What's the most memorable thing said to you while you were giving birth?

[Elasticwoman]

A midwife said to me, as I was going into transition, "This is going well, do you mind if we video you?"

My answer was emphatic, if unprintable.

Just remembered something. Was supposed to have home birth but no midwives. So went into hospital. Got there and was complaining loudly about the fact that had to come in for Gas and Air. Was examined mid contraction and was told only 3cm. Could have cried so said wanted an epidural - couldn't believe how much it was hurting (had had epidural and pethidine with dd, an altogether longer labour).
Was grunting as wanted to push, another internal 10mins after the last, and turned out was actually 10cm but as waters hadn't broken they'd not realised.

Anyway - ds born minuites later (about 30mins after arriving at hospital).

The midwife came in and LAUGHED at me, saying "this is the woman who wanted a homebirth - begging for an epidural!".

I did not see the funny side.

DH said that from the moment ds was born, all I said, every 30 seconds for about 30mins, was "can I go home now?"

After 30mins the midwife just said "oh go on then". Think was glad to see the back of me.

Whilst lying with my legs in stirrups waiting for my fanjo to be sewn up,a gorgeous Australian Dr came to do the stitches and said "G'day pity we couldn't meet under better circumstances!" Well yes you can say that again!

Whilst holding onto gas and air for dear life

DH "You sound like darth vadar when you breathe through that thing"

Me "If you say that again I'll hit you with it"

I love this thread. My friends without kids would just have their minds blown.

My tale: after 8 hours induced labour I had an emergency c-section. I'd been told I was having a girl. So the m/w pulled my baby out and said 'oh there's a problem'., My dp fainted. 'Its got a willy'....

being told by a panicky m/w and passing consultant that i would die if I went ahead with registrars plan for me. me shouting back" well what's yours then and how come you are so clever?" he just raised an eyebrow and said "experience"

being convinced i would die in the cs and telling my dp how to deal with the finances to avoid tax after my death and him being in tears with panic and trying to shut me up

doctor " i was realy naughty at school, bunked off all the time " just as he was putting a needle in my spine. me " did you get your doctors qualification on the internet then?"

mw; 'please stop screaming so loud, you are frightening the other ladies'

me; 'pi*s off'

after being in labour for 2 days at home, after having been told by absolute cow of a midwife that i actually wasnt in labour( too calm etc etc) - despite having been having contractions for 2 days and starting out at 2cm dilated - we pretty much done it at home. things took a sudden turn and i was bellowing to dp to boost me boost me with the TENS machine ( it was on level one throughout - doh!) and that i needed to push. he reassured me that there is no way i coudl and maybe i just needed a poo. like an eejit - i belived him to struggle to the bathroom only to feel a head in my pelvis. he then informd me that our friend who was giving us a lift to the hospitla woudl be a whiel as he had just put a pizza in the oven! we made it to the hospital with dd born 7 minutes later....

DH, just after I delievered DD after hours in labour and 3 days in and out of hospital as she was 'spine-to-spine' and trying damned painfully to turn, apparently with a hand stuck up in the air and ripping my insides as she did so.......... "makes you wonder how they deal with it in the third world without all the drugs and technology!?!!"

Hmmmm.... not quite what I hoped to hear methinks. Funnily enough I didn't give a damn how they dealt with it anywhere else at that moment

DS2 due in 2 weeks and will punch anyone who tells me I'm not in labour, only 'latent' this time.

Also remember, after having been examined by the entire hospital staff the Consultant finally arrived and had a look. I called him Dr Big Fingers and I did have plenty to compare him to. Felt really bad afterwards as he did me a lovely cs.

"he's just peed all over me, so that's the thanks I get!"
Afetr DS2 was plonked on my belly and proceeded to wee all over my, up to that point, pretty clean nightshirt.

"no, i'm sorry,you can't have an epidural, it won't take effect in time."

