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Original poster

The old partners on wards debate - a question

430 replies

Thurlow · 30/06/2016 13:44

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 30/06/2016 16:07

"Because when I am at my most vulnerable I want my partner with me to be my carer/advocate/helper and
emotional support."

And fuck anyone else who might also be at their most vulnerable. What a horrible, horrible point of view.

OldFarticus · 30/06/2016 16:08

Ah, curtains. That you are not usually allowed to close (and even if you do, the beds are so close together next ddor's visitors might as well be on your chair). And that aren't soundproof. And that have to be opened and closed so that patients can get to the loo (bleeding).

Yep - curtains solve ALL the problems Hmm

As I said Mrs my local hospital has only private rooms in post natal, so my needs will be accommodated without inconveniencing anyone else. It is disgraceful that more private rooms aren't available, expecially since we seem to be turning post natal wards into zoos to be visited 24/7 by men/kids/relatives. It's vile.

Dontyoulovecalpol · 30/06/2016 16:09

There is something very, very wrong with your hospital if you are expected to have examinations and be naked without privacy. You wouldn't have any of these without your curtain closed at the very least. No one is going to see your breasts or vulva.

Bear2014 · 30/06/2016 16:09

I am pretty sure the other ladies on the ward felt the same as me at the time I was there. During my 3rd or 4th night on the ward, I was feeling a lot stronger but there was a lady opposite me whose partner had been chucked out who was in a really bad way. She pressed her buzzer and no one came, her baby was crying and she was verging on hysterical and unable to move. I un-latched my baby, put her down and went across the room to hand the woman her baby. I then got her a glass of water and chatted to her for the 20 MINUTES or so it took a member of staff to materialise in the room. Yes I'm sure she would have liked her partner there.

MrsMarsch · 30/06/2016 16:09

I know what I want and I will get it, my partner is quiet and attentive and would stay out of the way. I know I'm
going to have a CS so will be incredibly uncomfortable, and all this talk of unhelpful and understaffed midwives has reinforced this viewpoint. Using religion to get things to go your way, but me kicking off the other way is unreasonable? How absurd.

MissBattleaxe · 30/06/2016 16:10

And oldFarticus way to use your religion to manipulate the system to your minority.

And YOU'RE not manipulating the system by insisting your desires are met whether anybody else likes it or not?

Threatening to discharge yourself? Telling us you'll scream the place down if they ask him to leave? Telling us you'll be incredibly unpleasant to anyone who objects?

WellErrr · 30/06/2016 16:10

Because when I am at my most vulnerable I want my partner with me to be my carer/advocate/helper and emotional support

Well guess what? When I'M at my most vulnerable, I DON'T want your partner there.

If it means so much to you then have a home birth or pay for a private room - don't encroach on the privacy of other vulnerable women.

FFS. Entitled much?

MrsMarsch · 30/06/2016 16:11

OldFarticus I agree that every room
Should be separate so everyone can be accommodated according to their needs. What I took offence at is your using religion to achieve what you desire.

MrsMarsch · 30/06/2016 16:13

WellErr I would dearly love a home birth but as I'll be having a CS under general anaesthetic due to spinal conditions, I can't. And why the hell should I pay when the option is available in the hospital I've chosen (one of the main reasons I chose that hospital). If partners are allowed and someone else objecting put a spanner in the works I would go nuts, as everyone is told partners are staying!

OldFarticus · 30/06/2016 16:14

And oldFarticus way to use your religion to manipulate the system to your minority.

Hahaha....to be honest, I would say almost anything to avoid strange men gawping at my breasts/stomach/vulva/whatever other bits I had on show, simply because it's unacceptable and unconscionable. Do my views count for less than yours because I am Muslim? Another interesting viewpoint.

By all means, blame my religion if it appeals to your bigoted soul, but as I explained upthread, I converted to Islam on marriage, but would have been equally appalled by this idea before I did so. The difference is that I probably would have just been expected to suck it up.

ALL women's wishes should be respected, not just yours.

WellErrr · 30/06/2016 16:15

I know what I want and I will get it

And fuck everyone else, hey?

Lovely.

BertrandRussell · 30/06/2016 16:16

What about my wish not to have your partner 6 feet away from me separated only by a curtain when I am "at my most vulnerable"?

Iggi999 · 30/06/2016 16:17

I had a boob out pretty much all the time on the ward, I tried to be more discreet during visiting times but had a constantly sucking baby trying to make my milk come in. I would neither want to have had to cover up all day and night or to have to sit with a curtain round me. If nursing staff are used to some women having this "help" overnight, I wonder will they become even slower to respond (and probably more understaffed). Loads of women must be unable to have a partner stay over for various reasons, how will it make them feel?

minipie · 30/06/2016 16:18

DD2 was born just after they changed the rules and allowed DPs to stay.

