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Childbirth

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Original poster

The old partners on wards debate - a question

430 replies

Thurlow · 30/06/2016 13:44

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

OP posts:
SpeakNoWords · 04/07/2016 15:44

I had to walk to the toilets in a hospital gown and disposable net hospital knickers because I'd been admitted for an emergency c section. I had no clothes of my own as it was a surprise admission well before my due date, so I didn't have my hospital bags with me. The midwives helped me shuffle there covering me as best they could. Fortunately this happened before partner visiting hours started so it was just other women who were generally busy looking after themselves or their babies. It was mortifying enough just with them. If it had been during visiting hours with partners been there I don't think I could have done it. I had a drain inserted in my c section wound and had to carry that with me, which was also mortifying (essentially a bag of blood), but nothing I could do about it. My partner was at home sorting out emergency childcare for my DC1, so couldn't have been with me even if he had been allowed.

The other women have to be there as they are also patients. All of them have also just given birth and are in a similarly vulnerable situation. It's ridiculous to compare them to non-patients.

LillianFullStop · 04/07/2016 15:54

Partners don't need their way around a morphine drip but they can pick up a baby when you can't. Or mind the baby or help you to the toilet if you have trouble walking.

Anyway we can all argue until we go blue but at the end of the day it's up to the hospital's policy - and if some other woman's DP is going to be there overnight because policy allows it then mine well as well be.

Alwaysinahurrynow - thanks for the useful tips on what to have ready before being left alone. I'll certainly be taking heed of those! I'm a FTM and apart from DH - my parents and family will all be on the other side of the world coming up to and during the birth so any tips from experience really helps... My older sister went private for both her children (she had private health cover) so post natal care was not any concern for her at all.

I just don't know what to expect from NHS post natal wards and I am expecting the worst night's stay. I would discharge myself ASAP if I could. What are the requirements to be discharged? I've read somewhere they don't let you go home until you've established breastfeeding and having first bowel movements?

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2016 15:57

They can't actually stop you leaving, but they can advise against it. You're not under arrest.

And yes, it is up to the hospital policy makers, but surely women can influence that and not just shrug and say "so be it".

Mumsnet were asking for opinions with a view to campaigning. I wonder what the latest is on that?

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 16:08

"Partners don't need their way around a morphine drip but they can pick up a baby when you can't. Or mind the baby or help you to the toilet if you have trouble walking"
The ^overwhelmng odds are that you will not need a morphine drip or be unable to pick up your baby. Honestly.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 04/07/2016 16:19

From another angle though why should a dad have to leave his newborn baby, why should he miss out on that first nappy change/first feed etc

minipie · 04/07/2016 16:21

smiling Dads don't get kicked out straight after the birth. There's usually at least an hour while you get cleaned up and transferred to post natal. First feed and nappy change are likely to happen during that time.

minipie · 04/07/2016 16:21

And also - it's not really about the men.

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 04/07/2016 16:23

DS didn't feed properly until 3 hours after birth and he's first nappy change (poo) was 24 hours later.

But even so why should a dad be sent home away from his newborn baby?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 04/07/2016 16:24

But we see time and time again on here that dad's have equal rights so ok it's not about 'men' but those men are dad's with equal rights to their newborn child

expatinscotland · 04/07/2016 16:27

'But even so why should a dad be sent home away from his newborn baby?'

Because he is not a patient in a ward full of other patients, who are all women in a vulnerable state and newborn babies. It's all well and good to say, 'Then all rooms should be private en-suite' and that would be the way to campaign. But right now, they are wards designed for patients, not their partners, too.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 16:43

The ^overwhelmng odds are that you will not need a morphine drip or be unable to pick up your baby. Honestly.

So fuck the minority who can't lift their babies as long as you have some peace. You can close your curtain. They can't lift their babies.

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 16:48

Nobody is saying that women shouldn't get assistance with lifting their babies at night if they are struggling. People are saying that assistance should come from staff.

Patients on postnatal wards should be entitled to as much professional care, respect, and privacy as patients on any other ward.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 16:48

Yes I agree men shouldn't just stay for no reason but some people need them their as the staffING just is not good enough.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 16:50

Also can I just ask does it bother you that men in some wards are aloud to be their for example 9am-9pm. What's the difference then ? Do you all hide away for the day ?

