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Childbirth

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Original poster

The old partners on wards debate - a question

430 replies

Thurlow · 30/06/2016 13:44

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

OP posts:
PunkrockerGirl · 01/07/2016 23:04

Private rooms are fine.
But imagine feeling elated, exhausted and shell shocked (as do most post partum women) and having to share a ward and facilities with not only the women who are entitled to be there, but their male partners as well. Imagine needing the loo and dripping blood through your pad because you have to wait to use the loo because someone's partner can't be arsed to walk to the visitor's toilets. And when you eventually get In, you're faced with a shit covered toilet courtesy of the twat who shouldn't be there in the first place Hmm
It really, really shouldn't happen and I'm amazed at the entitled, ignorant attitude of some women on here.

SueTrinder · 01/07/2016 23:09

When DD1 was born we had a private room after a few days on the ward (she took a while to start feeding) and it was heaven to have DH there when I was so exhausted. She finally started feeding properly that night and he was able to change nappies and went to get the MW to check her latch each time. It felt like the first night of being parents together. There was a kitchen (it was an MLU) so you could heat up your own food which was bliss after several days of hospital food.

DS was a preemie and we ended up in the paediatric ward for a few days when he was tiny. The first night he was on a drip and was nil by mouth so DH stayed (private room again, although parents are allowed to stay on the main wards in paediatrics) and I went home to sleep in my own bed. Bliss. Once I was allowed to feed him again I spent the next few days in hospital with DS and DH was at work or home with the DDs but being in a private room made things much better than being on the antenatal ward. And paediatrics is very parent friendly, I was fed hospital food because I was BFing but there was a parent's kitchen so I used that as well, DH would take in my Mum's home cooked meals (Mum was looking after the DDs) and I'd heat them up in the microwave for my tea and I had nice yoghurt in the fridge for breakfast to go with the toast and cereal they'd offer us.

I think on a large ward it would be hell having more adults there, no-one gets to sleep overnight on the postnatal wards in my experience. But if there are private rooms and a kitchen it's bliss.

TwoDrifters · 01/07/2016 23:22

McNally My baby is fine now, thank you so much for asking, I hope yours is too. Flowers

SirChenjin · 02/07/2016 10:17

Punk - I agree absolutely with your last post. Well said.

MissBattleaxe · 02/07/2016 10:59

Good post WellErr.

men wouldn't tolerate even minor breaches of privacy, but we're expected to lump it, as if we have no rights and no say.

DowntonDiva · 02/07/2016 20:57

I gave birth in March, partners allowed to stay overnight. All women I encountered had a partner stay including myself.

Agree with OPs excessive noise came from visitors during visiting hours. Large volumes of visitors round beds etc. Not from partners staying overnight.

I had a great experience and so did DP. I didn't encounter any partners not behaving appropriately or using facilities such as toilets and showers. If anything the partners would take baby for a walk up and down the corridor and give mum some time to shower, sleep.

PunkrockerGirl · 02/07/2016 23:40

I had a great experience and so did dp
Fabulous news Downton Confused Have you bothered to read any of this thread?
I have absolutely no words. Women have posted on here with genuine concerns about their safety and lack of respect from other people's partners. Please, please rtft.

expatinscotland · 03/07/2016 01:52

That's nice, Downton, I still don't want to sleep in a ward with strange non-patient men.

FirstOfHerName · 03/07/2016 07:17

I had a great experience and so did DP.

That's great Downton, but quite frankly I couldn't care less about proving a "great experience" for DPs. It isn't about them, it's about protecting the privacy of vulnerable women.

FirstOfHerName · 03/07/2016 07:17

Providing, not proving.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 03/07/2016 07:38

I hot so concerned about this that I rang my local hospital to check their policy. They assured me that they have no plans to allow partners to remain on wards overnight, as it would be, and I quote, "highly inappropriate for the women in our care who are recovering from childbirth". She then went on to say that for those who felt they needed someone to stay with them, private rooms were available.

Thank god for that! I am hoping I won't actually have to stay when I have DC3 but if I do, ar least I know I'll have some privacy.

Not a chance would I be staying otherwise, I'd just discharge myself.

I'm agog that there are women who seem incapable of spending a bloody night away from their partner, its really unhealthy and, quite frankly, pathetic. Will they need their partner to stay with them for everything that they might go into hospital for?! Confused

DowntonDiva · 03/07/2016 08:04

Good lord! I answered the original question asked! My experience is just as valid as yours or indeed your opinion. The original poster is just as entitled to hear positive experiences.

WellErrr · 03/07/2016 08:34

The point is that it IS NOT a positive experience for the other vulnerable women on the ward.

Lurkedforever1 · 03/07/2016 09:58

Of course it's going to be positive to have your own dp there if you are in a happy, equal relationship. Nobody is debating that. It's how your dp makes other women feel which is the issue.

