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Childbirth

Share experiences and get support around labour, birth and recovery.

Original poster

The old partners on wards debate - a question

430 replies

Thurlow · 30/06/2016 13:44

If your hospital allowed partners to stay on the postnatal wards overnight, how many women do you think actually made use of this?

I was debating this with DP the other day. Personally I hate the idea of partners being allowed overnight (and will pay for a private room on the unlikely chance one is available, as will be having an ELCS and so will be in for a few nights) but that's what is allowed now so I'll just have to put up with it.

DP wasn't keen on staying overnight and I can't say I'd blame him. I'd rather at least one of us got some sleep and was functioning ok the next day. Plus DC1 will presumably be returning from the grandparents after a day or so and will need taking to school and having some normality in her life, and I don't want both of us to be zombies. He would only stay overnight if my ELCS was bumped to very late in the day.

I was thinking that surely a lot of women will already have DC and so their partner won't be able to stay every night for a few nights. Or did most women have partners there all the time?

OP posts:
Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 08:29

I understand the privacy issue but after child birth it's really hard to care for a newborn on your own without support from someone and the staff are so busy their useless. All the women saying they didn't need their partner their did you all have lovely straight forward births then and feel fine afterwards ?

smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 04/07/2016 08:31

When I had ds every woman in the bay I was in had a DP stay including myself. The rules on the ward are curtains must be drawn around the bed at all times and men weren't allowed to use the toilets or shower on the bay as they had their own down the corridor.

I have a massive hospital phobia and had planned a home birth but ended up having an emcs so having DP there was great for me and the very young mum opposite me definitely benefited from having her DP there who stood up for her when she was basically bullied into breastfeeding by the midwife. The other 2 women seemed happy and contented to have their DP'S with them too. It was a positive experience for all of us but I can see the other side of the argument. The ward had 2 bays for mums who's partners didn't stay which were the 2 bays closest to the nurses desk

Alwaysinahurrynow · 04/07/2016 08:47

Straightforward in that I went from triage to theatre, but it was 10pm at night and as soon as I got to the ward at 1am, my DH had to leave (we'd only got there at 7pm and had been expecting to be sent straight home again). Midwife did say helpfullyjust before he left that they were worried I was bleeding through the scar, so hubby didn't get much sleep (it was fine). Spinal didn't wear off until early morning and husband arrived at 9am. We were absolutely fine. Yes I had to buzz for help with feeding as I couldn't move to the cot, but as I was trying to b/feed (ds wasn't keen) I needed the help anyway. I was so elated with my new baby, I just couldn't help smiling. I even got told off for not buzzing when the HCAs left my breakfast out of reach at the end of my bed, but I didn't want to bother anyone as I had already buzzed a bit during the night. Once I was through the first 24 hours, I was only in need of help due to b/feeding issues.

You do see some slightly excessive amounts of buzzing for things like my breakfast/changing nappies etc from some women, but those women did that even when their OHs were there.

WellErrr · 04/07/2016 08:48

all the women saying they didn't need their partner their did you all have lovely straight forward births then and feel fine afterwards ?

No I had an EMCS in the early hours after an epic 3 days of back to back labour.

As a patient who'd just been through major surgery I was expecting the hospital staff to look after me - which they did - not my DH who not only needed a rest himself, but who I didn't think should be sleeping over on a ward full of women who've just been through childbirth.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 08:55

Wellerr
I agree. The real problem is I needed my oh as I couldn't move to get baby out of the cot and I buzzed more than ten times and no one ever came.
I was in agony from my stitches and I was bottle feeding and couldn't sit on them so I needed him to help me feed her and tbh the mid wives where useless. I had pre eclampsia and was meant to have four hourly blood pressure checks I was lucky if they came once a day despite me asking several times each day.

Also I think you've made your point now...

WellErrr · 04/07/2016 09:10

Ok I'll not bother replying to you then.

Timetogrowup2016 · 04/07/2016 11:02

Battle axe

"It's bloody third world"
Erm no its not. Educate your self on the third world.

LillianFullStop · 04/07/2016 11:15

This thread is so depressing.

With 3 months to go I feel more anxious about the postnatal care/stay than I do about the labour. During the labour a doctor/midwife will be there along with birth partner (DP or doula) to advocate for and support you.

In the postnatal ward you are on your own with a newborn until someone answers that magic merry buzzer. What's the acceptable use policy on it? Buzz when you are desperate? Buzz when you need a drink of water/need help going to the toilet? Buzz at most 2 times a night? Buzz only when you or your newborn is in danger? And if so would it be acceptable to leave your finger on it or scream for help hoping someone walking down the hallway can hear you? Sounds like a stressful night's stay to me Confused

And of course there are other new mothers there but I see their help/support in place of a midwife to be no less unacceptable than your own DP. There is no guarantee either that other new mothers in your ward will be any more respectful and considerate.

Alwaysinahurrynow · 04/07/2016 11:54

As an FTM, I would buzz whenever you think you need help i.e b/feeding, if you can't move, feel unwell. I wouldn't buzz for something like water unless I hadn't drunk anything for a number of hours (although I may have taken this too far after my section at over 12 hours). Sometimes the midwives are busy with an emergency which is why it takes a long time, but unfortunately you don't know that when you buzz.

