What's the most memorable thing said to you while you were giving birth?

[Elasticwoman]

A midwife said to me, as I was going into transition, "This is going well, do you mind if we video you?"

My answer was emphatic, if unprintable.

D.H. Breathe in and out

Me It's the only way there is to breathe....

me to the midwife at the deivery ward:"ive been having contractions for an hour every two mins can u give me something please?????

dp:i dont think she's in labour its just them braxton hicks thingies

midwife: oh right well i'll leave her for an hour then do u want some toast and a brew???

dp: yeah thanks love...............................

when she finally checked me i was nearly 8cms dilated and the dp was suddenly all concerned asking her to fetch the gas and air stroking my head.

during first birth, right about the time i was thinking 'hey ho, enough of this lentil weavery now, time for the drugs...' (which didnt happen as id 'coped' for too long and he was nearly born) my mother said
'dont forget to breathe'
which i thought was really quite a useless thing to say really... so i snarled that i was in labour, not a f'ing coma and was unlikely to forget to breathe...
quite pleased with that one.

I was being monitored and was on a drip to get my contractions moving (very long labour).

dh (warching the trace on the monitor) This one is going to be a big contraction

me No shit sherlock, I don't need a fucking minitor to tell me that!

After 26 hour labour and 2 hours pushing my mw (who also happens to be a good friend) shouted...."Come on *** PUSH ! Show me that brown star ! "...nice.

following a horrific shoulder dystocia epoisode, DS finally born (10.4). I had, what was discribed as a deep episitomy - the doc who was trying to, in his words "Repair the damage". My DH wanted to see what was going on - he came back and proclaimed..."fuck, you look like you've been hit with a blunt axe".

Had been in hospital for a couple of hours and no-one had even examined me. Sent DH to get me some pain relief and heard the lovely mw saying "What does she expect, labour does hurt" with all the charm of a dead rat. When they examined me a little later I was 7cm, they decided I could have some then!

After giving birth and being settled onto the ward decided I wouldn't sleep without some pain relief so waddled upto the desk and asked for some. Got a really big lecture "we can't page a doctor just for you you know, you aren't written up for any drugs". When I said that I thought it was a bit unreasonable that I couldn't have anything as I had just given birth and only wanted a couple of paracetamol they seemed a bit shocked, and just gave them to me. Didn't apologise for the big lecture though. Must have thought I was after something a lot stronger, but it would have been nice if they had asked.

I had a horrible time, midwife was a cow.

But, the most memorable thing, was from ex DH.

'present moment, perfect moment, your love shines bright...'

part of a little mantra, that he kept repeating over to me, whilst looking in my eyes.

makes my wanto cry now thinking of it.

thats when he was a nice guy.

I'll never forget that.

pmsl @ cupcakes dinner lady whilst in transition.

thats so bad, blimey.

After getting epidural midwife said ah you won't need that anymore.. 'YA RIGHT BACK OFF B&$CH' she was a nice midwife i was to high to let anyone touch the gas pipe! Bloody good stuff.

Doctor to DP after stitching me up: "Hubbie, can you come and have a look, does that look like it did before?" {one of the most stupid questions I have EVER heard!}
DP (turning pale): "Errrrr....." !!!

DP to me later on :"It looked like someone had slaughtered a cow"

When nearly at transition it all got a bit much and I said to my husband to get the midwife as I needed some stronger pain relief. She came into the room and my husband said "I think my wife would like some Calpol"!!

"stop screaming!!"

Me in early labour DP says 'wouldn't it be lovely if it was just me, you & the midwife present when the baby is born'. Quite ironic as I ended up in theatre, legs in stirrups, forceps and a room full of people.

Oh this is pure brilliant (getting high on the gas and air)!!

After 26 hours of contractions my MW said...'You're not in real labour but I'll put a monitor on anyway' and me saying 'I'm fairly sure I am!!' she did follow that with 'oh you're 9 cm!'. Then as the next few hours progressed 'I don't really like babies' , 'you're not doing badly for a mature mother' and 'what are you making that noise for'. Honestly wouldn't have swapped her for the world though.

As I was about to be wheeled into theatre for cs at 34 weeks, more scared than I have ever been in my life:

Doctor: I'm afraid we don't allow partners into theatre until we've done the anaesthetic.

DH: Thank god for that, I can't stand needles.

During my c-section. Young female (and totally cool) ob-gyn. 'This is a nice and neat cut, you can still wear your hipsters (low cut jeans).'

Pediatric nurse picks up baby: 'Oh she's just gorgeous !'
Me: 'Well, look at her daddy !'

Whilst being sewn up.
Me: 'I can't breathe, I can't breathe ...'
Anesthasist: 'Yes you can, you are talking.'
Me: 'Trust me, there's nothing to stop me from talking.'
Anesthasist laughs out loud.

I really did have a pretty cool birth.

24 hours after birth. MW came to take my beloved morphine pump away.

MW: I can take it out now but if you feel you still need it you can have it for another 12 hours.
Me: I'll keep it, thanks. It's the only time in my life I have legal access to opiates. I'm gonna make the most of it. I have high hopes of writing romanting poetry at this rate. (Byron and Wordsworth were great fans of opiates.)
MW: We'll have to watch you. YOu like the stuff rather too much.

On being told by one midwife that I would have a sore throat the next day if I kept screaming that way - I replied
'A sore throat is the least of my f***g worries at the moment'

'I love you' - To my doula

'don't cry baby' - to my dh who had tears in his eyes - I think he was upset by what was happening - ahh bless

'I want a cesarian now'

On being told that the gas and air was being moved temporarly and that I had to let go of it for a minute 'Nooooooo don't take it away' t

And of course the normal - 'I want it out now!!'' 'I can't do this' etc...

"sorry, it's a bit crooked" - doctor sewing me up.

My mate had Father Christmas "Yo-Ho-Ho"ing into her room in full Labour - desparate to give out his pressies for the First Christmas Baby.

She told hil to Yo-Ho-Off

My midwife said 'the head seems to be crowning. All going well - am just going to nip out to the toilet' and she promptly left me!

Student midwife - going through my pain relief options [very badly]and why an epidural might be suitable instead of the pethidine I'd asked for, and then laughing at me when I replied 'yes, anything'.

Me in the birthing pool, midwife telling me to push again and ds head out I think, I say 'it f hurts', midwife says 'it's meant to, that's why it's called labour'. Felt like punching her if I hadn't been a bit busy.

DH - after 2 days in labour, pushing for 1.5 hours - 'Do you want another one?'

We did