What's the most memorable thing said to you while you were giving birth?

[Elasticwoman]

A midwife said to me, as I was going into transition, "This is going well, do you mind if we video you?"

My answer was emphatic, if unprintable.

well mine was after i had given birth. I had had a epidural with my second child and after the placenta wasnt for coming out so i had to get it removed. While the doc was doing it the guy who was topping my epidural up said
'its like trying to find something in a handbag'

lol, i didnt know weither to laugh or slap him.

I said to DH through a haze of agony and G&A "Am I having a pedicure?" They have some very rough beauticians where I live, as you can tell

me: " I NEED SOME HEEEEEEEELLLLP!"

(as in " get me some fucking pain relief NOW!"

smiling midwife(in very calm, sweet voice): " we are all here to help you pantsface"

i hated her at that moment.

After arriving at hospital the midwife does an internal while I'm having a contraction and says "my! They are strong aren't they!" followed by "If you relax your shoulders it won't hurt so much".

If I hadn't been crying I would have punched her.

Couldn't wait for the birth of my first child - 18 days late! But after an induction and 23 hours of labour I screamed at my husband - take me home I've changed my mind I promise I'll never mention the word baby again!!!!!

15 years on - 5 children and new husband!!! It was never that bad!! 5 deliveries with 2 inductions and 1 wonderful home birth and NOT ONE STITCH!!!

dd1 - after 72hrs of labour I fell asleep standing up and dh had to catch me. MW pleaded, please will you go to the hospital now? I did.
dd2 - MW obviously expecting another difficult delivery from me. . . "Ooooh" as she had to catch baby who literally flew out in a mass of fluid, blood and poo!!! Poor lady was covered and she was really nice!
Most memorable thing said by me however was "Not if Bruce Lee's not having one. . " upon being offered a cup of tea!!!

lol Ipane...your post remended me that I said somehting similar to my dh when we were still at home when I laboured with ds3....I told him not to breath on me as he stinks....(and it was the coffeebreath that made my stomach turn)....

"Enid, hurry up, push it out then you can have one of these"

said by best friend while dangling glass of champagne over edge of birthing pool

"oh you'll be ages, hours yet, you could go on into tomorrow afternoon, I would suggest you have a sleeping tablet" - I took the tablet and dd was born 5 hours later whilst I was still mid fug

"keep your leg still, don't tense your muscles up" by (different) mw trying to give me a pethidine injection during sleeping pill fug which was being interrupted by very painful contractions

Aparently the only words I spoke to my dh in the two hours I was pushing out my dd was 'this was your idea!'

Mid-episiotomy, the doc shrieked at the midwife: 'These scissors are BLUNT!'

MW: I can't seem to find your cervix

Me: Well that is becuse you have your fingers up my arse.

(Said during Home Birth, in tiny down stairs loo, me on loo, DH sitting on window ledge with G&A bottle blocking ot the sun light, MW contorting herself around washing machine trying to see how dilated I was).

MW I am going to break your waters

ME [high on etenox } no need

MW it wont hurt

ME no, no need

MW there you go told you it woudnt hurt

she turns and walk out of the room

ME for fucks sake DH catch removes mask gesticulating wildly at fanjo

DH oh you saind no need presses button

yes you guessed it baby was there

DH dont do that again why couldnt you have waited till she got back [full on panic emotion]

Slubberdegullion!

my dh told me that I looked beautiful!!!! This was as I was sitting on the loo in the final throes of labour - got back in the pool a few minutes later and dd was born within about another 10 mins. Think he was just delirious from lack of sleep and the euphoria of what was about to happen. Cos I know for a fact that I looked a mess.

I was pushing and someone came in and asked if i wanted to take a phonecall?!!

Afterwards my dp said he wished I hadn't screemed so much and made such a fuss... i was induced and had no pain relief !

Midwife:'Don't scream, you'll give yourself a sore throat'
Me: Oh shut up!
Dh was totally mortified - am v. mild-mannered when not trying to deliver a posterior melon-headed overdue lump of a dd2

DH telling me not to squeeze his hand so tightly as I was hurting him

AFter 41 hours of labour, about 10 minutes after dd arrived, while lying on the bed covered in blood and misc gook:
Me: Can I go home now?
MW: Perhaps you should get cleaned up first?
Me: Hmm... Ok, but how long before I can go home?
MW: Can you give me another 2 hours?
Me: Well, I suppose.

About 24 hours into my 41 hours of labour,
MW: Don't worry, this is normal for a first birth. (about the length of time)

NORMAL? If it was going to drag on that long, I at least wanted to be exceptional!

I was so desperate to go in to labour with ds that when I was in the process of pushing him out my sister asked me if pain was still my friend...

Not said by me, but said by mum-to-be (to her bump) whilst my husband was reviewing her for an epidural: "If you don't come out soon, you're going to f'ing Barnado's".

I got told off by the nurse!

I had an epidural, it was the worst pain! I screamed at the top of my lungs big time!! I had electric shocks down one of my legs, I couldnt control it 'jumping'

She said - 'Dont shout at the doctor! Tell him where the pain is. And stop moving!!!'

Well, I had a few choice words after that!

I also remember I had a massive craving for tangerines while I was in labour too!

"ooh,sorry numptysmummy,did that sting?" said by obstetrician as he made first incision and i bloody well felt it. On my notes "proceeded to general as spinal poor"!!!!!!!!!