Horrific birth experience - don’t read if your pregnant

[Parsley91]

No one will talk to me about the birth experience I endured so I hope it’s ok to vent as I feel horrible about it still and can’t talk about it.

So I should probably start off by saying my whole childbirth experience was affected by two things:
1.) awful midwife who didn’t give a toss about me and was as unhelpful as possible
2.) I had to be monitored during my birth as I was high risk

Essentially I was ignored when asking for pain relief as midwife didn’t think baby was coming so soon so postponed it and also was coerced to giving birth on my back, which was against my birth plan and there was not an especially good reason for it. Basically I needed help to move my body and the only person willing to help me move was my husband who had pretty much been told to butt out at that point.

The pain was absolutely horrific, and I say this as someone with a high pain tolerance. I ended up giving birth with no pain relief other than gas and air which did nothing for pain but made me feel ill and baby came very quickly, causing lacerations and I had an episiotomy. I only pushed for 20 mins and they kept shouting at me to push (hypnobirthing went out the window!) but literally nothing was happening, baby wouldn’t come out and I was losing energy and couldn’t push any harder. Later a different midwife told me that the pain would indeed have been bad with how fast things progressed - baby did come extremely fast in the end despite how it felt like he just wouldn’t come out. I am a very laid back person and went into the labour ward feeling optimistic and coping well with the pain. Dr and midwives literally exchanged incredulous looks as if I was a madwoman when I turned down their offer of paracetamol to help with the contractions. I then felt quite awkward about it, but I had thought it was quite normal for women to want to do without pain relief - but how would paracetamol have done any good anyway? It’s not exactly strong! I was all but tied to the bed due to BP monitor, drip, and two wires for monitoring baby and could do nothing more than lie flat on my back, perch on edge of the too-high bed or stand upright. Midwife didn’t want to get me a ball as she didn’t feel it was an optimal position for monitoring the baby - she eventually agreed but just didn’t fetch one. She didn’t help me move around at all, and my husband, who was currently quite unwell and also has a a bad back, had to help me as much as he could. Due to drip needle in my wrist I couldn’t even support my weight on my hands so I felt like I was trapped.

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis and with pain. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

To be honest, your birth sounds pretty straight forwards. If they are monitoring the baby then that comes first not you unfortunately and if that means staying in positions your not comfortable with that's how it goes. I've heard about and experienced first hand far worse births than you are describing.

However your feelings are your feelings and if you are struggling with what has happened you should get some help with processing those feelings.

There are some very unpleasant responses on this thread, intentionally or otherwise.

My pregnancy and birth experience was incredibly painful and I felt totally unsupported before and after. To the extent that I now won’t have another child. DH is understandably upset because I promised him 2-3 kids but I just can’t go through it again, I’m still suffering pain from the last one and the doctors couldn’t care less.

This thread is really sad so many posters saying they had a similar birth to the op. I did too, with dc1 although I did have a spinal block before the forceps etc. Sounds like I was lucky!! I think the problem with giving birth is you become vulnerable and reliant on others and as a previous poster said you don't really know what's going on you can't really see. I would ask for a debrief.wotj the hospital, read the book that has been suggested uo thread, maybe refer yourself for some counselling and complain to PALS. There will be one for Scotland. I remember having a heart procedure and lying on the bed whilst the nurse was putting a cannula in my groin (lying flat I didn't know that's what she was doing as she didn't say) I was really scared, her and her colleagues ignored me and were just chatting amongst themselves, I coughed the nurse basically told me off and to warn her next time I was going to cough. I mentioned I was a nurse and the attitudes changed, they started talking to me and including me in the conversation as they probably knew they weren't acting very professional. Talking over and ignoring patients is such bad practice in my opinion. But them I like knowing things about my patients as I believe it develops a good relationship! As others have said, yes your birth may have been a run of the mill birth, but you deserved compassion and reassurance throughout. Enjoy your little one op.

@AnoDeLosMuertos

It’s called giving birth dear, it’s not a walk in the park.

Have a biscuit

AnoDeLosMuertos
It’s called giving birth dear, it’s not a walk in the park.

Oh shut up you twat.

I wish I’d written that instead 🤣

OP, your experience sounds horrendous and I'm so sorry you were not listened to.

