Horrific birth experience - don’t read if your pregnant

[Parsley91]

No one will talk to me about the birth experience I endured so I hope it’s ok to vent as I feel horrible about it still and can’t talk about it.

So I should probably start off by saying my whole childbirth experience was affected by two things:
1.) awful midwife who didn’t give a toss about me and was as unhelpful as possible
2.) I had to be monitored during my birth as I was high risk

Essentially I was ignored when asking for pain relief as midwife didn’t think baby was coming so soon so postponed it and also was coerced to giving birth on my back, which was against my birth plan and there was not an especially good reason for it. Basically I needed help to move my body and the only person willing to help me move was my husband who had pretty much been told to butt out at that point.

The pain was absolutely horrific, and I say this as someone with a high pain tolerance. I ended up giving birth with no pain relief other than gas and air which did nothing for pain but made me feel ill and baby came very quickly, causing lacerations and I had an episiotomy. I only pushed for 20 mins and they kept shouting at me to push (hypnobirthing went out the window!) but literally nothing was happening, baby wouldn’t come out and I was losing energy and couldn’t push any harder. Later a different midwife told me that the pain would indeed have been bad with how fast things progressed - baby did come extremely fast in the end despite how it felt like he just wouldn’t come out. I am a very laid back person and went into the labour ward feeling optimistic and coping well with the pain. Dr and midwives literally exchanged incredulous looks as if I was a madwoman when I turned down their offer of paracetamol to help with the contractions. I then felt quite awkward about it, but I had thought it was quite normal for women to want to do without pain relief - but how would paracetamol have done any good anyway? It’s not exactly strong! I was all but tied to the bed due to BP monitor, drip, and two wires for monitoring baby and could do nothing more than lie flat on my back, perch on edge of the too-high bed or stand upright. Midwife didn’t want to get me a ball as she didn’t feel it was an optimal position for monitoring the baby - she eventually agreed but just didn’t fetch one. She didn’t help me move around at all, and my husband, who was currently quite unwell and also has a a bad back, had to help me as much as he could. Due to drip needle in my wrist I couldn’t even support my weight on my hands so I felt like I was trapped.

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis and with pain. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

Afterwards I was stitched up, could feel a great deal of the needles going in and out, and they did this thing which I am guessing is normal when they kept pushing down on my stomach - I think they were trying to force out any more pieces of placenta, or maybe blood? All through this they were having light hearted conversations with each other while they dug their hands into my stomach and stitched me up as I lay there crying from the pain. It was horrible.

All I can think is, how is this normal? I felt like I had been tied to a bed and tortured. My vocal chords were shredded from screaming (two weeks later my throat is still healing). This, from me, who has a high pain tolerance, who is pretty unemotional and doesn’t over react to things. I’m generally calm and collected and cope well in a crisis. I later asked my husband if I had been overreacting, and he said definitely not. He said he thought I was going to die, and he felt traumatised himself from seeing me like that. We actually have become closer after going through that together.

I lay there in shock from what I’d just went through, at first sobbing, and then silent and shaking, while they all joked about me being ‘out of it’ or ‘tired’. If it weren’t for my husband I think I - well I don’t know what.

How is it normal for women to endure torture like this to the point where those midwives just shrugged it off and treated me like an object as they hurt me afterwards? Many women I spoke to afterwards either didn’t want to hear me talking about my negative experience (which i understand) or else just shrugged it off. Not one person, other than a solitary midwife later on, acknowledged that I had been through something awful. It would have meant so much to me if after the birth someone had put a hand on my arm and said ‘you went through a lot there’ or ‘that was a difficult birth’, but it was treated like absolutely nothing. At one pint, a midwife said ‘she’s in shock’, but no one did anything. My husband just held my hand and held the baby when I couldn’t.

I feel like I should have been offered counselling or something. I’m a strong person, I know I am, but that was the worst experience I’ve ever had, physically. Sometimes I have an emotional wobble and I just cry and cry. It’s so unlike me that I wonder if the traumatic experience has done this. I just feel like no one accepts that this awful thing happened, like I’m supposed to just be okay with it or get over it. I can’t accept this is what all women go through. I know there are a lot of factors actually which made my experience worse (lack of support, being forced to lie on my back, not being able to move or being given no privacy or peace to practice hypnobirthing methods like I planned) but my experience can’t have been that unusual or the midwives wouldn’t have brushed it off surely?

Am I alone in having felt like I’ve been tortured?

I felt I was now IN control, not under control!

They need a major revamp of maternity services in this country. Your story is horrific OP, and you deserve the proper care and attention whilst giving birth. We pay BILLIONS in tax for the NHS and you get this shit, dismissive, patronising service?