The other thing is get your DP/any visitor to set you up before they leave : is your water jug full? Do you have spare clothes/nappies etc for baby easily available? (Not on the floor in your bag), toothbrush & toothpaste, spare muslins, a few snacks, phone charger and the buzzer somewhere you can access it even if you knock it off the bed (I always loop mine round the handles). Get the midwife to show you how to empty catheter if you need to (I had one for 72 hours so this saved a lot of their time) and change a nappy during the day if possible as again it means you don't have to buzz. Go for a shower whilst your bed is changed if no-one is with you as they will generally keep an eye on the baby at the same time (also helps if you get stuck for any reason).

Most people only the remember the negatives (and some do have a bad experience) and I have to say armed with the knowledge from my first stay, my second despite being longer was a breeze. If I'd been somewhere with access to private facilities, my DH would have had a very large bill second time round, luckily for him there are none where we live. This time, I'm looking forward to some bonding time with just me and the baby.

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 12:04

all the women saying they didn't need their partner their did you all have lovely straight forward births then and feel fine afterwards ?

No. I had a 2-day labour followed by an EMCS, and was still nauseous and vomiting on the postnatal ward after hyperemesis all through my pregnancy.

Care on the postnatal ward was very good. No partners overnight. And I am seriously glad of that, because the partner of the woman next to me was such an unrepentant arse during normal visiting hours that I was determined to go home as soon as I could as it was. If he'd been there all night as well I think I'd have dragged myself out of there as soon as I could stand.

bruffin · 04/07/2016 12:20

53rdandbird
I went in at 32 weeks with high bp.Was finally induced at 38 weeks. Regular urine tests which meant carting a 6ltr bottle of urine to the loo each time.
Inducing took 2 days. Then had a 24 hour labour ending up in theatre after failed ventouse. The forceps worked but had to have lots of stitches and had some very bad bleeding and a huge clot. I was in for another 4 days and came home on sunday 7 weeks. I had drips etc for the first day.
Men on the wards would have made a very stressful time a lot worse. Prenatal and postnatal was mixed.

bruffin · 04/07/2016 12:23

And also dh had been visiting for everynight of those 7 weeks and had been at the hospital 24hours by the time i was back on the ward. He was exhausted and needed to be in his bed not a chair to slerp in

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 12:37

Lillian. Please don't worry.

There is every chance that you will be fine. Sore- but perfectly able to look after yourself and your baby. Certainly to get yourself a glass of water. Most people are.

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2016 12:45

All the women saying they didn't need their partner their did you all have lovely straight forward births then and feel fine afterwards?

No, two sections. The second one was harder to recover from than the first. I was in a great deal of pain and couldn't lift my baby or walk for 24 hours. I still disagree with partners overnight.

It's a staffing issue, not a partners issue.

GnomeDePlume · 04/07/2016 12:52

needed to be in his bed not a chair to slerp in

Bruffin, I am relieved to know that your DH didnt plan to slerp in his chair Wink, standards of decorum need to be maintained!

I do agree with Alwaysinahurrynow but I think these are things you only really learn for second time around.

RufusTheReindeer · 04/07/2016 12:55

All the women saying they didn't need their partner their did you all have lovely straight forward births then and feel fine afterwards?

Nope, compilations with the first birth meant i had to go to theatre at 10pm and the nest two births were CS

minipie · 04/07/2016 13:11

I am just wondering how many examples there are of DPs who stay overnight behaving unpleasantly and causing problems for other women.

I know we won't have much evidence yet of DP overnight behaviour, because allowing partners overnight is fairly new and still quite rare.

However it seems to me that the kind of partner who is likely to behave badly is also the kind of partner who wouldn't consider sleeping in a chair or staying up all night - he'd be off home to his nice comfy bed. Or am I being naive?

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 13:13

I also had an operation the year after my baby was born. General anaesthetic, felt like misery on toast afterwards. And yet I don't see a big campaign for partners to be allowed to stay overnight on single-sex surgical wards. It's only postnatal women who are expected to put up with that.

minipie · 04/07/2016 13:16

The difference between post natal and post operative care is that in post operative you're not expected to look after a baby.

Lurkedforever1 · 04/07/2016 13:18

time my labour was straightforward. But that's just as well, because I did the whole caring for a newborn and indeed 12years so far of parenting on my own without support. If it had been a complicated birth I would have been equally unsupported too.

So I fail to see why some women think they can't cope overnight in a hospital without their dp for support.

53rdAndBird · 04/07/2016 13:19

Yeah, I too had a baby to look after in postnatal, funnily enough. And I still don't want other people's partners on the other side of a curtain when I'm discussing stitches or catheters or vaginal bleeding.

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 13:23

"am just wondering how many examples there are of DPs who stay overnight behaving unpleasantly and causing problems for other women."

They can behave like the Archangel Gabriel for all I care. I just don't want strange men 6 feet away from me separated by a bit of fabric when I've just had a baby!

BertrandRussell · 04/07/2016 13:24

Actually, on reflection, th Archangel Gabriel may have been a bad example to choose........

Sanchar · 04/07/2016 13:31

All the women saying they didn't need their partner their did you all have lovely straight forward births then and feel fine afterwards?

Not me! Difficult back to back labour, failed forceps and emcs.

I actually got quite ill because I discharged myself early, but it was better than being on that ward.
I should have been able to recover in peace in a safe medical environment but couldn't because the ward was a fucking zoo.

MissBattleaxe · 04/07/2016 13:34

However it seems to me that the kind of partner who is likely to behave badly is also the kind of partner who wouldn't consider sleeping in a chair or staying up all night - he'd be off home to his nice comfy bed. Or am I being naive?

There have been several recent threads on this same subject and some of the first hand stories were shocking.

Besides which,as Bertrand says above, it doesn't matter if they behave well, I just want privacy!