It resonated a lot with me, I had a similar experience (was induced so full monitoring and immobile). I was not listened to when i said I was in pain when I was on the induction ward and told I had to wait and would be checked after the 24 hour pessary was taken out. It was taken out at 24 hours (it had fallen out at bit already by then when my waters went all over the bed) and I was checked with a surprised 'oh look your 8cm'. Then had to wait even for gas and air as there was no room for me to deliver in.
Pushed for a while and Dc was stuck at the entrance for ages. I was numb by that point, not through pain relief as only had time for gas and air. I think my brain just decided to switch off. After dc was born I think I lost too much blood as I went unconscious. Came too with the crash team around and on cannulas and drips and oxygen. In my notes, right before I went unconscious it said 'Elbo is complaining of not feeling very well'. I was indeed not feeling very well. My dh was also traumatised.
Recovery was awful, possibly due to blood loss and I felt confused and upset for weeks after, crying frequently and felt exhausted by it all.
I didn't know about birth reflections but I think that could have helped me. What did help was time and a fantastic midwife for dc2 (different hospital) who needed my notes as I still was not sure wtf had happened to me. She read them and kindly said that it sounded horrific and I felt validated.

OP, I hope writing it down has helped. I also hope you are able to heal and recover quickly. I am so sorry you were not listened to

Some horrible responses here!

My first birth was very similar. 67 hour labour. Horrific pain. I won’t go into the details but very similar to your experience and the midwifes were basically dismissive and all arseholes. I developed pstd and post natal depression as a result and didn’t bond with my baby. It was like I resented my baby for putting my body through such an awful experience. That was 18 years ago and thankfully I have an amazing bond with my dd now- took me 3 years of intense counselling and exceptionally high doses of antidepressants.

I had a second child 9 years ago and opted for an elective section due to my first birth and the experience was amazing. The pain and recovery was a walk in the park compared to the first birth.

Birth can be absolutely horrific for many women and we need to stop minimising women’s experiences.

I had a traumatic birth, very different to yours but I have found it very difficult to deal with. I remember the midwife saying "your only at the beginning, your contractions shouldn't be hurting this much" my baby was back to back, I was induced on a drip and dilated extremely quickly. I felt like she was saying I was overreacting. I had an emergency c section and I lost too much blood for them to give me painkillers (is what they told me) and I ended up in agony, unable to even look at my daughter. They told me I must have a low pain threshold. I understand what you are feeling. Its the lack of empathy and being made to feel like its no big deal when you've been through something so scary and horrific. I thought I was going to die too. I am having counselling to deal with the mental health implications and I'm finding it really helpful. I was referred by my HV and doctor and because I have a newborn (4 months now) was put to the top of the list for CBT. If I were you I would definitely speak to HV and doctor and get referred for therapy. They prioritise mothers with newborn babies.

These stories are horrific. Also the thread about post natal loss of bladder sensation and control; some women report their pelvic regions have been totally trashed and they are having to live with the sad consequences. For anybody pregnant who is reading this despite the warning in the title, I'd just point out that many women - I'm one of them - are looked after properly, have completely problem free labours and post natal recovery, and there no reason why you won't too. Which is not to say I'm not sympathetic to OP and the other posters, I think she needs a debrief and maybe counselling too. Hopefully, she will be able to overcome the understandably negative feelings about this experience, and will be able to move on and enjoy her family.

I feel for you. I had a traumatic birth with dd, who is now 19. I have never felt I could really talk about what happened. She was early and in scbu for a couple of weeks.
I think I might phone that helpline, as I know there is a lot I haven’t unpacked.
I would advise you to talk it through with somebody who will validate your experiences. Just so you know. I had two more babies, and their births were fine, only overshadowed by the trauma of their sister’s birth.

It’s never left me.

You're not alone OP.

My first birth was very long and horrific, but fortunately I eventually had an epidural and a caring midwife and a jolly consultant took over. I spent the first year of my baby's life going over and over the birth in my head. It totally put DH off ever having anymore children.

My second birth was similar to what you describe, I'm just thankful that it was fast. DH was incredibly assertive with the midwife, which he shouldn't have had to be.

Like hell was I going back to hospital to give birth for my third! DD was born at home 12 days overdue and because I was able to hypnobirth without being ridiculed and was able to be in the position I was most comfortable, it was a totally different experience.

I think you need to raise this with the hospital, for your own benefit and for every woman who will give birth after you. You also need counselling to help you deal with this traumatic experience.

@Workingfromhomeishell

It sounds like you had a normal birth. Perhaps you were a little naieve about what labour entails?

Fuck that - Labour does not have to be like this!

Why were you on a drip?
Were you being induced?
Why are you high risk -- is that why you were induced?
Was your high-risk-reason relevant to which types of pain relief you could have?

It sounds like birth happened too fast for any pain relief to be appropriate. That may be how any objective review would assess what happened.

IV Paracetamol can be strong pain relief for some.

