Horrific birth experience - don’t read if your pregnant

[Parsley91]

No one will talk to me about the birth experience I endured so I hope it’s ok to vent as I feel horrible about it still and can’t talk about it.

So I should probably start off by saying my whole childbirth experience was affected by two things:
1.) awful midwife who didn’t give a toss about me and was as unhelpful as possible
2.) I had to be monitored during my birth as I was high risk

Essentially I was ignored when asking for pain relief as midwife didn’t think baby was coming so soon so postponed it and also was coerced to giving birth on my back, which was against my birth plan and there was not an especially good reason for it. Basically I needed help to move my body and the only person willing to help me move was my husband who had pretty much been told to butt out at that point.

The pain was absolutely horrific, and I say this as someone with a high pain tolerance. I ended up giving birth with no pain relief other than gas and air which did nothing for pain but made me feel ill and baby came very quickly, causing lacerations and I had an episiotomy. I only pushed for 20 mins and they kept shouting at me to push (hypnobirthing went out the window!) but literally nothing was happening, baby wouldn’t come out and I was losing energy and couldn’t push any harder. Later a different midwife told me that the pain would indeed have been bad with how fast things progressed - baby did come extremely fast in the end despite how it felt like he just wouldn’t come out. I am a very laid back person and went into the labour ward feeling optimistic and coping well with the pain. Dr and midwives literally exchanged incredulous looks as if I was a madwoman when I turned down their offer of paracetamol to help with the contractions. I then felt quite awkward about it, but I had thought it was quite normal for women to want to do without pain relief - but how would paracetamol have done any good anyway? It’s not exactly strong! I was all but tied to the bed due to BP monitor, drip, and two wires for monitoring baby and could do nothing more than lie flat on my back, perch on edge of the too-high bed or stand upright. Midwife didn’t want to get me a ball as she didn’t feel it was an optimal position for monitoring the baby - she eventually agreed but just didn’t fetch one. She didn’t help me move around at all, and my husband, who was currently quite unwell and also has a a bad back, had to help me as much as he could. Due to drip needle in my wrist I couldn’t even support my weight on my hands so I felt like I was trapped.

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis and with pain. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

@PanamaPattie

Midwives and obstetricians don’t see you as a person. You are just a lump of meat. All they care about is getting the baby out alive with as little paperwork as possible.

Ridiculous generalising

I can see how this is really hard for you and I think it is awful that they didnt get you an epidural. I wanted a water birth but ended up on a bed due to baby needed to be monitored, however my experience was different to yours as I got the epidural I requested.

OP I had a fairly textbook birth (induction, forceps etc) with nothing majorly traumatic happening as far as births go but I personally found it incredibly traumatic and it is still affecting me two years on, in that I think of it every day in one way or another.

Things that helped me; birth debrief, when I was discharged there was a phone number to ring in one of the leaflets. It personally helped me a lot to process why decisions were made and why what happened happened. From that, they were then able to refer me onto counselling. It was actually a really positive and healing experience.

You could feed this back to your local maternity services partnership if you would just like to share what happened without any ‘outcome’.

If you don’t get anywhere with a debrief and want answers, make a complaint, and from that you should get a written response explaining answers to any points or questions you have raised. Don’t feel bad about doing this if you don’t feel up to speaking to a midwife as part of a debrief. Don’t feel bad about complaining about the NHS, despite what some might like, it is accountable for shit care.

Don’t let people tell you to focus on your baby, and that you are ok now. Because after an experience like yours I can guarantee you may not be ok, even if you are physically still standing. Your feelings are valid.

I don't know anyone who had the nice, calm, relaxing birth often peddled out by hyprobirthing groups and NTC classes.

Childbirth and labour still remains one of the most dangerous things a woman can do. A quick Google shows about 300k women in the world die each year in child birth. I agree more people should be told the reality of it. I think some people are told the reality of it, they just don't want to hear it unfortunately.

I had a shit birth experience with my eldest. I had a consult with their hand up my vagina checking my son's blood oxygen levels while a midwife put compression socks on me and another consultant got me to sign a c section consent form. Meanwhile DH and I were arguing over said c section, with me refusing and DH quite rightly trying to go over my head. My son was eventually born by emergency c section.

With my youngest, his birth was a lovely calm elective csection. The irony is that for me and elective c section was by far much less harrowing than attempting a vaginal delivery. I think c sections are safer and less traumatic for everyone involved. Yet they are said to be more dangerous (I know, it's surgery, I have had two of them!) and people criticise the rising number of csections. If more csections means less dead women and babies, then bring it on!