There's tons of threads on here about women's awful birth experience and it's simply unacceptable.

I know you mention male healthcare in a pp, and let's face it, if a guy's cock was dropping off he would not receive the care you did.

@Twillow

Sorry you are feeling so traumatised. I had two straightforward and fast deliveries, each was THE MOST painful (and weird) thing I have ever experienced in my life. It's kind of like dental treatment - you can't see it, don't really know what's happening and you just can't practise for it! I also had birth plans for various things that went completely out of the window in the moment. I agree that some midwives could definitely do better at communicating with their patients, but I do see where their focus rightly is and that is the safe delivery of the baby.

I can't agree with the last part of this comment. A midwife's focus should be EQUALLY on the woman giving birth and the baby's safety.

Partly because of the nature of the situation (both mother and baby are vulnerable) and partly because if a woman is traumatised by labour and birth, that might well lead to problems once home. A mother with a mental health problem is going to struggle and that might well affect the baby too.

I had an experience very like that of the OP. Many women do. It really isn't inevitable though. What so many horrific birth stories have in common is the attitude of the midwives involved: lacking in empathy, not listening, being rude, being unkind, even. It is a cultural problem in the midwifery profession, at least in Britain.I really don't think they see the role they play in so many of these awful experiences.

My first was born 15 years ago and I felt very like you do afterwards. On one hand, I felt quite numb about everything, but anytime I had chance to discuss it, I'd talk at length about what id been through and feel very upset after. my son was about 8 months old when I went back to work and then I unraveled and for a couple of weeks I couldn't stop crying. I went to a councilor who talked me through the whole 3 day period in the hospital and really listened and really sympathised. It was miraculous, afterwards I started feeling much better and started enjoying my son ( think the trauma definitely interfered with bonding process in first few months).
Don't discuss it with those people who aren't sympathic again and find a good councilor. It's great your husband is so supportive and knows what you really went through, that will really help. My husband was the same, I think he was more traumatized than I was!
15 years later it's a distant memory but no you re not alone, you've been through a trauma and need help to recover. Best of luck I hope you're feeling better soon and are getting to enjoy your baby.

It all sounds like my experience when I gave birth to my first child. But it was in 1971, and there wasn't much midwife pampering in those days, I was in labour for 48 hours, and nothing much was happening, so had to eventually be induced. thing happened quite quickly afterwards, much too quickly. I was then rushed down a corridor, to a birthing room, and I Remember thrashing about on the birth table., hooked up to some drip thing,. My sons head was previously getting stuck, so induction was decided upon.. the pain was horrendous in giving birth, in fact I thought I had passed out at one stage,as I kind of had an out of body experience,looking down at a midwife,a nurse,and a doctor that were dealing with me.
I had to have a lot of stitches afterwards,.My Sons head was a bit squashed in when he was first born,, but was almost nine pounds in weight, and I am quite a smallish person.

My late Husband missed the birth, as he had gone fora game of tennis !!

Op this sounds absolutely no wretched

I can't believe that some people are saying that what you experienced is normal. I gave birth in a European country where every women gets adequate pain relief when they are being stitched up. Leaving aside the shitty attitude of some of the staff, can anyone here give me any adequate reason why it would ever be necessary to stitch up a woman without proper pain relief? Seriously?

Sorry that should have said absolutely wretched

Judging by your descriptions OP, I would say the birth was fairly normal and straightforward which is probably why the midwives etc were so nonchalant.

I think as a society we trivialise the act of giving birth, and we downplay what a big deal it is. It's OK to feel traumatised, even if it was a "normal" birth. It's still an overwhelming event to have gone through. Things didn't go how you wanted, you weren't in control and you were in pain. That's plenty of reasons to feel upset.

Also, and I'm only mentioning this for completeness - it took a while for my hormones to settle down after the birth. If you're not getting a lot of sleep and your hormones are still swirling around, you're going to feel even more upset.

I've often thought about childbirth and about the fact that we haven't really moved on medically. It's still a very primitive experience and I can well imagine that your DH watching on was utterly shocked. What's clear from this thread is that many, many women have a "story" about their childbirth experience where things were difficult for one reason or another (myself included). I don't really know what I expect to change but I do think that women are just expected to squeeze out a baby, tearing themselves open in the process with minimal pain relief and be totally fine. It's a bloody good job babies are so cute or else our race would be finished.

