Father Friendly Maternity Units

[April2020Mum]

Hi All,

I just read an article saying that Scotland are trying to make their maternity wards more friendly post-birth. I was really surprised when in 2017 my partner was thrown out post-birth at 02.30am despite us living over 2.5 hours away etc. This was from Glasgow Royal Alexandra. I'm pregnant again and keen to go somewhere that has a less dated view on the presence of fathers post birth this time around if possible. Does anyone know how you find this out / anybody know if the Royal Alexandra has seen the light?

Thank you ladies

Not the same area but i had the same with my OH when we had DS 6 years ago. I had our DD in November and it was completely different. I had a 5 day stay and he was allowed to stay 24/7. The midwives even went to go find him the chair that pulls out into a bed. Made so much difference that i had company and help. Dh didnt feel like a visitor or stuck at home while i did everything and had a nice chance to bond with her x

I honestly can't think of anything worse than random men on a ward with me post birth. I just wouldn't be able to relax. The idea bothered me so much that I called the maternity units of my local hospitals to enquire about their policies and picked one which didn't allow men to stay. So if you ring them they'll tell you!

No experience in Scotland but here (East Midlands) they have a more modern and revised policy now and husbands can stay overnight thank goodness. Couldn't have got through my first without mine.
Give them a ring to check though OP.

I think it's great if fathers can stay, but only if it's private rooms which isn't the case in most maternity units.

I can't think of anything worse. Trying to sleep and recover from birth (or surgery even) with only a curtain seperating you from a snoring bloke you don't even know.

I had a baby in August in the borders hospital, and DH was allowed to come and go as he pleased. I was in for 2 nights before i had her but he left and went home for rest (which i knew he would need!) - but some men did stay overnight with their partners but were all respectful and i didn't feel uncomfortable at any point.

After birth - i was in a private room, but in the ward i didn't notice any men there overnight but could come and go all day.

the thing is that if you have your dh with you then in a normal 4 bed bay there will be 3 other random blokes there 24/7. you might be lucky and the random 3 may be ok but you could be unlucky.

not everyone is decent, quiet and considerate.

women with controlling spouses get an opportunity to ask for help in situations where the rules force them to be left without their abuser being allowed to stay.

there is plenty of visiting hours during which dads can bond with their new baby. very little bonding would take place at 4am.

I am struggling with this at the moment. I hate the thought of being on a ward with other people's partners post birth. This will be my third c section, so I know I will be in pain, bleeding, struggling to walk, wearing a nighty to allow a catheter, breastfeeding lying down and struggling to manage in the loo/shower for 24 hours after birth.

Having partners there in the day feels supportive and safe to me. The majority of people on the ward will be awake, there are more staff in the day, and other visitors in and out. During the night, I can't imagine sleeping with random men around. I will feel vulnerable and it will feel unsafe to leave my baby unwatched while I sleep.

My previous two stays on maternity ward have felt safe and supportive. A women-centred space, where everyone is in the same position (near enough). Having men there overnight changes that for me.

I am concerned that I will want to discharge myself earlier than I really should because of this policy. I asked whether either of my other two local (large) hospitals have preserved their women-only overnight policy so that I could transfer care and was told that this is trust-wide.

What about people who have been abused/assaulted? What about people who have been raped? What about people who have a different relationship with non-family men due to religion? What about people like me who just don't feel safe?

I have heard it stated that it costs £500 to have someone in a hospital bed. My hospital give the husbands beds on the ward! How how how can the NHS justify "admitting" healthy people?

I have no idea how to challenge this effectively - if anyone has any ideas I'd be glad of them because I want to challenge this!

@HappyAsASandboy I know some NHS hosptials allow you to pay to be in a private room, around £100-200 for the stay i think. Not ideal that you should have to do this to feel safe however may be worth it for you, it would be worth it for me for a bit of privacy and my own bathroom!

I understand some people have complex reasons for not wanting men around but I do think it’s a shame so many woman find is intimidating and awful the idea of dads being around. In this day and age parents are a partnership. When my first DC was born we were in for a couple of nights and then readmitted as she was unwell for some treatment, DH stayed throughout (on a chair). He was my absolute rock and I have no doubt my mental health would have plummeted without his support. I think if someone has a history of assault etc they should be considered for a private room/specific women’s only bay but I fully support men being allowed to stay to support new mums. Ring your local hospital- some have strange policies like men can stay overnight in the birthing centre but not the post natal Ward so it would be helpful to know where you stand.