I had a cord prolapse with my second child and ended up having a crash section. In the couple of minutes before I was whisked into theatre, I had a midwife holding said cord inside me. The pain of that was like nothing I've ever known before and it was a relief when the general anaesthetic knocked me out.

I was offered counselling after as it was so traumatic but I didn't need it for the simple reason that I had my beautiful baby (perfectly well, healthy and gorgeous despite potential poor outcomes in situations like mine). Honestly OP, your birth experience sounds pretty normal to me. It hurts. To the midwives it's normal and they won't play into the drama of it all- for good reason actually. They are likely to chat about other things rather than flapping because they do this every day. Your baby is here, healthy and I'm sure lovely and at the end of the day, that is a great birth experience surely.

I remember that tearful feeling. And the feeling of nobody wanting to hear my story. I still feel so sad for both of us when I remember my son's birth.

All I can say is that the trauma does fade. With my 2nd I had an elective c-section and also found that to be a calm and strangely healing experience.

Epidurals are administered usually by anaesthetists who aren't resident on a labour ward. They needed to be phoned, made aware of the request, a balancing act needs to occur for them to prioritise their patient list as often they are 1 of 2 anaesthetists covering the whole hospital including ITU. Lots of things need to be in place for the epidural to even be placed e.g fluid IV, baby monitoring, epidural medication checked out by two midwives in prep for the procedure, the anaesthetist then needs to insert the damn thing (tricky when women are in pain) and it then takes about 30 mins to take full effect. If nature is taking its course and labour is progressing rapidly despite the epidural being inserted, sometimes unfortunately they just don't work.

Suturing is a tricky beast. I have seen the full amount of injectable local anaesthetic being inserted into a perineum, and gas and air used but local will not take away the sensation of pulling and touch, it should take away the stinging pain, unfortunately it is common for a bruising feeling to still be felt.

TammyS86 this is such useful information to know. Thank you for posting.

I have always felt that it was bizarre that anaesthetists aren't resident on, or at least more available to, labour wards. It smacks of, "we do offer epidural but it's a massive hassle for us" whereas they are offered routinely in the European hospitals which I know and everything is set up ready. I guess lack of funding lies at the heart of it.

And although I understand now why the mechanics of stitching can still be painful despite pain relief, it seems bizarre that in a hospital where people are temporarily anaesthetised to have a bone straightened, that something similar can't be done for women being stitched.

It also seems strange to me that monitoring techniques in maternity units have not evolved very much given the tech that is available to other hospital departments.

All of this snacks of a general policy of "we'll save money on women of child bearing age"and if you read the BMJ's conclusions on 'the Performance of UK National Health Service compared with other high income countries: observational study' the situation is getting worse, not better.

"Maternal mortality in the UK was 7.8 deaths/100 000 live births, which was greater than the mean of the comparators (5.5 deaths/100 000 births) and above the OECD and EU averages (7.0 and 6.4 deaths/100 000 births, respectively); this represents an increase from 2010 values by 0.8 deaths (table 7).27 Nov 2019"

Is it the case that women not represented adequately on the committee's where funding allocations are made? Or that the NHS is underfunded overall?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?
No, you are not alone. I was induced on a drip. Left alone. No pain relief. It would have meant so much to have a midwife who treated me with compassion. When I was moaning in pain, she told me I still had hours to go so I had better be quiet. She then left again. Ten minutes later my son was born. Luckily another midwife was walking by and realised that I was actually giving birth. My son needed his airways cleared as he was born in meconium - I had told the original midwife this as my waters were so dark but she laughed at me and said did I not realise I had soiled myself? I hadn't. It was meconium. I had a lot of tearing from such a speedy uncontrolled delivery. Giving birth is hard and can go wrong but having an incompetent bitch of a midwife was the one thing I was completely unprepared for.

@vickyq1983

To be honest, your birth sounds pretty straight forwards. If they are monitoring the baby then that comes first not you unfortunately and if that means staying in positions your not comfortable with that's how it goes. I've heard about and experienced first hand far worse births than you are describing.

However your feelings are your feelings and if you are struggling with what has happened you should get some help with processing those feelings.

This is not true.. ‘Midwifery’ means ‘with woman’ a midwives first priority is to take care and advocate for the woman in her care.. where you’ve got your information from I don’t know???

It’s also nice to see that you have been completely ignorant and down played the OPs concerns. Shame on you. I hope you don’t ever need support for something you feel is brutal in the future.