I kicked the midwife after a push, I was on all fours and didn't mean it, I heard her mention it to the nurse before I got my stitches. I felt bad until she almost shouted at me for being too jumpy when she tried to stitch me - and made me cry, I was so scared of the pain. Cow.
I also talked a load of complete pants on the gas and air during the stitching, describing to Ben me running on the beach with my childhood dog - how embarrassing.

"I just need to give you a quick internal, you may feel a little discomfort"

HAH.

and the evil consultant coming in to complain that I'd gone into labour and therefore wasn't at home to take her call about coming in for a c-section 2 days later "I did say I'd be calling today" Allegedly I said "Sorry and all that but I appear to be pushing something fairly determined out of my c* and it completely escaped my mind. Now if you don't mind we're busy."

or so family legend has it. I was looped out of my skull on gas and air at the time.

I had all sucessful births and then came child number four. I had an epideral (thank god) and I had been watching tons of birthing shows so I knew things weren't right when my daughters heart rate started dropping. One minute they are telling me it not time to push, the next they are yelling at me, "we need to get this baby out now." Less than 15 minutes later she was born. I was bleeding real bad, she had a knuckle cord, was facing up, and had inhaled the blood.

Today she is 18 months and I would do it again in a heartbeat.

Not quite the same thing but I had an ante natal appointment the other day and had just sat down when the phone rang and the consultant said to me 'Could you just hang on ten minutes, I have a delivery...'He walked calmly out of the room and as he did so I looked at my watch. Exactly ten minutes later he walked calmly back in, not a hair out of place and picked up his pen and said 'Lovely little boy, nearly 4 kilos, right where were we.....?"

During my long, long wait after they'd put the epidural in, I asked my Mum to tell me what was in the day's paper. Bless her, I can still see her now, sitting there calmly reading her Daily Telegraph while my DH tried to sleep in a chair at three in the morning.

Mum: "Oh, I see Mark Oaten's left the Lib Dems after a rent boy said he practiced coprophilia."
Fascinated student midwide aged about nine: "Ooh. What's coprophilia?"
Mum: "Er..."
DH, rousing briefly from his slumber: "It's...er...people who get turned on by...er...poo."

I had just got to the labour ward contractions coming thick and fast and I paused on the way to the delivery room to cling on to the wall and breathe through another one and DH said,

"Are you ok?"

err,no!

I was pushing (deep in thought at the time), then the contraction just fading and MW said to me "Elishea put your husband down" looked at her gone out as if to say "what the hell is she on about" and there was my DH head under my left arm and my right hand had got a hand full of his hair I don't know how he got there ! LOL

after 36 hours of labour, a hefty dose of oxytocin drip, contractions coming thick and fast, a DS who was completely stuck, a failed epidural...they were trying to put in a spinal block and it was taking four adults to hold me down...

...."hold as still as you can Mrs Boo!"

WTF???????

my lawyer told me she is very much in demand regarding mumns suing midwives for crap stitching and unecessary behavor combined with awful care during and after the birth. she said more women should complain and take legal advice. clearly there are great mw's but as in any job bad ones too. its hard to spot them if no one does anything.

after 2days in labour with no sleep what so ever, the midwife finish her shift and said to the oncoming midwife: 'she has a very low pain treshold', took an epidural and another 32 hours to deliver, next night the midwife come to visit me to maternity and i did told her next time she tries to go without sleep from monday to thursday, add the contraction, plus one labour with complications and then she tell me where her pain treshold is. she said she thought i wouldn't make it

Being told not to push when every bit of my body was involuntarily pushing was quite special.

Also, MW to me while in transition " Stop. Freaking. Out!"

Loved it all tho,, can't wait to go round again!

"Do you WANT me to cut you?" no no, I'll push I promise

"No sorry we can't pull her out - her ears aren't out yet, we've nothing to hold on to"

"Goodness, you're having a baby!!!" - no shit sherlock

"Did you WANT pain relief?"

Oh and on phoning the midwife unit while in labour with things progressing quickly - "Just think about how you are going to deal with the pain.."