What's the most memorable thing said to you while you were giving birth?

[Elasticwoman]

A midwife said to me, as I was going into transition, "This is going well, do you mind if we video you?"

My answer was emphatic, if unprintable.

errr no

Lovely lentil-weaving, student midwife was urging me to, 'imagine yourself as Xena Worrior Princess, going into battle, you are a strong woman, you are Xena, you are.......'

Eventually let out an almighty, 'OOOHHHHH FFFFUUUCCCKKK OOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!'

dh teling me to 'knock it for 6' as i was pushing out ds!

DH going:
Pushpushpushpushpushpushpushpush etc at me....

Err I AM fucking pushing!!!

DP: would it help if I lit the candles?

Student nurse mid contraction, " oh I like your pyjamas where did you get them?" Only had top on but you can imagine

Let's just say I wasn't my most polite

Just as I was fully dilated DH says - 'well done, the worst bit is over now!'
My reply was unprintable.

Then as I was standing at the foot of the bed bearing down through a contraction a consultant barges in with a large entourage, looks at me and says curtly - Get up on the bed.
I said: And you are?
I'm a consultant - get up on the bed so I can examine you.
I did under protest and he catheterised me, stuck a drip in my arm and basically made sure I couldn't get off the bed again.

OOOH 10 years on and I'm still FURIOUS.

In between contractions I sang:

"Why do you build me up buttercup baby just to let me down"

down the mouthpiece of the gas and air. Bloody good stuff.

my midwife's assisitant said "don't shout, put all your energy into pushing". I'd have hit her, only I was too busy putting all of my energy into pushing.

throws of labour in pain on my side unable to move - student midwife asked "would you like a try at sitting and bouncing up and down on this birthing ball?"

Baby 1: legs in stirrups being sewn up, "so we need to talk to you about contraception..." Yeah, like I'd be needing that for a while!

Baby 2: Domino delivery, fully dialated with regular contractions by time midwife got to the house, she told me I was so close to delivery, that if my waters broke she'd have to deliver me at home. Got to hospital, contractions coming every minute or closer and the midwife said to DH: now let's make you a nice cup of tea, then I'll get her some gas and air" (baby arrived about 15 mins later). Nice to know they've got their priorities right.

i remember my horrible old school midwife arguing me when i said "i cant do it anymore"..she kept saying "yes you can, stop being silly" and cos i knew better and knew i could keep dd in there forever and as i was high on entonox and pethadine i said to her" look i'm not going to swear at you, but FCK OFF"...dont remember much of it myself but dp pssed himself laughing

LOL surfer mum

me in early labour with complete placenta praevia, blood pumping out with every contraction; room filling up with people; one doc introduces another to me -

"and this is Mr @@@, he left the rugby to come in for you. He does all our really difficult hysterectomies"

gee, thanks, wasn't planning on having one of those (and I didn't)

I had a planned c section and some more gynae surgery at the same time so kinda knew my consultant.

Before DD was back from table where they checked her out he said to both of us.

'Well I don't think we will be needing any DNA tests'

Me PMSL with relief joy etc as I was then handed the female almost identical teeny tiny version of my DH

DH said to me just after I got on the gas and air: did you cancel Barnaby's lesson tonight (he is a guitar teacher).

I told him exactly where he could stick Barnaby and his sodding guitar lesson.

Oh and mw from hell saying I wasn't pushing hard enough with quite enough discipline. 2nd stage was 17 minutes so I must have been doing something right

MW said "You can say that you're in pain, you know."

Whilst trying to get myself through transition with DS1, I announced that I had had enough and was going home!

The midwide told me that I wasn't going anywhere as I would look a bit conspicuous walking through the car park with a baby dangling between my legs!

MIL: "Did it hurt?"

When I asked for pain relief MW said you are not in pain yet I'll tell you when you are in pain.

and one of the other(i had many consdering i was only in labour 5 hours!)midwifes asked me if i was managing my contractions(i had to be induced with drip) when i replied yes just about she said ok, we're going to double them!!!

My midwife was 32 weeks pregnant and I told her she should go home and rest. She kindly pointed out that if she did that I wouldn't have a midwife. I was also convinced my DP was repeating 'Sclub7' over and over but he denied it. Think it was the pethedine.

after ds was put on my chest I realised I was gonna be sick.

M/w - no dear, a lot of women feel a bit sick after labour.

I yelled at her that I was not gonna throw up on my new baby.

They grabbed ds and put a tray in front of me just in time.

Oh I threw up big time after giving birth, both the first two times Armadillo. For for first 2 hours of DD's life! With my third I steered well clear of the etonox and wasn't sick at all.