DemBonesDemBones

I don't want to come across as unkind but what you describe is a comparatively straight forward birth. However, how it's made you feel is very real and I agree with you that some counselling would help a lot. I think you should speak to your GP.

To be ignored and dismissed, to have midwives chatting away while a labouring woman is in intense distress - this should absolutely not be viewed as a 'comparatively straightforward birth'.

Nobody expects childbirth to be painless and stress free, but women have the right to support, compassion and respect during labour.

This was a horrible experience, OP. I believe you should complain to the hospital.

I do think it's common and also as we have never done this before we have not a single clue how this going to be.
I thought my pain threshold was high, clearly it wasn't as high as I expected. I was shocked at how sore I felt contractions even at 3-4cm

I also think that because we haven't done it before we just go with what we are kinda told to do
But you DO have choices. You need to be confident and just tell them "no, I want x not y" stuff like that.
I'm giving birth end of November and this time I am not going to be a meek person just accepting the circumstances. I'm going to be very vocal if I have to be.

The pushing on tummy is to get the placenta out.

I think a debrief would do you good.

I've had 2 vaginal births without pain relief but they were totally different - neither of them unusual per se but the second took a bigger toll on me. Both were 6 hours induced and manual rupture of waters etc.

First birth was long gaps between contractions right until birth and pain was sore but not agony.

Second was agonisingly painful and back to back, very sudden one push and out and a haemorrhage afterwards.

When my second was a year old I wrote a letter to the hospital and ended up sitting down with a midwife and discussing a few things - it made me get a bit of closure about it all and helped them improve their procedures hopefully (couple of things were said which were really horrible, ie that I was breastfeeding too much and deliberately making my baby bloated 🤔 and I was shouted at when I said the babies head was almost out (and it was) )

I've rambled on but basically your birth is your birth - also remember though that your hormones will be everywhere just now. Is your husband generally a bit of a worrier? Him saying he thought you'd die seems unusual to me.

I think a lot of these comments are awful OP. No system can make birth a pleasurable experience, that’s true, but you can and should feel supported, informed and reassured during the process. Do have a debrief. I complained about the first midwife I saw, I hadn’t eaten in a week and she told me it was normal, I’m fine, my bmi is healthy (18.7 down from 20.something a bit over a week ago, a primary school student can chart that trajectory) and I cried. Her notes were full of lies about she reassured me, I complained and they said I wouldn’t be given another appt with her. I asked for a post birth debrief and they acknowledged they hadn’t followed processes by giving me the leaflets explaining induction, agreed that midwives shouldn’t try and override the surgeons by refusing prescribed pain relief etc and apologised. Do speak to them, you deserve support.

Having a nice midwife makes all the difference. I do wonder what motivates some of them in their career choice. I was secretly relieved when a not very nice child at my DC's school didn't get a place to train, she would have been dreadful. I hope yiu are feeling a bit better after posting.

Just reading some of these posts gives me flashbacks to my first birth and the associated feelings.

The only way I can describe my feelings after labour are that I felt assaulted and like a lot had been done to me without explanation or consent. - I was terrified going into my first birth of ending up stuck on my back plus I had bad SPD so it was excruciating when during pushing I was essentially pinned down with a midwife hanging off my leg shouting into my face to push while they used a ventouse on me and attempted to do an epsiotemy with no anaesthetic or consent - like you I also felt every stitch afterwards.

I made a very similar post to yours here trying to process it and was told to 'stop being silly' at which point I requested my post be taken down as it was making everything much worse.

I'm expecting my second and am currently having counselling through the hospital as my experience definitely triggered PND/PNA and I felt nothing for my baby for the first 4 months.
I am very seriously looking into a home birth this time around also as the idea of being in the hospital gives me flashbacks and I feel rising panic.

It might also be worth looking into PTSD as some of the symptoms are very similar particularly feelings of numbness and struggling to bond there is an article below that was pretty enlightening for me recently.