We were in for 2 nights and DH stayed for both. GPs looking after DD1.

We did have a private room and there was a mattress on the floor for him.

If I'd been on the ward I'm not sure I would have wanted him to stay, but purely because he'd have had to sleep in a chair and been useless the next day. It wouldn't have occurred to me that other women would have been made uncomfortable by him being there - after all there are curtains around the bays.

I can see from this thread that there are some women who will feel uncomfortable with strange men around overnight. However I think that has to be weighed against the fact that some women will feel uncomfortable left on their own overnight. Both are equally valid and it's quite a tough balancing act.

I agree that the fact DPs are allowed to stay shouldn't be used to disguise understaffed post natal care.

Alwaysinahurrynow · 30/06/2016 16:18

Having had two sections and my husband having been despatched the first time as soon as I was out of recovery (it was 1am) and the second time, he was there for an hour in the evening (c section was four hours earlier) but he went home to see our other child, you will absolutely cope even if he is not allowed to stay overnight.

I can understand that it might not be what you would want, but unfortunately unless you are willing to pay (in which case you can demand whatever you like as far as I am concerned), your want is not more important than those of other women.

If it's your hospital policy to let partners stay, great, if not, then you cannot demand that they do. However lots of hospitals do allow partners to stay if you are lucky enough to get given a private room, so you might end up with it anyway.

MissBattleaxe · 30/06/2016 16:18

What I took offence at is your using religion to achieve what you desire

I don't find that offensive.

I find it offensive that you are threatening to scream and discharge yourself and be unpleasant to people who won't give your own way. To achieve what you desire.

minipie · 30/06/2016 16:19

OldFarticus the men will still be allowed in during the day though? Presumably that doesn't fit with your religion either?

MrsMarsch · 30/06/2016 16:19

If you are not comfortable/close enough with your partners to not want them there that's your relationship issue. For a couple who are incredibly close, why the hell should we be separated?

My hospital allows it, so yes, sod everyone else! Every other thread says 'be selfish, those early days are precious!' So I'll be as selfish as I can be.

I'll pretend to be a religion that requires constant contact with a partner shall I? As religion trumps everything else.

GnomeDePlume · 30/06/2016 16:20

I would not have wanted anybody's partner (male or female) or anu other relative staying overnight. The ward I stayed on was crowded enough during the day.

Having other people there changes the dynamic. Suddenly the focus will shift to the person who's partner/relative shouts the loudest.

Having partners/relatives stay will mean that the person who cant have someone to stay is likely to be neglected.

Hospital wards are not set up for partners to stay. IME there were already insufficient toilets and washrooms. It would be totally intolerable if a woman had to wait for the toilet while somebody's partner was using it.

BendydickCuminsnatch · 30/06/2016 16:21

This is just going to go round and round in circles, because it's impossible to decide which side gets their way, but for what reason do you object to men being present? Sorry if I've missed a reason other than just 'i object'. I'm genuinely curious and not trying to be goady. Don't your partners want to stay with you?

I think there are equal arguments for both opinions so don't think this is going to go anywhere!

BendydickCuminsnatch · 30/06/2016 16:22

Oh x post with some reasons above! Grin

WellErrr · 30/06/2016 16:23

For a couple who are incredibly close, why the hell should we be separated?

For all the reasons listed in this thread re vulnerable women recovering from surgery and gynae trauma.

You're incredibly self centred, aren't you?

MissBattleaxe · 30/06/2016 16:23

If you are not comfortable/close enough with your partners to not want them there that's your relationship issue. For a couple who are incredibly close, why the hell should we be separated?

Oh for FFs.

It's not a romance competition. It's about other patients not wanting to be surrounded by male strangers when they try and go to sleep at night on a communal ward having delivered a baby. It's not about how much Fluffy and Bunnykins love each other.

Original poster
Thurlow · 30/06/2016 16:24

This is just going to go round and round in circles

I agree.

I was more interested in hearing from people have have experienced this and what it was like, how many partners did actually end up staying etc.

But this is MN and not even the OP gets to police their own thread!

OP posts:
Original poster
Thurlow · 30/06/2016 16:25

I do like the idea that I just don't love DP enough to want him there Grin

I'll prefer that I love DC1 enough to not want two exhausted, sleep deprived parents at the same time, and have at least one parent who is functioning pretty normally to keep life from changing too much for her...

OP posts:
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