They change a lot. My first in 2014 was no dads and was awful
The second, still no dads and awful.
The third I assumed no dads and I was wrong. Everyone else on the ward had help but me as I didn't know he was now allowed to stay. I had a cesarian and help my daughter from 8-8 with no breaks and wide awake. Terrible.
I see where you are coming from even though you'll get a gajillion people on here saying they disagree despite it not being what you asked.
Good luck with your pregnancy, birth and baby

Thank you for the replies. I was hoping to find out without having to ring around and make a big point about it but think that's probs the best option if it's not on a website somewhere. Personally I really don't see the issue. A room filled with four newborns is no place for anybody to sleep and recover anyway. Until we live in a perfect world and everybody has a private room I think we will just have to accept that post birth wards are not restful places. It doesn’t make much difference if it’s a man, woman or four periodically crying babies keeping you awake. Alongside nature’s habit of making mum super sensitive to crying, I think rest is a lost cause with that number of infants in the same room for most.
Given the above, give me the men to help soothe the crying babies, find the nappies etc while our nether regions more closely resemble a war scene than a vagina. For that matter women unable to lift due to a c-section or still feeling the effects of an epidural. I also think midwives are too busy to act as social workers, they were flying around making sure the babies all had their core checks and were fed, not developing the kind of emotional connections that would allow an abused woman to ask for help.
Given I certainly didn’t want to be there but had to, a man volunteering to join that situation, or who has nowhere else to go at 3am is very welcome to share a ward with me, periodic snoring or not!

I have no idea how to challenge this effectively - if anyone has any ideas I'd be glad of them because I want to challenge this!

Try the FWR board, a lot of women are very knowledgeable about the rights of women and the provision of single sex spaces.

@April2020Mum I can absolutely appreciate that you feel the opposite way to me. I am pleased for you that you're able to have your partner on the ward if you want him there. However, I don't think it is fair that those who do not want partners on the ward overnight do not have the choice to sleep in a single-sex space anymore. A balance of some hospitals within a trust offering one option and another hospital in the trust offering the other would seem like a compromise to me.

Also, I do find the postnatal ward a space of rest and bonding. I feel supported by the medical professions being available if needed. I feel secure knowing that meals will come without me needing to coordinate them! I feel safe in a group of other women in the same situation as me.

I am currently pregnant and will be devastated if DH can’t stay. My hospital have a policy to consider individual requests as needed. Dd1’s birth was very traumatic. Emcs and resulted in a 4 month nicu stay. She died (again suddenly and traumatically) a year later at the same hospital where DTs will be born. I have severe prenatal anxiety and despite being under the care of a psychiatrist, mental health midwife and regular counselling, I don’t know how/ if I will cope alone. I am also having a elcs and twins which complicates things even more. I am happy to pay for a room but really wish people would consider circumstances like this before saying men should be banned from staying on the ward.

@Robs20 I think individual circumstances are exactly the reason why the two different models need to be accommodated.

@HappyAsASandboy that would be a good solution :)

I picked a private hospital so that I could have DH be around as often/as much as Zi needed him. I wouldn't have thought to impose him upon other new Mothers in a ward situation.

My daughter's ward was so cramped that there was barely room for a partner to sit. If they were allowed to stay overnight, it would have been horrendous for everyone.

I'd have hated partners being around all the time when I had my babies. My bay was very peaceful outside visiting time, and I needed that calm atmosphere, rather than people constantly chatting next to me.

It doesn’t make much difference if it’s a man, woman or four periodically crying babies keeping you awake.

Yeah it does. A massive difference. Post natal women and newborns are no risk at all to other post natal women.

Literally the worst place to show your appreciation for men on post-birth wards OP. Mumsnet as a whole seems to be vehemently against it.

I gave birth in Leeds and DH was allowed to stay the 2 nights I was in and honestly, I would have hated being there without him, not to mention really struggled to feed DD.. especially at 2am when I was trying to hand express into a syringe, which was painful.

If I was to ever have another, I wouldn't go somewhere that didn't allow husbands and partners to stay.. it wasn't even something I'd considered the first time around.

Yeah it does. A massive difference. Post natal women and newborns are no risk at all to other post natal women.

Well that's a massive assumption. I'd say the post-natal woman opposite me who was screaming down the phone and swearing at all her family members was a risk, to my mental health if nothing else.

Fair point joffrey- but as a post natal patient- she had a need to to be there. Men don’t. And pose a much greater risk to post natal women than other women shouting and swearing.

The obvious issue with kicking a father out at 2.30 am after potentially no sleep for 18+ hours and probably running on adrenaline/euphoria is the massive probability of a car accident while they drive home...

Not that easy to get an affordable hotel room at that time of nights. In many areas hospitals are a long drive away - easily 90 minutes even in semi rural bits of England.

Add in that the exhausted woman has to try to get organised with nappies etc having been deposited in a dark bay with a baby they're a bit clueless about (I was) and then wonder why PND is so common.

The post natal ward is hard enough if you've just had a simple vaginal birth. Add in a c-section and you're desperate for help just to get into a position to feed your crying baby, convinced you're going to fall asleep and drop/suffocate them and alternately dripping in sweat and freezing so it's impossible to work out what baby should be wearing...

Private rooms need to be available and certainly no one should be sent home between 1am and 6am!