Taking my dogs along would have been positive for me. After all I liked their company, I knew they would behave appropriately, I knew they were no threat to anyone, I knew they wouldn't have bothered anyone else. And yet I hardly need to think long and hard to see why other women might not feel the same, nor do I think my preference should trump the rights of other women. And no, it's not a ridiculous comparison either. Allowing dogs on a ward overnight is just as unacceptable as allowing men to stay in a female ward.

LillianFullStop · 03/07/2016 10:37

Seems there are just 2 sides to the coin with pros and cons of both sides and there is no halfway or keeping everyone happy. Just seems luck of the draw on whether someone will get the right level of care without their DP there or whether they will get a negative experiences with other partners. If only we can all afford private care and get appropriate levels of post natal care and have our DP stay without upsetting other people.

partners not staying

  • con: understaffing and not receiving the right level of care in the wards from midwives alone. Plenty of horror stories of the consequences of this on this thread alone and campaigning for more staff won't help the people in the wards now but maybe in future
  • pro: no partners in wards so more privacy outside of visiting hours. you are still sharing space and facilities albeit other new mothers only

partners staying

  • con: encroaching on other mothers' privacy with your dp's presence in the ward
  • pro: getting help from dp for you and newborn as you recover to supplement midwife care which might not be optimal due to understaffing.
Dutchcourage · 03/07/2016 11:17

No there is not two sides to every coin unless the DH is there to help every single women in the ward.

The women's privacy on the ward should not be chucked out of the window for the sake of one single women. If that women is struggling then she presses the buzzer untill some one comes and then plays merry hell that she was left.

Husband and partners are not there to supplement fully qualified HC staff.

MrsMarsch · 03/07/2016 22:05

Downton thank you for your positive story. Another tick in a box as to why my DP will be staying with me, regardless of ward or private room Grin

FirstOfHerName · 03/07/2016 22:20

And if the hospital has a no partners overnight policy MrsMarsche?

Lurkedforever1 · 03/07/2016 22:51

Tell me mrsm are you always so selfishly entitled, or is it just around child birth where you feel your childish and pathetic wants should be pandered to over other women's rights?

MissBattleaxe · 03/07/2016 23:36

Mrsm how do you manage when he goes to work? Eight hours apart must be impossible. By the way your desire to have your husband there is not more important than another patient's absolute right to recover in peace and privacy.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 04/07/2016 06:16

Mrsmerch, you are one ofthose pregnant women aren't you, all delicate and precious like. I bet you've been insisting on a train seat since you peed on a stick and spend an inordinate amount of time "resting" whilst your DH fusses over you.

The world does not revolve around you, try thinking of others instead of yourself for a change and youight undestsnd why the majority of people are horrified at the idea of sharing a space with your husband whilst they recover from childbirth.

If you want him there, because you really cant be apart for a few poxy hours (Hmm), pay for the privilege.

Your level of selfish entitlement is staggering.

Pengweng · 04/07/2016 06:45

I had a private room (for free, I had twins and they had no where else to put me as had run out of room) and despite having twins, an emergency c section and having to have three pints of blood as i lost quite a lot and the room having a sofa bed in it my husband wasn't allowed to stay. I understand the reasons behind it but they were so drastically understaffed that I had to wait over an hour for someone to help me up and help me feed both of the babies, we were all a compete mess by the time someone answered the fucking buzzer and came to help. I discharged myself as soon as I could.
I honestly just wanted some help from someone and would much rather it had been from a qualified midwife or someone who could have helped my tiny babies to breastfeed instead of my husband who didn't know what he was doing. In the end I got neither and that is a sad state of affairs in a massive maternity hospital in one of the largest cities in the UK.
More staff to help is the answer not having to have partners to stay.

dabofriojakitten · 04/07/2016 07:05

They allowed partners to stay on the postnatal ward was on, before the birth I thought of COURSE I want him to stay, I thought I'd be scared to look after the baby on my own, but actually once she popped out I thought "actually I've got this" and felt it would be better for him to go home and get some sleep. He did stay with us for most of the day.

I think the problem is post natal wards are terribly understaffed and can be quite lonely places, however I almost think allowing men to stay and having all the curtains pulled contributed to this, if it was more of a communal atmosphere you might be able to talk to the other mums more etc.

Cerseirys · 04/07/2016 08:12

There is a poster on MN who has written about the horrendous experience she had on the ANTEnatal ward. She was in labour and the partner of the woman in the next cubicle kept pulling the curtain back and telling her to shut the fuck up. Why should women be forced to put up with men like that when they're at their most vulnerable? And I can't imagine that this particular man would've behaved any better on the postnatal ward.

In fact, MrsM's DH is as selfish and entitled as she seems, then I certainly wouldn't want him in the ward while I recovered.

MyBreadIsEggy · 04/07/2016 08:28

Cerceirys Shock I remember that!! Shock how fucking dare he?!!
When I was on the antenatal ward waiting to be induced, my DH and the other men who's partners weren't in labour yet were sent home at around 10pm. One woman's DH stayed because she was meant to be moved to delivery suite very soon. It would appear that there was a delay in getting her moved, and she ended up almost delivering her baby in the bed directly opposite me....that must have been bad enough for her, without my DH being there to see it all too!!