Injections are controlled drugs and need to be checked by two midwives before being given. On a busy labour ward that can take a while, especially if it needs to be prescribed first by a doctor wandering off down the corridor or if theyre in theeatre with another patient. It's also not ideal to give this type of pain relief to close to birth as it can cross the placenta in small amounts and can make baby sleepy. Rarely then need oxygen at delivery but on a less serious note, their sleepiness can make them reluctant to feed and be responsive to their own needs.
Epidurals are administered usually by anaesthetists who aren't resident on a labour ward. They needed to be phoned, made aware of the request, a balancing act needs to occur for them to prioritise their patient list as often they are 1 of 2 anaesthetists covering the whole hospital including ITU. Lots of things need to be in place for the epidural to even be placed e.g fluid IV, baby monitoring, epidural medication checked out by two midwives in prep for the procedure, the anaesthetist then needs to insert the damn thing (tricky when women are in pain) and it then takes about 30 mins to take full effect.

What this all suggests to me is that we don't prioritise women's pain. You can have an injection if we're not too busy. You can have an epidural if the anaesthetist can find the time. Because pain relief for women is an indulgence and they should be tough enough to give birth without it. It's a moral failing not to be able to cope with the pain and so you shouldn't complain if we put you last on the list.

In reality, adequate pain relief during labour is a common request and the infrastructure should be set up (and properly funded) to enable women to have it promptly if they want it. If men were giving birth, it would be there on tap.

Your baby is here, healthy and I'm sure lovely and at the end of the day, that is a great birth experience surely.

I'm no expert on mental health, but it strikes me that attitudes like this must be a huge contributor to PND and PTSD following birth.

@Jellybabiesforbreakfast

Injections are controlled drugs and need to be checked by two midwives before being given. On a busy labour ward that can take a while, especially if it needs to be prescribed first by a doctor wandering off down the corridor or if theyre in theeatre with another patient. It's also not ideal to give this type of pain relief to close to birth as it can cross the placenta in small amounts and can make baby sleepy. Rarely then need oxygen at delivery but on a less serious note, their sleepiness can make them reluctant to feed and be responsive to their own needs. Epidurals are administered usually by anaesthetists who aren't resident on a labour ward. They needed to be phoned, made aware of the request, a balancing act needs to occur for them to prioritise their patient list as often they are 1 of 2 anaesthetists covering the whole hospital including ITU. Lots of things need to be in place for the epidural to even be placed e.g fluid IV, baby monitoring, epidural medication checked out by two midwives in prep for the procedure, the anaesthetist then needs to insert the damn thing (tricky when women are in pain) and it then takes about 30 mins to take full effect.

What this all suggests to me is that we don't prioritise women's pain. You can have an injection if we're not too busy. You can have an epidural if the anaesthetist can find the time. Because pain relief for women is an indulgence and they should be tough enough to give birth without it. It's a moral failing not to be able to cope with the pain and so you shouldn't complain if we put you last on the list.

In reality, adequate pain relief during labour is a common request and the infrastructure should be set up (and properly funded) to enable women to have it promptly if they want it. If men were giving birth, it would be there on tap.

Absolutely.

It smacks of, "we do offer epidural but it's a massive hassle for us" whereas they are offered routinely in the European hospitals which I know and everything is set up ready
Not a criticism but it really doesn't make sense to talk about European hospitals as all countries are different! My experience was in Italy. NO pain relief available except epidurals. (And no gas and air). I was induced on a Saturday. After they put the drip in I was told that as it was the weekend there was no anaesethist available except for emergencies and he was busy. So no pain relief. At least in the UK you get gas and air!

@boomwhacker

I had a cord prolapse with my second child and ended up having a crash section. In the couple of minutes before I was whisked into theatre, I had a midwife holding said cord inside me. The pain of that was like nothing I've ever known before and it was a relief when the general anaesthetic knocked me out. I was offered counselling after as it was so traumatic but I didn't need it for the simple reason that I had my beautiful baby (perfectly well, healthy and gorgeous despite potential poor outcomes in situations like mine). Honestly OP, your birth experience sounds pretty normal to me. It hurts. To the midwives it's normal and they won't play into the drama of it all- for good reason actually. They are likely to chat about other things rather than flapping because they do this every day. Your baby is here, healthy and I'm sure lovely and at the end of the day, that is a great birth experience surely.

You didn't need counselling for the simple reason that you weren't traumatised. It was nothing to do with your baby.

A woman can have a healthy baby and still be traumatised by the birth.

A woman can have a poorly baby or a difficult labour and not be traumatised by the birth.

Birth trauma is not about happens, but about how you feel about what happens. And telling a woman that her birth was "normal" that she is creating "drama", denying her experience and telling her it was "great" despite the horrific emotions she has described, is not going to help heal this trauma.