I also had a pretty shit pregnancy with my youngest. I had fortnightly GTT tests from 28 weeks because I was borderline diabetic but they never treated it. I had borderline high blood pressure from 20 weeks and it finally hit pre-eclampsia at 37 weeks. My bump measured big the entire pregnancy and I had extra scans to check his growth. I had bell's palsy at 37 weeks and ended up having him earlier than planned at 38 weeks. The entire shit show put me off ever having another child ever again. I was convinced I would die and leave my eldest without a mother.

Fast labours are quite shocking. I don’t know why midwives who have supposedly seen it all and are such better experts than the mother in understanding her own body, seem to be so surprised when confronted with one.

I told the midwife after my first birth, that if she didn’t stop trying to stitch my clitoris back together without giving me pain relief I’d punch her in the fucking face. But STILL she kept going. I don’t know how I didn’t go for her to be honest. Even my drip of a DH didn’t advocate for me.

Anyway I always think some HCP have a bit of a god like complex. They work for the sacred NHS after all. There are wonderful midwives and some who are either burnt out or just sadist and need to find another career. Perhaps encouraged into a more suitable role.

I think just writing it down will help you, I know it did me.

I had a similar experience where they placed me on the the drip with no win relief and it was the most horrendous pain I’ve ever endured. They even took away my gas an air but left me the mouth piece to gnaw on. When it was over I’m delighted to say that I called all of them every expletive under the sun and accused them all of torture.

As time has passed I know so many women who have gone through far worse than me and so I’ve healed from it mentally. I’m still a little cross though 😬

Wow so many bitter people in this thread!

OP, I would strongly recommend contacting the unit to ask for their 'listening service' or 'birth reflections service' where they will go through your noted with you, at a pace that suits you, to help you to understand the what's and whys of your labour and birth.

From the limited information you've given, it would be usual and in the guidance to monitor your baby continuously in labour as you have had x2 sections. This puts you at a slightly higher risk of uterine rupture, which is an emergency situation and would necessitate the rapid delivery of your baby. Midwives and obstetricians can see subtle changes in the monitoring which can assist in devision making with you, in regards to the safest way to deliver baby should something like that occur. It's often annoying and uncomfortable for women but technology hasn't advanced much I'm afraid so using the stretchy straps and the monitor is the best they have at the moment. Also, any loss of contact from your monitor to your tummy means that the print out of the baby's heart rate and your contractions can be interpreted very differently. For example, 3 minutes loss of contact on a trace doesn't sound like much in the grand scheme of things, but actually if a baby's heart rate decelerates or dips for 3 minutes, that is a trigger for midwives to escalate to a doctor for review and to possibly think about moving to theatre for delivery. That's why it is imperative they know what's going on inside that uterus, it's their only way of communicating with these babies!

Also, unfortunately very rapid births like yours can be extremely intense, and often they are so fast that midwives are unable to administer stronger pain relief in time. Injections are controlled drugs and need to be checked by two midwives before being given. On a busy labour ward that can take a while, especially if it needs to be prescribed first by a doctor wandering off down the corridor or if theyre in theeatre with another patient. It's also not ideal to give this type of pain relief to close to birth as it can cross the placenta in small amounts and can make baby sleepy. Rarely then need oxygen at delivery but on a less serious note, their sleepiness can make them reluctant to feed and be responsive to their own needs.
Epidurals are administered usually by anaesthetists who aren't resident on a labour ward. They needed to be phoned, made aware of the request, a balancing act needs to occur for them to prioritise their patient list as often they are 1 of 2 anaesthetists covering the whole hospital including ITU. Lots of things need to be in place for the epidural to even be placed e.g fluid IV, baby monitoring, epidural medication checked out by two midwives in prep for the procedure, the anaesthetist then needs to insert the damn thing (tricky when women are in pain) and it then takes about 30 mins to take full effect. If nature is taking its course and labour is progressing rapidly despite the epidural being inserted, sometimes unfortunately they just don't work.

Suturing is a tricky beast. I have seen the full amount of injectable local anaesthetic being inserted into a perineum, and gas and air used but local will not take away the sensation of pulling and touch, it should take away the stinging pain, unfortunately it is common for a bruising feeling to still be felt.