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 16:50

So why not campaign to make it better, rather than campaigning for women to be allowed to bring their partners?

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 16:55

I wasn't campaigning for that. I was saying why some women do.
The staffing won't get better until the NHS is better funded. Truth is they don't give a toss about what women go through as it's seen as " just childbirth " . It's funny how a c section is treated so differently to any other operation.
But what are these poor women who truly can't lift their babies to do if a member of staff takes half hour to arrive. Let their babies fo hungry n cry for that long ?
I'm not saying men staying is right. It's not but some times it just can't be helped. ..

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 04/07/2016 16:57

I totally agree 53 - having 18 people on a ward designed for 6 is revolting just from a hygiene point of view, never mind anything else. I find it depressing that so many women on this thread are colluding in making post-natal health secondary to other disciplines whose patients are looked after properly by trained staff.

I had a short stay in hospital in Greece many years ago where the norm was for relatives to bring in food and provide basic care like washing. People with no relatives got nothing but the bare bones of "care". Take it from me, that is NOT a system that should be emulated here.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 16:59

"I'm not saying men staying is right"

Yes you are. And you are also saying rather unpleasant things about men not wanting to look at other women's fannies and asses.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 17:00

That's unpleasant?
It's true. You think most men give a toss about you that they want to watch you walk to the toilet ?

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 17:05

What's the difference then ? Do you all hide away for the day ?

Several things:

  • more staff around during the day; I'm not going to be alone on a ward with several sleeping women + several blokes I don't know;
  • night is for resting, which is considerably tougher to do with twice as many people in the ward;
  • lots of hospitals (mine included) had breaks during the day when no visitors were there, and that was bloody lovely and peaceful - we need more of that, not less;
  • lots of women weren't allowed the curtains round our beds at night;
  • at night, I could talk to the staff in peace about whatever thing I needed to talk to them about, knowing the only other people who might hear were staff or patients, not Bob and Darren squished into the next tiny bays with their arses practically sitting on my bed, which is what happened in the day

That's a few reasons - I can think of lots more.

YoungGirlGrowingOld · 04/07/2016 17:05

Personally time I don't give a toss what any men think about anything, but I do expect my needs for privacy as a patient to be placed above the interests of non-patients. Especially those selfish eejits who seem to think their lives are going to be enriched by being present for the baby's first crap, at the expense of others. (Trust me, the baby will shit again. And again...)

DH will not be staying with me when our baby arrives, even though we will be in a private room. I want him rested and clean and bringing me decent food so I can rest while he takes over. If I have to wait for a midwife, so be it - I am sure we will survive.

GnomeDePlume · 04/07/2016 17:09

Timetogrowup2016 what men want or dont want is entirely irrelevant.

This is about what women want to experience while they stay in hospital.

So far as I have read all women want to be properly cared for while they are in hospital. A very small number of the posters actually want that care to be provided by their partners.

PerspicaciaTick · 04/07/2016 17:09

There are a minority of men who will abuse the trust and privilege of staying overnight. Some will make their partners sleep in the chair while they take the bed. Some will watch TV all night. Some will attempt to have sex with their partners. Some will prevent their partners accessing support for DV. Some will look at the other patients inappropriately. Some will have drink or two to celebrate and get a bit lairy. Some will take drugs.

It is not on to expect hard pressed midwives to be policing the behaviour of non-patients. Nor do I want antenatal wards to require bouncers and security staff.
Your partner may be lovely. But other women's partners may not be. Until partners can be accommodated safely and with enough space and security, then partners should not routinely be allowed to stay.

expatinscotland · 04/07/2016 17:11

'You can close your curtain. '

No, you can't necessarily. Some patients aren't allowed this so the nurses and midwives can easily see them. The patients. De menz are not patients.

Your posts are so hateful towards women, time. It's very unpleasant.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 17:13

"It's true. You think most men give a toss about you that they want to watch you walk to the toilet ?"

Nope. But if you still think that's the issue you are missing the point so spectacularly that I can only assume you're doing it on purpose.