The old partners on wards debate - a question

[Thurlow]

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

[HandbagCrab]

I imagine the vast majority of women would not consent to being in a room for potentially several nights with men they do not know separated by a curtain where those men are able bodied and those women are potentially bed ridden if there were no babies involved.

For every lovely dh who wouldn't look twice at another women there is an utter arsehole who will eat his wife's food, snore, hog the toilet, make a fuss with the staff, make inappropriate comments about you, your baby, your dh etc etc.

maternity is never going to be taken seriously and properly funded if NHS bosses think literally any Tom, Dick or Harry can rock up and provide adequate 24 hour care to patients.

[OldFarticus]

As I said mini, my local hospital is all private rooms so it's a non-issue. If it were not, I would seriously consider going private, yes. I know that visting hours on wards mean some men around some of the time, but the idea of it being 24/7 is just horrifying for me.

Yes, Mrs you be selfish and fuck everyone else eh? That always goes well

[Bear2014]

It's not visitors who stop you sleeping - it's your baby 😂

[MrsMarsch]

I just cannot understand why you'd not want to be together with your partner, regardless of how you feel about other partners. It's not a romance competition, but I genuinely cannot wrap my head around being separated from my partner when I have had major surgery and the wards are so badly run

[DownstairsMixUp]

I had dh stay but I had my own room. And c section. Ex husband didn't with first ds as I was on a bay for 3 days.

[BertrandRussell]

"you are not comfortable/close enough with your partners to not want them there that's your relationship issue. For a couple who are incredibly close, why the hell should we be separated?"

Bloody hell. Watch out world. Junior Marsch had better get the leads in all the school plays, be captain of all sports teams and win The Miss Joyful Prize for Raffia Work, or his/her mother will be "screaming the place down" outside the Head's Office. The rest of us had better take out relationship issues and get out of the way.

[BendydickCuminsnatch]

Ha true OP.

I am still unclear what the actual threat is though? i get the feeling posters are worried about more than noisiness and toilets being engaged.

[BertrandRussell]

Many of us may want to be with our partners very much indeed. Wh just have q modicum of empathy and consideration for other people. I cannot recommend it highly enough.

[Thurlow]

I just cannot understand why you'd not want to be together with your partner

Because people are different? Because not everyone is on their first baby?

In an ideal world yes, I'd have loved a private room with another bed for OH and to spend those first few nights together.

But this is the NHS. And it's a mixed bay. And he'd have to sleep in a shitty chair.

[JoandMax]

Wow there's some strong views on this one!!

DH didn't stay overnight with either of mine, it wasn't allowed. DS1 was an awful birth so I could of done with him that first night but I coped, just!!

I wouldn't have wanted men on the ward overnight, in a private room fine but not in a small crowded as it is area while I'm attempting to sleep and rest. The fewer people there the better.

Daytime is different as you're up, sitting in bed, seeing doctors etc.

[OldFarticus]

Mrs perhaps because we are two independent humans who are not surgically attached at the hip? Your relationship doesn't sound healthy to me, if you have never spent a night apart. I would detest that - so maybe your partner is the kind of controlling freak we need to keep away from vulnerable women?

You will deny this, of course - but how do any of us know?

My DH is rather lovely (and a clinician, so more useful than most) but to the women in adjacent beds he is a stranger. Unlike you, I have empathy for women who may feel vulnerable and do not simply expect my desires to trump theirs. But hey, fuck everyone eh?

[Thurlow]

Bendydick, I believe (from other threads on this as well) that many women, due to experiences in their life, just generally feel vulnerable and threatened around men in this sort of situation, where they are potentially bed bound, bleeding etc.

[WellErrr]

I genuinely cannot wrap my head around being separated from my partner when I have had major surgery

Because you haven't been through it yet so you can't appreciate how much more useful your partner will be fully rested, and you've not got other children at home who need looking after.
And you have no idea how it feels to be on a postnatal ward with the thought of 5 strange men sharing your room.

HTH.

[user1467032004]

Well guess what? When I'M at my most vulnerable, I DON'T want your partner there.

If it means so much to you then have a home birth or pay for a private room - don't encroach on the privacy of other vulnerable women.

FFS. Entitled much?

The irony of this post.

