The old partners on wards debate - a question

[Thurlow]

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

You'll still have to answer questions during the day with loads of people milling around

Because there aren't 'loads of people milling around.' There are set visiting hours, protected mealtimes, restrictions on visitor numbers, and no children save for the mother's existing children, and only then for an hour.

and why should women go without any support when recovering from birth? The idea that they should get support from staff is academic, it's just not there. Or its not in my hospital at least.

They should be supported by hospital staff, again as they would be on any other ward.
If this support is already lacking, then allowing partners in to provide care instead is only going to make staffing numbers worse.

I insisted my partner go home because I was concerned about irritating the other women.

On the third night I was so stressed at the thought of another night without him (which I appreciate sounds silly but DS is my first and the birth/aftermath was quite scary) the midwife thankfully insisted he stay.

And partners don't always go home on every other ward. The last time my DP was admitted I stayed with him.

I gave birth last year. 3 other women in our section & we all had partners stay the night. They had to sign a behaviour agreement, everyone was respectful. All of my NCT friends had their partners stay too. I am yet to meet someone IRL who objects to this but I appreciate the concerns that are being listed here.

you will have to answer personal questions and shuffle to the toilet in daylight hours as well as night

No. They don't do doctors rounds or treatments/examinations in visiting hours unless absolutely unavoidable, and then you'd be taken to a treatment room.

It's one of the reasons visiting hours are restricted.

It's fascinating that women are considered perfectly reasonable to refuse to have their mother in law in the same house for weeks post partum, but are considered unreasonable to not want a completely strange man 6 feet away separated by a thin curtain hours after giving birth!

A read of the "Relationships" section should help fix the rose-tinted glasses of those who think that new parents exist exclusively in a fluffy baybee haze and/or that all men are trustworthy/non-rapey/good eggs adhering to "behaviour agreements"

And yes, I agree that the above could also apply to women, the difference being that they are, y'know, patients...

New parents exist in a bubble, the new dad in the next bay won't be looking at you try to breastfeed or whatever, they are probably unaware that you even exist

That's not the point. It's not whether I am noticed, it;s the fact i don;t have privacy from other people's partners.

I personally think it's a cop out to save money and reduce staffing levels, which are so woefully poor and which will get poorer when partners staying over in post natal wards because the norm.

And what about single mothers? or mothers whose partners have to stay with older DCs? No partner for them and no extra staffing either because "partners can do it."

Is no one else concerned about 'I'll play the Muslim card' comment?!

I'm having my first baby in December and I would scream the place down if they tried to send my partner home. And if someone did 'play the race/religion card' to try and get their own way, I'd be incredibly unpleasant to them. Me and DP have never been apart for more than a night, so the first night of our baby being in the world, hell or high water could not make us be apart.

Disgusted by the attitude of people here, you're grown ass women, why can't you answer basic bodily questions with men in the room? So so outrageous

Given the antics of the woman and her visitors next to me during partner hours there is no way I'd want him there over night. They were slagging me off, running out for fags leaving the baby to cry, all sorts. Night time was no better as she snored, ignored the baby and caught up on telly on her iPad. Having the bloke there too...no way. All the other partners were fine, quiet and respectful. But during the long nights with all the babies crying, ringing the bell etc. No way, that would've tipped me over the edge.

I am yet to meet someone IRL who objects to this

You probably have, they just don't say.

I have to say this was one of the first things I checked with my midwife when seeing her for the first time this time around as I had heard so many hospitals are offering it. Where there are private rooms, I have no issues, however in a ward unless you are (amazingly) the only patient, it should only be permitted if no other patients object. Having been in post natal for extended periods both times, the experience would be ten times worse if partners could stay.

I know lots of people think it's fine, but as others have said on no other ward would this be considered acceptable.

Wow Mrs Marsch - spectacular way to denigrate my religion! Are you saying that the NHS should only cater for people who don't have an issue with being semi-naked in the presence of strngers? That's an interesting viewpoint.

It's fascinating that women are considered perfectly reasonable to refuse to have their mother in law in the same house for weeks post partum, but are considered unreasonable to not want a completely strange man 6 feet away separated by a thin curtain hours after giving birth!

