What's the most memorable thing said to you while you were giving birth?

[Elasticwoman]

A midwife said to me, as I was going into transition, "This is going well, do you mind if we video you?"

My answer was emphatic, if unprintable.

When DD was born my 1st words were 'what is it?'

doc - its a girl

dh - its a girl? (confused) , oh, its a girl!!!!

(we thought we were having a boy!

After being in hospital for an hour and only 3 hours in labour "ok, the only thing stopping you from having this baby is your membranes. Now the delivery unit is full so we are just going to pop you in a little side room..."

After delivering my 9lb 5oz baby girl, after 3 days of being induced at 42 weeks and having her sucked out with a ventouse and then hung up by her feet and slapped on the bum to clear her airways....my dh shouted out 'its a boy, its a boy!!!' to then be told 'no, its a girl, thats the umbilical cord you can see dangling between her legs....'.

Having been told we were having a boy at our 22 week scan we were all a bit shocked regardless of the cord or not!

With DS2 "No, you're not in labour, why don't you go and have a shower" 15 mins labour H1 delivered him on the bathroom floor, watched by a very interested DS1 and family dog...

Later - I mean

DS - At 2am after 24hrs of labour, MW "you can't have your baby here" on my arrival in the delivery suite . she couldn't be bothered to have another patient and refused to admit me to the ward even though it wasn't busy . I ended up on a M/W led unit where I didn't want to be.

Funniest thing I said to DH sluring my words "I'm as high as a kite" G&A was great stuff!

Not during labour but about a week later after all stiches in a 2nd deg tear had failed MW to me "Well if you were in Africa you would have just squatted under a bush and wouldn't have had stitches in the first place" W-T-F!!!! This leads on to DD's labour.

I point blank refused to push DD out as I had such a horrible experience last time. M/W had a fab manner and talked me round calmly but firmly (just what I needed) but after DD had arrived she said "only a tiny skin tear, no stiches needed. Mind you I did think you were going to rip yourself to shreds as you've got such messed up scar tissue down there." Gee, thanks for that.

With dd1, after being induced and before I had the epidural, the pains were getting pretty bad and I was obviously hyperventilating - I recall dh saying to me oh so patronisingly 'Breathe, breathe', - my reply to this was 'I am f breathing you w*er!!! The midwife giggled!! - dh left the room for a fag break!!

With dd2, just after I'd had some pethadine -which I didn't have first time round!) dh asked me how I was feeling - I said something like 'This is one great trip man, I think I'm the groovy turtles (yes all of them!) off Finding Nemo' and then started to giggle!! Weird but great stuff!!!

Opps, sorry have misread the title - it's not things you said! Had some wine and cannot read!!!

One the correct title remember the midwife saying to me - Oh dear, your contractions seem to have stopped, I'll just go and get the doctor! 2 hours later he finally appears, examines me, rubs himself against my raised thigh and says, 'I think we'd better get this baby out! - No shit sherlock me thinks!!!

"It hurts" and "I am going to chuck myself out of the window". Three stories high and I remember bloody meaning it too!...hence only one child and this will not change! (however he is wonderful and nearly 11 years old). I mean ouch!

About 5 am in early labour, I rang the hospital who told me the mw would phone me. When she did, I apologised for getting her up at such an unearthly hour and she said

"Oh I was out walking the dog anyway."

Hell no! They cannot video you the cheeky so and so's.

i vividly remember scraming I NEED A POOH!
I NEED A POOH! as I was giving birth though luckily i didnt but later just before I was being stitched my other half peered at the end of the bed and said "God it looks like youve been done with an axe!"

Both times I was unconvinced it was labour as I had a lot of false labour for days/weeks/hours beforehand.

With DS, I got to the hospital asking them to stop the false labour somehow. MW examined me and said "you sneaky thing, I'd say you were 7cm with waters bulging" My first thought was "great, I'll get some sleep soon... how wrong was I???"

With DD, mw arrived at the house looking all grumpy as she'd just gone to bed. She said it didn't sound like labour as the contractions weren't strong enough (she wasn't the one feeling them!) and DD hadn't engaged. She examined me just to shut me up and said "I was wrong about the head, I can feel it here. I'd better call the 2nd mw. You're about 8cm"

I'm pushing ds out with my feet up against dh and a student doctor. They are ignoring me and casually discussing the best place to go for a drink in Dundee. Grrrrrrr

'You don't look like you're in enough pain yet' from a sadistic mw who was assessing how established my labour was and whether to increase drip dosage for induction.

Later that night when I'd been in the second stage for several hours, I asked whether she now thought I was in enough pain?

I arrived at hospital in pain and was advised to go straight to delivery. As I was only 35 weeks and had been examined that morning and told nothing was happening yet I went in apologising to the midwife in case I was wasting her time and it was just my bladder infection or constipation. She examined me and I was 6cm dilated. 2 hours later DC was born, but not before I rather crossly asked the MW to "please get your hand out of me" as a contraction came on right as she was giving me an internal. At least I said please (I think).

About 10 mins before ds was born I was standing up, leaning over the bed when I had a massive urge to push. I followed the urge and suddenly dh announced
"eeeeeh youve $**t yourself".
To say I was p'd off is an understatement. The midwife was great, and really told the big oaf off (much to my amusement!). Its bad enough to have it happen, but to have it broadcast was not nice.

DH looked down as dd was crowning and said to me in a shocked voice "the head is massive!!!".

Not the words of encouragment I wanted to hear as I was about to push the head out.

With my 2nd and rather fast labour, just as I was in transition the canteen lady came in with a menu and refused to leave til I'd chosen which meal I wanted...!

2 hours after DD1's 26 hour labour (ending with ventouse and an hour of stitching) I was cleaned up and wheeled to the PN ward. "Do you think I could have something to eat?" says me, I hadn't kept any food down for about 36 hours. "Oh no" said the mw, "Dinner was an hour ago, you should have said something, we could have kept one back for you". Ummm, I was giving birth!

You'll have a designer vagina by the time we've finished with you-said by consultant during one hour of stitching! Needless to say, it doesn't look particularly 'designer' to me!!

community midwife to me on a post-natal visit:
"Do you mind if I bring my student to see this - its the worse episitomy I've ever seen..."

Every person that walked into my delivery room whilst in labour commented 'Oooooo, you're naked...!!' as though it was the most unnatural thing in the world

I told the anaethatist 'I really really love you' when she fitted my epidural (I had been on G&A for about 10 hours!! )

Me: I need to push I need to push
MW: You're only 2cm dilated so you'll be hours yet - 10 minutes before ds's foot popped out, Had been told head was fully engaged
The body really does know best in these situations and not some teenager who was clearly not old enough to have dollies let alone children telling me not to push
Hmm think am still smarting 3 years on!