[Dairybanrion]

I was in with last babs for 5 days. Partners not allowed stay.
Public room, 6 beds. My husband rarely visited, trying to keep peace at home.
Visiting hours a pain with people's partners, parents, friends, kids etc milling around the place.
I cannot fathom somebody partner staying overnight! I think it's so selfish. I don't want to crawl out of bed, with open top cos of bleeding nipples, c section sore, sleepless.....and see your partner sitting there gormlessly munching on grapes. Feck sake. And the talk of it.... Like you have the right to it. So in a 6 bed ward there would be 12 adults and 6 babies. And the men using the bathroom. Which needs to be free for that first essential, coveted poo/fart/shart.
People have notions. Daft ones.

[Owllady]

In any other case of major surgery you'd be separated from your spouse
I personally wouldn't like men staying over on the ward. They are noisy enough places as it is

[MissBattleaxe]

I am still unclear what the actual threat is though? I get the feeling posters are worried about more than noisiness and toilets being engaged

Bendy- read the thread. There are loads of reasons. You can't just minimise by saying "threatened" and "toilet queue".

There's waddling to the toilet with blood running down your legs. Sore breasts, holding your nipples to try and get them in your babies mouth, being topless a lot, bleeding on the sheets, catheters, staff asking if you've pooed yet, I could go on.

Also, there's staff whipping your curtains open mid feed, saying "We need to SEE you, Miss Battleaxe- curtains open please!"

I love my DH very much, but I accepted I was having medical care and it wasn't "couples time." I saw him every day at visiting and was home three days later. We had all the time in the world to share the baby and it didn't affect his bond with them or any other women who were also trying to recover on the PN ward.

[Thurlow]

you've not got other children at home who need looking after

This was one of the reasons why I was wondering how many partners did actually stay, as once it is DC2 or more then it's not that simple for partners to stay. There's always plenty of threads on MN discussing childcare arrangements for birth and so if people are struggling to have their OH there for the actual birth, I can't imagine they'll have childcare overnight.

Or even if their partner stays the first night - I might be against it, but I can hold my hands up and admit that if I have a cs late in the afternoon and am still off my tits on morphine come 9, 10 at night then I might ask DP to stay - I was wondering how many stay every night?

But then maybe it's complicated because statistically, a second birth is more likely to not require an overnight stay in hospital.

Oh, for the money to pay for the Portland!

[bruffin]

20 years ago i went into hospital at 32 weeks and was still there 7 weeks later. It was mixed pre and post wards. It was bad enough having to share for that long without having dhs there as well.
Dh was shattered as he had been at the hospital for 24 hours. Be needed sleep and to be home in bed. Think it was 2am when i finally left labour ward.

[MrsMarsch]

So why does EVERY OTHER POST ON MUMSNET such as in laws, early days visitors etc all advocate 'you do what's best for you, you be selfish, you make the most of your time' - they this post goes exactly the opposite way?? And MN just love to jump on the unhealthy relationship bandwagon- because we don't spend time apart I'm an abused woman? Hilarious.

[HandbagCrab]

I spent a week in hospital having ds. One of the partners I was unfortunate to be physically stuck next to you would have crossed the street to avoid, based on his behaviour, attitude and general demeanour. I was very glad he didn't get to stay the night. I'm sure his partner thought he was lovely ...

[Thurlow]

Well, to be fair MrsMarsch, that's not much different from you assumption that anyone who doesn't want their partner there must have relationship problems.

[MissBattleaxe]

Op- Post emergency section at 11pm I was put on a post surgical ward which was very quiet. Just four women being observed. BP and breathing was monitored. It was lights out and resting. It was strictly a medical thing, not anything to be shared. No partners.

Next day, I was put on a post natal ward and DH came to visit in the day only.

Second time round, ELCS in the morning. DH was allowed to stay in a private recovery room with me for about three hours before I was moved to a communal ward. You do get those precious first hours together. It's not like they send them home the second the baby's out.

[OldFarticus]

Mrs - because pissing off your in-laws is an order of magnitude less important than pissing all over the very legitimate and reasonable concerns of vulnerable post partum women? Or are you just looking to justify your obvious self centeredness around the birth of your child?

Surprised you need the difference explained tbh.

[Maybenot321]

Bear2014 totally disagree. It was the other visitors and general ward noise that caused the disturbance. My 2nd DC was a dream as very newborn baby.