My first birth experience was incredibly traumatic physically, and emotionally in the sense that it got to being really quite perilous for me and my baby at several points. However, two things happened that were really important: one was that I was freely offered, and got, proper pain relief as soon as I needed it and whenever I needed it thereafter; and the second was that I was treated absolutely kindly and respectfully throughout my long labour by all the (many) medical staff we came into contact with, as well as by my partner. I think that saved me from what could have been a really mentally torturous time afterwards - I was still pretty traumatised by the whole thing but I never felt at any point that anyone could have been kinder or that things could have been different if anyone’s attitude was changed. I did still have that sense though that I had been in something equivalent to a car crash and it was mind boggling that not only was no one really talking about it afterwards, but I was being sent home to look after a nocturnal creature!

I have to say I think hypnobirthing is a mixed blessing. I have no doubt that lots of women do find it incredibly useful and empowering in the way that it’s meant to be. On the other hand I used a very popular digital hypnobirthing pack and in hindsight I was quite pissed off by a lot of it - ‘labour is meant to feel good’, give me a break. That didn’t not feel good because I didn’t get into the right mindset or because I didn’t have fairy lights on. Ditto ‘my baby will come when my baby is ready’ - mine didn’t and wouldn’t have, since she was being stopped from coming by the cord that was strangling her every time she tried. Ultimately these things are (pretty expensive) money makers for the people that sell them and it’s a lot higher stakes for you than them if your expectations are skewed as a result.

This sounds awful. I follow Make Birth Better on Instagram they share all kinds of supportive stuff on there for women who have gone through this, it’s run by a psychologist @birthbetter

As someone who went through a similar experience, I really sympathise. You are suffering from PTSD. I would ask to speak to someone in the hospital to review what happened, as others have suggested. Also ask your GP if there is specialist counselling you can access.
My experience of midwives was not positive at all.

TBH Sone of that sounds fairly standard for giving birth. But I think I remember reading that one of the biggest impacts on whether a woman perceives her birth as traumatic or not is whether she feels she is being listened to and treated with empathy.

I ended up with an assisted delivery for my first, and I think it would have been more traumatic if I had not been treated with respect by the delivery team. They were great. The OB especially. She even came up to see me on the post natal ward avd explained what had happened and that none of it was anything to do with me doing anything "wrong". It made me feel seen and validated. She was fantastic and talked me through the procedure at the time. Had I not had that I do think i probably would have felt like a lump of meat!

So it may be that the biggest issue was the lack of respect you felt from the staff and lack iof empathy?

What you’ve written sounds very familiar. Our whole attitude to childbirth is wrong, and maternity services are massively underfunded meaning there isn’t the attention given to training, recruitment and ongoing support for midwives which would make a difference to women’s experiences.
I would ask for a debrief. I debated it and didn’t, and now regret it. I will never know why I was denied pain relief and it still upsets me to think about it.
The hurt and upset does get better with time though. As you get to know your baby and the child they grow into, it becomes a horrible thing you had to go through in order to have this wonderful person in your life.
Be kind to yourself, you are right to feel hurt but it won’t always feel this traumatising

@fiveminutebreak You are absolutely right. In my case the worst part was the eye rolling and being told in a patronising way that I couldn’t possibly be in pain, and then being abandoned and left to scream alone right up until giving birth. Had someone spoken to me like an adult I would have coped much better.

I feel very sorry for you. It doesn't matter at all what anyone else thinks, if you feel traumatised and as though you weren't cared for, you need support. Definitely ask for a debrief with a professional, and you may want to contact the Birth Trauma Association, they are amazing x

That sounds really traumatic. The midwives were wrong to underestimate your pain. I have heard so many women say that they knew the baby was coming and the midwives underestimated them. Why do midwives and doctors always assume women are being hysterical? Sadly many medical professional become desensitised to these traumatic events and therefore see it as no big deal. But it's a big deal to you. I think it would be worth contacting the hospital to say you wish they had been kinder and more understanding and it might prevent this experience happening to someone else.

With regards to having to lie on the bed, I do think this was the best decision if you were high risk and it makes it easier for them to monitor the baby. Their priority needs to be keeping you and the baby alive. They don't explain this to you like that in the moment because they don't want you to panic.

I think we are sold this story of birth where we are able to freely walk around the room, have aroma therapy and a water birth, but this is only ever the case if you are low risk. I wish midwives would be more up front about the reality of birth, rather than giving people unrealistic expectations.

The UKs attitude to birth is shit. I also had a bad experience - 3rd degree tear, massive bleed after being stitched, consultant put her hand inside me without consent and rooted around regardless of me crying in pain and begging her to stop, covid so OH had to leave as soon as I gave birth, midwife promised to watch DD whilst I showered but actually left her in the cubicle screaming her head off.
Eventually it gets to the point where you don’t think of it every day, my DD is 1 now and the intrusive thoughts only creep up every once in a while.

I don't understand why all the women on this thread haven't been told to request through their HV, that they have one of those 'de-brief sessions where you talk through your birth'?