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2017/may/07/i-cant-forget-the-horror-of-my-sons-birth-post-traumatic-stress-disorder-childbirth

@Parsley91 I am not lieing when I said you literally wrote out my birth story. Midwife was horrendous baby's heart dropped once and after that she made me stay on the bed on my back tilted to the side, I asked my husband to kill me multiple times, my mum was traumatised. She constantly left me was hardly in the room, I thought my baby was going to die because of her, the only saving grace for that woman is that when I started to haemorrhage after the placenta was delivered she woke up and stepped up thank god!

My second birth was totally different, did 90% of it on a birthing ball and was incredible until I haemorrhaged again after the placenta was delivered, I was very blessed to have 2 incredible midwives but my husband and I agreed if we didn't like the midwife we would ask for someone else luckily we didn't have to!

I completely relate to your story, OP.

I gave birth overseas with a male consultant gynaecologist (no reason for consultant-led care or anything - he just happened to be the dr I got). Years later I saw him in a newspaper, having conducted life-saving surgery on twins in utero. He was clearly an excellent dr but his manner absolutely traumatised me and I honestly think that the torturous pain I experienced was made significantly worse as a result. He also shouted at me and made me cry at a follow-up appointment.

I had an episiotomy without consent, I had ventouse without being told that it was happening. Everyone in the room blatantly ignored my questions, even when I was crying and screaming. They tried to catheterise me in the middle of everything (baby was stuck and they thought a full bladder might be the issue) without asking or even warning me, and didn’t stop even when I screamed at them - they only stopped when my husband told them to. Afterwards dr checked for fistula but sticking his finger up my arse without telling me! And the stitches me and stuck things into my vagina without warning - even though it obviously hurt a lot.

Fucking shite experience all round and I would absolutely describe it as torture. I’ve had two lovely OBs since and have cried with both when telling them about what happened. One of them said that was why she left that particular hospital. The other looked confused when I told her I’d been warned against an epidural. It was absolute torture and I get it 100%

Sounds exactly like my first birth experience, but it was many years ago, when there were no such things, as smiley nurses, and the best treatment for all things. I gave birth in an old style maternity home,a bit of a grim room, with a no nonsense doctor and nurse there during all my struggling efferts with the difficult birth. I was alone, as my Husband missed the birth.

I don’t think that the Midwives didn’t care- it’s just all so routine for them. And whilst what you’re describing is fucking horrible and traumatising, that’s not a particularly “bad” birth; they definitely will be rating that as having gone okay.

I didn’t have an especially traumatic birth with my first but I did learn that no one seems to tell you what’s going on as the woman in Labour. Communication was between the midwife and my husband. So when it came to the second I was very clear from the get go that even if I seemed totally off my face, even if I screaming like a banshee, I wanted all info directed to me. That really helped, I felt much more in control and it might be something to consider for next time.

Definitely get a birth debrief. I had a bad PPH after my second and the debrief helped me understand what I’d been through and move on.

I hope that you can find some peace soon and concentrate on your lovely new baby. Good luck.

OP, you are not alone. I also felt objectified and tortured.

OP, since the post I made above I’ve given birth to my second child. It was an entirely different experience. I ended up with a British midwife who was absolutely lovely and brilliant. The birth itself was almost identical to DS1’s, but the way it was managed made all the difference. It was a fantastic, positive experience and has set me up so well for motherhood this time around. My first words when it was over were ‘that was amazing!’

All it took was a midwife who actually cared about me and treated me like a human being. She told me what was happening at every stage, she was relentlessly positive and supportive, and I just felt like I was in good hands. That was all it took.

I don’t know if I’ve quite moved on from the first birth and the second one has brought a lot of stuff to the surface, but I am delighted with my second one and I hope that, if you go on to have more children, you have much, much better experiences

OP, your experience sounds much like my first birth. The pain and fear were made so much worse but the lack of care, lack of communication and lack of dignity (by which I mean, being treated like a human being rather than an inconvenience). While our ancestors didn't have half the medical options that we are lucky enough to have, I think they would be shocked at the lack of human care in the modern experience in an NHS hospital. Even 50 years ago things were better- my mother was appalled when she heard how things had been for my sister and me.