Anyway, a professional who has access to your notes may be able to fill in the gaps for you and have a proper in depth conversation around your care, and possible take the lead from you in how you would like your concerns directed e.g PALS, etc.

I had similar feelings after the birth of my first. I had on paper a fairly good birth but she had her hand up so I had a tear that took 6 months to heal.

I honestly don't understand why midwives try and get people to lay down on their back when they know it narrows the pelvis, with DD they made me get out of the pool because her heart rate dropped but then were surprised when I didn't lie down but knelt onto the bed and held onto the top of the frame. That was almost instinct although I had read about optimal birth positions.

I do think the system needs looking at. some people need guidance and a relying on midwives to help them they should be encouraging women to do things that they know help with birth like being mobile and not lying on your back.

I am sorry you were traumatised by the birth. I had twins and when you are giving birth to twins they want them to be monitored all the time - meaning no birthday pool, no ball to sit on - just lying on the bed being attached to wires. I am wondering from what you described if they were worried about the baby and your baby needed monitoring which is why they said you had to lie down all the time?

I'm so sorry OP. That sounds horrible.

I also had a birth that ended in a forceps delivery. It's a brutal process and it felt very out of control. I also could feel the stitches going in afterwards and was shouting and crying but the obstetrician seemed very unconcerned about that. The midwife actually admired her technique, which felt horrible. But the midwife had been very supportive, helping me move around and explaining things to me. I was traumatised enough just by the forceps and stitching. Have no idea how I'd have felt if staff were unsupportive. I think when Midwives see things like this regularly, it becomes routine to them and they are desensitized to it and forget how important and momentous childbirth is to the mother.

You aren't alone. I hope you can find someone to talk to about it. I certainly told everyone I met for a little while to some varying responses, but getting it out there helped a lot. Maybe a debrief with your community midwife or some counselling would help?

Also, all the stuff about focusing on the fact you have a lovely healthy baby. While true. I felt it is often used to dismiss your pain. This happened to you and it wasn't right how they went about it. It's okay to feel however you want to feel about it.

Birth can be traumatic, but I am not sure what you describe is exceptionally so. It sounds relatively standard with the exception of not being able to get pain relief. I cannot understand why they do that to women and i would complain

I felt every stitch for two hours and the midwives apologised for the consultant after, yet not one of them would speak up while I was screaming in pain. NHS standards for women's care are shockingly low. Wouldn't happen to men.

This it’s whats wrong with our maternity services, people believe this is normal?? Sorry but the health and well-being of the mother is just important during birth than just having a healthy baby at the end. Please complain OP. Women do not needed to be treated this way nor should they be. It is one thing that absolutely makes me so angry. I hope you are okay.

It’s called giving birth dear, it’s not a walk in the park.

Giving birth is a challenge for all women. You want to feel supported by midwives and drs. It really is the luck of the draw who is there on the day. Some are lovely, most are not. You’re sadly not alone. Get some help if you feel you need it.

I had a bad experience over 40 years ago with some of the same things and it stayed with me for years .

I'm so sorry OP. I had a similar story although my baby also got stuck, rather than coming quickly. But was talked into having an induction when I had already gone into labour, strapped to bed etc and yes, refused all pain relief. I was also shouted at by midwives when I couldn't get the gas and air to work and told to calm down and that I was doing what women do every day. I was also told to stop screaming and that I would traumatise other people. I developed PTSD in my second pregnancy and lost my voice every time I went to the maternity unit for my appointments. Very strange experience, it brought on a physical reaction in my body. I ended up being referred to perinatal mental health and having an elective section for my second baby.

I would absolutely encourage you to go for a debrief and, if you feel it is necessary, complain. I didn't do this, as I was told by so many people "all that matters is she is here safely". But it isn't all that matters. Lots of love to you.

This is such a sad read. I couldn’t praise the midwives and medical team more with my first birth. I gave birth in Worcester hospital (NHS). They were absolutely fantastic. So I can’t understand why some people are saying it’s normal to feel the way op is feeling. It shouldn’t be expected to be the norm!!!
I didn’t have a straight forward birth either.. I was induced, had horrific back to back painful contractions, drips, an epidural, followed my an EMCS..
It wasn’t this special momentous moment.. I was shattered from being in hospital and stressed but I was cared for really well and given lots of empathy, compassion and support. It doesn’t have to be the way op describes and it’s sad that so many have been through similar.
Op I hope you can get some answers and someone listens and gives you the support you need IRL.