So sorry you experienced this OP- I think it’s great you’ve recognised what a traumatic experience this was for you and how it is still affecting you now. Most hospital trusts offer a birth reflections appointment upto 18 months after birth where you talk through your birth with a midwife and they fill in any blanks or answer any questions. I would also speak to your GP and see if they can refer you for any ongoing counselling sessions. Again, lots of areas have a self referral therapy service but predominantly this is for CBT based
Therapy which doesn’t sound appropriate for what you need so GP could refer for something more appropriate.
I also think it’s worth you contacting PALs at the hospital you birthed in- explain the things you were unhappy with and they will pass it on to the midwifery department and will ensure someone responds to you. It’s important to feedback so other women can avoid having experiences like these. From what you describe the bedside manner was lacking, your birth preferences were not respected and you felt unheard during the process of your labour and baby’s birth. That is not best practice and not acceptable. Birth should be women centred and women should never feel like things are being done to them but that they are part of the decision process- the only exception to this may be in a dire emergency where a woman loses consciousness for example.

Honestly, it sounds like you had a fairly standard high risk/monitored birth. A lot of the things you describe (monitoring, lack of mobility, the drip being annoying/painful) are quite standard for Labour ward vs a spontaneous midwife led delivery (I know - I’ve done both).

I think a big part of the issue is them not helping to manage your expectations. Doing an induced birth without pain relief and with hypnobirthing only is very very hard, partly because all of your body’s natural instincts/reflexes/chemicals have been overridden.

Labour ward midwifery does tend to be more towards the brutal end of the spectrum, more about preventing danger to baby or mother than what the woman actually wants, and it’s possible you’ve found yourself caught in the trap of having stuff ‘done to you’ rather than feeling in control of the situation.

My first birth was utterly traumatic. I would have loved your birth in comparison (mine was a brutal forceps delivery where they broke my coccyx and my baby went to NICU not breathing; i thought he was dead). My second birth was much much better but I took control of the decisions, and worked with the midwives. My whole mindset was different.

That said, it’s not a competition and you are struggling. It can take a while to get over a birth. There should be a debriefing service, but be warned, it might not help. You will be able to go through what happened and why, but you won’t get that much in the way of an apology.

I would try and get counselling through the GP, it’s possible that your trauma will be contributing to PND type symptoms (even if you don’t feel it). Or if your work has an employee assistance programme. That might help.

Maybe a complaint? The midwifes care of you was not ok. And we all know this is common. But it's not ok, is it?
The whole system needs addressing.

You sound traumatised. However I don’t think what you describe is unusual. It sounds like a standard birth, to me anyway. I was Kk tired for both of mine too. The issue might be that the midwives didn’t treat you with much care or give you enough information .

Being monitored can make an active birth more tricky.

What would you have wanted done differently? That might help you think clearly.

My first sounds like this experience, time is a great healer. It may be worth talking it through with someone. I’ll always remember my MIL saying it’s called labour for a reason

It took me a very long time to come round to having baby 2. But my second was entirely different, just paracetamol and water birth - even though I was high risk.

Sorry your birth didn't go the way you planned. I had a similar experience in that I was brushed off by the midwife when i got to hospital even though I was in a lot of pain. She was almost tutting me because I hadn't given birth before and I was saying I'm sure the baby is coming, she didn't examine me any walked off to get some pethidine but I was in so much pain I pressed the buzzer and when she came back she said patronisingly, come on I can't get the pethidine if you buzz me back in so quickly I just went mad in pain I grabbed her arm and said I am in soooo much pain you have to help me she ripped down my leggings and pants I was so humiliated, she then told me to get on the bed, my waters had broken a few hours before at home but I didn't know much about anything.
She then said oh yes baby's coming out matter of fact and said it's too late for pain relief.
Unfortunately, I didn't feel I could go through that again and 8 years later my dc is an only because of it. I can vividly remember the pain.

After the birth I had a lot of tearing and needed stitches, the nurses wouldn't believe me when I said I could feel every stitch going in, again they laughed and said no you can't we've done the anaesthetic and i said no I can feel every time the needle is going through (it was incredibly painful) when they refused more pain relief I accidentally kicked one in the face like a reflex in pain. That's the only thing that got me more pain relief but I was more stressed than ever at this point,

One thing I really wish I'd got was a birth debrief to explain what's normal and what's not, I had such an unkind experience and I don't think people should do the job of a midwife for the sake of it, it really is the kind of job where empathy can make all the difference and in my case it meant I was too scared to give birth again.
I didn't have high expectations either so I am still to this day so shocked you can be treated so mean at what can be a terrifying time.

Sorry that happened to you

*monitored.