What's the most memorable thing said to you while you were giving birth?

[Elasticwoman]

A midwife said to me, as I was going into transition, "This is going well, do you mind if we video you?"

My answer was emphatic, if unprintable.

I requested an epidural during DD's birth and the anethatist came to see me. Wanted to ask a few questions. During a contraction he asked 'Do you snore?'

I've been told i snarled at him 'How the fuck do i know, i'm usually asleep'

While on the trolley being wheeled to theatre for EMCSs after 24 hour labour. By bubbly young midwife. "Ooo - I like your glasses, where did you get them from?"

Whilst pushing out DD2 in 8 minutes (3 pushes) with no meds, midwife "ooooh, do be quiet and save your energy for pushing".

I really wish I'd asked her exactly how fast DD2 would have arrived if I'd 'been quiet' - were they, for example, seeking to break the land speed record for the second stage of labour?

Gah.

there was meconium, and all of a sudden things got pretty serious and i heard the doctor saying:

"Pass me the scissors- no, not those, the BIG ones"

Some bright spark told me that early labour would take ages and we should take a game into the ward to play to alleviate the boredom (I was being induced).

Three hours later I was in seven bells of agony but DH was still hovering over the scrabble board.

DH : Hah! I've got a seven letter word! Beat that! I'm SOOOOO going to trounce you! Oh come on - look at the board - I've set your letters out for you - are you playing or what?

Response unprintable.

I was sat on the delivery bed still not moved from giving birth to DD2

DH "So when are we trying for a boy then"

Me "Can I not get over this one first!!"

After arriving at the hospital after what felt like roughly 26 hrs of (painful!) labour and no sleep "yes you're about 2cm, you'll have to go home"

Then arriving back at hospital 8hrs later and in agony "I'm afraid you're still 2cm, you'll have to go home"

Cue wailing and crying and begging to be allowed to stay and have some kind of pain relief

dd: 'That'll be your hips seperating' in response to my scream of anguish when i stood up from the birthing ball and my pelvis felt like it had just been ripped asunder

ds1: 'Oh, you can start pushing now' when i'd been pushing for 10 minutes and had told them as much but the senior mw refused to believe i was fully dilated. The sight of his head seemed to change her mind somewhat

ds2: 'Can you just hang on a minute for Therese, she wanted to do this birth' My answer? 'No I can fucking not!' He was born about 1 minute later, Therese arrived back to see his shoulders emerge

'You need to PUSH! HARDER! Do you want to be here all night?'

it was the best thing anyone could have said after I had laboured at home until fully dilated muttering 'this is prob false labour, I don't want to go in yet' through every contraction, to slightly bewildered DH. My midwife, when I gave in and went to hosp was stern and matter of fact, under normal circs VERY RUDE, but two pushes later out popped DD, and I hold the womans memory in fondness for being so mean! As it happened we did have to stay all night - but at least I wasn't still giving birth!!!

"Can I have your Snickers then?" my dh, he had ran out to get me some juice, during dd1's labour and had re-entered the room as I was being sick, once, twice and yet again. Did manage to tell him where exactly he could have it!!

"You can't come in yet give us a call in the morning at about 9." Ds was born at 3.20am.

"Its too early to come in but it does sound like you may be about to go into labour. Try to calm down and get a grip." - about 1 hour before ds was born (3rd phone call).

"stop pushing you've got your trousers on!" Just after I'd finally been allowed in.

"Its too late for pain relief"

"you're wasting your energy, now stop screaming and push!"

Can you tell I'm still angry about it?!

One of the surgical team said "we've lost the heartbeat!" just before they did my EMCS.

I wasn't that worried at the time, as I didn't realise they meant the baby, not me! I was so tired after a long labour I didn't realise who they meant until after the event!
Thankfully DD arrived breathing ok. Probably a good thing, as if I had realised who they meant at the time, I would have completely panicked (says a lot for DH's nerves that he stayed calm).

Midwife (very calmly, in a lovely dark room as I relaxed in the pool at about 5/6cm dilated): You do know this is going to be a big baby, don't you...

Me: ngngnneeerhhh? er, how big?

six hours later, 9lb 5oz. Was not too bad really.

After emergency CS, I was starting to panic because I had not seen DD and could not hear her. The MW came over to me and said "I want to talk to you about your DD's laundry bill. She has now pooed over 6 towels."

The daftest thing I said was after my epidural started working. I could see 2 bare knees poking up above the blue curtain thing that had been put up over my waist. "Are those my knees? I though my legs were still out straight where I last left them"

I'd had a lovelystudent midwife and the chief midwife looking after me for most of the day.

At the change of shift I ended up with a right miserable so and so.

I had dilated enough and she told me to start pushing. I was pushing so hard I was making some loud grunting/squeaking noises when said midwife told me...

" there's no need to make so much noise just push harder."

I told her I was pushing as hard as I could and she repeated it again in a rather snotty tone.

My partner at the time actually reprimanded her about it.

10 mins later the surgeon on call came to visit and whisked me off to theatre for a emergency section.

After my DD had been born the surgeon told me that there was no way I would have given birth naturally.

Said midwife actually came to find me after I left Theatre to apologise, for being so short with me.

Still didn't like her though

During my home birth, not something said to be but something that happened.

I was having contractions every minute and MW had turned up with G&A. I was on the bed puffing away and my MW and DH were talking away pretty much ignoring me. I was wondering why the G&A was not having any effect at all and what was the hissing noise. After about 4 contractions I realised that the G&A was leaking and neither Dh or MW had noticed. mid contraction I was franticly gesturing and shouting 'not working, not working'. I then had to wait another 30 minutes for another MW to turn up with canisters that were working.

Oh what fun that was!

dd1: "if you don't hurry up they are going to slice you open" and "don't look down" (both by my now ex-boyfriend)

dd2: "oh you could be in this much pain for hours yet" said by the midwife attending my homebirth, this was thepoint I gave up and started demanding hospital and an epidural

ds1: "shut your mouth dear, and push" said by the second midwife at my succesful homebirth, I obeyed and ds was born very shortly after.

i was leaning over the stairs in agony, very tired and emotional after 2 days of contractions. Dh said to me.....god i could really do without this (he had a cold at the time). can't remember all of my reply but the neighbour could probably fill you in!

[45 min discussion of my medical history and experiences of pethidine etc with very good-looking anethetist]

"Yes, an epidural should be fine. I think you'll like it."
He was right. :)

20 hours later in theatre, one of the blokes holding me on the sloping table asks what I'm calling my baby, and he laughs. "The anaethetist will be really chuffed when I tell him you've named your baby after him!"
We had chosen the name already!

MW to me 'I'm just going to give you a small episiotomy'

me to MW 'Fuck off with those scissors'.

Didn't have episiotomy and didn't even tear in the end :)

Me to midwife after delivering DS2,

How many stitches?

Midwife looks up between my legs and says put it this way I've done a running blanket stitch!!

Just after my son flew out, there was a strong smell of shit. I asked the MW if I had done a poo and she said

"No, its a baby" silly cow.

My doula (in hindsight she was far too lentil weavery for me and DH) saying to me (around the middle of what turned out to be a 50 hr back to back labour) "Try not to think of it as pain" - WTF??????????????????????????????????????????

Said by 3 x MWs at the begging of my homebirth:

"Take a couple of paracetamol and get in the bath" NO THIS DOES NOT GET RID OF THE PAIN!!!!

Begining