I'm just so sorry you had this horrific experience OP, it is totally not acceptable. Paracetemol for childbirth pain relief - what a fucking insult!!! I can hardly believe what I'm reading.
I had a drip induction and the contractions were absolutely horrific, I shrieked for england. I demanded an epidural after an hour of this and went absolutely mental.
I think they gave me one to shut me up because I told them I'd sue them personally if they didn't.
Nobody should be treated like this - seriously. I would put in a formal complaint through PALS asap so this doesn't happen again and I'd be thinking about therapy for post birth PTSD.
I never had another baby I wasn't prepared to risk being denied an epidural.
Being treated like this should not happen to anyone, totally unacceptable. I've worked in the NHS for 40 years (not as a midwife) and nothing seems to change. Mums need to complain as much as possible or things will never change.

Tied to a bed and tortured is exactly how I'd describe birth too! My vaginal birth was awful - I didn't know it was possible to be in that much pain and not die. I know that sounds dramatic but it's how I felt! I ended up with a third degree tear, hemorrhaging 3.5l of blood, under anesthetic to repair the extensive damage and woke up with sepsis. It was godawful. And afterwards you're expected to be skipping down the ward to make yourself a cuppa and told "of course you're in pain - you just had a baby. Have a paracetamol." Like that would help - I take stronger pain medication for headaches, I'm not sure what it's supposed to do when you've been ripped in half and turned inside out. Not only is postnatal care a joke (I had zero follow up with my tear, despite still being unable to walk properly at 4 weeks postpartum and sobbing down the phone to a midwife), but it makes me so angry all this "positive birthing" shit. Like if you just breathe properly and picture a meadow that will help. Of course it fucking won't- proper pain management, on hand as and when you need it with a bit of compassion from medical staff would be a hell of a lot more beneficial. Anyway, I had an ELCS the next time. What a dream. No pain, proper painkillers and a straightforward recovery. I would never ever ever put myself through a vaginal birth again! Brutal, barbaric experience. I hope you feel able to move on from it soon OP. You are not alone!

@AnoDeLosMuertos

It’s called giving birth dear, it’s not a walk in the park.

Oh shut up you twat.

Chipsandgin what? You had a c section without pain relief?
Op a little bit of kindness and consideration could probably have turned that all around for you. I think sometimes the midwives and doctors forget that you’re a human being. If they’d explained what they were doing and why and tried to soothe you rather than ignoring your feelings, you’d probably not be describing it as a traumatic birth.
My first birth was traumatic and I felt very dismissed by the first midwife. Does anyone know how long after giving birth you can have a debrief? Also is there any way of looking at your notes from labour? My second birth was a breeze in comparison but the midwife after was pulling on the umbilical cord to get the placenta out and even though I was telling her to stop it then broke. Which meant a rush to clamp it and cut it and then I had to push the placenta out. I’d love to know how that’s worded on my notes cos it still pisses me off.

Not wishing to minimise how you feel, but often birth is a traumatic experience. My first was pulled out with forceps while I was strapped in stirrups, I was cut twice with scissors and then stitched...I felt every bit of it. My third I had retained placenta, two doctors put their hands in my womb to try pull it out while I bled out on the bed. I probably owe them my life. Sounds like your midwife/doctor were insensitive to your emotional needs..but unfortunately its not a serene and wonderful experience for everyone one.

Labours are not all the same and a rapid labour is frightening, painful and stressful. The mws were not supporting you or at least communicating in a way that helped you and you were left traumatised. Their primary goals of well baby and alive mother after a vbac were achieved but there has clearly been cost to you. A birth debrief will help you. A complaint at that point will be helpful to future labouring women if you have points you wish to put across. It will be taken seriously. Medical professionals are almost all driven by wanting to give good care and are upset if standards aren't met but occasionally there are poor practitioners or the ability to learn from mistakes so you shouldn't feel you won't be listened to again.
The most important thing at the moment is your recovery so that you can enjoy your family and the above recommendations may be needed to ensure that.
Something that has made me sad here is that preparation for childbirth and for that matter nurturing a newborn seems to be as inadequate now as it was 30 years ago. The focus on the best scenario and the illusion of control still implies that anything else is wrong and a failure. Child birth remains dangerous, it is very painful and can be excruciating, mitigation of pain is often very inadequate and the mws have to work to ensure a safe delivery as a top priority which is often at odds with a woman's needs in the throes of contractions. Antenatal education needs to be improved . I am really sorry about what happened to you. Do what you need to to get over it.