The fact that we have somehow accepted this as normal is utterly shocking, as are some of the posts on this thread arguing that because the birth was medically straightforward, it's acceptable that the midwives made you feel uncared for and that's just how it is. Lack of funding for maternity services is at the root of it but the fact we've accepted it as normal as a society is what has allowed it to happen.

My second birth was in another country, with a midwife who had seen me throughout my pregnancy and treated me like a friend. It completely transformed the experience.

*by the lack of care

I had a very similar birth to you OP, my son (second DC) came very very fast, the pain was indescribable and I was left feeling in complete shock afterwards. I remember shaking uncontrollably and feeling completely numb about what had just happened. I don’t think I was mental or physically prepared for it.
I also remember laying in stirrups feeling like I’d been beaten up, being quite roughly stitched by a midwife.
It actually quite shook me, even though it was really a textbook “normal” birth. I found it harder to get over than my first birth which was approx 7hrs and finished with DD in NICU! So much more traumatising in one way but I found the labour much more manageable over a longer period.

You will get over it OP. I don’t think any birth is particularly nice. Just concentrate on the positives - your body was able to deliver your baby into the world safely. You managed with the pain, even though it’s the hardest thing you ever did! Try and rest physically and take care of yourself mentally too

Sorry to hear you had such an awful experience.I suppose the NHS is so stretched and staff overworked, it's difficult to provide a great service when morale is low. My birth experience was horrific too and I am not going into too much detail, but I lost over 3 liters of blood and was so close to death, all of it was entirely avoidable if the midwives and registrar were competent enough to do their job. Throughout the birth, I was denied painkillers everytime I asked for it as the pain was excruciating, my DS's head circumference is 99% when he came out with episiotomy, there was no way I'd push it out naturally when the head is so big, but they just let me push for 2 hours straight and watch me suffer. It was a living nightmare. If the consultant didn't come in time, I would seriously have died as the juniors had no idea how to stop the hemorrhage after I gave birth. I am just grateful that I am still alive and really hope these horrible experiences aren't becoming a norm in a developed country with supposedly a wonderful Healthcare system.

OP, I can't begin to imagine what you endured!!!!!! Your trauma is very real and needs dealing with.

It seems to me that the most traumatic thing about it was the behaviour of the cruel midwives - it borders on sadism. Being stitched up in horrific pain whilst they're chatting to each other as if you're a piece of meat is utterly despicable.

They should have cared for you and helped to alleviate your fears and pain. Instead, they abused you.

It makes my heart break for you and your DH (and makes my blood boil over those heartless, nasty bitches in the wrong profession)

You absolutely need counselling and possibly medication. I'm so pleased you have a loving DH on your side.

I'd also make a complaint. They'll be doing it to other women too. They need to be banned from practice.

Please be kind and loving to yourself. You've done nothing wrong. Xxx

After having 4 children naturally with only one with pain meds I'd say yes its normal.
I had 3 traumatic births and one lovely one. I'm now in baby 5 who is due next year and I'm asking for a section mainly because I'm to scared to go through that again. I also have white coat syndrome from it all.

I had 3 DC and in each birth they left it too late for me to have an epidural despite me have made the request during the pregnancies, it being in my birth plans, had been discussed and agreed. I ended up with gas and air only in each labour. Fortunately, they were very straightforward births but still very painful and I would have been much happier with an epidural. I kept asking during labour and reminding them about the epidural and saying it would get too late like the previous time and it felt each time like they did not want to do it and thought I would manage with just gas and air. I did but it wasn't what I wanted.Two of the midwives were not horrible but nor were they kind and very supportive. They were either quite clinical or did not seem very interested really- a process to be gone through. The first midwife was lovely.

Your experience sounds awful OP. The level of distress you suffered comes through very clearly and is still so raw. I'm so sorry.