Yep!

Oh, and my DP was so knackered after 36 hours he was nearly collapsing. Asking him to sleep in the chair which he already hated anyway...wasn't gonna happen!

In the hospital where we were, partners were allowed on the wards from 8am-8pm. Other visitors weren't but partners were. So there were strange men sitting around when i had my catheter out, tried to breastfeed, answered the questions of midwives etc all day long. Maybe it's just me but I really didn't care, as long as I had my OH there to support me and I'm sure the other ladies felt the same.

And you could be as unpleasant as you liked love - I am impervious to criticism

Some hospitals are clearly very different. Mine had no set visiting hours and no restrictions on the number of people or children there. It was chaos. If there aren't the staff to deal with the basic needs of their patients they're certainly not able to police who comes and goes on a 40 bed ward. I did the 'birth reflections' thing after my last DC and expressed how awful the postnatal ward was and the answer was that partners are now allowed to stay because they know they don't have enough staff and never will given they've had budget cuts and taken on 1000 extra women a year after the closure of another local maternity unit.
The round the clock nature of postnatal care is different but I have experience of other wards where it's expected that family members come in and feed patients who struggle to feed themselves for example as the staff can't do it. It's just the reality of today's NHS.

"
I'm having my first baby in December and I would scream the place down if they tried to send my partner home. And if someone did 'play the race/religion card' to try and get their own way, I'd be incredibly unpleasant to them. Me and DP have never been apart for more than a night, so the first night of our baby being in the world, hell or high water could not make us be apart.

Disgusted by the attitude of people here, you're grown ass women, why can't you answer basic bodily questions with men in the room? So so outrageous"

Gosh. Entitlement to a whole new level.

What if I "screamed the place down" because I didn't want a strange man 6 feet away from me? Whose screaming would win?

Oh, and you're a grown ass woman too. Why can't you survive a night without your partner?

Disgusted by the attitude of people here, you're grown ass women, why can't you answer basic bodily questions with men in the room? So so outrageous

FWIW, I have no problem answering intimate questions and having intimate examinations with men in the room. As long as they're nurses, midwives or doctors.

I'd object to your husband being there though. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Maybe it's just me but I really didn't care, as long as I had my OH there to support me and I'm sure the other ladies felt the same.

Ah well, as long as you're sure.

I hate that women have to put up with this crap. On NO OTHER WARD would it be allowed.

Because when I am at my most vulnerable I want my partner with me to be my carer/advocate/helper and
emotional support. I've already made it crystal clear to my consultant that if he's not allowed to stay I'll discharge myself. So she's making arrangements to ensure it'll happen. Are people forgetting there are curtains? It's not like you've got your vagina on show to the whole room!

I would have liked my dh there as I had a couple of really bad nights (fortunately I had mumsnet instead!) they certainly weren't allowed to stay in our local hospital, and DC is only a toddler now.
I would hate having other men around though, and mostly you can't sit with your curtain round you as they need to see you're ok, so can't get privacy that way.

I haven't heard of a post natal ward that doesn't allow fathers access all day when all of the looking at stitches, questions etc would usually occur so that argument doesn't make sense. My DH stayed after dc2 was born, I didn't get back from stitches in theatre until late in the day so couldn't get up / have a shower until after visiting hours had finished so needed him there. There was no one else on my 6 bed ward, but I don't think it would have particularly bothered me that other caring, helpful husbands were there as well - I think the ones who might be likely to make trouble are probably down the pub by that point!

And oldFarticus way to use your religion to manipulate the system to your minority.

Disgusted by the attitude of people here, you're grown ass women, why can't you answer basic bodily questions with men in the room? So so outrageous

I find it pretty outrageous that you would "scream the place down" if they tried to send your partner home and even more disgusting that you would be "incredibly unpleasant" to a woman who might object to his staying.

When you have your first baby you will realise it's not just "answering questions" its bleeding like hell from your vagina, possibly having a catheter in, having your breasts out and handling your nipples a lot, shuffling back and fore to a shared communal toilet possibly clutching a C section scar and possibly having blood running down your legs and staining the back of your nightie.